Running
I pick at my tray of food in the mess hall, pushing my salad around , completely distracted. I’m counting down the minutes before I can head upstairs, already on edge and unable to think about anything else despite telling myself I am only making it worse. My nerves are already shot.
Meadow is keeping her distance, sat down the far end of the long table because she knows she won’t be able to hold it in if we sit close. She isn’t really doing a great job of acting natural either and I can almost taste her tension, waving this way. I catch her eyes on me a couple of times, but she looks away quickly, as though we have had some sort of lover’s tiff and I wish she would stop before someone picks up on it. I think she is the reason I am on such high alert because she is adding to my stress levels.
The rest of the sub pack are dotted around me although still groups in an obvious unit. I’m stuck between the twins, who decided they were flanking me in here today and they are arguing about who got more coleslaw with their potato jackets while reaching over me in a bid to steal one another’s food. Radar watching them silently across the table, like an amused parent who has no inclination to intervene until I can’t take it anymore.
“Here. Just take mine okay. I’m not hungry and your making me crazy.” It’s a despairing snap as I push my tray at Remi on my left and skid my chair back to escape this nonsense. Not really caring if all eyes turn to quiet little me in surprise, because they are behaving like a couple of toddlers.
They behave like this at every mealtime but I’m on edge and tetchy and my nerves are pulled taut with the knowledge I have to get going soon if I am going to be ready by dusk. I have so much going on in my head and I just need time out.
I stand up, ignoring the enquiring glances but no one questions, probably guessing I finally got as fed up of them bickering as they do almost daily. Everyone has been feeling the strain of late with more trucks arriving this afternoon, more prisoners carried in from around the mountain, so I can be forgiven for the random outburst at the two most irritating of this sub pack. They may be older than me physically but it’s obvious the twins are the two most juvenile of the pack.
The mess hall is full of Santo’s chowing down at this hour, before they get called out to assemble for evening chores and duties. Patrols get pulled out on the main field an hour before dusk so that gives me a window of opportunity. To pack, get out and move before the first patrol starts walking the perimeter. We have a rest and refresh hour in our rooms after meals and for me that signals the last time I carry out my normal routine I have fallen into the past few days. It’s my window of opportunity.
I am supposed to help with the cleaning crews every day after our evening meal and tonight I’m in the laundry hall for the first time ever as they like to rotate duties. It says so on the checklist I got given a few days back but as I’ve never been in there before, I doubt I will be missed.
“I’m going to get changed and freshen up before chores begin.” I say it to no one in particular, trying to act natural and weirdly, Jesus is the one to reply. Eyeing me up in that odd paternal way he has become accustomed to doing lately.
“You should eat, keep your strength up. You have been looking pale these past few days.” I blink at him, unsure if I heard him right and just throw a subtle smile. Confused but appreciative of the unexpected care. He does sound like a dad or a big brother in this moment. Something I am not used to.
“He’s right. You look tired and eating well is part of fixing that. Here, sit, we will behave.” It’s Remi this time, pushing my plate back at me and as I glance from him to Domi who is nodding in agreement, both equally apologetically guilty and it hits me so hard it makes me choke up. There is no malice or deviousness in their expressions. They genuinely are trying to advise me for my own good. They have accepted me as part of the sub pack, while I wasn’t even paying attention. This is pack care; this is how it’s meant to be. Watching out for one another and guiding one of your pack when they need it. Being a family.
I almost break, tears hitting the back of my eyes and I have to try so hard to push them away. To not crumble and show them it has gotten to me, because for them, its natural behaviour and they don’t know how overwhelming it is or how absent from my life it has been. No one cared if I skipped meals in the home. If I looked pale or tired or even just plain sad. No one mentioned it, no one pushed me to take care of myself. I was so invisible for so long and now I feel like these people see me.
“I’m okay, and you’re right…I will eat later . I just need some quiet time I think.” I play it off coolly but inside so many warring emotions are kicking me in the ass, ripping my heart to shreds at the realisation I had a chance of a real pack family with these people and I’m leaving them behind. It’s hard to swallow, words sticking like glue in my throat and my face aches with the effort of keeping my expression neutral.
“Are you coming to the com room after chores?” Cesar startles me with this one and I blink at him, completely non plussed. Panic starting to set in.
“Yeah, we decided we needed some pack hang time, a few beers movie…just all chillin together.” Radar finishes it for him, all eyes on me standing awkwardly poised, and I hesitate , struggling to think up an instant refusal while dying inside that I’m literally being asked to initiate, to bond and I can’t. If ever there was a moment I wanted to kick the fates in the ass, it was now.
“You know the whole Carmen…Colton thing. I don’t think…..” I stutter my feeble excuse, hoping they take pity on that messy triangle of heartache.
“He won’t be there; he’s avoiding all of us, so screw him. And ‘Carmoanallday’, she’s following his ass around like she’s in the haze already. She won’t be there if he isn’t.” Remi, adding more weight to my already trodden down soul which is about to snap under all this pressure. I can’t formulate a reply, sweat beading at the back of my neck when Meadow swoops in and saves my ass. Her eyes darting to me, concern etched on her brow.
“Give her some breathing space guys. Girls had a tough week and she’s tired. Let her see how she feels after her first time down in laundry. We all know how tough that shift is in the sweat room.” She throws me a supportive half smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and I could practically kiss her. My foggy mind grasping onto that tiny reason to bail without actually rejecting the invitation.
“Yeah I’ll see how I feel after that. I hear it’s pretty exhausting and I might be wiped out after. Don’t want to ruin your viewing with my snores. “ I make light, exhaling softly with relief that she gave me an angle and the urge to kiss her all over again calms me down.
“Well you know where it is, we will be there after nine.” Domi, too now and I honestly feel like this is some sort of sign, but I have to ignore it. I have to stay steadfast with the plan.
“Sure, I’ll catch you guys later. I better go.” It’s a fast exit, saying it as I make a turn and head away so I don’t get sidetracked with anymore conversation or unexpected invitations. Hoping not to get caught in another offer I almost cannot refuse and I’m so busy looking back and smiling a them guiltily, that I don’t look where I’m coming and crash chest on into someone coming in the mess hall door. I collide, bounce with a ‘hooomph’ noise and almost send myself and them, flying with the force of collision.
“Ouch!” I yelp out in response , winded momentarily and inhale sharply, catching my breath in my throat when I realise who is standing a foot back from me now and looking equally surprised. That swoon worthy cute boy face, dark sultry eyes under a furrowed brow and I just want to melt into a hole on the floor and disappear.
“Hey.” Colton tries to avoid looking right at me, the awkward tension deafening and I swear for a moment I feel like looking up at the sky and screaming WHY??? Someone up there is really testing me now I know what I’m doing, and I can’t deal with this on top of everything.
“Hey, and bye.” I throw the words in a hurried almost sassy breath, duck around him fast, avoiding looking at him anymore than I need to and head on my way at speed not wanting to get into this with him. He affects me in all ways, and I can’t stay strong with him in my head. It’s already too raw and I don’t want to lose my courage. I don’t look back, almost fall over Carmen running along behind him, ignore her completely and shut off my hearing when his voice echoes after me
“I guess… bye.” He sounds wounded but screw him. He has no right to be hurt at my rebuff because he has literally ignored me for days. He’s the reason I’m running. I try not to let myself react, just tuck my head down and keep going, pushing it all away.
I stop thinking about him, will my brain to focus on the steps I’m taking and hyper speed up the stairs as soon as I get out of sight. I just need to file everything into one little box in my head and focus on doing and not feeling. My emotions are not a help, I have to just take from logic . I can fall apart later, when I’m out of here and miles away. I can break like a damn, wail to my heart’s content but just not right now. I have to be strong to see this through.
Despite that it doesn’t stop a tiny little murmur of jealousy in the corner of my brain shouting questions at me anyway.
Why was he heading in their anyway? He doesn’t eat with us anymore for some unknown reason and where was he with her? They didn’t look like they just bumped into each other, she was definitely following him into the mess hall, although to be fair she has been following him for days too.
I push the green mist aside, chastising myself for it and get my ass up the stair, along the hall and down to the end where my room sits. Wasting no time getting inside and breathe a sigh of relief when I lock it shut from the inside and sag back for a moment to pull my wits together. I turn to walk to my bed and unexpectedly kick something light across the floor, looking down as it skids to the centre of my rug and stops. I scoop down to pick it up.
It’s an envelope and I recognise Meadows gentle curving cursive on the front. I turn it over hastily, inhaling her heady mix of scent and perfume as I pull it open and gawp at the stash of cash inside. There’s a note tucked in behind the money and I pull it out to read it, hands shaking at my discovery, once again overwhelmed.
Hey, Chica416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKfhK07rxC
This isn’t much, but you need it more than I do.416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh90NzF7WXS
My number is on the back of this. Keep it. You know where we are if you need us.416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3dcK0nijm
We are your pack.416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ano7y4cOY
I’ll miss you.416Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDvb192z5f
XXX
The tears mist my eyes, my throat swelling so I almost can’t breathe as ache hits me low in the gut and threatens to make me crumble. I push the note back inside quickly, trying to combat it and flick through the cash, mentally counting almost two hundred dollars and it breaks the wall that had been holding in the tears. I slump down onto the floor, like a disheveled sack and begin to cry, holding it close to my chest and completely break down.
It’s not just for this, but for everything.
Why now did I find my pack, at a time when I thought I had no other option?
I have to pull myself together and stop being weak. None of this matters, and it doesn’t change things. I have to get my crap together and just stick to what I decided. I have to stay strong and determined.
I pull myself to get up and walk to the closet, despite heaving with wracking breaths as I try to stop the tears. I have to find some sort of bag. Luckily whoever brought my things from the orphanage packed some of them in a large backpack that had been Vanka’s. I drag it out of the bottom corner, hold it for a second, a fresh wave of pain twisting my insides as I stroke across the corner where she wrote her name in a black marker pen. Bold jaggy letters that somehow represent who she was in life. I numb it out, swallow it down it down and begin to haul out essentials and stuff them inside.
I need basics like a couple changes of clothes, toiletries, the money, the snacks I have in my room. I need something to sleep with too, like a blanket to lay on the ground and something to carry water in, just in case I can’t find a stream or river in hours. I don’t know what else to pack and I end up shoving things in haphazardly. A book I never got to reading, the iPod that was among my belongings and then I realise I probably won’t be able to charge it if I stay in the wilderness and put it back on the shelf. I find a lighter, a swiss pen knife that I kept among my treasured items from my father’s possessions. Some old camping matches and his flint stick for making fires should I run out of the others.
I push through my stuff and come to Colton’s grey t-shirt he gave me to wear when I had shredded my clothes. I thought I had given everything back to Meadow for him, but this still remains. His human smell still lingers in the fabric, despite it being washed or maybe I am just conjuring it up for myself. I impulsively push it in the bag stroking it for a second too long and zip everything up inside I shouldn’t take apart of him with me, for my own sanity but I can’t bear to take it back out.
I keep checking my watch, even though I know I have another 3 hours before they assemble for dusk patrol. I have to kill time without going back downstairs and acting weird. I need to occupy myself up here until it’s time to go without obsessing and driving myself crazy.
A shower!!! The thought hits me… that’s an idea and a nap if I can force it. Refresh myself, change into more suitable clothes than this sport pant and t-shirt duo I have sweated all over. Tasks will pass the time and keep my brain centred.
I pull my clothes off without hesitation, throwing them in my wash basket and head to the bathroom quickly. Yanking my hair down from my ponytail and turn on the shower , testing it before I go to step in.
Lorey? You there?
Colton’s voice hits me in the centre of my forehead, the last thing I was expecting and I almost slide with surprise as I lay my foot on the wet shower floor, grabbing onto the door to stop myself falling like a newborn fawn on unsure legs.
For the love of all that is holy!! Why are the fates screwing with me today?
Yes, what do you want?
I snap a little harshly feeling instantly bad at my knee jerk reaction to him, then not when anger kicks me in the butt and reminds me what an ignorant asshat he is. That he is all good to reach out now after an unexpected brush with me downstairs, that clearly pushed his need to contact me button a lot harder. I rub my bruised shin which bashed the shower screen and jump in under the hot water instead of standing out here like an idiot.
I just….after seeing you downstairs….. I wanted to make sure you are doing okay.
I can pick up on the hesitation, the agony in his tone and I end up sighing heavily. Madness wavering because I am a fool when it comes to him sounding like this and against all me better judgements, I soften my tone when I should be cutting him off instead.
Why are you reaching out? We both know what you’re going to do, can we just not do this?
He’s killing me, making all those emotions spiral up and mess with me all over again and I need to be stronger than this. I need to bring back the bite to my voice, the steel to my resolve and end this before I make myself even more confused.
I can’t seem to stop myself. I can only go so long and the need to see you or hear you gets too much.
Back to his hot, cold bullshit and I know if I let myself get drawn in again it’s only going to go like every other time. A couple days of pulling close and then he backs off and leaves me feeling desolate again. I get it, I do, because the need for him is always stronger when we have some sort of contact but I’m not playing anymore. Its not helping either of us, and as much as I love him, I have to do this.
I have a solution…every time you feel like you have to talk to me…go talk to Carmen. I’m sure she will love that.
I focus on something to be pissed about and it does the trick. I can always count on my broken-hearted jealousy to find the fire in my soul. I sound as bitter as he makes me feel and I’m glad the water is pouring over my face and camouflaging the tears that have started to fall of their own accord. I have zero control of that right now and just glad he can neither see nor hear them.
I deserve that. I don’t know what to say to you. I guess we both know what’s going to happen in a weeks’ time. I don’t know how to say the words to you or how to say sorry for what I am going to do.
In that one little statement he confirms my worst fears and solidifies my decision. Ripping what is left of my shredded mutilated heart out and stomping on it all over the floor.
He has chosen to go through with marking her and this is his goodbye.
Then don’t. Maybe just leave me alone until it’s done and then we will see what happens from there. I need to go. I have to go do chores.
I lie, trying to sound tough. Mentally scathing in tone even if my body is starting to shake with the build up of sobbing coming my way. Trembling as I try to hold it in. Throwing cold and snappy in there, limbs quaking with the effort, but I cant let him know what it is I am planning on doing.
Right. Chores. I have to go assemble for patrol in a couple hours. Enjoy your chores…. I guess I’ll see you around.
He lingers, saying it slowly as though looking for a reason to not let this end.
Yeah, you too. Now I gotta go. Bye.
I don’t give him a chance to reply, sensing his hesitation so I take control this time. I’m the one to close the door on our link and shut it down dead as I do. I don’t want him getting through and I mentally lock it and toss the key aside. I’m not going to lie; it feels like I just stabbed myself in the chest with a dull object and I gasp sob when the dead silent noise consumes that part of my mind.
I stop for a moment to process the conversation and despite trying so hard to be strong, I end up sitting on the floor under the full force of my shower head and sobbing my heart out until I can’t breathe with the effort. The doubts start to slide in, and I have to keep chastising myself for being so stupid.
This is why he has stayed away, because it makes both of us weak and just clouds our judgment. I should have known seeing him would have pushed him to contact me. Its harder when we do, especially touching. I probably played on his mind after I left because of that simple moment and I am just as pathetic sitting here crying over him. I shouldn’t have responded to him just as he shouldn’t have reached out. It’s just more proof that our bond is powerful, and neither can control the way it tries to keep bringing us back together.
I hate the fates and this infernal bond. Its just messing up everything and I have no control over my feelings anymore. I thought I was strong but when it comes to him, I’m an idiot. I’m a fool for him in every way and I can’t even stay mad or hateful no matter what he does because the second I get a chance at connecting, I let him. I shouldn’t have left the link open all week; I should not have let myself get taken in for even a second. I should have just been done the second I decided I was leaving and not given him a window of opportunity. I won’t make that mistake again for sure.
I yank myself up, pull my head out of my ass and aggressively wash down while refusing to break down anymore. It’s the past. It’s not where I need to be mentally. I wash my face until it feels raw, wiping away tears I don’t want to cry anymore, and shampoo my hair with vigor as though cleansing my head of thoughts and feelings.
I finish up fast, yank a towel on when I step out and focus all my efforts on drying quickly, rubbing my hair as dry as I can get it before combining it into a sleek ponytail and pulling on fresh underwear and clothes. I slide on jeans, a tank and sweater, pull on some socks and sneakers and take a last look around the room for anything I want to add to my backpack.
I tidy my room, make the bed and then lay down on top of it and try to force myself to take a nap to kill some time, staring blankly at the ceiling and refusing to let my mind wander back to him, us or this crappy situation.
There’s a noise outside my door that makes me flinch and I pause, stare at it praying to god he hasn’t decided to come here and start this shit all over again. It’s what he does…and I hold my breath, listen intently, my own heart beating loudly in my ears as panic sets in.
I can’t see him…I can’t let him sway me or touch me or get close. My heart will betray me if I do.
It’s followed by the squeak of one of the cleaning carts and I exhale in relief when it rolls right on by my room and fades into the distance. My body weak with relief and I sprawl out star shaped on my bed exhaling so heavily I let out a whoosh noise and then moan at my own stupid despair.
Stop freaking out Alora. You’re going to get yourself in such a mess and not be able to follow through. Relax, breathe, count.
I put everything into doing just that, remember the techniques I used to use when I stayed in the home and couldn’t relax or sleep on nights when everything just got to me too much.
I picture a meadow, a sweet-scented field full of pretty flowers, and one by one as I walk through them I count the heads, picking them out touching them as I go. I visualise the colours, the feel of their softy silky petals on my fingers and the way the subtle scent blows around on the breeze, coming to me in mixed smells as they all dance and sway in ripples. It helps me drift into a calmer state of mind. The noise of nature drowning out everything else in my mind’s eye. If I can just focus my energy for a little while longer then I can get through this. Once I’m out of here and on my way it will be easier.
It seems to work, and I drift into a semi hazy state of rest and before I know it, an hour or more has passed and it’s getting dull outside. I come to, aware I have lost time and must have slept; blinking at the sudden light change of the space around me and check the clock on my wall. I’m shocked that it’s been more than a couple of hours since I came up here already. I guess I spent a long time in the shower to begin with and I hop up woozily, pacing to bring the nerves back in line that are firing up and wakening my senses.
It’s early yet but I don’t think I have it in me to wait any longer and I stalk to my window to look out over the back of the pack house. It’s deserted back here, still too light for the guards to take up position and maybe it’s a sign I shouldn’t wait until the dusk hour. Maybe too many will be out there, and I might not be able to make up excuses if I get stopped trying to make my way out. Everyone should be running around doing chores right now so I might actually have a better chance if I do it now.
A quick plan comes to mind, and I turn, picking up my damp towels from the laundry and wrap them haphazardly around my backpack, adding my sweats so they look like a bundle of dirty clothes. I had intended scaling down my window later if I could, but this way I can walk through the house as though I am late for laundry duty, anyone sees me then I’m just collecting clothes and I can use the exit in the hall before the laundry room to access the rear of the house. It’s a solid plan and I don’t waste time in pulling myself together.
I bundle my faux pile up in my arms, checking in the new mirror that was hung in here the other day to see if my backpack is on show. Satisfied it isn’t I head to the door, take one last look around my room and take a deep steadying breath.
It’s time to do this.
I use one hand to haul it open, slide out and head left towards the back stair down to the first floor. The one that’s closest to my door and brings me out in the same narrow corridor that leads to the back exit and the laundry door. Its perfect. I don’t know why I didn’t click on this before and maybe this is the fates trying to make up for messing with me.
I pass a few people who are lugging carts or hoovers from room to room and keep my head down, not really noticed by them, wishing I had worn a hoody so I could pull it up but its too late now. I stick on my route, turn into the stair, scale it in seconds in hyper speed and then head along the final corridor to freedom.
Soon as I get near the door I look around, see no one is out here despite the hustle and bustle and steam coming from the nearby closed door to laundry and head out the back door instead. No one is back here either, oddly; it’s either good fortune or someone up there is giving me a break. I am aware a lot of windows look this way though and I am still not free and clear.
I unwrap my bag, pull it on my back and kick my dirty clothes and towels in a nearby bush. Look around before sticking up against the house, back sliding along the harsh brickwork and eyes darting all around me. I almost crawl under the window to the room I am meant to be in right now, holding my breath every inch of the way. My heartbeat is crazy fast and racing, my breaths shallow and hurried. My face getting damp with perspiration because I am scared to hell of being caught and marched to Juan Santo.
I stick in the flower beds, stepping over them so I don’t trip, up tight to the walls and duck under every window I get to. Taking it slow, trying to remain silent as I do and battling my own shaking limbs. I am heading for the tree line which runs one side of the manor and once I get in there I can run as fast as my body allows me, relatively unseen in its dense close-knit woods. It extends for a couple of miles right out of the valley and into the farmlands beyond. I can’t turn as I don’t want to ruin my clothes now, I only have two full outfits, but I should be able to speed out without doing it.
I hold my breath when a door swings open, freezing in place, half crouched and eyes widening in horror. I glance back, seeing it swing out into view and I literally feel my heart skip a beat, sweat rolling down my forehead from my hairline. No one comes out, though a voice waves my way closer than I expected.
“Yeah leave it open, its like a god damn sauna in here. It’s inhumane making us work in this shit for hours on end.” I don’t recognise the female voice and whoever opened the door mumbles in response, retreating inside and fading in volume level.
I exhale, relaxing heavily thinking my legs might give out with that little moment of shock, move my ass back into gear and run crawl the rest of the way feeling lightheaded.
As soon as I hit the tree line, I pull myself behind the biggest trunk I can find and use it as a viewpoint to check if anyone saw me. Taking a much-needed minute to pull myself together, breathe properly and lean up against the rough bark until I regain the strength and the jellyness in my leg’s fades. I check my surroundings, surprised that there is literally no one at all out here but as Juan has made it clear for days the vampires can’t be out in daylight, I guess that’s why. Everyone is busy doing what they are meant to be doing and I can hear voices on the wind form the front of the manor, hinting that a lot of those with no chore work are assembled in the front field.
I won’t get another chance like this.
I put my head down, turn into the direction I want to go and set my legs in motion with no intention of slowing down, stopping or looking back until there is at least five miles between me and Radstone. I feel like I may have a heart attack as soon as I set in motion, but I keep one strong thought the centre of my mind.
I’m free….don’t let up until I am sure of it.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
