High school was slowly coming to an end and I was finally excited to leave. As a struggling fifteen year old, having trouble coming into all of her classes because of high anxiety, I really wanted to create a fresh path for my final years as a child before turning eighteen. In England, you do GCSEs and I was down to do more than 15 exams in my final weeks as a high school student. The amount of pressure that all of us were feeling went through the roof.
But it wasn't just the GCSEs that I had to deal with. There was a personal reason as to why my final year was one of the hardest. As mentioned before in an early chapter of The Depression Diaries, my best friend passed away in the summer before second year. I had never really come to terms with his passing and felt as if most of the students had forgotten that he existed. I had little time left at this high school but I was determined to remember him and do something in his memory, before we all went down our various course paths and closed another life chapter for good.
Being made a school prefect was a huge honour but getting to that stage in the first place was hard. I was first rejected for the role due to my low attendance rate for the previous year. As a person who doesn't deal with rejections very well, it did hit me hard. Knowing that a few students that I didn't get along well with got the roles instead, I was happy for them on the outside. Deep down, it did hurt. You start to question your strengths and abilities as a young teen, knowing that the place you're a student at don't see you in a good way and you have no idea why.
It wasn't until I went to my old high school's chapel that my final year started to change. I learnt that there had never been a prefect that had held a role within the school chapel. I was quite religious at the time and had a good relationship with some of the younger students, most new to the school and having to find their way around quickly was tough. I knew their feelings for sure, since I had been there myself a few years before.
I was given a role, one of my classmates who had been seriously unwell for a long time was also given a prefect role. Her bravery and courage are one of the reasons why a few of us in the school's chapel wanted to give back to others. I had a newly decorated blazer with a brand new prefect strip and ready to start working!
Of course, I still had classes to go to and work to do at home on the weekends, but having this role made me feel a little bit more grown-up. We had to go to these monthly meetings where our behaviour was looked at and whether there had been any complaints made about us by others. During that year, some students did lose their roles and others filling in their place by default. I do have a feeling now that I may have become a normal prefect later on in my final year, should I didn't get the chapel role at all.
My absences due to high anxiety didn't always time themselves well. But my goals were very clear. I wanted to create a strong bond with anyone who walked into those chapel doors and always take on feedback, creating activities and a safe place for anyone having a down day. I remember when the chapel got some new beanbags and all of us would like to pick out our favourite coloured one and sit down to eat lunch. We could eat in the chapel, but I always made sure that the place was kept tidy for the next group of staff/students to enter.
I learnt so much about myself during this time of being a prefect. I never realised that even with anxiety and depression, I could do so much with others and being more open about it than I ever thought. Opening up about my best friend's passing was hard and I knew that one of my old friends wanted to start fundraising for something different than to my idea. My old high school did have plans to build a bench in memory of my best friend. But that idea had been shelved and so, I really wanted a tree to be planted instead.694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hjED90oIF
I see trees as the opposite of death. They are life, they are in place to help us breathe and for nature to blossom. Knowing full well that not everyone would support me, I nervously talked about it to the rest of the chapel group. A vote was taken and my tree idea won.694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcBagxDJyc
The next few months were just... a whirlwind. I had no idea that so many people would actually be interested in getting involved. Staff and students alike. We got the money together from various events and made enough to plant a tree and get a plaque made. The date was set and we were all ready to see the tree planted. 694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGlMvug5j4
My mental health was horrible that day. I was shaking and wouldn't eat much food at all. My friends put on a brave face as I slowly walked outside in front of the headteacher and friends, some school governors as well and nervously planted the tree. At that particular moment, the sun shone past the dark clouds that had been forming in the background. It truly was a final goodbye.694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxt84gMy6nX
Yes, I do struggle still with the loss of my best friend. Even though I did sit all of my GCSE exams that year, I didn't fully get all the grades I wanted. I was happy that I did get the chance to leave school early for health reasons and revise without distractions. In conclusion, my time with this school was done. I'm happy that the tree I planted still stands proudly and produces some decent cooking apples.
ns 15.158.61.16da2
