Time
It’s been a few days since Colton told me about his mother and I swear she keeps plaguing my thoughts. It’s like a tiny itch in my brain I can’t shake, and I keep coming back to it over and over for no obvious reason. I even dreamt of her last night and it was the weirdest most confusing thing ever. It came after I finally located a memory of her in this shared library of thoughts and can now put a face to her. I must have tried too hard and implanted her in my brain to mess with me.
I do remember her vaguely, only in my own memories she is faceless because I couldn’t remember her all that well, so it was nice to now apply features to her. She used to come to the library near our farm every weekend and read books to the children. I remember her being a caring beautiful lady, well spoken, well dressed and she had no prejudices against wolves from rival packs. She always wanted to see us live in peace and harmony and she had this warm pull to her that I see in Colton sometimes when he isn’t closing up on me and freezing me out.
The dream lingers in my mind despite being up for hours and now I am sat on the grass taking a break from training I feel her voice ebbing back to me from the recess of my mind. My fatigue letting it slip back in as I cool down and catch my breath.
“Save us.” It’s all that comes through and It gives me the same shivers it did when I dreamt it. She had walked up to me, in a bright white sterile, wall less space with no one else around me and blurred. I was standing in the middle, unsure where I was meant to go or how I even got there. She appeared in the distance catching my eye right away, almost hazy and surrounded by a sort of fog which cleared as she came closer; dressed in a light shapeless gown almost like a medical covering, except it was pure snow white. Her hair was loose and free and hung longer than I can recall from my memory bank, it was almost touching her waist whereas she always kept it jaw length.
When she came into focus, I could see her cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blood shot, her skin streaked where they had fallen over and over and her smock was soaked through as though they had been absorbing thousands of them. Her desperate sadness consumed and overwhelmed me, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to breathe with the heaviness of her pain. She was eerily pale, beautiful still but only the shadow of the woman from Colton’s memories. She touched my face softly, startling me with the sheer warmth she exuded, leaned in so close that she almost kissed me, her heat invading the coolness of my own air and whispered it right into my face, startling me to wake in the dull stillness of my own room.
I shudder again, aware the memory of her touch on my skin has pushed a physical sensation on my cheek and I touch it in a bid to remove the feel of it. The dream had felt so real and I hate that it won’t leave me alone in waking hours. The total opposite to Colton though. He’s been practically absent, mentally.
Something he has been doing for an infuriating number of days. It’s like opening up about her reminded him of all the reasons he chose to reject me, and he back tracked at a hundred miles an hour. He has been on active avoidance ever since.
He comes to training, barks orders at me from a safe distance and has our mind link on permanent closed door. It’s making me madder than hell, infuriating that once again he has done another U turn but whenever I try to talk to him, he walks off and blanks me. He makes sure I can’t get close; I can’t touch him and he either sticks with the sub pack so I can’t get him alone or leaves before anyone so I can’t follow.
I know what he’s doing and as much as I want to punch him in his genitals for it, I do understand but its just so frustrating. What makes is worse is Carmen has caught onto the strained atmosphere and is laying on the oozing flirt mode with all her might, driving even the males of the pack to eye roll every time she baby talks him. I think she sees it as hope or an opening that she is on the path to getting him back and it’s making me sick to watch her smugly move in on him at every chance.
Colton still isn’t tolerating her, but it doesn’t mean I am not having day visions of my turning and ripping her throat out several times a day. Killing a fellow wolf is a mortal sin but I would happily pay the time for that crime.
Meadow is the only thing keeping me sane and last night she camped out in my room to cheer me up and distract me, watching movies and having girl time to throw off all the stresses of everything going on around us. She brought me clothes and make up, not that I needed them now my own belongings were left at my door when I came back from training a couple of days ago. I suspect Colton went and packed up everything with my scent on in the orphanage, but I can’t be sure, and he wont stick around to let me ask him at all. It just adds to my fury because it shows he still cares; he still thinks about my needs, but he just won’t face me at all. His mind is set, and I know what this means for us.
He doesn’t come to mess hall to eat; he just shows up at the park to train and leaves as soon as we are done for the day. He also spends a lot of time with Juan, patrolling the lay of the land and overseeing the training camp and the new buildings. I have seen them walking together many times and I almost couldn’t control my own loathing growls.
The pack is getting uneasy and Meadow mentioned that he hasn’t called any kind of communal since, as though he too is avoiding any real dialogue with any of them. He knows the pack will have questions about this. He brought me to them, made it seem like I might have a chance and then snubbed me as they were beginning to accept my presence. He’s caught inside his own head as he tries to work things out, but we are losing time. Ticking away slowly as the full moon approaches in its cycle and I don think I can take much more. Logic is telling me to give up on him, but I don’t want to accept this is it. That he is done and just given up on us after what he said to me.
I mean I have been lost in my own thoughts too, but I am not being a cold idiot and cutting him off. Its like he just abandoned me after dumping me in his sub pack and what am I meant to do after the full moon?
If he marks her where do I go? What do I do? I’m only here because of my link to him. I’m not a Santo, I don’t belong here and although the sub pack seem to be warming to me, I’m not bonded to them. I’m not one of them and Carmen will kick my ass to the curb the second he marks her. She will be his beta, pushing Meadow down the ranks from merely becoming his mate. That’s how it works. She will have more say than any of them and I can see Colton allowing her to move me out for the sake of their pairing. She hates me with a passion and spends all her time either drooling after him or throwing me shade. Its just a waiting game until she has that power to finally eject me.
I exhale heavily and pull myself up off the grass where I have been sitting cross legged for the past ten minutes, letting my mind run riot as Meadow strolls on up beside me and slumps down too. She is barely panting after scaling some thirty-foot tree climbs and almost no sweat has formed on any part of her. I am over here looking like I rolled in a puddle.
I have to admit though, in only a few short days my stamina is improving, and I no longer hit the shakes and near vomit like the first time we did this.
“What is it when men today? I swear I must be getting my own cycle because I want to stab idiots in the head. It’s like the haze is coming in and making them all stupid.” Meadow slumps back on the grass, looking very athletic in pink leggings and matching sports bra that enhance her natural assets. Cesar has been driving her mad the past few days with his overprotective side kicking in as Juan upped the training schedule and started pushing his agenda a little harder.
The haze is mating season and yes, it’s fast approaching and can make the males a little crazy possessive, over sensitive and willing to wrap their mates in cotton wool. It’s an inevitable part of our year which thankfully is short lived but sees every male and femme who have been turned go into horny overdrive. Most mated couples don’t leave the bedrooms for days on end. The unmated are fair game and many rushed unions after it’s over, markings and such out of unwanted puppings have been borne. It’s craziness.
Meanwhile, the villagers around the mountain are refusing to budge with only a few actually moving to the makeshift accommodation Juan has been building. I know this is angering him and its denting his ego that these people don’t see him as the authority he thought they did. After all these years of swanning around thinking his transition to ruler was set in stone and no one would dispute it. His anger is obvious and the show of force yesterday as trucks came in depositing screaming women and children in the camp hinted that he had snapped and started to take them against their will. It was horrendous, and I watched in horror as women with bound wrists, roped so they couldn’t fight were hauled out and unclamped to be reunited with hysterical children from another truck. He had separated them. Taken babies from mothers in a bid to keep them compliant. Their mates following soon after, giving up the fight and coming to submissive control to be with their families.
Who does that?
It left a mixed feeling among the Santo’s and everyone has been on edge, nipping at one another, having to police the new additions in case they try to return home. You can feel the utter disgust in the air around us. No one questioning their alpha, but no one agrees with this. Colton was beside him on the podium when the first trucks came in and he couldn’t stomach it for more than seconds. Saying something to his father, I could see his aggression peeking. They argued and Colton stormed off and stayed out of sight for the rest of that deposit. The elders all looked on in silent agreement with Juan.
Traitors.
It feels like this place is turning into some sort of prison with wardens and it’s fast collapsing around Juan’s ears as wolves begin to verbally question this in the corners and hallways. You hear the whispers, but they soon fall silent for fear it will get back to him. Everyone knows he is ruthless and would punish any one of them. He has his own lethal pack of war bitten psychotic wolves who do his bidding. His elders, his brother and his beta. Juan’s untouchable and has the force to back up his claim to being the uniting alpha. He rules with fear, not respect.
There has been no word on any vampire attacks beyond ours since the orphanage, we have had no word that Juan has actually let anyone know about, and there hasn’t been any new hits or hints of a threat. Apart from my new living situation its like it never happened and no one mentions the lives we lost that day. I didn’t even get to bury them or pay my last respects. The cleanup crew moved in and their bodies were burned outside the city limits without anyone being told until after it was done. Like worthless trash that needed to be disposed of. A black mark Juan wanted to wipe clean and push out of sight because HE can never be seen to be failing at anything.
Juan hiding more shame, the same way he hides his black mark – Luna Sierra Santo. It seems he likes to keep secrets and pretend history is not what it is. I wonder how many of the stories of our victories of the war have been exaggerated and twisted. No one talks of the fallen or the battles they lost, they only teach us of the heroic wins and the wolves that came back.
“Tell me about it. Colton is high on my hit list today , not that I will get close enough to do anything about it.” I sulk into my own lap, answering Meadow, depressed and exhausted with this situation and Meadow leans up on her elbows to look at me.
”He wont even talk to me about it, Chica. God knows I have tried but he’s inside his own head. He does this sometimes, although not for so long. Goes into lockdown and pushes everyone to arms reach until he figures it out. I think the impending full moon is only making him worse as the clock ticks down and his father is still messing with his head. I swear if Juan left him alone for just a week, that boy would soon see right and do what his heart is telling him.”
“Has his father said anything more about Carmen?” I ask outright, afraid to have these conversations with her as they always leave me feeling worse, but she is the only person I have had to talk to, and I know she is on my side in this.
“Only that Colton needs to think of the future of his people. Honestly, I don’t even know why Juan is rooting for Carmen, she wasn’t good enough a month ago when he was constantly telling him he needed to get serious a find a better mate. I don’t get it. “ Meadow shrugs and drops back down on the grass, rolling on her side to pick out some peeking daisies and twirls them between those talons she calls nails.
“Wait, what? I thought Juan was invested in her as the best femme as Luna? He is sure as hell fighting her corner hard enough!” I blanche, my head spinning to her fully as rage ignites inside of me, pushing self-pity down.
“Nah, you got that all wrong. Juan has never warmed to her, he only seemed to take any kind of interest in their relationship the second the fates brought you to Cole as his companera. Up until then he was the reason Colton hadn’t yet settled and marked her. Always whispering in his ear that she was not ready, and Colton was young and had time; that he should sew some wild oats and live a little. He only started with this marking shit when he knew Colton had his sights set on you.”
“So, his dislike of me contradicts even that. Screwing with Colton’s choice even before me. I swear I wish I knew why he was so against me. It can’t just be because of the home and losing my family.“ I exhale grabbing at the grass in exasperation and yanking out some stems before watching them blow from through my fingers on the wind.
“The man is all about honour and power, it is totally about you being one of the unwanted. Its like a black mark on his bloodline to accept the fates bonded one so unworthy to his only son. He’s obsessed. I don’t think he is all there since the wars, a little loco if you ask me.” She points at her temple and rotates in a circle, leaning up on one elbow to look at me once more but it doesn’t bring any lightness to the conversation.
“I hate him. Even if he is mentally unwell. He is the reason nothing in my life has been good for a long time. He’s the one who called the packs to unite and go to war. He’s the reason my mother left me to follow his call when they asked for warriors to protect our lands, even though he wasn’t our alpha. My father tried to stop her…he knew he had little chance of returning. He wasn’t a warrior; none of my people were. They should have stayed behind and protected the ones here, not left it to the children like Colton to take on a man’s job.”
There’s no point on dragging over the failings of the past but I can’t help it. The wars were a shambles for our people even if we did end up coming out on top. The packs had no tactics or pulling together until it was almost too late. So many who should never have gone left our weakest vulnerable to be watched over by young wolves or newly turned. We were lucky to survive attacks on our own homelands.
“Juan isn’t the man he used to be. Cole didn’t just lose his mother in those wars; his father came back a changed man, even before they left. The battles they got inside his head. I think it’s why Colton clings on so hard to winning his approval, clawing to stay connected to the only parent he has left. His father has single handedly raised him these past ten years, Cole is loyal to a fault; he may seem tough sometimes, but he has his mother’s warm heart.”
“Do you think Juan turned this way, because of the Luna?”
I so desperately want to understand why someone who was once held high and respected among his own pack is now feared and questioned. Why his own pack hide in corners to disapprove of his tactics. That is not the sign of a healthy united pack. That is the sign of a failing alpha, clinging onto his power.
“I don’t know. All I know is he is not the uncle I knew as a girl and I don’t recognise him anymore. Cole just tries to pretend he is still in there and looks for the best in him. I think he’s scared of being cast away like his mother was and forgotten by all who love him if he pushes it. His father likes to throw it out there that Colton has her weak genes and it’s probably why he tries so hard to do what Juan says.”
“Colton isn’t weak….. he’s confused. What do you think Juan would do if he defied him and marked me on the full moon? Do you think Juan would send him away?” I have to know, if there is hope of changing his mind, that maybe Colton will still come through. Even if his behaviour is telling me that he has already pushed all indecision aside and chosen a path. I need to cling onto a tiny little ray that there is still time to sway him.
“I didn’t, until Cole came to me and told me he believes his father would find a way to take you from him if he defied his decision. He hasn’t said it outright, but he’s implied it. Cole’s worried you would be the one taken in the night the way his mother was and kept from him with no way of finding you. God knows he hasn’t stopped trying to find her but there’s no trace and those who know they don’t speak about it. He has no idea which of the elders helped and the Shaman was no part. He is also baffled as to where she is.”
I always wondered about the shaman. Colton seems to trust him, and he doesn’t seem to spend his days by Juan’s side as the elders do. In fact, the shaman hides away until the turning ceremony each month and rarely comes out.
“How can he still blindly love a man who can do that to him. She was his mother.” I despair at the thought, sinking down into my crossed legs and perch my elbows on my knees so I can lean my chin into my palms. Propping myself up while my body sags in deflation.
“Love, Chica, it does loco things to rational people and no matter how cold Juan is, Cole still loves him as a son should. He is all he has in terms of real family.“ Meadows sighs heavily too and I can taste her hopelessness in the air, seeping into me. She looks down at the grass and goes back to picking daisies and throwing them over her shoulder in distraction.
“There really isn’t any hope for us, is there. Colton cutting me off, all of this, it’s to protect me ….he’s going to mark Carmen and that’s going to be the end of it. I can feel it in my bones.”
As much as I go around in circles in my head, I can’t see any other outcome. As much as I want him to be strong for me, its not really about that. He is strong, he’s just cares too much. He’s faced with all these paths and possibilities and even if he chooses me over Juan…he has a fear he will take me from him, and I don’t doubt he would. Seeing the way he has been treating his own kind these past days has sickened me to my stomach and I need to start putting myself first. I need to face facts. Colton won’t endanger me with the possibility his father will snatch me from him. He will do what his father wants because his hands are tied. Colton is fated to lead his people; he can’t run from that and his father holds all the ropes where he is concerned. He is bound, unable to free himself no matter what way he turns.
Colton is going to betray the bond, for the love of me. As crazy as that sounds. Its clear in his behaviour now and the way he has again shut me off. He is trying to make it easier because he knows what he has to do. He knows that if we continued to stay close, he would keep fighting for us and not fully submitting to what his father wants.
I can’t keep being mad about the fact that our bond should be stronger, because I realise this is not about that. The bond is strong, its what keeps pulling him to me and messing with his head over and over. Its what will push him to mark her in the hopes of breaking me free and keeping me safe from harm. The only problem is that once he does mark her then I shouldn’t be here. I may still have a link that endangers his life but without his heart and eye on me the way it is now , Juan might make a move and take me away anyway. He may still make me disappear and go wherever Colton’s mother is to be sure his son doesn’t get tempted in any way. I’m the enemy in Juan’s eyes.
I just wish I knew why he hated my kind with this force of passion. We were all the same once upon a time. It’s not my fault my family died. It’s his.
“I wish I could argue but the last few days, Cole being like this. I don’t think there is. I know him, Chica. His mind is set. He thinks he is protecting you.” Meadow sits up fully, hugging her own legs as tears mist her eyes, and she reaches out and strokes my hair. Her desperation rising as she too accepts that this is how it is. Neither of us has wanted to say it in the last few days but the tides are changing, we can feel it in the air. Our people are perched on a cliff and change is coming. The threat thickening the atmosphere and we both know this is futile.
“I need to accept it, before then. Just not let Colton factor into my plans and focus on doing what is right for me.” My voice is strong, my words direct but my heart wavers. A pain spreading because I know what I must do.
Meadow begins to cry softly, pretty droplets rolling down her flawless skin and I can tell she knows where this is heading. Her silence is her agreement.
“You will always be my pack sister. No matter where you are.” Her statement tells me she does know and she isn’t going to argue about it. She is a realist and she knows my life won’t improve when Colton marks Carmen. I will be this inconvenient issue stuck in the way.
“I know what I have to do to ensure my own safety and my own future.” I guess deep down I have been churning this over for days, knowing it’s where I was heading but until now, I didn’t want to face it or say the words. I have pulled my head apart and churned my mind in circles over this and it all kept coming to the same blank spot I didn’t want to fill in.
Meadow’s soft tears turn to shuddering fat ones and she scrunches her body into a ball, cuddling herself tighter to console so we won’t draw the attention of the sub pack who are racing around the run track nearby.
“I wish there was another way, but I know what you are saying is true. You were never welcomed and there is a chance the marking will completely severe your bond and leave you as Juan’s prey. He won’t leave loose ends to come back and mess with what he wants.”
It’s all the confirmation I need as a plan clicks into place and she verbalises the fear that has been gnawing at me. If Colton marking Carmen does severe my tie to him, Juan will kill me and burn my body with the rest of my rejects.
“No one will notice if I go and Colton, maybe in a few days might question it but the full moon will swoop in and he will do what he has to.” His avoidance has meant he hasn’t linked in any way, doesn’t come by my room and avoids any interaction. Besides Meadow, he is the only one who would care if I don’t show up for training.
“Don’t make me say goodbye, don’t tell me when. I don’t think I can handle knowing. I don’t want to keep that kind of secret from Cesar, he would know.”
I understand and I reach out and touch her gently on her knee, my own eyes misting over but I hold myself together. Apprehension circling in my gut but my focus is clear, and my mind made up.
“Sisters don’t say goodbye, they say laters, Chica.’ I use Meadow’s pet name, our eyes meeting as damp emotional smiles are passed. I am going to miss those blue eyes and that sassy spunk. I pull myself to my feet, head determined and surprisingly free of tears despite her breaking her heart and crying floods as she watches me move. She stays immobile, like she’s stuck on the grass unable to.
It hurts more than anything in the world but there’s something inside of me pushing in and keeping me calm. I can’t just sit and wait for the inevitable and then cry when it all goes how I expect it to. I need to take control and do what I always intended. I had a plan; I had a chosen path before I imprinted.
To leave Radstone and the Santos behind and make it on my own. If the fates wanted me to be mated and stay, they wouldn’t have made me his. They knew this would happen, they know everything and yet they chose to throw dynamite in the fishing pond and sat back as chaos ensued.
“Tell him I don’t want to see him for a few days if he asks. That I need headspace. That I don’t want to train. I will leave sometime within that, so you don’t know. Give me a couple of days after I don’t show for training before you tell him I am gone; I have to make sure my scent is faded before he finds out.”
I don’t want anyone tracking me and as our scent fades fast, I need at least twenty-four hours to get far away from here.
Of course, I am terrified; I mean over the last days I have become marginally better at turning at will, my fitness improving but I haven’t perfected anything, haven’t gotten to grips with my gifts or how to use them. I’m going out there with no experience or skills to keep me safe, but I have to. It’s safer than what I can feel is coming.
I grew up taking care of myself and knowing the basics to get by. My father taught me to camp, to hunt in human form and cook. He taught me how to make fires and fish; it was his favourite pastime. Going rural as a human and living on the land. I can’t have forgotten all of that.
Now I have the added bonus, I can turn I can hunt for food, eat as a wolf and nourish my body that way too. I can sleep anywhere I find shelter because we don’t feel the cold and just keep moving until I find somewhere to stop. I don’t mind being alone, I have felt that way for ten years, until Colton. I’m not afraid to be isolated from others and doing it by myself.
If I have to venture into the human world to get a job or somewhere to settle, then I’m sure it can’t be that hard. I’m hardly some vulnerable weak girl with no way to take care of herself. Even in human form I have my senses, my strength and speed and I have my inner wolf to protect me. I can heal when I get sick or injured. I just need to find my courage and go.
Time will do nothing in this situation anymore and as much as leaving him will kill me, it will also set me free. It will set us both so. Him to focus on his responsibility and lead his people and me, to hope that our bond will fade or die and that I may never forget him, but that I may learn how to live without him.
Despite what I said to Meadow about needing a couple of days, I don’t; I already made up my mind that I leave at dusk. I need to move before dark, as no one wants to be out there while our enemy can move around. I have a gap of time to run far and find shelter before the sun fully sets and I am done wasting time with this.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
