My brushings with the nasty, scary people, animals and worlds happened long before I started high school. As a baby, I did do the typical things like wetting myself in the night or needing a feed. But as time went on, I soon learnt that sleeping and I were not going to be a happy marriage. My parents like to sleep at night with the lights off and soon, I was encouraged to do the same. My bedroom was a tiny, cramped room at the back of the house and decorated with Disney princess dolls and stickers on the door.
Each night, I would get a kiss and told to sleep tight and watch out for bedbugs. I had my teddy bears nearby but that wouldn't stop the disturbed dreams I used to experience. Some strange and some very bloody and gory, which for a seven year old, isn't the best thing to go through. One of the worst dreams was demons showing up at my house and taking my parents away, before setting the entire place on fire and leaving me to die within the burning flames. I woke up in tears and sobbed for hours after that.
When I started high school, I still slept with the lights mainly off and had some sort of a tiny nightlight that was plugged into a socket neatly. It still didn't help the feelings of being left tired, moody and broken-hearted by these crazy people and worlds that simply didn't exist. The decision was made, I had to have all of the lights on at night. No ifs, ands or buts about it. My family weren't keen on the idea but agreed to it, as long as I kept using energy saving bulbs.
As an adult now, I'm not ashamed to say that I still do sleep with all of the lights on. Sometimes when I'm feeling very rough indeed, I have my laptop or TV on but just at a low volume or using the mute button to not wake the parents up. During the winter nights, waking up to some sort of bright light in the morning helps me feel a little more alert and unafraid. But in recent months, I have battled on and off with insomnia.
Like the famous song by Faithless, insomnia is the constant battle against the action of sleeping and being awake. Maybe that's what I had as a child but to this day, I've never fully known what I did have. My skin was so pale as a child, my eyes black and full of some strange sleepy dust. The black meaning dark circles under my eyes, which some kids started to stare and comment at. I'm used to them now but back in those days, I had to turn to make-up again to hide it all.
Kept close with me at nights are a collection of my favourite things to cuddle. I have a little anxiety sheep called Ba-Ba, which I bought on holiday a few years ago and have always kept a strong hold of at night. Two dogs named after two of my older cousins and finally, a recent addition to the collection in the form of a giant unicorn. As a child, I did have my good dreams like travelling into space with one of my teddies and seeing the Earth from a new perspective. The overall result was not very positive however and I try super hard not to dwell too much on the bad nights and the constant waking my parents up in massive fears.
Only yesterday, we were talking about my bad experiences sleeping and a china cat figure was mentioned. Before my parents had their bedroom redecorated, it used to sit on top of an old shelf and stare down towards my sleeping parents. Whenever I wanted to come in and snuggle up next to them, I ended up sleeping on the side where the spooky china cat was. That in fact gave me more nightmares rather than being a guiding aid to my struggles. We still have it but it's very much tucked away in dust and I prefer it that way. Sorry cat!
Lots of us struggle with sleeping and there have been numerous online posts and tests done to see if using our devices before we go to sleep is a reason. Personally, I like to watch YouTube now before falling asleep since it relaxes me a little. I subscribe to lots of channels, mainly bookish related but some that involve cooking. Dreaming of cakes and never-ending books with tea is honestly such a dream come true. But I don't see any issue with it, as long as there is a tracking time option. Creating a limit could be helpful. I've never been one to pull an all-nighter but lots of close people I know have.
Yes, I know that my body needs down-time but it's how much and how balanced it is that bothers me. For sure, my sleeping will still crop up to be a problem from time to time. There will be nights in which I will have nightmares and wake up lost and moody. There's also the good kinds of nights in which I have no dreams and wake up feeling refreshed. Having some noise in the background at night helps to block out the outside world. My radio is a great tool, put on a show that is on its fifth repeat and fall asleep, knowing that rest has finally graced its presence. What a delight!
Moral of the story: Work out how much sleep your mind and body needs and aim for some solid rest. Your bedroom is your castle and I've learnt that a lot of clutter all over the floor certainly doesn't help with the good dreams. Tidy, have the heating on/off depending on the time of year. If it's possible, open your window a little for some fresh air? I like to wake up and stick my nose out of my bedroom window to some much-needed fresh air in the mornings, even if my day isn't so hectic.
I'm not one to keep a sleeping diary, I had to one year for high school and that in itself got too repetitive as I kept writing about the same emotions and dreams I was experiencing. Keep your comforts close and have sweet dreams.
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