Chapter 23 (My Hail Mary)
I had left the tele on so we could listen to the caroller’s. Ben lit a fire. We sat on the sofa.
“I must say, this cottage is stunning.”
“Thank you. I do love it. No heavy duty stuff today, even I give myself a break on Christmas. So Ben, who has no lastname. Worst date?”
Ben smiled. “Too easy, I was seventeen. I borrowed my dad’s car. And it ended up in the canal. I forgot to pull the hand break up. Your turn.”
“Hmm, tough one. My late husband and I didn’t go on dates per se’. I don’t think he understood the concept of courting. So worst date? Um. Damn that’s a difficult one. Ah I have one. We decided to climbed the mountain. I think we were between the ages of thirteen and seventeen. He told me, we would have a perfect view of the river. Half way up, I got stuck. And he was gone. The man could climb and run like you won’t believe me. I hung on the side of the mountain until my fingers went numb and I fell and broke my arm.”
“You win this round hands down. All right, most memorable date?”
“Oh Ben, that one is easy, lying on our back eating sugar cane and looking up at the clouds and trying to make images out of them, we would have a contest as to whom could see the most. I won.”
Ben was thinking. “Most memorable. Hmm. Tough one. Mary-Anne. I think I was twenty. She rented a boat, and we went down river. Nichole have you been out to the countryside? It will astound your mind.”
“No, I have to admit I haven’t been anywhere. Not really. Here and there and that’s about it.”
“Then it’s my civil duty to take you. Right we are on track. It’s a tie. Worst personal experience?”
“Turkey, that was his name, I named him. I have mad naming skills. It was a dark night, no moon. No stars. I didn’t have the word, overcast in my vocabulary yet. I needed a number two. Armed with my candle, I stepped outside. I looked both ways, before I crossed the path that led to the outhouse. Turkey wasn’t insight. I took another step. Almost there, and the next moment two eyes glowed in the dark, it was a dash to safety. He won.”
Ben slapped his knee, the tears pooled over as he laughed. “That was brave. I take a bow. What happened to said Turkey?”
“He got the axe, I shall never eat a turkey as long as I live, my nemeses made life worth living.”
“Shite, my stories pale in comparison. I got this. Hmm.” Ben was tapping into his brain I could hear it whirl. I stifled a smile. The concentration on his face was comical.
“The day I joined the Academy. No shite, your stories are by far better than mine, I want to impress you with the countryside and I think you have seen splendour that is only depicted in paintings. As I was saying, I expected the first day to be total bust. I made a friend, we work together now. My first Caucasian friend. My only Caucasian friend until now.”
“I think we need to drink to that. Would you fancy a cup of tea?” Ben washed the dishes while I made the tea. I looked at the ginger bread men. “I can’t eat these, I shall feel like a murderer.”
Ben peeked over my shoulder. “Hmm, I might have to arrest you.” I smiled. What a foreign concept it had become. I couldn’t help myself. Ben was so at ease in my home.
Do you believe in Angels? I do. When I reflect upon how Emily, Gwendoline and Ben had entered my life. I came to the conclusion that Angels aren’t only Celestial Beings, no they walk amongst us when we are in despair, when life is so dark, one cannot see a light. Indeed, I do believe in Angels.
Emily rang on New Year’s Eve. She sounded relaxed. They had extended their holiday until we opened for business. Ben was on call, so he spent a lot of time with me. we were basically snowed in for a week. I shall add, we never had a romantic liaison. To his dismay
I was done. I couldn’t give myself nor my heart to anyone. I haven’t, and I honestly don’t think I shall.
Ben was a constant I needed. I had made it abundantly clear from the onset that we were friends. I couldn’t be more to him.
He took it in his stride for a while, I have to give him that.
He made an effort to change my mind. He would turn up at the office with lunch for me. Never flowers bless his heart.
His cruiser was parked outside my cottage so often. I didn’t see nor did I hear from Leo nor Harry.
I think we had been friends for just over six months when he purged. We were sitting on his very comfortable couch watching a movie.
“Nichole, I know what you said. I cannot bite my tongue any longer. We know the best and the worst about each other. I am not Leo nor Harry. Can’t you see that?”
I looked at him, he is a very attractive man. I am not blind.
“I do see. We have spent a lot of time together. I can’t. I shall not destroy your life.”
Ben scolded. “Destroy my life? You are the best thing in my life. Give me a month. If I let you down in any way, we shall call it quits. I need to have you in my life, no don’t run out the door. No intimacy. I need to hold you, kiss you. Hold your hand, embrace you. I need you.”
“Ben, I can’t.” Ben sat up. I could see him inhale and held his breath.
“I am not like them.”
“Ben, listen to me. I can’t. Not because I don’t want to. I can’t get close to you in that way. If you kissed me, there would be no going back. I can’t be intimate. It will kill me.”
He turned to look at me. “You can’t because of a health problem? So this isn’t a rejection?”
“No, it’s not a rejection. I think I have had a dozen cold showers to try and wash you out of my hair. It hasn’t been easy Ben. I am still alive. God knows I didn’t think I was until I met you. I can’t. If you touched me, my resolve will crumble. So I am asking you, don’t. Please don’t.”
Ben looked at me. “I can’t make that promise, now that I know you do have feelings for me. tell me Nichole what do you feel for me? I need to know.”
I got up to leave. He took my hand and gently pulled me back, I ended up sitting on his lap. Damn I despised him for doing that.
I inhaled his cologne. His legs were rock hard under my bottom. I could feel his heart race under my shoulder. I looked into his eyes. Ben bent his head to kiss me. I had to push him away. He held my hands to his face. “I won’t kiss you, tell me what’s in that ice cold heart of yours?’
“You are. I think you have been there since you nearly knocked me right off my feet, literally and figuratively.”
Ben shook his head. “Nah, say the words.” I got up. “No.”
I walked out the door and hailed a cab. Ben gently took my arm. I honestly wish he hadn’t. I meant it when I said no.
“Ben I need to go home.” He shook his head adamantly. “Ben, I really need to go. Let go of my arm please.” He shook his head. I know I was bloody hurting him; I am not dense. I wasn’t exactly walking on sunshine either.
He let me go when the cab stopped.
I rang Emily as soon as I arrived home. She was my pillar, my confessional there wasn’t one thing I couldn’t tell her. I still do. She is my rock. I don’t know what I would do without her. She can scold and rebuke, but she has a way of seeing only the good in people, and she has my best interests at heart. I trust her with my life.
“Ben wanted me to tell him that I loved him.”
“Do you love him Nichole?”
“I don’t know Em, I do know my life would be empty without him, he has filled it in ways I haven’t even dreamt of. I cannot do this to him Em. I have nothing to offer but doctor’s appointment and a hand job at best.”
Dear Emily, did she laugh. “Bloody hell Em. I am serious.” I sat waiting for my best friend in the entire world to catch her breath.
“Em I love you more than anything on Earth, but you can be a colossal bitch at times.”
“It takes one to know one sugar. Nichole, it’s not over. You need to speak to him, and you need to look within. Do you truthfully want to let go of Ben? Nah! He has the right to decide whether he can accept your illness and whether he is willing to go to doctors appointments with you. You cannot take is choices away from him.”
“Thanks’ Em you are a dear. No I am lying. I do not wish you a good evening, I hope you get zilch. Tonight not even a peck on the cheek, I hope you… have a cookie cramp.” I cut the call to the sound of Em’s laughter. She was right, bloody silly goose. I was taking his choices away. I had to.
Ben stopped by the office the following day. I need to add, he looked ill.
“Morning Gwendoline, may I borrow your mum for a sec?”
“Sure, take your time. Mum’s work is done before it even arrives. Yeah Em was hiding behind a folder giggling her ass off.
Ben held the door of the cruiser open for me. I shook my head. “Get in, I am not having this conversation with an audience.” I looked up and got into the cruiser.
I wasn’t sure where we were going. Ben was in uniform. The man plays dirty.
We stopped along the canal. It was drizzling.
“I had a bad night. Nichole. I can’t leave things unsaid. I love you. I know there are restrictions, we can find a way around those. Give me a month, that’s all I ask. Then I shall leave. If that’s your wish, I shall leave, put in for a transfer.”
“I don’t want you to leave. What shall I do without you?”
“Exactly, you do feel something for me Nichole. So will you try, I won’t move in, you don’t move in. But I need you to stay some nights.” I looked out over the water and at the droplets of rain on the windshield.
“I need to think on it, and I need to speak to my physician.”
I wish he didn’t look at me with so much hope in his eyes. I needed my physician to tell me again, that’s it is impossible for me to be intimate.
I made the appointment as soon as I sat at my desk. I could feel their eyes on me.
“Gwendoline, I need to leave earlier.”
“That’s fine mum. I do have ears.”
I told Em I would take a cab. I wanted to do this alone.
My doctor looked at me. He did his routine examination “Your blood pressure is very high, have you taken your medicine today?”
“Yeah, I did.” He frowned and injected me. “Lie down Nichole, now tell me what has you so upset?”
“I met someone. And he has asked for more. I have told him that it’s impossible. I need you to tell me once again, that it’s impossible.”
My doctor was a sweetheart. He sat behind his desk and folded his hands.
“There are many ways to skin a cat Nichole.” I almost cussed.
“Nah, not the answer I need doctor. Tell me it’s impossible.”
“It’s impossible for you to be intimate Nichole, it’s life threatening. I see you aren’t sleeping. Take this and that and come and see me in a forth night.”
I made tea when I arrived home. I heard the cruiser stop outside, I have become accustomed to the sound. Ben didn’t knock, he walked in and sat down at the table. I poured our tea and sat down. He tried to take my hand in his but I pulled away. Yeah I know I am a louse.
“What did the doctor say?”
I narrated word for word. “What about a second opinion?”
“Done that, three doctors and a surgeon have told me the same thing.”
Ben bit his lip. “There are other ways…”
I don’t know why his words angered me. I think it was my own frustration that got the better of me.
“When we met, I told you within the first week, that we shall be nothing more than friends, you had agreed to my terms, your words were. I am not looking for a serious relationship, so this arrangement suits me perfectly.”
“Nichole, I fell in love. Are you seriously pointing a finger at me because I love you?”
This time he got up and left. It’s strange what the mind can recall, what is imprinted for life. All of it, I don’t think we forget, we just place events in different boxes.
I missed Tiger. I went up to the big house and played with Arthur for an hour. He was running the show, and boy could he talk, at times more than I could listen, I adored him. He is such a good child. So much like Gwendoline. He has had a better upbringing. Than Gwendoline had, I thank God for that. Gwendoline arrived home.
“Hi mum, hey pumpkin. Mum are you unwell?”
“Nah, just in my head. Have a nice evening, I love you.”
“Mum, wait I need to have a word, can we speak in the cottage?”
Gwendoline followed me down the path.
I knew it was serious by the look in her eyes.
“Mum, I am so sorry, but Patrick has decided to emigrate. He owns land and businesses in New Zealand. He believes it will be better for Arthur to go to school there. He has sold my business, and this house. Mum, please don’t look so shocked. We have bought you an apartment, and Em has offered you a position in her new endeavour. I am sorry, it all happened over night.”
“When do you all leave?”
“In a week’s time mum.” I sat back, the dye was cast once more.
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