Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbWZr6OyRm
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRY9qQuW6wU
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No.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUgycCYTiD
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Then tell him.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOv7zCDTSR
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I can't.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9iND88Da9
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCzpquNbzf
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJh1fJCc5ZF
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But can you let David go?450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0GcmUMsPl
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36Nbtht2J8
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvKBGKuax9
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pJrYH69XW
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But I don't.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoA6y4yrLw
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCOQ3Sxc6h
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekQ47RYGCn
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi44Dbba9N6
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I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsvjFet40w
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3ofZg2LC2
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmz2QRmh7J
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYa4hSt6Y5b
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***450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEalgb3iZ5
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I can't sleep.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTANdhRnpyt
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QURZQRgCU
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1l19UXPVQ
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbDX4MU81S
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRziva5vnY3
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUg2rQO7HAP
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5jzc6p4KK
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmWSAKxARY
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe91bVByfnA
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZc4RImw3TS
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtcbvsVI21
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRm4Z0k7JOF
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For what?450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0IQ7nzFdYD
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Nothing.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiXwLJWbj1
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCebiJwwchQ
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Andrew.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpme5dOKEqy
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauPb5rNzWZ
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5NBN8CcXn
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I can't.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPChNkXAT6
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This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FV8bmcODW
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehLVLlXy0g
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OYxqqZHSz
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQvUlIP4rv
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbYxwzVNnO
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjtcHlxOE9
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2wK88IwNj
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oW0LpKTWB
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This definitely is not normal.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWxQECNmPQ
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuG1bphFEP2
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIS8xC94JkL
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Then I pause.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP70qEyHQxk
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1SheHdZ4l
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Call David.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2O1bVX5Rk0
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKw5GYp9l4
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"Leah?"450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXgoVzAnbj
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"David," I gasp. 450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWgYg3LPH4
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"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFh0x0l65bC
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxl2hjVCCE
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9LdfzkkFn
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"Are you at home, Leah?"450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbYKFDcTsz
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPQgKe6br8
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMovSEzB2jr
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJYF7LV9WS
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡea8ZVPuSWh
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I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOA7DDcPXkj
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsu9DMdsO90
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpqVnnQ58W
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I can't.450Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8levj1oRu
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Oblivion swallows me whole.
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