Imagine the stage in a big high school assembly hall, there's a microphone stand right in the middle and a spotlight shining directly on it. After a while, a short and scared girl walks out from the wings and stands directly into the light. There's a slight pause, a nervous trembling from her hands before she finally speaks.
"Hi, my name is Alice and I have depression."
She's only five foot three inches tall, her uniform neat and not messed around with. Hair dangling down to cover up part of her acne stained face that she tried so hard to hide under a thick coat of make-up. She's fifteen years old, newly used to glasses and wearing braces to try and correct her mouth. The last baby tooth to fall happened just over a year before the depression kicked in.
This girl is me. Who I am. Just a high school student, who tried to make her presence known but in reality, most never batted an eyelid to. I went to the local high school near to my house, a roman catholic high school to be precise. I am a Christian but from the Church of England background and so, had to adjust a little to the religious beliefs that I had known in primary school days. Starting at a big school was hard, being the only girl and knowing only two other people. Everyone claims that they struggled deeply in the first year. I used to see big groups of students around at lunchtimes, all having fun, while I sat away out of sight and quite frankly, trying hard not to be a target for the others.
I've always been quiet and shy, maybe that's my biggest downfall. I could never see myself standing up in front of hundreds of kids and try to act, sing, dance or be a talented sportsperson. My comforts were in the world of books and watching football, mainly with my best friend who I stayed close to in my first year. Losing this best friend to cancer shortly afterwards was one of the hardest and traumatic things that I've ever been through.
From that moment on, I started to learn the feelings of being made to feel truly unwanted. Lots of people, close and some not-so-close really didn't realize just how unhappy I was, having my best friend taken away from me so quickly and painfully. My heart has never recovered from that year. As I got older, more things changed. I realized that the second you never follow a popular trend, you get laughed at, stamped on, made to feel stupid. I was never a fan of social media, since my parents hated all of the popular apps like Twitter and Facebook.
In the autumn term of 2012, I had just started my first year of GCSEs when one moment changed everything. I was in a Maths class, about to sit one of those termly tests to see what standard our work was at. I knew most of the content, knew who was going to be in the room with me. But something didn't feel quite right. I was shivering, even though the palms of my hands were sweaty and wet. My eye started to twitch on and off, making my overall vision quite blurry. I simply had no idea what was going on and had to excuse myself to go to the loo in the room next door.
I sat there and tried to do the 'count up to ten in your head' method but that wasn't working. I could hear the voice of my teacher through the wall telling a couple of the kids to be quiet. I was fourteen years old at the time and was being so paranoid. I was wasting so much time but I struggled to get myself moving quickly again. Why was all this happening to me?
I don't remember much else about that day, only telling my Mum later on and she thought that the kids in the room had distracted me too much. But I remembered no such distractions as I was sitting there. The same thing would happen again a few days later but this time, it was on a weekend and in front of my family. I was simply flicking through one of my new school textbooks and the same sweaty hands and messy vision came up again. I ended up dropping the textbook onto my floor with a thump and having to bury my head into the pillow until the feelings passed.
I was far too scared to go to a doctor, the support staff at my school knew me very well for other reasons, but after a while, they started to suspect that I was having these panic attacks on purpose to get attention. That attitude is sadly very common in today's world and it hurt me to think there was a lack of understanding towards my situation. I wanted to try and get somewhere with school life and personal life but feeling bogged down and suffering from raging nightmares about people throwing chairs at me, telling me to 'go and die in hell bitch' still creep me out to this day.
Leaving high school was such a good feeling. Although I did have the choice to stay on and do A-Levels, my mind was already made up. I just didn't feel welcome there anymore. But my after school life wasn't any better, as this book will open up more about. For a few years now, I've truly struggled with fitting in, making new relationships both on a personal and professional level and getting my voice heard. I'm now twenty years old and my mental health hasn't really settled down much. I get the shivers, the doubts, the dreams that wake me up at the strangest times and moments where I physically breakdown.
It's a shame that my depression wasn't looked into properly a lot sooner. I would have had more confidence to do life things such as travel and getting a part-time job. Those are just little goals locked away in a tight box, to be opened at an unknown, later stage. If you do decide to continue on with me on this memoir traveling, then all I can say is thank you for giving me a chance. It means a lot to me.
I'm happy that sites like Penana do exist, to be able to upload works on a personal scale for the world to read. If you have depression too, just letting you know now that you are not alone. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch.
Thank you again for reading. Signing off as,
Alice x
ns 15.158.61.23da2
