A difficult choice
I try to see the situation in different angles and even my arranged marriage seems to be a bad idea. On one hand, the woman who accepted the arranged marriage does not really know me. I do not want to waste her life and mine because of this marriage. I cannot carry the burden of making her suffer because I cannot make her happy. On the other hand, Divya knows me well but how did she ended up loving somebody like me? Furthermore, if I marry her, all my family will lose their pride because everything has been prepared for the arranged marriage. I do not know if my family might accept us. They had sent the invitations and the hall had been booked... My family is so happy because of this event. My parents struggled so much for my siblings and me. How can I hurt them after all the sacrifices they made for me? They spent a lot of money in this marriage. I told them that it would be better to do it simply but they wanted it to be grand and make it a memorable moment. I just could not refuse because it was really important for them. For my parents, this marriage is their last big responsibility towards me. My parents do not believe in love marriage. It was probably because they had an arranged marriage. If I marry Divya, they would no longer talk with me. I would have to live alone, isolated from my family. Another problem is my incapacity to determine if I love Divya. I never thought that she could love me. If I refuse Divya, I am afraid that she might take bad decisions and at the same time I fear that I might regret it all my life.
It is such a difficult decision to take. I usually struggle to make choices. However, in my past, I never tried to get advice from my friends or my family. I like to keep everything into me. I have always had difficulties to make choices. It started when I had to choose between engineering and writing. Then, it was when I had to choose between working abroad or in France. And now, I have that marriage issue. In the previous situations, I was able to choose rationally. The obstacle in this issue is that not only my emotions are involved, but other people's lives can also change. After deeply thinking for a long time, I am not able to make up my mind. I do not want to hurt anyone but at the same time, by making a choice, I am sure of breaking somebody's heart.
Now that I think with some hindsight, I lived my entire life with stress. At first, my parents raised me by explaining the importance of studies. I studied hard and had to face lots of hardships. After graduating, I thought that I would be free. However, a lot of responsibilities came in my life. I started to work. Working is also full of stress and deadlines to meet. Life is like a list of checkboxes. First, you need to study. Then, you have to get a well-paid job. After that comes the need to buy a car and a house. You have to marry a person with whom you are going to live the rest of your life. You have to make sure that the person is living happily with you. After that, you have to make sure that your children are well raised and that they also complete the same list of checkboxes. What kind of life is it? When I was born, that list of checkboxes was born with me. Until I die, I will have to follow all the options in this list. I am getting sick of this life and I am just twenty seven years old.
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