Chapter 2 (To you my heart I surrender)
Inkosi climbed through the window, he always smelt of homemade soap. He saved his hair off. I never asked him why? Around his wrists and ankles were deer skin, it suited him, I would admire him even more when he was shirtless, and dressed as an Impi, he even had a spear and a shield, dating back to one of the many wars that took place on these lands.
He held me, this time he embraced me. “Lie with me, my butt hurts.”
Inkosi shook his head. He picked me up, and placed me on the bed, we spoke in hushed tones, even though my bedroom was at the far end of the house.
“What did she say to you?” I looked up at his face. I had only lit one candle.
“She beat me, she wanted me to cry. My brother is home, so I am off the hook for a while.”
Liam is ten years younger than I, and she dotes on him, I love him, we can play together for hours. He is innocent, I can’t hate what has not harmed me.
I lay on Inkosi’s chest; his heart was beating a mile a minute.
“Take your shirt off, it’s hot in here.” He looked at me with those huge eyes.
“What? Since when did you become bashful?”
He frowned. “Shy?”
“I am not shy.” I had to smile, I unbuttoned his shirt, he was getting very uncomfortable. I think I was seventeen and Inkosi was twenty-one, way past the age for him to have been married, I know, and his parents know, it’s because of me.
When I was about eight, Inkosi invited me to his house. To show me his bunnies.
“Sawubona intombi.” His mother had greeted me, we weren’t strangers, I had never been to his house.
“Hello Mama, how are you today?” I could understand, but I couldn’t speak the language yet.
“Ngikhona, ngiyabonga.”
“I am happy you are well; I didn’t see you at the house today.”
Nandi pointed at her belly. “A baby, I didn’t even notice.”
Inkosi placed a baby bunny in my hands. Oh the bliss. Mama looked up, she spoke too fast for me to understand. Veronica was crossing the narrow road, and the look on her face, well I don’t think the devil has such fury.
Mama tried to protect me, but Veronica told her to butt out, or she would be out of a job. Veronica pulled me by my ear, all the way home.
“I think you need a haircut, you are wild, and you need to be tamed.”
She snipped both of my ears, it never healed, I still have Pixie ears thanks to her. The blood ran down my face, she had cut all my hair off, I looked like a boy. I had to hide the fact that she snipped my ears, she told everyone it was an accident. They all believed her.
“What are you thinking of?” I shook my head. “Nothing of importance.”
“Mama went to the Isangoma, he told her one day a man will come, he will set us free, he will rule the lands, all of the lands, our children will go to the same schools, we will eat in the same places. All the signs that say; White only. Will be taken down.”
“When will this happen?”
Inkosi wasn’t thinking of his freedom, he was thinking of hers. She suffered by far injustice than he ever had.
“Years, but it will happen, you will be married, and have your own children.”
“I don’t want fucking children, not by anyone but you.”
“Woza nami, I don’t want you to wake up the house.”
I took his hand, and climbed out of the window, I had placed pillows in my bed, unlocked the door, and blew out the candle, looking back at the house, it was dark.
We walked down to the river, the river sand is white. It’s absolutely beautiful, the moon was high and bright, so were the stars, you never need a candle on a night like this.
I knew I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say.
“Inkosi, we aren’t strangers, I leave, and I come back, you grew up, and became very handsome. I might add, I am going to finishing school, I know it. Veronica says I grew up too wild. So now that I have cleared up the fact that you and I aren’t strangers, will you tell me what is weighing so heavily on your heart?”
“Your parents are moving away, Veronica says, she doesn’t want Liam to grow up, wild like you. They have chosen a husband for you. When you come back from England, you are to marry him. He has lots of land and a big house.”
“You think I care about land and money? Do I look so fool hearted to you?”
“No, you don’t. Nichole, I will be married, if you ever come back here again.”
“I know that, I didn’t know they were moving, I guess it’s not really a surprise to me. My dad, I guess he is following his dream, as for Veronica, only the devil knows what she wants.”
“Don’t say that, I know…” I pulled his face so I could look into his eyes. “What? Spill it, what do you know?”
Inkosi took my face in his hands. “I know she makes you do things, that’s why I didn’t want to lie in your bed. I don’t want you to think I am like that. That I want to do that to you.”
“I think I have a right to voice my own opinion, and that’s bull shit.”
Inkosi smiled. “My floors are made up of bull shit.” He had a way of making me laugh when I felt at my worst. “I know, it’s so disgusting.”
We both laughed.
I leaned against his shoulder. “Do you remember the year the Piranha’s ate the cow?”
I shook my head no. “I heard about it, were you there, well here? I know you cross the river for the cattle to feed.”
“I was, I had such a shock, I was holding onto that branch, I was scared I will fall into the river and be eaten. I have never seen those red little devils since then.”
“I didn’t know it was you. Inkosi. I will come back. Please look at me. I will come back.”
“It doesn’t matter if you do, Nichole, I will be married.”
“It matters to me; do you love this girl?”
Inkosi shook his head, love was not yet a word he knew how to use it was a white-man’s word.
Love is what you show, how much cattle you can provide and corn. That was love.
I unbuttoned his shirt, he didn’t push my hands away. “You won’t answer me? Will you?”
“Well then I am going swimming.”
Inkosi looked up at me, I peeled my night-dress off, I stood there naked in the moonlight.
I know he tried not to look at me. I looked down at him. “I am going into that river, you can follow me, or you can sit right here.”
I stepped into the shallow end, not that a river really has a shallow end, I turned to look at him. Inkosi stood up, and undressed. I don’t know how long we stood like that. I have never seen a naked man, and from the look on his face, he had never seen a naked white female in his life.
He stepped into the river. He was so much taller than I. I embraced him. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged.
We have never kissed. I honestly don’t know why. Inkosi lowered his head. He touched his lips to mine. Then lifted his head up.
“Don’t make fun of me, but I have never kissed a girl.”
“Have you kissed a boy?”
“I told you not to make fun of me.”
“Inkosi, I have never kissed a boy, nor a girl, with the exception of Sheba, well she kissed me first. Let’s try it, practice makes perfect, right?”
I could see him swallow. He bent his head, our lips moved together, he tried to step away from me, but I held on, I needed more of what he was giving me. We got the hang of it, the second our tongues collided, I was gone. I felt like I was floating above the water. It was sensual, exhilarating and frightening. I yearned for more. We came up for air.
“Wow, that was amazing.” I looked up at his face, my breasts were pushed flat against his chest.
“We have to stop; I don’t think I know when to stop Nichole. If they ever found out, I don’t know what the white men will do to me.”
“I don’t want to stop. I want you to be my first. Do you honestly think I care about the rules? I love you. I love you just as you are, my friend, my hero, my reason for living. Don’t you know, how many times I tried to take my own life? I couldn’t bare the abuse. Inkosi. I need you to be my first.”
He shook his head no. I held on to him. We were both so innocent, I think that’s one of my most treasured memories. That innocence. I know now, that it doesn’t last, time will strip it away, like erosion. Time does that, it takes perfection and craps on it. I have tried, to hold on to these memories. I have to, or it might only have been a fleeting dream, a wish. I couldn’t write this down on a piece of paper, so I created a special place in my heart where I keep my memories. The fact is, no one can read your mind, so that night is tucked away safely. Just for me, when I feel like the walls are closing in.
“Kiss me Inkosi, that’s all I’ll ask for, for now. One day, it will not be enough. Not for you, and not for me. Hear me, I don’t need an Isangoma to tell me my future, I am looking up at my future. So stop being a prude, and kiss me.”
Inkosi bent his head, she tasted so familiar. Her lips were too soft, it was unthinkable to do this with his mouth, but it felt so good. Too good. He wasn’t sure when he should stop. He smiled.
Time, the only constant in life. My ticket was booked, I was to go and live with Aunt Mary in Rye, East Sussex. The houses were built side by side, I swear I could see Cavaliers riding down the cobbled street on horseback, it is a magical town, rich in history. But bloody hell is it cold.
I didn’t know my visit would span over two years. Aunt Mary was a sweetheart. I didn’t write home. There was only one person I wanted to hear from, and I couldn’t send him a letter.
The finishing school was Victorian, I didn’t go there to make friends, I never do, no matter where I go. My friends are, was Sheba and Inkosi.
When the weather was clear I would take long walks. My hair became darker in this weather, the sun was seldom out, and even then it was bitterly cold. I went to the market. The museums. I know my lineage. I know what blood runs through my veins. I am of two worlds, this one of ice, and the other of fire.
Aunt Mary, from my biological mother’s side, taught me how to cook, I have never used a gas stove before. I walked on the wrong side of the road, the people were kind, I haven’t been run over yet.
One long winters night, I sat by the fire doing needle work. Aunt Mary was a spinster. I guess that’s why it was so easy to ship me off.
“Nichole, I have never met a girl your age, that’s so quiet.”
“Aunt Mary, it’s not by choice, I was taught to be seen and not heard.”
She nodded. “Do you want to talk about it child?”
“Aunt Mary, I don’t think you would believe me, even if I told you, I mean no disrespect, you have been kind to me. In ways…” She took my hands in hers.
“I might not have been married, nevertheless I can see that you are troubled, I can hear it at night when you sleep. You fight whatever is haunting you. My sister and I parted ways, many years ago, before your birth. Your father wrote to me, and told me you were sickly. I prayed for you. I had hoped for many years that you would come, here, to me. I might add, I hope you would stay, however I can see, there is a pull, a longing in your eyes. I shall assume it’s a boy?”
“Yes, indeed it is a boy, more so a man. Aunty you know of Apartheid, you do understand the word? You would call it Segregation. I call it bull shit. The boy, is not white. I have been here a year, and I know he is married, I know when I go back, they have panned whom I shall marry. I have seen him once. And he is no man, he short, ugly and pudgy, this is what they have chosen for me.”
Aunt Mary, refilled my tea cup. “If you don’t want to marry him, then stay here, you don’t need to get married, study. Go and become anything you want to.”
I had been in Rye a year now. I decided to go home, something inside me beckoned to go home. I had my nineteenth birthday two day before a taxi dropped me at the front door. I looked around me, something wasn’t right, it was too quiet. I walked around the house, the patch of grass was overgrown, and my gran’s roses were all dead. Not one bud remained. I went in search of Inkosi.
My heart raced a mile a minute. Why has the farm been forsaken? Why can’t I see my dogs? I have twelve bloody dogs. I called out, all that answered me was silence. Deafening silence.
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