Chapter 4 (In the arms of a stranger)
U’mama told me what happened. When Nichole came from the hospital, U’mama stayed at the house. I didn’t go there, I slept in the fields, I wasn’t a man. I felt shame, not for Nichole, for me. When she needed me, I didn’t go to her, not when her head was hurt, and not when she was a child. I made her a woman, she belonged to me, but I am not a man.
They made me chief of our village, still I am no man, a man needs a heart.
I married the first maiden that came to my village.
I was not better than my Master, I used Thandie, I know I did, I wanted to kill that white man, not because of his skin, no I love a woman of that colour. I wanted to kill him for what he did to her, the things he made her do. The mouth is a scared place, it’s for speaking good words, and for filling one’s belly. What he did, I didn’t know of. I do now and I want to kill him with my own two hands.
When Nichole left her bed, she would work in the rose garden, she was sick, her skin was so white, and she was thin, like I twig. She struggled to walk, but I didn’t go to help her, I am not a man I am a coward.
The roses grew, but she didn’t. Many times, more than I want to count, I saw her, and walked the other way, I could feel her eyes on my back, I don’t know what was in her mind. I deserved what she thought of me.
Her eyes didn’t laugh. For many years, I didn’t hear her laugh, she became a hollow person, like I am. My heart use to beat, because of her, now it died, because of me.
When Thandie was carrying our first born, I watched Nichole speak with her, she worked in the big house. I named him, Funani, in her language it can mean, search or want. I wanted this boy to be born from her.
The farm was prospering all around me. Other white families built houses. A little shop opened, next to Umama’s house. She didn’t work in the big house, she was too old now, she took care of my son.
It had been many months since I have spoken to Nichole, I didn’t look at the days anymore, I know it was a very long time, I was going down to the river, it was hot that day, I didn’t want to speak to anyone.
Her hair was long now, not like when she was small, and it was cut like a boy.
I have been a coward for too long, I sat down next to her, we both sat with our feet in the water.
I couldn’t see her face past her sunhat. I could feel her unhappiness, as I could feel my own.
When she turned to look at me, I could see she had been crying, as she did so many times, when no one was watching, I was. I know it was wrong, but I took her in my arms.
She once told me, that I felt like home, and that day I understood the words she had spoken to me.
“Sithandwa. Ngikukhumbulile kangaka.”
I understood him perfectly, I loved the sound of his voice when he spoke his native tongue.
“My love, I missed you more.” She held me, I could feel her heart beat, my heart was alive. I was scared that someone will see us, but I needed her, I really needed to feel alive.
“Woza nami.” She took my hand, and I smiled, I know this land, better than anyone, I led her to a cave, first I made sure it was safe. Then I kissed her.
I was alive again after being dead for so long. She pulled my shirt off, and she held me so tight I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to move, if this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.
This time when I entered her, it didn’t hurt, she didn’t cry, she held me, as I held her.
I never wanted this moment to end, never is a long time, I have read in the books, right now, I looked into her eyes and we laughed. I don’t know why we laughed, I think our hearts were smiling.
I told her how it felt the first time, and she looked at me with shocked eyes.
“Oh my dear love, I didn’t know. I am so happy you told me. Inkosi I have never forgotten. I shall never forget you. When he hurts me, I look into my heart, into the box of memories I have of you, and it helps me forget. I love you, God be my Judge, any God, I will love you until my dying day.”
“I know, I love you too, I was young, I was dumb, but my heart knew, Umama, she knew. I will live because of you, not because of my own heart, no, it dies when you are not with me.”
She leaned closer and kissed me, I have never taken my wife twice, I didn’t care much for it, I did with Nichole, my body was alive, and my need was like hers, it didn’t run dry.
We washed in the river, and we laughed again. I wish I was a man that could write, I think I would write poems for this woman. I would die for her, right now I knew, what she needed most, was for me to live, so she could.
I watched her walk away. Again my heart didn’t beat. I don’t know how long I sat there by the river. I went home, it wasn’t home, it was walls without a heart. I know the whites think we are different, but I know because of her, I am the same. I cry, I laugh and I bleed. I stood at the door of my hut. I looked down at my son, still I didn’t feel, my heart died in my chest.
Thandie never asked me questions, I am happy she didn’t, I fear I will hurt her if I get angry. She didn’t offer me food. She nursed the baby, and didn’t say a word.
I walked away, I didn’t want to use words, what can I say? Words will not make my heart feel alive.
I know what I did could get me killed. I went to the Isangoma, and he gave herbs. I was dark, so no one could see me at night. I climbed through her window. And I put the herbs in all the bottles.
My Master liked this drink, I don’t, it hurts my head. Then I sat down and I waited.
When I heard him snoring all I did was whistle, she ran into my arms. I closed her bedroom door. And she taught me, how to make love, not how to take a woman, any man can do that, making love was like painting the sky, it was beautiful.
I know now, that I am older, it wasn’t me that made her a woman, it was she whom made me a man.
Wisdom, can either be a blessing, or a curse. Little did I know, someone knew about the herbs.
I cannot change what happened next. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the brutality she had faced.
A bantu wasn’t allowed to knock on the front door, those days. I needed to speak with my Master, one of the cows was having difficulty giving birth.
I heard him scream at her. He was saying words I didn’t understand then.
“You thought you would get away with it?” I thought he was talking about us. He was talking about the herbs. I listened closely.
“I didn’t do it; I have no idea what you are accusing me of. I never put stuff in your drink, I never leave the house without your permission. Harry, it’s a lie. I didn’t put muti in your drink.”
She was running, I think was trying run out the back door, her dress was too wide and it caught in the door, he pulled her hair back and he punched her in the face, I watched as her nose broke before my eyes, she was so thin, she flew through the air, her side hit the table, I could hear a rib break.
I looked at Thandie, and the other maids. I will find out who the was umgibeli was. I will not have a traitor living in my village, even if the land didn’t belong to me. Right now I had a choice to make. Was I a man? Or a coward?
I stepped into the house, the maids held their aprons over their mouths. Nichole was lying on the floor, bleeding, she wasn’t moving. I spoke to Thandie in our language. I told her to fetch the doctor. She stood where she was, I spoke again, and she ran from the house.
Harry looked at me. “Who do you think you are walking into my house?”
“I am a chief, and I am a man, today I am telling you, if you ever touch her again, I will kill you. In ways, that your imagination cannot think of.”
“You speak English, my word, I have never heard a native speak my language.” I knelt next to Nichole. She was so pale. When she was young her skin was brown.
“Hey, open your eyes. Look at me.”
I told one of the maids to bring me a pillow and a blanket.
Harry stepped closer, I placed Nichole’s head on the pillow, too much blood and she wasn’t moving.
I walked up to Harry and I picked him up, with one arm, I slammed him against the wall until it cracked. “You better pray to your God, that she lives. Heed my warning, I am watching you, I was the one that put muti in your drink. You are a bad man, a very bad man. I don’t like, nor shall I tolerate bad men on the land of my birth.”
The doctor looked up at me. “Inkosi, we need to call an ambulance, the rib has pierced her lung.”
I went to the telephone. I got hold of the operator, she would never have said she was talking to a black man. Nichole and I had grown up together, she clicked her tongue at all the right places when she spoke my language, I knew exactly what a white man sounded like.
Harry wasn’t in sight. I sat and willed her to open her eyes. It was far from town to the farm.
The doctor did what he could. I could hear her breathing.
It was too shallow like a calf dying after a bad birth. I was scared, scared for the first time, not the last.
“Nichole, open your eyes, look at me.” The doctor was white, a good man. He helped deliver me, Umama had told me the story.
Nichole blinked. “Don’t move, just breathe, slowly. I am here, hey look at me.”
She opened her eyes, the doctor and I both held our breath.
“Inkosi? You are inside the house.”
I laughed. “Yes, Madame I am.”
I wiped the blood off her face. “Are you going to command me to get out?”
She smiled through the pain. “No, you are too stubborn to listen to me. Don’t call me that, you know I find it offensive.” I have never cried; I did at that moment. Just as Nichole held her tears silent, so did I, but they ran down my face and mixed with her blood.
“Nichole, I am sorry.”
She tried to shake her head. I held her head on my lap. “Don’t move. I didn’t know, I should have known. Again I am responsible for your pain. Don’t, how many times have you told me, to say what’s in my heart? You bloody turned me into a white man trapped in this black body.”
She smiled. “Yeah, if you say so, great chief. I couldn’t make you what you weren’t, a man Inkosi, just a man.”
I heard the ambulance. “I need to go, I don’t want this to be reported, but know, remember you know where to find me. Nichole, come back ‘home.’”
I watched as she was taken away. The doctor went with; I know he wouldn’t say a word. I went looking for Harry.
He held up his hands. “I am unarmed.”
“I don’t care.” I have not punched a man, yes we fought, I was taught how to defend myself as a Zulu, but this was a first for me. I punched a tooth right out of his rotten mouth.
“This is a warning, if she doesn’t come home alive, there won’t be another warning Master Atkinson. I don’t care if you get on a boat back to England, there is no place to run, I will hunt you down like a wild animal, like this beast you are, always remember this, even when you slumber, I’ll be watching you.”
I went to Umama’s house, and told her what happened. She smiled through her tears.
“I am proud of you Inkosi, you did the right thing, no man has the right to do what he does, no matter what colour he is, either be honourable, or don’t be a man at all.”
Harry never spoke directly to me again, not for his duration on the farm. He did sent word that Nichole was walking again, that was after a month, this time I kept count of the days. Three months later she returned home.
Harry left when she arrived, he got into his automobile and he left. I went to her bedroom, and climbed through the window, she smiled at me.
“Hey you, come here, I have missed you Inkosi.”
I lay my head on her chest, I had to hear her heart beating. “I am home.” Nichole kissed my head. “So am I.”
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