In the Autumn of 2015, I was a lonely seventeen year old girl looking for a new challenge. I was shocked to learn that I won an award for my achievement in Computing at my old high school and so, that gave me some belief that maybe this was the right route to go. On enrolling, I was met by the majority of fellow coursemates and they were mainly boys.
In high school, I had experienced some sexist remarks towards wanting to go into a technical industry. Inside me, there was no passion for performing arts or anything to do with sports or science. This BTEC seemed to offer lots of units and I was all up for it. Right from the get go, I struggled. Right at the start of the course, I went through a breakdown of a relationship, followed by the start of some cruel teasing from other BTEC students. Around the time of my Dad's birthday that Autumn, I met a guy who seemed to be like me. We met through mutual friends and learnt that we did share some things in common. Neither of us really wanted to follow the crowd. I liked music a lot, rock, EDM etc. Most of my coursemates would put on Drake or Jay-Z for example and that at times, I could deal with.
Love is such a mysterious and cruel little game. Before long, we started seeing each other and was actually slowly getting over a stupid fear of mine that I've had for years. Sitting in the dark cinema. I saw two films within in a few weeks of each other: Spectre and Star Wars. Both films were great, even though walking out into the bright corridor afterwards hurt my eyes a great deal.
It was clear that having to do this BTEC, as well as re-sitting GCSE Maths was going to be tiring. Before long, I started to feel a little drained. It didn't help that a few students started to get jealous towards me and my new boyfriend. Rumours started to spread and mean comments were posted online about my appearance. I was horrified and on learning about the truth of the bullying, I broke down in front of my family. This was when my Trich really started to play up, as that was what they were bullying me about.
I never opened up to anyone at college about my Trich. There were loads of students that I simply didn't want to mix with. Before long, I became very self-conscious and withdrawn. I also entered into a dislike for one of my teachers, who used to pick on me to answer questions that I really couldn't answer. The tides were starting to turn again.
After the shit-show that was NCS and being bullied off of it, I realised that college was starting to turn into a nasty place to be a student at. I used to try and help out at campus events, in a bid to wear a smile and help others out. Deep down inside, I was mentally broken. My coursework started to slip and before long, I had fallen quite far behind and my Mum was called into college.
I remember the meeting so well. It was really tough to remember the happiness from two years ago on leaving high school, to now being told that I wasn't wanted. Being made to feel like a troublemaker is something I'll never forget. It was just a little catalyst into what made me feel that I was autistic. That's a stigma that annoys me a lot. Not everyone who is autistic is violent. I'm a very quiet person, who acts like she doesn't exist. Still, that day was so rough and I knew that going onto the second year of my BTEC was not an option.
Of course, my family were very disappointed that I wasn't moving on. In my mind, I just felt that my presence caused problems and anger, rather than joy and fun. No-one wanted the broken, lonely girl in their class, no-one wanted the broken, lonely girl to work together on group projects with them. I had nightmares about this course and the other students for weeks after I left.
I'm still Facebook friends with a select group that I started to hang around with, but honestly, it was the right thing to cut off most of the students. I used to wonder after I left whether they were still spreading rumours about me. Nine times out of ten, I was sure that they were. My family wanted me to give college another go and so, I raced my way through the college course guide to see if anything caught my eye.
I thought about business and marketing but they wouldn't accept my current GCSE grade at the time. Then, I turned to Media but saw that there were lots of other out of college events I would have to travel to. I wasn't comfortable travelling and staying overnight anywhere with people that weren't my family. Photography was again a no-go, I couldn't afford the right equipment. There was always a wall in the way of moving forward.
Deep down, I really didn't want to go back. But at the same time, I really couldn't let members of my family or my friends down. I had to do something. Something that I had done a little of before and could do well on my own. I spotted a course, applied, got an interview and was given a place to start after the summer break. I was going back to study but this time, I was now an adult and not a child. Eighteen and not seventeen. Mentally weak, very much scared of what was about to happen. Sure enough, my gut instincts of being a failure proved to be true.
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