I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNG7RrqYUDa
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBZBpVdv90
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYYogSajNa
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1mBq8bTaK
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6OJBUhjHDx
What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjBEz5mbU1
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLytZ9l6Xux
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqOT1c6Rt1
I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MGgusxwxL
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzH6C8Hm3v9
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZEwDhxXqh
"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFGEAJlLah
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97vRZSR8Vj
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5TPmDi870
I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2O7zRHGqJm
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdky3cR5oHv
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9QhBzz6Pb
"You know... It's okay to feel."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28FO9m8pHu
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXuaB27lbqP
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7K0SDdshCT
"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsTCLeXcJT
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Qm9HqaKRt
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"It's true."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHFpJf4zeG
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562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3GNtBMD2g
I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoqVwpNZw6
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6KS20PPZu
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFb9h5aErqx
"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHnLIGwXde
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIUXCi3Dys
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOi4oKqXaq3
I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjAWrlTIDZ
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYu9VZHYhW
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDzUaNuyoP
"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO79kJSdEiQ
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBYzygTSPX
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC57isRGHuN
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayup2YwNkH
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqVASiDTx9
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3uOg3tLeF
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jrBHEgytA
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitq8gjrxEg
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9P5YHidq0
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjjjdf75wD
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tBolTmlGj
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8T8GVTXSH1
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmitQcvpdc2
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbn1ci2vQX
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He starts talking again.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEs3nQ09mI
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qRBaTzTbA
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPD2RE4KGR1
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmT5DVVpjwq
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWV6EgFpvc
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"What did she die from?"562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJ5jWzWj0J
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡri0KERRRKk
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZDz8DLYhD
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5kfmHwwcL
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZXIbMLZPR
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0YP7poDwm
Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPsaaal24j
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlooXiLVcPL
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrB5zu0MxcB
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdft0gCDlpd
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkQKeliLzz
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡca9XdizMZE
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKRyeUPCt9
It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fyMswxtJU
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhP1GobQNH
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLJHQ3oQZO
And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwFIOPn1WO
562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1Lr2f7RPu
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyszLx6oyCf
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562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8OF1wRluw
Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57vr1o3Yxk
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.562Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExcaKN23ka
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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