My third year at college soon turned into another spell of tears, mentally drained body and mind coming home from classes nearly everyday and feeling at the lowest of lows. It was obvious that my heart was not set on continuing to be student there for the time being but I had no back-up. After a month of being on the course, I was asked to travel in for a meeting alone and was then told to leave. This was truly the final nail in the coffin for the year of 2016. The bus ride home, texting my family tearful that I wasn't wanted ruined everything.
It was hard, I spent many hours alone during the course of eleven months away from the classroom. Most of my old high school friends were either travelling the world or studying away at University, going out clubbing on the weekends or on class trips. I never really spent much time outside. It was winter 2016 by this point and I spent many hours alone on Spotify or Twitter. That was my means of connecting with the outside world.
Sitting in the family dining room, sometimes with my cat close by, I would go on the computer and create new music playlists to suit my moods. Every Friday morning bought some fun, in the form of new releases added to charts I followed and finding some new favourites. It was during this time that I fell in love with singers such as Charlie Puth. One of his songs called We Don't Talk Anymore I could relate to on so many levels. I stopped talking to lots of people that year, both from my past and present day as an ex-student. Knowing that most of my former Computing classmates had gone onto the second year of the BTEC, I used to see uploads of them in class mucking around that were posted online.
In the few weeks after I left college, I was invited to go to a graveyard where my Dad volunteered at to work in the gift shop. I wouldn't be alone, I could always travel with my Dad and get full training. I agreed, since they were really short-staffed and I wanted to do my bit for them. Every Friday morning, for about a month, I would travel with my parents into the city. Mum would park the car at a park and ride and catch a bus to work. Dad and I would then walk to the graveyard which took around half an hour. My roles were fairly simple, open up the gift shop, price new stock, operate the till and always rotate the classical CDs playing in the CD Player. At first, I really enjoyed the new settings but after I was asked to start serving alcohol, I wasn't so sure.
December 2016 was a month where I let my parents know that I was grateful for the chance but that, I didn't want to continue there and have to work on days when my Dad wasn't going to be around. Around this time, I decided that enough was enough. My old college were refusing to help me and so, I referred myself to a youth social worker. I met with her in a cafe and explained my situation. I was unemployed, depressed, anxious but mentioned that I loved photography. Within 24 hours, she called me back. A photography course had come up and with free food and all travel costs catered for, I couldn't say no.
I met a group of other young people, some had had various brushings with the law. Others were like me, leaving education and feeling really lost with what the world had to bring. I did enjoy my photography course and where my Mum worked to where the course was happening was a twenty-five minute walk away. I worked hard, went on various photo shoots and had one of my photos displayed in public in a cafe. Over that short period of time, I learnt that photography could really change things for me. I'm still interested in it now, but as I've changed as a person, it's more of an interest than a passion.
The new year bought more changes, another failed relationship, finishing off my course and working in a charity shop, handing all of the book donations and customer service. Again, I connected with the community and learnt lots of handy skills in the process. One of my close friends also worked in the same shop as me and so, we used to work together sometimes.
College still remained in the back of mind. Me being determined and over-ambitious, I really wanted to give life as a University student a try. However, I wasn't at the right level to start a degree and so, if I wanted to get to that step, I would have to go back. I applied and soon, was offered an interview and test for a pre-university course back at my old college.
Going back was a big risk. For starters, there were still students studying there that I didn't get on well with, the atmosphere was tense and I often felt physically sick walking along the corridors. But I had a dream, this one life dream that I really wanted to achieve.
Did my old college want me back? The answer was yes, I could come back but I couldn't afford to mess things up again. This was now or never kind of situation. I really wanted to make it work, make my family proud and my mind happy. That the impossible could be achieved and the future become more secure and complete. It wasn't going to be easy, but I had to try. After doing more courses that summer with media and writing, my love for learning had all but started to return back to me. I was ready to dive into the classroom once more.
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