I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZoQY3uCWH
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQt0Iz8TF52
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcQRgUPANk
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawJK5BT5bX
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNh7zmwsCiV
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMueTkb2wQ
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"You know... It's okay to feel."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAY536Nd57
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OXzVM2rW1
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"It's true."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cGjJEU1xh
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhqj8aTbYz
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tk1uhfV5J
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2tSp5IUJx
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VgK0RzYZj
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfhP39RfnM
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6tZbN43OT
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaRbhskSvW
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXn3GE9gIH
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLNIo0lAkA
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdBRu7nkJ7
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He starts talking again.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEOBERUEXxn
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZUpYGgnvk
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUwGBNJ1fN
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"What did she die from?"585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXd09RBlZjj
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMQ7Zkoxu5
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8ZxNyDrwe
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9eE6s3NK3
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzDmzym3wK
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtzIxAamDv
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqS8h5JDUL
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5l9XeWMfFt
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTTa201E79
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8q5IBCqQ6C
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.585Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNpn9BlwxO
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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