The Agony
I bend double, stomach twisting itself inside out and dry wretch as my body tries to vomit out the contents of my earlier breakfast. A washing machine motion making me spasm as I gag once or twice. Sweating profusely, limbs shaking with exertion and heart working so hard I think I am having a heart attack and it’s about to explode through my chest. I can feel my own pulse inside my ears and in my throat. I use my hands on my knees to brace my body and gasp for breath to fill my labouring lungs. I feel like I am on the verge of dying.
“Here, drink some water and it will pass. Take a breather.” Colton holds out a cold bottle towards me, foggy with condensation, straight from the ice bucket, at eye level and I can’t even muster up the ability to reach out and take it. I cough up phlegm, my throat burning painfully and just exhale wheezily in some sort of response. I can’t believe how unfit I am.
“It will get easier, you’re just at the start of building stamina.” He carries on placing the bottle on the grass below me near my feet, within my eyeline and sinks down on his haunches to look up at me, tilting his face and smiling. A bead of sweat runs from my messy ponytail down past my ear and somehow travels across my cheek to drip off the tip of my nose. I can feel more running down the centre of my spine between my shoulder blades and I shudder.
“If I ….make it…..that …far.” It’s an effort and a half to get the words out and he just grins at me, amused with my uselessness. We have been out here for hours. Stretching, running, exercising, jumping boards, climbing obstacles. I never knew physical training could inflict so much agony.
“You’re doing fine. First time my father put me through this, I blacked out and woke up covered in my own vomit at his feet.”
I glare at him, not sure why that is a helpful or encouraging thing to say and he just chuckles, that sexy half smile of his and pats me on the back. I feel like he is being more condescending than sympathetic. I inhale with effort; sure my lungs might no longer be working to full capacity and then blow out a long hot exhale. Trying to recover enough to take the damn drink I sorely need.
The noise of a field full of various aged people all in different stages of training is all around us, voices echoing among the rumble of vehicles and building works in the further distance. It feels like a school sports day only with more shouting and yelling and much older people. Also, a lot fitter because I don’t remember my class ever taking on a course like this ad doing it without dying.
The whole valley is in movement, plans being carried out and there has been an ongoing stream of trucks all day so far. Bringing supplies, materials and a stream of wolves from further down the valley on the outskirts of its furthest point. They started construction further down the valley and there has been rumbling and thudding noises coming from that direction on the wind. They were quick to assemble and start to put things in motion.
The worst of the internal burn inside of me calms down with the non-movement of my limbs and the three minutes of rest. I grab at the bottle and manage to straighten up. My body is trembling and my legs weak; I can’t take it anymore and slump down on my butt ungracefully and just accept fate. I am done. It doesn’t help that we are moving from spring to summer and the sun is hitting its high point of the day and slow roasting us all to a crisp. Not the best time to take your unfit self and put it through military style athletics.
Colton looks up and towards a podium where senior wolves stand issuing orders at the masses and nods silently. I guess someone is talking to him and he flashes me back a sympathetic smile.
“You will be pleased to know you have a two-hour rest and refresh session to go easy and lay face down on your bed.” He extends a hand to me, straightening up to stand up himself and I just bat it away with another frown.
“I’m just going to lay right here, thank you very much, and hope to god I wake up and this was all a bad dream.” It’s a better attempt at verbal conversation but I still sound like an asthmatic dying pig.
If only that was a strong possibility.
I let myself slump back into the short terrain, cushioning my ungraceful fall and stare up at the cloudless blue sky, so utterly relieved to be able to let my body just stop. It would be a beautiful day if I could appreciate it. The fatigue washes over me and highlights just how done my limbs are and how unlikely it is they are going to cooperate or recover anytime soon. I can’t take anymore even if I wanted to.
“Do you need me to go get a wheelchair, or give you a piggyback?” He’s mocking me now; his tone light , that air of cheeky and I can tell his dimples will be on show. I just shove at his foot as he gets up, comes close and toe digs me softly. Trying to push me into action. He towers over me offering a little shade from the direct light and I take a second to admire the formidable build of my Adonis. He is in a gray tracksuit that moulds to his perfect muscular body and even in this heat, he has it zipped up to the top of the stand-up collar.
“Nope. Go away and leave me here to become one with the daisies. I have decided this isn’t the life for me.” It’s humour on my part, the atmosphere between us today a lot less strained than last night. He seems brighter, more like his usual self today working and training in the sub pack, I could tell he was back on normal form. Carmen even managed to irritate him less as we were all so focused on what we had to do. That started with a twenty-minute yoga type bunch of stretches followed by a two-mile run that was a shock to my system. I now have added sadist to his list of less desirable traits because he is a bossy asshole who kept running behind me and pushing me along by my butt when I lagged behind. Or maybe it was just an excuse to put his hands on my ass. Either way It was not appreciated while I was panting like an old person trying to climb a stair.
“I can’t; the grass cutters come out at noon and I don’t think you would look good shredded. Come on, lazy, we need to go shower, eat and head out this afternoon. We have stuff to do.”
That brings me back to reality and hits me with a note of seriousness. I know what it is we have to do and whether I want to or not , I am being dragged along as he has this idea that from yesterday, I became part of his sub pack. Luckily his father hasn’t been around today to see me among his best because I know he isn’t going to like this slow integration Colton has me doing.
The plan this afternoon is to split into trucks and start visiting the villages around the mountain. Juan wants us to issue notices and orders and ‘deal’ with disobeyers. Colton managed to convince him that force was not needed in the end. I guess Juan slept on it and this morning new orders were issued among the pack leaders. We have to deliver face to face some sort of written notice that might give some of them time to come around and have them up and move the few miles to Santo domain. I know it’s because of Colton.
Colton has a good heart and despite years of thinking him arrogant and careless of people below him, looking back I realise he just stuck to his own kind and in the old mindset that the packs were rivals. He had his close-knit circle and he didn’t like entertaining anyone new. He saw me as everyone else did, as one of the cast asides and he made no attempt to interact with me. His defense of the people around the mountain tell me I had him all wrong
I reluctantly roll over onto my belly and lay my cheek on the grass, enjoying the cool feeling on my previous overly warm skin. It’s a little prickly but a welcome relief to climbing nets, sprinting and jumping hurdles again. The rest of the pack are still off in the distance carrying on and I keep hearing Meadow issuing commanding directions to them as they tackle a huge wall they are climbing. As wolves it would be easy, but todays training was human only.
“Just five more minutes.” I moan softly, truly giving up on any form of movement as my body shuts down completely and I yelp when his strong hands slide under me, around the waist, him jumping over me and planting a foot either side of my hips as he lifts me up in one short sharp maneuver.
My arms flail, my legs curl and swing under him before he pulls me fully with him and drops me on my own feet. I am clinging to his upper arms, making all sorts of desperate sounds and end up with the back of my head in the crook of his neck and my butt imbedded in his groin intimately. He doesn’t let me go straight away, just pulls me in tight with a sneaky hug and lowers his own face, so his mouth comes level with my ear. As always, my body reacts even when I don’t want it too and I goosebumps all over, internal explosions and tingles going off inside my stomach.
“You should never turn your back on your mate…. Gives him all sorts of dirty ideas.” That husky tone which ignites all sorts of hot and fiery feelings in the depths of my pelvis and it seem to magically revive me.
“Mate, huh?….I thought you dumped my ass and were sulking over the fact we would never be.” I point out a little sassily, his arms sliding up around my ribs as he hugs me in against him fully. Taking advantage of the moment and initiating a different kind of contact.
“It’s such a nice ass that I realised my mistake and am groveling at your …rear.” He chuckles in my ear and I know he’s only playing but it strikes a chord in me that dampens the sexy mood, killing it dead and for a moment, that bitter pang of annoyed hits me in the stomach hard. I push away from him hastily, freeing his hold on me and step out of his embrace elbowing him in the abs as I get away.
“Don’t.” It’s a moody bite to my tone, death of playful and I am stiff and prickly, heart pained while he is making light of this. I catch him out of the corner of my eyes sighing too, his whole fun demeanor changing as swiftly as mine.
“Hey…. Don’t be like that.” He reaches for me, but I step away again, picking up the discarded water bottle and turn on my heel to march to the main house. He said shower and food and I think we need some breathing space. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but I can’t help the overwhelming urge to suddenly punch him in the throat while sobbing my eyes out.
“Lorey, baby?” He follows me, obviously getting the waves of wounded mood and sulkiness coming his way. I know I chastised myself last night, to be more patient and reel him in but I am so sick of this hot and cold thing he has going on. It’s up and down , touch, don’t touch. Mate, not mate and it’s messing with my head. No wonder I am having a hard time even sticking to my own plan.
I ignore him completely, annoyed at myself for once again turning hostile when he was genuinely just fooling around but the fact I know we have two weeks before he marks that bitch as his , has me feeling all kinds of foul things. It doesn’t help that she spent the last few hours watching me, laughing at my attempts to keep up and cartwheeling around me like some sort of gold medal gymnast showing off. She tried to make me look inadequate and kept interfering any time he got too close in showing me what to do.
Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. Talk to me.
His voice invades my mind as I try and put distance between us but it just irritates me all the more.
Just make up your mind okay…. Stop messing with my head and giving me mixed signals.
The obvious pain in my tone ebbs through and I flinch as he speeds up and catches me from behind, yanking me back by the upper arm and spinning me too him a tag aggressively. His little muscle in his jaw that twitches sometimes is working overtime and I stare blankly at his chest to avoid eye contact.
“You told me we should take the time we have and do what the fates wanted us to do” he frowns at me defensively, pulling me back a second time when I try to back off and gain distance , his voice now edged with the same low irritation as me. He has no right to be tetchy in this and it’s not the way to handle my change of attitude.
“Yeah, right before you stopped kissing me and walked away. You again; hot and cold!” I point out, frustrated beyond belief and a bit stupefied he doesn’t see how he is being.
“I’m not being hot and cold. I told you I love you and want to be with you, it’s just the shit keeping us apart that is getting to me. I don’t want this to be harder but at the same time I can’t not be with you. I’m drawn to touch you, be with you, constantly. That’s not mixed signaling.” He really doesn’t see it the way I do, and I almost yell it in his face as the good old inner temper explodes at him.
“YES, it fucking IS!!” I shove him away hard, aware some around us have stopped to look up, engrossed in the possible hint of drama going on over here but I put my head up and just glare at any I catch with eyes this way. Completely combative and not like me at all. Surprisingly any I challenge look away fast and Colton hauls me back for a third time, oblivious to his wrongdoing and feeding on my spreading anger.
“Look…. I’m sorry.” Its delivered through semi gritted teeth and I know it’s probably more from the fact I’m drawing unwanted attention and publicly challenging his authority, than being pissed at me but its not the right way to handle me when I’m already overly tired from hours of physical ed and sensitive because I love him, and this whole thing is shitty as hell.
“Aren’t you always?” I raise a brow, sarcasm oozing like molten lava from my lips. I slap his hand off my arm, not caring if it stung and make a fast dash to put distance between us before he reaches out again.
Leave me alone!
I shout it at him mentally and don’t let up, taking a sprint for the house and dashing forward as soon as it comes into view. At least super speed has its advantages sometimes and I almost collide with a group of young teens coming out the main door and have to skid to a halt, someone large and familiar colliding into the back of me with equal speed and emergency braking and almost sends me flying. Colton catches me around the waist as I topple headfirst from the impact and rights me just as fast, pulling me up so we weirdly end up back in the position that started this whole bickering argument. Me in his arms ,as he is wrapped around me from behind and his mouth at my ear. Only this time it doesn’t ignite a desire to snuggle in. I am fuming and ready to claw his eyes out. I turn in his arms to face him down.
“You want me to ignore all this and just go with my heart? You want me to share your bed every night, act like everything is rosy and perfect and my father won’t do everything in his power to end this if I try to defy him? You don’t know what he is capable of Lorey. You don’t know the lengths he will go to stop someone he loves from doing something he deems wrong for our pack. I may be his son but that means nothing.” That snaps me to attention and the strained way the words rush out, his eyes softening from almost amber anger to that dark brown under lowered brows, blows a little wind out of my sails.
“Like what?” Tears bite in sheer agitation, my emotions getting the better of me that here we are arguing over this again, caught suddenly with the pain in his own eyes and he lowers his voice.
“You never stop to wonder where my mother is? Our luna…who should be here for her people, being the heart and glue that tended to our vulnerable in all these years?”
That low, raw question, which brings amber to his eye’s fully, winds me with the unexpectedness of it and I try to claw at the memory banks for an answer in the moment. Sometimes accessing his memories is not that easy. There are so many and jumbled so sometimes its better to know what or who you are looking for and I don’t even remember what she looks like. There are just confused snippets and nothing concrete that I can pull out in a second.
“Well, where is she?” My fury dies a little, curiosity shining through and toning down this row. I can’t sustain that kind of mad when my weak ass heart gets upset over him. Colton is a damn weakness and he just seems to know how to disarm my fury and cut right to the bone without trying. People seem bored we have stopped yelling and go about their day , bypassing us once more and he lets go of me and takes my hand instead.
“Maybe we need to have a talk somewhere private. I thought you would have seen all this in your head but maybe not. I guess because I have so few memories to share of her. Come on.”
That quietens me into submission, and I don’t fight him. Colton leads the way, grasping my hand and tugs me with him into the house the short distance away. It’s busy, filled with Santo’s coming and going from the mess hall, in all states of sports attire as training started today and everyone seems to either be rushing about or completely immobile in groups chatting. There is a sense of confusion with some, urgency with others and a holiday vibe with a few more. I guess some don’t realise the seriousness of why everything has changed, and some are overwhelmed with anxiety and rushing around doing whatever they are told with prompt action. It’s chaotic and overwhelming and I close down and allow him to lead me through.
Colton takes me away from the swarm of moving groups and heads towards the corridor to the communal room on this floor. He walks fast and I fall in step obediently. It only takes a silent minute to turn into the passage and head down towards the room where everything seems strangely hushed.
As soon as he hits the digits on the keypad, the door clicks open and the lights flicker on. I blink at the change from dull to bright and follow him inside quietly, waiting for him to move me in and shut the door. He locks it behind us, and it only adds to the tension rising inside of me that he clearly doesn’t want anyone else to eavesdrop.
He motions for me to sit, his manner is different, Mr serious on show in the form of the commander that came here last night and heads to the bar. He pulls it open and grabs two sodas for us before coming back and choosing to sit on the floor in front of my armchair. He hands me a can once he opens it for me and opens his own, taking a long drink before saying anything. I can tell he is delaying this, regaining composure or turning something over in his mind and I wait, patiently.
It’s something he thinks I should know, so I am not going to hurry him. I try to scan my memories in the long pause between us but it’s such a jumble when it comes to his mother of snips and bits of conversations that I don’t get a clear understanding of where she is. It has been something I noticed but I assumed she was just hiding out away from people after they returned from the wars. There were rumours long ago she , like Radar, had suffered facial damage and would no longer show herself in public.
“She’s not here.” He points out blankly as though reading my thoughts, after a moment of staring at his own can. I don’t recognise his raw, raspy voice and the strangled way the words come out. “I haven’t seen her for nine years.”
It’s not the answer I expected, and I gawp, heart skipping a beat, my eyes widening with surprise and I have no words at all. My head trying to pull that together and wondering if I missed some sort of public announcement that the Santo Luna had left the mountain. This was something the people had a right to know.
“She’s in a…. place, sort of…… care home, I guess. A medical facility. Has been since a few months after they came home from the war.” He leans forward so his gaze is more heavily focused on the floor, yet I catch the glow of amber before he tilts away enough that I can only see the top of his head. His emotions spiraling out.
“Why?” I can sense his distancing emotionally in a bid to stop me feeling his despair, cutting off and I can tell it’s because this causes him a mass amount of pain. I get a huge wave of grief not too dissimilar to how I felt when my parents never returned. He isn’t pushing me away because he’s ashamed, this is something that rips him up inside and he is aware he cannot control the intensity.
“Her mind is broken. My mother never came home the person she left. She isn’t who she was, and my father said it’s because she wasn’t strong enough to endure the horrors of the war. That it was too much, and she just faded away. She doesn’t talk, or move, or do anything anymore. He said she just stares into nothing and it’s like her body lives on, but her soul is gone.” He chokes on the words and it slices my stomach in response.
It winds me, my insides clenching up with the gravity of what he just said, and I stay sat in mute silence staring at him, trying to get my head around that. Figuring out what I am meant to say to that.
“He sent her away… my own mother, his mate. Cast her aside because her condition would hurt the pack. Show how weak she was and unworthy as a Luna and cause them doubt as to his own command. He won’t tell me where she is because he knows I would go see her and he doesn’t want me too. He says it would scar me.”
It’s starting to click in place even if Colton doesn’t see it himself. He doesn’t realise the link between him rejecting me for not being what the pack needs and the fact his mother fell at the same hurdle. Maybe in his head it’s messy and all jumbled up and he doesn’t really see it, but I do. It’s not just his fathers command holding him back, it’s a deep-rooted fear that maybe I wouldn’t be able to handle things either. I have never heard of wolves breaking down this way and I can’t even imagine what she must have seen to end up a shell of a person who abandoned all she loved.
The Luna, she is meant to be the gentle touch of her people. Her focus on the young and vulnerable while her alpha mate is the strength and protection of the many. Our Luna is not here and for ten years her weakest have suffered under his command. Her absence has been the sole reason my kind were pushed aside. She would never have allowed the orphans to be cast out, it’s the job of a Luna to maternally protect the young. It all makes so much more sense.
Juan’s focus was all about keeping the packs strong and promoting unity among the strongest. He wasn’t interested in the weak and condemned them to the dark side, so he didn’t have to take on his mates’ role and care for them.
No wonder Juan has become cold and cruel. His softer voice of reason who could sway with her bond to him, has been gone for years and offers no conflict to the decisions he makes. He rules with aggression and logic and has no tender care for anyone who isn’t strong. Her eye on her people is missing and her heart in their wellbeing is why so many of us were pushed out.
“He didn’t even let me say goodbye…he said it was for the best. Just had her moved and didn’t tell me until she was gone. I feel like he is ashamed of her for being weak.” Colton’s voice croaks a little, his emotions pushing through despite him trying to shield them and it pains me to feel that kind of broken anguish. He was her only child and from what I can feel, they loved one another deeply. It’s an almost unbearable pain as it swarms me, but I can relate. I knew this pain and have grieved with the same intensity. It’s the mourning of a parent’s death, even if he hasn’t lost her to the underworld.
“And that’s why he hates me, because he thinks I am the same.” I point out, watching for the reaction on his face, his eyes still glowing amber as he stares at the floor over his crossed legs. Unable to look me in the eye when caught in despair. I think Colton is shamed of being so broken by this, another pointer of Juan’s parenting skill. Colton has been lacking a mother’s touch for half his life. The one who should have nurtured and softened him after he was forced into battles as a child, taught him not to blindly follow his father in the way he does and instilled the strength to be his own alpha. He’s been at his father’s mercy for years, baring down on him and conditioning his outlook. Teaching him the cruelest of lessons about loyalty and love to your mate.
He discarded her as weak and put her somewhere to rot because he was shamed of her inability to handle what was thrown at her. He chose the good of the pack over the mate he was destined to care for. No wonder Colton is screwed up. His role model and moral guide taught him that love is secondary to duty.
“He just wants to protect me from the heartache he has endured. A mate in bond who still plagues his mind but it’s almost like she is dead. I don’t think he goes to wherever she is anymore as he hasn’t left this place for more than five years.” He shrugs with one shoulder, glancing to the side of us as a tear rolls down his cheek and I can tell he feels awkward at showing that kind of weakness. Wolves are macho and men they try not to cry much. Juan probably chastises him for this kind of weakness too.
Impulsively I slide from my chair and mirror his pose on the floor in front of him, so our knees touch and we sit face to face. My hand sliding to cover his thigh and I lean in, heart exploding with the need to console him. My own mind racing with many thoughts and reasons and explanations and seeing not a strong dominant alpha before me, but a scared young boy who just wants to let go of the choices that are too hard for him to make on his own. In so many ways he is still that eight-year-old kid who went from joyous ceremonial turning, to battle worn warrior in the space of a year.
“I’m not her. This is not about us.” I point out, knowing that somewhere deep inside he has those doubts. He saw my gifts coming through, he has started to really know me, and I hope he can see that as vulnerable as I may appear, there is a strength in me. The vampire attack it hurt me, left my heart weeping for those I have lost; it left me with horrible dreams and a fear of the dark shadows, but it didn’t crush me.
He needs to know that this situation might have a completely different outcome to his mothers and that what happened to her is so rare I never knew it could.
“It doesn’t matter what I think. If I believe you are stronger than her or not. He thinks I am blinded by the bond and he doesn’t trust my judgement. How can I know if he is right or wrong? He’s right in the fact our people need a future leader with a strong Luna by his side, but he just can’t accept that you are her. And I don’t think my heads clear enough to know without my heart always changing it.”
I get the full whack of his confusion and despair as he lets go of the floodgates he has been holding and I am swamped instantly with the chaos that has been living inside of him since that night. It’s overwhelming and I am drowned with the urge to sob. I have to cling on, like I’m on a rickety raft on a turbulent sea.
“Tell me honestly…. Deep down in your gut, your instinct, without questioning it, just impulsively answer, do you think I am capable of being that Luna?”
I need to know. I have to know why he keeps blowing from one decision to another. I need to understand what our future really holds. If he really believes I will be wrong for his people then I know, no amount of time together, kissing or even sex will sway him from doing what is right. His father is a voice in his head and his mother is a shining example of the result if he chooses wrong. His people matter more than I ever gave hi credit for and his head is full of the real fact the vampire wars are going to start over again.
If he does believe in us, then I can’t let him stray down this path without a fight.
He’s afraid of having me only to lose me to a broken mind when our world is turned upside down, or maybe even death, which ends us both. His father is filling his head with all of this and its all so very clear now why he is struggling with what he should do.
There is a part of him who is strong enough to defy his father if he chose to, I was wrong about that. It’s Colton’s own insecurity over whether he can put his feelings aside and make a right choice not just for his people, but for us, that is screwing him up. He’s terrified of what might happen to me if he puts me in a place that his mother was, carrying the burden of many, riding into battle ahead of the hordes and expecting me to mentally hold myself and them together as a Luna should. He’s overthinking all the possibilities with many others whispering in his ear.
This is way more complex than I first gave him credit for and it all just feels so hopeless. It’s not just about a wolf deciding on a mate…it’s so much more.
“I’m not going to lie…I don’t know.”
I can’t even be mad at that because I have no idea what is coming with this war or what his mother went through ten years ago. I think I have strength and courage and can deal, but maybe I’m just a child with a stubborn head and a foolish heart who thinks the fates would never steer me wrong.
I have no words and my hand slides back into my lap with the weight of realisation punching me in the gut.
“Now do you understand….love, it’s not the issue.” Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping mine in his and failing to warm the icy cold seeping through me with his touch. A sad desperation in the air between us as I nod hopelessly, head filled with so much and yet heart empty as numb overtakes me to save me from the pain it cannot deal with.
The fates, they should never have let any of this happen to either of us.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
