I wake up in the morning with a sore throat, and tear stains on my face. 561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwDBr3cDOg
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I was crying in my sleep. Great.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3ou3ty2qn
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What's even better is when I feel the two steel arms wrapped around my torso.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLveplVpU9q
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I open my mouth to ask him what the fuck he's doing in here, but he beats me to it .561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbePVSAymbT
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"You were crying in your sleep — bawling, acctually, screaming "Why, Amy? You calmed down the moment I wrapped my arms around you."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkm5vR5Bfn
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I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because even though I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I would really have preferred if he didn't comfort me; this is the kind of thing that causes strings to attach. I don't want him to build up this idea of me being this emotionally broken girl that he must always be there for, because truthfully, I'll never want to keep him around for that; I don't want a crutch. 561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIcYKqelBJ
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"You know... It's okay to feel."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8LAc1k3r5
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"I don't need to hear this bullshít." I hear this all the time, but I don't listen. Because if I do? If I allow myself to feel on a regular basis, and not just when shít like this triggers me — I'll go mad with grief. 561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4u3CnXNkO
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"It's true."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4VaMaRU59
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I lie there and say nothing, afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQ5EZfjFnr
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"I have a little sister. She's seventeen now, her birthday just passed in October."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUyMDIppLC
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I look at the cieling, wondering why he's telling me this.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV65IJBoXD6
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"She died two years ago, five days before her fifteenth birthday."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs5Yu0bI6B
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When he speaks again, his voice is thick, and cracks on the words "died," "five days," and "fifteenth birthday".561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KK8tq7hf0
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"You said something to me yesterday; something of interest ; you said "she is my best friend". Is. Present tense. So I know that like me, you don't remove titles from people once they die."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0FaDQcpqM
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I'm looking at him now, just staring at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I can't believe that he picked that up.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5O6pNZAiw
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"You love the fùck out of her... yet you won't even let yourself properly grieve. You can't keep that in; I tried to do that with my sister. It nearly killed me."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJh3KZdIWY
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It isn't the same, though. Too many people who I've loved dearly have died. My mother, Amy, and other shít that I just don'teven want to think about right now.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2nfzj6kuS
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Additionally, there's the anger that I feel surrounding Amy's death; anger at myself for not stopping her, but more than anything, anger at her for making that decision that lead to her death.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqw7lRsIqdQ
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He starts talking again.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡib5JHsSHqE
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"I hate when people ask if I'm okay; obviously, I'm not okay. I will never be okay. My sister is everything to me, and therefore, I am reminded every day of the pain that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. I cry about it; all the goddamn time. But life goes on, and even though I will never be the same, I will never be okay, never know happiness the way I once did, I refuse to not grieve; she deserves for me to grieve over her; and I refuse to let it consume me, because the last thing she said to me was to make her proud; do whatever I think that she would be proud of."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxw1C4m6APE
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Tears are running down his face now, and I use my thumb to wipe them away.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTC4RGB7IFn
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"What did she die from?"561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmSe7A0X4w
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He sniffles a bit, and then says "leukemia. She knew that she was going to die; she was hoping that, against the odds, she'd make it to her birthday."561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLc5k9mO3E
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I didn't expect that he'd be so forthcoming with his personal life.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiO5wWqHdTE
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Didn't expect that for once, I wasn't the only one feeling this kind of pain.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbW3Oe8wmkg
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So I do what feels natural; I let some of the pain out.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWtvi6Zt8W
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It's a frightening feeling, grief. What I felt last night when I was thinking of Amy was nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling now.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ520isrlISW
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It's as if your heart is being squeezed and pulled and broken over and over again, while your soul is being dragged across hot coals and battered and bruised and pushed far beyond the point of endurance.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwesTZidXg
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And this isn't even the full extent of my grief; this is only my grief for Amy. I still have the pain for my other loved ones bottled up inside — and honestly, they might stay there for a really long time.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN6BxpPKmq
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Like I said, if I allow myself to feel, I'll go mad with grief — and I already feel myself breaking, unravelling at the seams from letting my feelings for Amy out.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOkvWsVZSk
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Under the "Ice Queen" façade, I'm a fùcked up emotional mess, and this is the real reason why I refuse to attach myself to anyone. I've dealt with enough death, enough loss for an infinite amount of lifetimes; I'm not interested in setting myself up for that kind of pain again.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2ein9LnwE
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It is with those thoughts that I hug David, then get up and leave him on the bed.561Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDujQnouFgw
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I then lock myself in the bathroom, and try to regain my composure — only to break down crying on the floor.
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