Last night was one of the most emotionally tumultuous nights of my life.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0IDjjR1Hf
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Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbH7JaHlgGa
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRiNU0xrY6
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No.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4O1br6BJme
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCUHElMo4f
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvCPPFGNX8
Then tell him.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc1gHGSer76
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsC6b4sr2tf
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I can't.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkltZalNeQ
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"I can't," I say out loud as I lay on my back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling above me. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBuj6BO70n
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjG8gTktWow
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Truth be told, I'm stuck. I can't move forward from my past, from the pain that I've experienced; I can't let it go.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxE836ag9Km
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBiywkkYQF
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But can you let David go?468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFLoIUuuwH
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfG40KJE46f
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I try to shut off that annoying voice inside of my head, because the thought of life without David right now is... painful.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJ14H61usp
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgKziWQuLp
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Attachment. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq12S3ES6rT
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3g1jlCU3D
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I don't want my life without him to feel painful, I want it to feel free. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t2NGJtN8x
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkhx9IKAtV
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAlD6c5Lwo
But I don't.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAPTETsqRC
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I feel entangled with him. I want to be near him, feel him, see him, just know that he's there.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KnwkmaUmg
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVOdKT1IvO
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Have you ever been in the process of falling in love with someone, where you aren't quite there yet, but you can feel yourself plunging into something so unknown, but it's so... blissful?468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnL9F7iFe9p
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uc0WrYZzO
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Well, it's the opposite for me. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBimgIpRYd
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9cP2QzhmF
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDL1QVU1CIg
I'm not in love with David yet, but I'm sure that pretty soon I will be. I'm free-falling like a dense, metal bucket with no rope or string thrown into a water well. The water at the bottom of the well represents is the love that I, the bucket too dense to float, will sink into and be filled with one day. That's what love feels like; it floods you, it consumes you.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvRMfkFthw
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I haven't hit the water yet, but as I plummet through the dark, cold air, I know that it is coming.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ50gCh8USj1
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2g53Eg0CsN
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It terrifies me, because the farther I go, the more and more I realise that I cannot defy gravity; I cannot go back. It feels as if I'm being dragged down towards that damning pool of love against my will. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtT22v6Egwh
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This isn't bliss; it's torture.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYs3MxkERL
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***468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMahuR8tRxR
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I can't sleep.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39seecgn8y
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The pain in my pelvis is back in full force, and I'm beginning to think that this is due to more than just bad eating habits.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJVFO2xKHr
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"Fuck," I groan to myself as I roll over, clutching the left side of my pelvis in pain. Of course, that does nothing.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KwzbVq7Hq
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfc7WWd5DKY
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I decide to get up and do something else; I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvrdccK5mf
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2ykQNUOAw
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I circle my room, walking around it five times, until something catches my eye. Underneath the dresser, pushed to the back, covered in dust, is a tiny, black album, with a spine which was once bright crimson, but is now a dull red from the dust which has taken up residence on the cotton material. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOPAR2tvCI
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This is the album with photos from my old life. I put pictures of people I love in this album, but once they all died, I stopped using it.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzV1xVTcEZ
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I'm obviously a professional masochist, truly learned in the art of inflicting pain upon oneself, because before I can make a well thought out decision as to what I should do about this little discovery, I am dragging the dusty album from under my dresser and sitting on my bed, flipping it open.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSLWUIKC9k
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The first picture is a picture of myself and my mother. This starts up a dull ache in my chest. She was the world to me; she made me believe in myself, and there wasn't a day that I lived in that woman's presence that I didn't feel loved. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkXurLl8Ug
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Having your mother die in a house fire when you're fifteen hurts like a bitch, especially if she's even half the mother that mine was. It was just so, abrupt, so unexpected, so... tragic.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxxx0RaJNm
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The next set of pictures that set me off are Amy's. Amy... isn't just my best friend. She's my sister. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugIAlRK5l6
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My mother's death fucked me up; I stopped socialising with people, and I started to shut them out. I didn't get tied to the people who cared for me; once I turned eighteen, I just got up and left. Amy was the only person who I still let in; she had been my friend since I was six years old, and we just never grew apart. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5u4DMFhar
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When I tried to push her away, she wouldn't let me. I didn't leave her, but in the end, she left me.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwhsPgVwNO
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgTfe0LGQT
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For what?468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0ze9Vn9vn
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XjcRPSOJG
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Nothing.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5ojHwFiIj
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Amy was actually the one who introduced be to Andrew on my twentieth birthday.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzvzVrRLgJ
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Andrew.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiLHP3zEcH
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With the tears already welling up in my eyes, I flip the page quickly, wanting to get it over with quickly; but once I see his face, a face I which haven't seen for so long, a face which I have evaded for so long, I throw the album and scream.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJP7XLVQqX
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6maHXT7Lsn
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Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Most people lose their loved ones, grieve, and then move on with their scars, never forgetting, but always moving forward. Most people can look at a picture of their boyfriend who's been dead for two years now without breaking down into hysterics.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bioOnUihb
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I can't.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1fLwd81mp
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7CeIWrHgc
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEaeXIBJXL
This is why I try to block all of this out; because I've tried healing. To an extent, it worked with my mother, because even though her death was tragic and unexpected, you expect that you'll outlive your parents; you don't expect them to grow old and die with you. With Amy, it didn't work as well, because she was so young, and I still haven't forgiven her.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0W1leXOZD4
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With Andrew? It just didn't work. Period. He was supposed to have children and grow old with me. So here I am, writhing in emotional agony on my bed, sobbing just as hard and in even more pain than I was in on the night that he died. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WzTZdlhp3
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3MJSUB3As
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I can't be healed. Pretending to forget is the next best thing.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrhFcW0OHR
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkznwTIGSPQ
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When I'm all cried out, the once dark sky is now dimly lit with early morning light. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9YtTldrWR
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubEoY35aCK
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I just spent hours crying over Andrew; I have to admit, if he were alive, he'd probably feel a mix of guilt and disappointment. That hurts.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZ9ADk7FHD
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6l9e7Htnz
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Before that thought can set me off, I close my eyes and will myself back into my closed-off emotionless state.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkLMX0HQxF
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqWNIuu6TQ
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Why did I bother to take up the fuckíng album? I should have just left it. I should have just—468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oaoluvc3Z
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVons1Z32A
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"FUCK!" I scream, when I feel the pain tear through my pelvis once more; it feels as if it's consuming my entire body.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6AgKGp9ds
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7df7cymyX
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This definitely is not normal.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6pQZVgf1C
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"Ahh!" I scream, trying to pull myself up, but I fall back down.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnxordHyev
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I desperately feel for the phone, trying to feel for it between the sheets, under the pillows, anywhere — then finally, I have it.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvZfrjwVv5
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBhqm7y9iH
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Then I pause.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94gFbo0eOA
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Should I call an ambulance? I won't know how to explain this to a phone operator, and they probably wouldn't take me seriously, so I'd be waiting here forever.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGxS5lMeeb
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NJ4QGUE6A
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Call David.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooFs2VoOL7
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I don't have time to think too hard about it, because all too soon, I'm hearing his sleep-roughed voice.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFozaeYrDC
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeL362a5vWd
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"Leah?"468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rekmH8Yio
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNZoYklbp3
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"David," I gasp. 468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdGnHh5ftv
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlH2Tqor2Y
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjHYCrB1Ql
"Leah! What's wrong?" he asks frantically, once he hears my voice.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodKEe0eOW9
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"M-m-my, m-y side," I stutter out, hoping that he can make out what I'm saying.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7Ag4Sewhr
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpoZhzG3oM
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I can hear him moving in the background, and I know that he's in his way.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTbTIcfmcG
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkH2cIJIRA
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"Are you at home, Leah?"468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPoVmPfBEN
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"Yes," I whimper, feeling weak all of a sudden. Too weak. I'm about to pass out.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURrmJUaVHw
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1u6fBgxZGW
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"I'm on my way, but Leah, I need you to keep talking to me."468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gmxYRfwHZ
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyILULSpyo
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"Hmm," I say, barely able to get anything out.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHn1y1PAWJ
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSztlzJ49g0
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"What's wrong with your side, Leah?"468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa58m6pE7QQ
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3vYantu3u
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjxrUW4bYp
I focus on his voice; I focus on him. He's trying, coming out of his house at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the hospital; even as I feel the darkness yanking at me, I fight it.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcHyMDHH2v
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"It hurts," I whisper, as if it's some great secret, and in this moment, it is, because I'm not just talking about my side; I'm talking about everything. I want to explain that to him so much, but I can't.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlGqZexz1q
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When I go to blink again, I don't re-open my eyes.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVAp0ebHoFZ
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I can't.468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8oiGA7qgy
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGYFxaPdlM
468Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4rlHJdbWy
Oblivion swallows me whole.
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