Yes readers, I'm talking about one of life's biggest challenges and one of my personal headaches: Puberty. I wrote the word, I'm now feeling nervous and scared to carry on typing. The thing is, I have to keep sharing my story, I can't let something simple like this destroy my voice forever.
I've never looked my age growing up and that was the general outset. Even at primary school, a couple of girls in my class and the one down the hall started to wear a little hint of mascara to school. These girls were aged 10 or 11 years old and I was struggling with the sight of my horrid baby teeth. I knew thanks to my Mum sitting me down one day and telling me that teeth would leave and new ones follow, I wasn't going to look like a vampire forever.
It was my dentist who one day, shone a light into my mouth and told me that my teeth were all out of place. Braces were needed and needed quickly, to avoid any problems with eating in the future. I was nervous but understood that if I didn't go ahead with this step, my health could be put into serious doubt. I got braces at fourteen, first on the top and then five months later on the bottom of my mouth. It was to stay this way until just before I left high school and completing GCSEs.
It didn't stop the comments though, one kid had the nerve to call me 'A hideous wolf' even after my braces were put on. I was even told off for not knocking out on my own my last baby tooth and delaying the brace process. I don't see what good results that would bring, a sore gum to last for months on end.
My vision wasn't perfect either and I tried to stay away from glasses, as I knew that was another way of just getting bullied by others. When my vision at seventeen started to decline, I was made to feel that my vision would continue to worsen until I wore glasses. I now wear ones that are colourful and comfortable and generally have no issues with my vision. I'm wearing them right now, to keep my eyes strong as I lie back and type. The cinema is one of the main reasons for needing glasses. The lighting is so strong in a dark room that on coming out from the end of the film, my eyes used to sting for hours.
I was small, had virtually no upper chest in high school and struggled with face and body acne. One of the worst places was on the back of my neck, so when I tried to scrub at a spot with a tissue in the school loos, they would start to bleed and the stain forming onto my blouse. My Mum who did all of the washing was not best pleased whenever I came home with stains.
I was also late to starting my periods too. I had had the talk at school and gone away feeling sick with worry for my future, but when it did actually happen, I had to grow up very quickly. By this point, I was already looking at the world differently in times of having crushes on guys, and dreaming about various story-lines in my head. One of my favourite daydreams was walking into a dressing room in a random shop and coming out again looking taller, broader and being someone that everyone loved to talk to and spend time with.
In truth, my daydreams never really became reality. I was still so nervous and more focused on my grades rather than knowing who was the first girl in my year to get a bra or a boyfriend. The changing rooms... gosh, they were hell for me. In my final high school years, my confidence had all but vanished and I used to hide away from my class as they played sports outside, knowing that all eyes would fall upon quiet and petite me. Various injuries, including one to my right ankle sidelined me anyway so the library was more my home. I exercised with books, rather than with tennis rackets or cricket bats.
I knew that I would never pass off for an adult, no matter how hard I tried to dye my hair or stuff my bra. I wanted to attempt both of those things but was talked out of it by a friend at the time, who said that would look so fake and not me at all as a person. Being real, honest, reflective is the best thing a person can be. I'm not the most patient of people but as I grew a little bit taller and my upper chest a little bit bigger, I started to settle a little.
I would be un-honest if I said that I was happy with my body now. But I've learnt that lots of people aren't happy with the way they look. I still say to my friends, family and boyfriend that I hate the way I look and I want to try and do something extreme to make me feel better. That isn't the answer though, it's going to hide some of my imperfections but create new ones. Like a disguise, I could just fade away... into the background. Well, if I ever dyed my hair blue or purple, I'm going to be found pretty quickly.
I'm still learning, I'm slowly learning to accept me and everything I am and everything I want to be. There still are moments of standing and looking at my reflection, those countless questions racing back and forth. Wondering if the day will ever come where I finally release a smile and say back to myself that I'm happy with how I look. I have a feeling that day will exist at some stage of my life. As to a date, that is still unknown.
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