A/N- I have taken a little bit of a hiatus in writing The Depression Diaries. Sometimes, the writing process can be quite graphic and triggering for me to talk about publicly, but I'm determined to finish writing this memoir. Thank you again for stopping by!692Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hSHLQwinp
September 2018 couldn't come soon enough. I was about to take the next steps into starting a degree and having a new campus to explore. When I enrolled a few days before with my Mum, the number of students turning up with their parents and their cars packed full of pillows and food surprised me. I knew that the halls on campus were popular choices for first years to live in. I didn't quite have the right ID to enrol, but once all of the admin was taken care of, I could finally start.692Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XLgXgy50m
Except two major problems hit me in my first week of classes. The first was being contacted randomly out of the blue to be told that my timetable wouldn't work. There was going to be at least two lesson clashes. For someone like me who doesn't like their timetables to be messed up at start date, I was freaking out big time. Dropping a class was hard, as I really wanted to do that particular one. But it had to be cut. Getting used to class room numbers was also hard. I kept getting lost and felt too scared to tap anyone on the shoulder and ask where rooms were. I'm still getting lost now, months after enrolling.
The second was feeling really unwell with flu the night before day 1. And then on day 1, feeling even worse. I couldn't stop coughing, sneezing, tears running down my eyes. I was really really sick. Problem was, I couldn't miss my first day, otherwise I would already be behind with important details about how to hand in work and what the lessons would be about. I went but felt very scared. No wonder that most of the students/teachers didn't want to talk to me. Because of this, I had no way of making friends and that has pretty much stuck with me the whole time I've been a student there.
I lasted half the day, before deciding that it was all too much. I had to go home. Luckily, I was able to catch a shuttle bus that my Uni operates and stops close to where I live. I got on it and the driver drove me back, worried that I was going down with a very bad fever. On arrival, I dived back into bed for the rest of the day. No more showing my face around campus. The good news is that I didn't have to go back for the rest of that week, so I spent most of the time resting and seeing my boyfriend. The weather was quite mild for September and as a warm weather butterfly, I was thrilled to get some warmth into my bones.
Social interactions have proved to be my biggest downfall. The minute I was well enough to start classes again, everyone had already made friends with each other and were planning days out into the city or going clubbing. I was so far behind and it was about to get worse. I tried hanging out with a group of students in one of my classes but a few weeks later, they blocked out my attempts to spend time with them and sure enough, I was all alone.
After the first month, I was totally convinced that students didn't like my kind around Uni. I mean, I'm hardworking, quiet but creative and tries to get the job done. I never drink booze or smoke, I don't like going out at night because I'm scared of the dark. So since then, talking to others has been pretty useless. The class pacing also started to get faster, much too fast for me to handle. Most of the aftermath of lectures I went to, I was so confused about what had just been discussed and my passion started to fall down the drain.
I love writing, it is a vital part of my life for personal reasons. I had speech therapy when I was younger since I wouldn't talk. Honestly, I really don't like talking at my Uni campus. I can never relate to current topics such as 'this fight happened in our flat' or 'did you see the latest episode of this?' I'm like nope, nope, nope. This is far too uncomfortable for me to get involved with.
Recently, I felt like I was a fraud for going to University. I don't think some people care about or want to help students in need. The minute I started to struggle with my pre-Uni course, they stopped caring. Now at Uni, the same thing was slowly starting to play out. I wish I can get the top grades, I wish that I did get the chance to apply for awards and scholarships, I wish that I got invited to gifted and talented events. I don't want past labels ruining my life. But now, I'm fighting a losing battle.
I shouldn't be a student anymore, I should never have considered doing a degree. I should never return back to education, as I know that my heart will be broken every single time. Everything I do, will never be good enough in anyone's eyes. I'm positively broken, all avenues explored and ended abruptly. Since taking a break from writing this book, I decided to take a break from Uni. It was killing me mentally and physically. It wasn't fair being made to start a new term, new timetable and being tested for autism at the same time. Speaking up about this move was hard, but it had to be done. I've been driven away from my future.
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