Chapter 3 (Compromise)
I walked up to Mama Nandi’s house. I was too quiet. Her father use to sit against the wall on a low bench and make toys for the children from old tin cans. I had one of those toys, a little car, made of tin and wire. It was my most loved toy; it might still be hidden on the top of my tall-boy.
I ran across the road, those days the road was seldom used, until a sugar cane factory was opened. Then the trucks could be heard, struggling up the winding road that led to the main road, which led to town.
I ran, I pulled off my shoes and I ran in my stockings. I ran around the corner which led down to the river and I collided with a back.
He looked down at me. Then he embraced me.
“You came? I didn’t think you would come.” I looked up at Inkosi.
“What happened to the farm?” He had a puzzled expression on his face.
“Umkhulu said he used the telephone, and he called you, six months back when it all happened.”
Mama Nandi took my hand; I was terrified at this point. “Inkosi, I didn’t receive a phone call from my grandfather.” I looked at Mama. “Please can one of you tell me what happened here?”
Mama made me sit on a low wall. I was looking around me. The tractors stood unused. I looked for the cats, we had a dozen or more, but I didn’t see one.
“Nichole, the coughing sickness came. It took my father and his father, most of the villages, they didn’t survive, I am so sorry, your grandmother, she didn’t…since then Umkhulu’s mind has not been right, when I heard you were coming, I thought you knew. I cleaned the house. We don’t have enough labourers, for now. It will be better by the end of the week. Master Harry, he bought the farm, it will be better…”
I looked up at Inkosi. Then I ran back into the house.
“Grandad, where are you?”
“Aw Nichole make me a cup of tea.” I stood there for a brief second, or longer. All his bags were packed. Mama beckoned me to go to the kitchen.
“Where is he going? I just arrived.”
“Your uncle is fetching him, Master Harry, will be here at tea time.”
I made the tea, my grandad would pour the tea into the saucer and drink the tea like that. It always amazed me, how he did it without spilling a drop.
I waited for an explanation, but none was forthcoming. My uncle arrived. He tipped his hat at me, and like that I stood alone in the enormous house, well kind of Mama Nandi was preparing for tea.
Harry arrived. I thought he looked like a bloated frog.
He placed his hat on the hat stand, the perspiration was running down his face, sweat marks could be seen under his armpits, he smelt revolting.
He ate while he spoke, or spoke while he ate, I couldn’t tell the difference, I sipped my tea. I don’t know if I was listening to him at all. “So upon prior arrangement, your grandfather and I had agreed that, once you return, I would buy the farm as your wedding gift. My labourer’s shall start at once, this place is not fit for a lady, neither for a man of stature.”
He laughed and the crumbs and spittle hit my face. I didn’t see the jest; in what he had said.
“We shall be wed, in the little church in which you were Christened. By the end of the week. These arrangements have been made months in advance. You sure took your bloody time coming home.”
He patted my hand and laughed again. I wiped my face.
“Your Aunt was a dear to call, long distance, I happily paid for the call, she told me you were unhappy, and un-acclimatized to the weather, and that you departed in haste, when you hear of our upcoming union.”
I knew that was an utter lie. My last words to my Aunt were, I needed to come home, so I could decide what I wanted to do with my future. Little did I know that arrangements were made, that would lead me down a path so horrifying, it made Veronica look like a Saint.
When Harry finally left, after consuming all that was set on the table, I went and bathed.
I pulled on a pair of shorts, my legs were lily white. I unpacked, and walked around the house. I stopped dead, at my feet lay a Black Mamba. I couldn’t tell where it’s head started, or where it’s head ended. If you think six feet was long, then I can assure you, this wasn’t the longest snake I have ever encountered, one was so long, it stretched across a two lane road, the head and tail was not visible.
The think with a Black Mamba is, don’t run, they are predators, they will follow. Inkosi looked at me from a distance, he was busy in the kraal. I think the expression on my face spoke volumes. He ran, and reappeared with an assegai.
“Nichole, when I say run, get inside the house and close the door.”
“But…” Inkosi shook his head adamantly. “Listen to me, run, when I say so.”
I looked down at my sandaled feet, and the thick black ‘line’ that separated us. I looked up into his eyes. “Run!” I ran, and slammed the door shut.
I don’t know how he killed that snake, I didn’t want to know. I walked around the house, I missed my gran. I sat on her bed and I cried. This time, I really allowed the pain to flow out of me. There wasn’t anyone to laugh at me, no one to find the jest in my loss, and my pain.
I cooked, I ate very little. The house was clean, too clean. I lit a few candles had another bath, and washed out my clothes. Mama Nandi wasn’t my slave.
You know in your darkest hour; the worst memories seem to surface. I was thinking back to how Gran could cook, family would come from miles away, and stay over. One New Year’s eve, I think I might have been ten. The house was full of people. I went to bed early. However, that night I woke up startled, a distant ‘uncle’ had his tongue inside me. I know now he was very drunk, that’s no excuse for what he did. He made me look at him as he pulled down his pants, he made me. He said he would hit me if I didn’t look. Yet again, I couldn’t tell a soul, I don’t know when he left, I hated him, and the feeling he had left inside me.
For years I have tried to forget, some memories are too real, too vile to accept.
Inkosi jumped through the window, I screamed. He embraced me.
“Hush, I am so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
I shook my head against his chest. “Bad memories, it wasn’t you. Oh I have missed you so much. I wanted to write to you a dozen times, I did so in my head. Inkosi, just hold me and never let go. Home isn’t four walls and a roof, it’s here, in your arms, listening to your heart beat.”
I didn’t ask him if he was married. All was forgotten in an instant, he lowered his head and he kissed me. I don’t recall how we ended up in my bed. The details aren’t important. He entered me, it hurt. I tried not to cry, I didn’t want to cry, in my past, and in time to come, my tears were a source of ridicule, I still don’t cry. If I do, I do it alone.
“I am hurting you.” I shook my head no.
“No, no please, I beg of you, don’t stop.” We got it right after a few tries. I was his first, he told me years later.
I held on to him, he was hard to the touch, all of him, felt like marble under my hands. His back, his abdomen. He truly was worthy of his name.
He lay on top of me, he had waited for me, I felt this feeling build up, and it became stronger, the spasms that rocked my body brought him to his climax. I didn’t know then, that it hurt him, as much as it hurt me. Ladies do not speak of such things, then I am no lady, am I? I am the rebellious wild child that fell in love with the wrong man.
“Don’t leave. I am afraid to be alone in the big house. Tell me where are my cats and Shaka?”
“After, the coughing sickness, not many of my people survived. And no one set fire to the fields for harvest, the big snakes came one night, it ate everything, I looked for them, we killed them, but I think Shaka ran away, he loved you, only you as I do. Without you, the sun no longer shone, the river stopped flowing, the nights were long and moonless, desolated and empty. Today my heart is full, so full I think it will burst.”
Inkosi was referring to Consumption, and the Anaconda’s. When you went close to the waterfall, you could hear them hissing. I have never seen one, these lands, was alive, with the most frightening creatures created by God’s Hand.
The rooster woke me, just before dawn. Inkosi wasn’t in my bed. I looked at my sheets, and jumped out of my bed. I scrubbed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I struggled getting my mattress clean. I didn’t hear Mama Nandi behind me. I jumped as she took my hand.
“Let me do it, you are a woman today, and my child. It is my honour to do this, no one will know. You never have to fear me, umfazi, I loved you when you could fit in my two hands, and I love you even more this day, go. It will be as new.”
Harry, rather Sir Harry arrived with a truck load of labourers. He was an aristocrat, and he made darn sure we all knew it, I waited on him hand and foot, I was nothing more than I glorified maid. I didn’t want to marry him , I had no choice, did I? I would lose my home, and Inkosi. Here at least I knew he was within my reach.
I cannot look back now. I wish I could, not to the bad, but to my freedom, it was not forthcoming.
Inkosi did not come to my bed again, he was sent off to the furthest part of the farm to work, he was the most experienced. I know I thought Harry knew, but that was my own fear messing with my mind. Harry kept me on my toes. I was scared of him. I phoned my father, but he wouldn’t attend the wedding. As to this day, I don’t know why. I didn’t ask to speak to Veronica, only Liam.
We were married in the little church that stood in the town. I think I was the glummest bride in all existence. Photos were taken but I couldn’t smile with a noose around my neck.
When we returned home, Harry had another drink. I do not like drunk people, I was hoping he would fall off to sleep, I took my time bathing and washing my hair. When I entered my bedroom he wasn’t there, he had taken my gran’s bedroom as ours, because it was the biggest.
“Come here, wife.” He slurred at me. I went over to him. The windows faced toward the rose garden, not as mine did toward the blue mountains. Harry pulled me closer, he had not bathed.
I wanted to puke, really, I was ill too my stomach.
“Suck my cock?” I have never heard those words before, I didn’t understand what it meant. He pulled my head down, now I knew I was going to be ill. He was a dirty man. He shoved himself into my mouth and I gagged, he held fast until he was spent, I ran to the window and I puked.
He was passed out, I went to the bath room and scrubbed my mouth out, and the rest of me. I felt dirty, violated. I went to my bedroom, but he called me.
I had to obey, the Bible says so. He wanted me to do that again, I couldn’t. Harry slapped me right off my feet, my head collided with the side of the dresser, I saw stars. Blood oozed from the gash on my head, he stood before me naked, rancid and sweating like a pig, He grabbed my head, and shoved his limp manhood into my mouth, I gagged, and he slapped me again, this time it was lights out for me.
In my dream, I saw Veronica, I know she had asked me a math question and I took too long to answer, she punched me, the blood ran from my nose, onto my white shirt, I asked her if I could go wash my face, but she said no, not until I answered her question. This wasn’t a dream; it was a memory. I tried to lift my head, but it felt too heavy for my shoulders.
I was lying in Mama Nandi’s bed.
“Don’t move, the doctor came last night and put stitches in, sleep, you are safe here.”
“Inkosi?”
I tried to open my eyes. “He won’t come, not now. His anger is a bad thing, he will come, but not now, rest. You need to rest.”
When I could stand, I was ordered to come home. This place that once was my solace became my prison. Harry raped me, that night. Yes, many would say as he did, it was impossible for a husband to rape his wife, I know now, when you say no, be you a man or a woman, that no is legal. I bled profusely, the blood ran down my legs, all he did was laugh at me. I didn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry. I became really ill after that, Harry sent me to town to see a doctor, tests were done.
The results, I had cancer. Untreatable cancer of the womb. I had a full hysterectomy, before I could have a baby. The abuse, that didn’t stop, now he knew I was damaged goods, and he raped me whenever the mood arose.
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