Chapter 7 (Home is where his heart is)
He walked me to my the little flat I lived in now. He stood at the door.
“I thought you had a question to ask me? Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Yes, thank you. I do have a question. It can wait, for now.”
He stooped to enter. Looked around and sat down, stretching his long legs out before him.
He watched me as I made the tea. To see him enter my home via the front door, was something I had never imagined, not in a span of forty-five years, give or take.
He had not aged. He still shaved his hair off. Now that we have the freedom, I don’t think we know what to do with it.
I placed the tray on the table and poured the tea. Two sugars, and black for Inkosi. I added milk to mine.
“Do you miss it? The big house?”
“I do, but not for the reasons you might presume. I do not need space, nor luxuries. I miss my home, my animals, and I miss you.”
He sipped the scalding tea.
“You haven’t changed Nichole, not on the inside. The outside, is beautiful. Too thin, you need to eat.”
“Yes, sir. I don’t like cooking for myself.”
“That I can remedy. I know what you are about to ask. No I am not married, she died, I don’t want to talk about it now. One day.”
He looked at me. I was lost. Mesmerised. I needed him, I wanted him, but I couldn’t form the words. He made me feel young, I thought I was older and wiser, I was mistaken, I am none of those things in his presence.
“Inkosi.” He didn’t avert his eyes. He stared at me. “Hmm?”
“When we were young, you never allowed me to say those words. I never ruled you, did I?”
He chuckled. “You ruled every part of me, I told you, you will see, but I will not touch you, until you ask me to.”
“Bloody hell, have you lost your mind? We just kissed.”
He gave a sideways glance. “I asked you something when we were older, but you gave me a bloody speech, instead of answering me. It has haunted me. I still don’t know, why you didn’t say yes.”
I was speechless. “I tried to explain, but you bloody well ran away. Inkosi, no more games. I am tired, I have been too ill, and I am not well. I don’t know…” I looked away.
He stood up, and pulled me to my feet. “You won’t tell me; I know you won’t. sleep well Nichole. I’ll bring the car Saturday morning at seven. Maybe then you will tell me what I need to hear.”
I think God, named men, because they are all alike in some ways, and that’s the only way to tell them apart. I bathed and I got into bed. The moon was high. I was sleeping under the same sky as Inkosi, my heart beat a mile a minute.
He was punctual, not that I doubted it for a second. He even held the car door open for me. It was
A long drive to the farm. At first the awkward silence, then talking at the same time, followed by another awkward silence, because now you aren’t sure who should go first.
Inkosi broke the silence. “How is Henry?” I have to admit, he had a habit of catching me off guard, then I sat there, utterly shocked, as to how he knew the things he knew.
“He is well, I see him as often as I can, we write, or we peak over the telephone, he is in Boarding school. I have a feeling Harry is going to sell the farm, and moved in to the city, or a suburb. For Harry’s sake. “
“Hmm.” I often wondered what went on in his mind when I got a ‘hmm’.
“May I ask? well I am going inquire as to how you knew about Henry?”
“Nichole, you still don’t see the woods for the trees, maybe in time.”
I sat there and ran his words over and over through my mind, clearly I am missing something that’s really important to him, something that had a connection tour past. I am not good with riddles. I don’t know why he doesn’t just spit it out?
We stopped to fill gasoline, he asked me if I was thirsty. I nodded.
“Come with me, I don’t know what you want to drink, and you need to eat.”
Heads turned, but we looked around, found what we wanted and I stood next to Inkosi while he paid.
I took his hand as we walked out of the shop, well if they want to treat us as baboons in a Zoo, then I shall give them a reason to stare, my, our government, our President, says, we are all equal, and my what a man he is. Imprisoned, and he walked out a hero, and he is. He truly took the nation, and by that I mean, all of us under his wing. He made us one.
Inkosi held the door open for me. I know two young white men commented on it. Inkosi closed my door and walked up to them. When he got back into the car the youngsters were not insight.
I didn’t ask, oh I was dying to ask him what he had said to them? I guess we are strangers for now, I don’t know how to remedy this bridge between us. Time was not kind to us, this time round.
“We need to stay over for the night, it’s far too drive in the heat. Chose a place.”
I looked up, down, sideways, and I had no idea what to say. “I don’t know of any places.”
We stopped in a small town for the night. I have been here a few times as a child, the beaches are lovely. It was dark when we arrived. The Inn keeper gave us a dirty-look, he was not having this at all.
“One or two rooms?”
Inkosi took the money out of his wallet. “Two rooms.”
I went to my room, and sat on the edge of the bed. I felt scared, scared of myself, scared that I have messed up, and I don’t know what my sin was. I showered, it was bliss, washed my hair. When I took my toiletries from the bathroom, Inkosi was sitting on my bed. He too had bathed and changed.
He pointed at the little table. “Eat, I’ll only eat if you do.” I sat down and I ate.
We ate in silence, every move felt wrong, when we were young we were so use to each other, we would finish each other’s sentences.
I washed my hands in the bathroom, and rinsed my mouth. He followed suit, Inkosi had cleared the little table. I was sitting on the edge of my bed. He sat down next to me, damn he smelled so darn good.
“Nichole.” I looked up at him. “Yeah?” He smiled.
“I know things are a little tense between us. I can admit it’s due to me. Please understand, the day I asked, right. The day I told you to marry me, was the most important day of my life. I didn’t mean as in that moment; I knew we would have to wait. If you had said yes, I would never have gotten married again, I would have waited for you. Just as I am now, because I don’t know what you want.”
"Please don’t think I am making excuses, I am not. When you live in constant fear, that’s all you know, it’s all you feel. I was shocked, firstly I could see us hung, and Harry applauding his success. I wanted to explain. You didn’t give me a chance, and then I had to face my father. The very next day. He is gone, Inkosi. He is gone.”
Inkosi frowned, he took my hands in his. “I am so sorry, I know how much you loved him, I am truly sorry.”
“We spoke about you and I, he became ill, and I spent a few months with him in the city, I gave me a chance to say my say, I think in his own way, he accepted it for what it was.”
Inkosi kicked his shoes off and lay back, one arm behind his head. “I liked him, he was a good man. Do you know how often we spoke? About the farm, the weather, and life, he was a wise man. I am really sorry to hear that he is no longer.”
“Harry is married, he has three children, I don’t see Henry as his child, I raised him, he is mine.” I smiled at him, but he didn’t smile back, this was getting really uncomfortable. All the years wasted and now I am tongue-tied.
Inkosi looked up at the fan. “I remember when Pig got out, you didn’t latch the gate, he was angry, we searched for hours to find your pet, they were all your pets.”
“I loved Pig, until Gran cooked him.” Inkosi laughed. “They were meant to feed, not be your friends. All those cats you brought to me, to nurse back to health, they all lived, until…”
“I didn’t know they all lived, father said they would surely die, but I never believed that. As for Turkey, the nights I needed the outhouse he would wait for me, I would shield my candle with my hand, but I be damned, if I got close enough he would kick me. Gran roasted him as well.”
He looked at me. “Come here.” I kicked my shoes off. And I sat next to him. “I said come here.”
I laid my head on his chest, I could hear his heart beat. It was racing, I didn’t know why.
He lay with his chin on my wet hair. “You should dry your hair.”
“It’s too hot.” I got another “Hmm.”
“Inkosi?” I turned so I could look at him. “Will you kiss me?” He adamantly shook his head no.
“Oh bloody hell why not? Well then get out of my room, I need to sleep.”
I know I had done it again, I stepped on his toes and it angered him.
He stopped at the door. The next words he uttered made a rage build up in me.
“You don’t want the white towns men to know you fucked a kaffir?” My mouth hung open.
He slammed the door closed and left. I don’t know how long I sat like that, I think until my mouth felt too dry.
I didn’t sleep, I tossed and I turned. I have never heard him cuss, but to say those words to me, and the fact that he knew those words, shocked me to my core.
I was ready at five am. I was waiting at the car, I had handed in my room key, I got another look. I was too tired for men this morning.
Inkosi greeted me, placed my bag in the car, and that’s how we drove home, in utter silence.
I watched as the river ran past us, the rainy season must have been good this year. We drove down to the house. The grass was overgrown. The house as silent as the grave. Inkosi pushed the door open. The house had been stripped bare, on the inside. Even the lavatory we had installed when I was about sixteen was gone.
“Watch out for Cobra’s.” I looked in every nook and cranny. There are three entrances to the house, one at the kitchen, one next to my bedroom and one was the front door.
We stopped at my bedroom. They had pulled up the carpet, Inkosi and I had sat on that carpet for hours.
It felt eerie to be back, I could see my life, in this desolated place, where every stool, bunk or couch use to be. The tub Inkosi and I had bathed in was gone as well. The huge black coal stove was gone.
I stood in the centre of the house, and I said good bye. I knew that day, I wouldn’t return again, what was done, was done.
Arjun entered the house. I greeted him by placing my palms together. “Namaste.”
He didn’t greet me; he was looking at Inkosi.
“I saw the car, I thought more had come to plunder the house.”
“I see, there isn’t much more they can take besides the doors and windows.” Arjun nodded. We walked out of the house. I pulled the door closed.
Inkosi took a walk. Arjun looked at me. “I am married now; I have a baby daughter.”
“I am truly happy for you, many blessings Arjun.”
He scratched his head and looked in the direction of Inkosi. “Don’t call again, my wife doesn’t want you to call here again.” With those parting words he walked back to his side of the farm.
I assumed, he didn’t want me to call, for reasons unknown to me. I still don’t know why, he was that nasty, I shall never know.
Inkosi looked at me. “Are you feeling better, now that you saw your home?”
“Honestly, yes and no. I can’t believe how neglected the farm is.” I looked up at the blue mountains.
“If only I could turn back time.” I got into the car, there were two roads that led out to the ‘main’ road.
I didn’t look back. I have not been back, I don’t think I shall ever go back, it hurts too much.
It sure is strange what you say to yourself when the pain is unbearable.
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