I've mentioned it a lot already in this book, but it's killing me personally not knowing the full story. Autism doesn't run in my family, most of my old school friends don't have it. Yet, finding myself labelled so young in my childhood and having to carry that burden around with you is hard. Due to this, I've been too scared to travel and go for short breaks around England, look for a part-time job, avoid walking into certain shops so that you don't get picked on by a store employee and made to try a sample of something out.
It's hard when you put your clothes on for the day, trying to eat some breakfast and thoughts never seem to leave you. It's over my old records, the old books that used to contain target worksheets in. The worst is for primary school swimming. I was too uncomfortable and they never cared. When I was eight, I hated my body. I could never fit properly into a swimsuit. Had they cared, I probably would love swimming in local pools or at the beach now. But I don't. It's hard when the littlest of comments on the lines of 'You're not welcome' or 'You don't look strong enough to do it' linger in your brain. All because this label is shared around with other people.
Before you start the first day of a new class, you already get judged, even before you step into the classroom. After I learnt about my labelling, I've come to the conclusion that I was severely judged and made to feel like an enemy alien. I struggled to catch-up with work and classes, did people care? No, very unlikely. That is why my passion for learning has all but lost. Because of one label, that up until now, hasn't been proved, hasn't been set in stone. Yet, I've had to carry it around with me because of someone else's judgement. All the hurt, pain, torture has finally reached boiling point.
I'm nearly twenty-one, I don't feel like a normal adult anymore. I can't live the way I want to, I can't go and do the things I want to. I can never talk to others my own age in person, I am not welcome in their friendship groups, even if we have lots of common. Instead, time and time again, I'm pushed to the side and left to rot into some form of obscurity.
That's why I need answers. I need them now and I need them fast. My life depends on this test. Whatever happens, I'm going to have to pick up the already shattered pieces and come to terms with the result. It's going to be rough but I have to do it. I've been made to do it. I have no other choice. It has to go ahead.
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