I’m Sorry
I wake up face down on the floor in a heap, arm over my head and limbs splayed out on the hardwood, disorientated, choking on my own blood and gagging on bile. Gathering my wits and trying to get my bearings, I struggle to move, dazed for a moment and then I remember where I am and what he is doing to me. Like a rush of water flowing back to a dry riverbed when the damn is breached.
I get that surge of furious self-preservation, instant awareness as the room comes back to me and jump up, heart tearing through my chest with elevated thuds, claws appearing, mind a burning mess of mad. Ready to take him on in a battle to the death and fuelled by something inside of me that I never knew I possessed. I feel like my hatred could melt steel with the heat radiating from my fiery depths. I spin hysterically, ready to take on my attacker. Body mid turn in furious speed when I realise he is on the other side of the room from me and looking at me like I have two heads. A good twelve feet away at the least and crouching down as though he too is recovering.
“Woah, woah. Lorey calm down I didn’t do anything. Stop and breathe. Take a moment before you start again!” He jumps to his feet, hyperaware of my sudden rise. His palms are up facing me, flat out and he is completely naked, as am I, which only pushes me to heights of venomous hatred. Claws fully extend as do my teeth and my body shudders as it begins to transform around me, ready to fight him and maim him until this pain inside of my heart starts to ebb. I feel crushed inside, as though my soul is ripped to shreds and hanging around my organs like unwanted trash on the wind. I’ve never felt this much aggression or blood lust and I have him fully in my sights. My body is tingling all over and I have no memory of what he has put me through but enough memory to know what he intended.
“What did you do to me? Why would you do that to me?” I scream at him, my voice pitched in hysteria, but he just raises his hands higher and pleads with me mentally. His eyes softening with no attempt to turn as he watches me at a distance.
Please stop and listen. Let me explain. I haven’t and wouldn’t do that to you.
You raped me!!
I mentally scream back at him, not seeing anything around me anymore, just the pulsing beat of the vein in his throat as I hone in and know where I will be aiming with my take down bite. He just shakes his head looking completely devastated. Radiating so many emotions my way but I battle them back like bouncing off a glass wall.
NO, I did not! I never intended to either. Lorey please, sit…I’ll stay here, you stay there and just let me talk. I need you to calm down and just listen.
I’m breathing so heavily my chest is heaving and I can’t calm down. Especially not when he is telling me too. He has no right; he can’t be serious with this shit after what he just did. He broke the trust; he ruined the bond, and nothing will fix that.
My body is on fire , my blood is like molten lava in my veins and I can already tell I have turned enough to heal the mark he made on my breast because there is no pain and only dried blood. In fact, my complete lack of clothing and the fact I am starting to notice shreds of what I was wearing around the room, tell me I already turned but I don’t know how if I was unconscious. I shake it away.
I hate him so much I can almost taste it. I will never let him touch me again or come near me. I’ll rip his throat out if he tries. He is disgusting and vile to me now. An abuser, unworthy as a leader; not worthy as a mate, as an alpha and not as a lycanthrope.
“What did you do? Stop lying” It’s a hiss through a sob, a heartbreaking wail of betrayal, a howl from my wounded wolf and I feel completely desolate. I don’t believe him, about what he says he didn’t do because I don’t know. I blacked out while he was on top of me, doing things….he had no intention of stopping. He said it…He commanded me. He tried to immobilise me so he could finish the deed.
“I had to make you snap. I told you it’s what I intended. And you did. It worked……You’re amazing…… your gift baby, it’s fucking perfect.” There’s a moment of joy followed by a frown as he realises I am not sharing in his celebrations or relaxing from my stance. Instead I blanche at him in stupefied silence. My brain having a moment and I literally think he might be some kind of sociopath, in denial about what he just did to me…or tried to…or… I don’t even know anymore.
“What are you talking about? I blacked out! How would I fucking do anything except lay there and succumb?” another sobbing wail and Colton’s face completely drops, obvious regret written all over him and the overpowering sense of pain waving my way. I can feel him trying to tell me this isn’t how it seems by using his emotion instead of words. I’m weakening as adrenalin wains but I won’t relent and try hard to brick up my wall once more to keep him out.
“The human in you zoned out, not the wolf. You lost control and you turned; you disabled me completely, you threw me across the room with a strength I couldn’t match. You came at me; I swear you had me running around this room just to stop you tearing me from limb to limb. Complete direct focus and not taking out the house in aftermath, so you’re learning to focus it. Lorey, you had me and I honestly don’t think I would still be here if your energy levels hadn’t gone down before I did.” Again, with that hint of pride and joy, but my death glare and crouch to pounce mode has him hurrying the words out, realising he isn’t calming me one ounce and I’m ready for a battle, or a second one. I swear I can smell a hint of slight fear coming my way and it only fuels my desire to make him pay.
“You pushed all of your rage on my body and if I wasn’t half turned and healing fast you would have killed me. DO you understand? Blind sighted and feral you would have ended us both….easily. You got in my head in ways I don’t think any wolf has ever been capable and YOU commanded me to stay down and stop. I couldn’t move. You alpha toned me. YOU took my strength, my command and you turned it and made it a weapon. Baby don’t you see, you have barely grazed the surface of what you can do, and yet you have so much power and potential already. There is a sea of something inside of you and your eyes, we still need to figure out why they are red. You’re not a reject, you’re not even a regular pack wolf; you’re special and now we know for sure we can harness it, nurture it, bring it out so can control it and show all of them who you really are…… there is a Luna inside of you and the fates, they gave you to me for that reason. My father can’t deny you if he can see this kind of power in you.”
Colton moves slightly forward, breathless with talking fast, still wary, his hands still up, his eyes locked on mine, but the trust is wounded and I back away, snarling at him, panting with shallow breaths as my heart pounds faster and rage and fear claw me apart. I am afraid and I don’t believe anything he is saying to me even if a logical pull is tugging from the recess of my mind. He stops, looks utterly devastated and drops his eyes to the floor.
“I know how it looks. I had to make you fight back and I knew that was a surefire way. I had to see. This changes things Lorey, can’t you understand? Our packs are verging on a war where more than ever my mate has to be capable of standing by my side and fighting worse than us. You can absorb my gifts, which means you can absorb any that you come up against, turn them into something more powerful and use them with control. You were right when you said I made a choice and I did this….. but this is how we change things. My father has to see that you’re not a black mark on our people if the fates gave you a gift like this. There is hope that I can have them accept you into the pack and lay claim to what the fates ordained. You as my mate…..as we always should have been..”
I shake my head at him, so consumed with mistrust my head a flurry of conflicting emotions, backing into a corner until I hit the edge of the bed. It startles me and I seem to snap out of my intense focus on him and look around for the first time, really seeing the room.
It’s complete devastation; something worse than the carnage at the orphanage and I gasp as my eyes follow the gouges and claw marks running both across floor and walls, but ceilings too. There has been an epic battle in this room. Furniture splayed or tipped over, smashed or just balancing precariously. The pictures on the wall either smashed to the floor or hanging lopsided, some clawed through where they hang. Everything is destroyed around us. All the bed sheets are strewn across the floor, most ripped and gashed, feathers floating in the air from cushions that no longer exist and I crouch quickly to grab the nearest to wrap it around myself. Concealing my body fast.
“There’s one problem with that little ‘hope’… I don’t want you to ever touch me again.” I snarl out, penetrating him with my glare, a second wave of anger even though I am beginning to see that maybe he isn’t lying to me. He still made me believe he would, he scared me and for that few seconds of panic before I blacked out, I was afraid of him. You never do that to your bond.
“Your upset and angry with me. Baby, I would never do that I swear on the bloodline of my pack. I had to see, and now look at you….standing their poised for a second round like a seasoned warrior. You weren’t that girl yesterday….your changing. Coming into your true form and adapting as you do.”
“Changing??? I’m FUCKING furious with you!! I’m REACTING, because you are a sick twisted bastard who laid his god damn hands on me in the worst kind of way. I can’t ever know for sure if you did stop. I only have your words!” I scream it at him, not caring if everyone in this house hears me. What’s he has done is unforgiveable. If we weren’t so far at this side of the house, I’m sure a dozen Santo’s would have been in here already.
“You can trust me; I would never do anything to hurt you that way.”
It’s the wrong thing to say and I am already volcanic. He just makes me erupt.
“TRUST?!?!?! Like I trusted the Santo’s to take care of their own when our people didn’t come home! Like I trusted you to stand for me and honour our bond when we were imprinted….Trust Colton? …. You have denied me, let me down more than once in our lifetime, you fall at every hurdle the second daddy says NO. Maybe Carmen has the right idea and you are not someone I should ever trust. Look at how you discard women and pick them up as you fancy. You are weak; you are no Alpha. Always in your father’s shadow. YOU are the last wolf I would ever trust or choose to bond myself to.”
My words hit him hard and his face closes up, his muscles in his jaw tensing as his eyes dart to the floor trying to conceal the wounds I just inflicted upon his heart, but I don’t care. He has never done anything to prove to me I can trust him and imprinting stupidly made me think I could. You don’t insult a male’s pride and ego, definitely not his strength. Especially not an Alpha, but Colton has not been a man for me, he’s been a boy doing what he’s told and denying what the fates asked of him.
“Carmen slept with someone else, one of my own brothers of Santo. She said it was in heartbreak and anger, to make me feel the pain I inflicted on her. So no, I didn’t just discard her….. I had to swallow all of that and stick to my commitment, I made my choice, but she kept using us as a reason to punish me while conveniently forgetting her sins. Her jealousy and mistrust are her guilt. The imprinting didn’t make me indifferent to her…she did. She wasn’t fighting the bond or the lure of the fates as I was, she was just trying to wound me and that Lorey, is something you never do to a mate. That is why I can’t feel anything for her anymore. It’s why we are not dating. After the forest, I found out and since then I haven’t been able to feel anything but disdain for her.”
His words silence me and my anger momentarily; not expecting that mouthful or the knowledge a femme would betray a mate with his own pack brother. That’s all kinds of messed up and I can’t believe he is only telling me now. Even if his heart was no longer invested, an alphas pride and ego would have been crushed to have been played like that. His respect in the pack will be dented, especially if he never took out any act of revenge on his pack brother to balance the scales. By Lycanthrope law he should have publicly shamed her, punished her and his pack brother. Instead he was still trying to fix everything.
With my rage fizzing out and my logical brain easing in to calm my impulse to wreak havoc on him, I slump down onto the floor, completely exhausted and pull my ripped sheets around me in a bid to self-console. My head a blur of what he just said, some weird sympathy for him even if I should be sill hating his very bones.
“Show me…prove it…that you never….” I can’t look at him, the storm has blown out of my sails and I’m tired, but he knows what I am asking, and he cautiously walks to me. Slowly and surely keeping his eyes on me as though he expects me to turn and go for him at any second. I can sense his apprehension and that gives me a hint that maybe some of what he said was truth. Something made him afraid once more, something happened between us and he is taught and ready to defend himself if needs be.
He reaches out when he gets close enough and touches his fingers to my temple, so gently it’s barely a graze of a touch as he slides down to his knees, bringing his mind to mine and projects the memory I am missing.
It’s as he says. After I blacked out there was a moment of pause, where he stopped, pulled my face to him and looked over me, aware I was no longer responding. His voice laced in concern, asking if I am okay and trying to rouse me. It’s like I just stopped and became vacant. He released his hold on me, panic rising inside of him, afraid he had done something to me, checked my pulse, stroked my face and tried to rouse me by whispering my name softly… he didn’t try and do anything more, just bring me round, and when it looked like he started moving to pull me up to sit, so drenched in his concern; I completely exploded.
My wolf form seemed to combust from thin air, my eyes snapped open burning red with the rage of Lucifer and then all hell broke loose. Just like he said. I was in it for his blood. I was relentless and I don’t recognise myself in the memory.
I cringe as the pictures and images show me wounding him in ways an average wolf would never have healed from. I was on him, after him, rolling around as he tried to battle me off without actually trying to hurt me. I bit him, clawed him, savagely ripped at him over and over. I just wouldn’t relent and he was right. His power was no match for mine. He had to heal as fast as I inflicted pain just to stay breathing and I was a tornado of hatred who was not willing to stop.
I delivered a thundering blow, eliciting a yelp from him so high pitched it hurts even in memory , my ears wincing at the sound. My claws imbedding in his chest and just an inch from his heart which I guess is where I was aiming, before my wolf gave up, unable to stay in form when it’s still so new for me and takes so much stamina. I slumped onto the floor again as though I had never moved. Colton crawled from me yanking my talons from his chest, bleeding out and groaning as he struggled to the wall, where I awoke to find him, to let himself heal. Then that’s where my memory rejoins what I woke up to.
I have no words, and when he lets me go and sits back on his haunches, I can feel the relief swarming my way that he knows I can’t deny what I saw. We can’t twist the memories or alter them; he didn’t lie to me. I just saw for myself that what he said was true.
“Imagine what you could do when you harness it and are trained to fight.” His words are hushed, his hand coming up to touch my cheek gently and I flinch away from him. Still on high alert and wary, but also submerged in shame at what I just saw myself do. I didn’t recognise that wolf as any connection to me, she was feral and relentless and out of control. This is why they never allow us to turn if we cannot control ourselves.
“I could have killed you. I tried to kill you.” I can’t look at him, but he tilts my chin up and meets my eyes with his, a simile forming on his face.
“The fates wouldn’t give me a mate I can’t handle. Besides if I died, you would have too and we could have been together in the afterlife to carry on.” That cheeky smile hits his face, mixed with relief that I am finally calming down and a little too cocky that he is winning me over. I can’t help the tiny ghost of a smile that twinges on my own lips, a little annoyed that he always seems to be able to draw me out like this.
I have no words and I as try to say something more, his face falls and that serious tone kicks in, cutting into our conversation hastily.
“All wolves have been called to the great hall, immediately”
He drops his hand from my face and jumps to his feet, all naked glory of him and I avert my eyes, suddenly aware of this fact and instantly shy. He has your typical alpha package going on and it’s not exactly easy not to look at. Generally, the males have something to be proud of. My face reddens and I huddle myself up still recovering from this shitstorm we just put ourselves through.
I wait for him to leave but he pauses when he see’s I make no effort to follow.
“That means you too…..my goal is to have you initiated into this pack, Alora. No matter what it takes. My father can’t keep denying us if you become accepted. We have to have a plan…..steps to being together. I don’t want to keep feeling the emptiness of the last weeks and denying this. What I said in the forest; I was wrong.”
My eyes dart to him, shocked yet not. Deep down I guess I knew this was his motive and his feelings on where we should end up. I’m just not sure anymore. The words I said anger still ring true and my heart is telling me that a bond should be stronger than his father’s command. I can’t shift that disappointment in him.
I have a whirlwind of emotions and so much has happened in the last twelve hours that I just need some time to let my brain catch up. I have been through trauma, changes, a whirlwind and I need to just process it all. I can’t tell which way is up and I am no longer in control of a single tiny thing in my own life. Not even where I will sleep tonight, let alone be tomorrow.
“Come on. Please. You can’t say here in this mess and we need to get you some clothes.”
He stretches his hand out to me extending his palm outwards and I just brush it away.
“Why Can’t you just let me leave and figure this out of my own. This is the last place on earth I want to be.” Tears begin to fall as self-pity hits hard and I guess it’s because I am physically and mentally exhausted too. This is not how I thought my life would go and from the day I turned, it’s just been hell and heartache.
He exhales heavily, frustrated with me and yanks me to my feet with a forceful lunge at my arms instead. Pulling me up despite my refusal. Taking charge.
“Listen to me. I just need you to comply for a little while and we will figure this out. When this settles, I’ll go to the orphanage and pack up all your stuff for you, but right now, I just need you to come with me and do as I say.” He has that edge to his voice I usually hear when he’s leading his pack around. It’s the don’t argue with me commanding tone of Prince Santo.
What else can I do. I’m on my feet with a persistent pain in my ass bossing me around in a house full of people who hate me. I literally only have him on my side to depend on and only because the fates forced it. I have nowhere else to go if I am being honest with myself. Everything is too messy, my gifts too new and my mental state a little on the fragile side.
I nod reluctantly.
“Come on then. Stay close.” Colton turns and leads the way, sensing I don’t want or need him touching me and I do as he said. I stay right behind him, clutching my covering and wait while he grabs one, wrapping it on like a toga and heads towards the door.
Within seconds we are in the all moving along the wide passage in semi darkness due to all the boarded up windows and lack of lighting and he leads onwards, following some turns and a flight of stairs until we get to one floor below. I had been put on the top floor in the far end of the house away from everyone and now we seemed to be on the third floor, in a brighter corridor with doors all bearing names and keypads on each.
Colton stops me with an arm, pushes me back around the corner we just rounded and hushes me as two Santa pack members appear from a door opening, both walk out and head away from us, completely unaware of our presence.
He makes us wait a second before leading the way halfway down the hall to the third door on the right and turns, using his hand on the pad, scanning his palm as it clicks open. His name is on the door and I guess this is his room.
“Why are we hiding if you are taking me downstairs anyway?” I ask blatantly, composing myself since leaving that room and he walks off right across the bedroom, towards a set of wooden doors in front of me, sliding them open to reveal wardrobes and starts pulling out clothes in multiples of two.
I follow and shut the door behind us, taking in the almost Scandinavian Ikea style and minimalism of his room. He looks space, and neatness with very few items cluttering it up. Neutral tones, light woods, plants and lots of space. It’s clean and airy and almost obsessively organised.
“Carmen just needs to know I brought you in here and she will go nuclear if she finds out. It’s best if I just appear downstairs with you where she is contained because frankly, my ears and my head can’t handle her gifts right now. She still thinks we have a future and I need to talk to her about that.”
That quietens me and that distant heartache and pang of jealousy finds its way back home to me. In all this mess I was starting to wonder if our bond had been dented and if I was starting to feel differently about him. I guess I am not that lucky, as my heart still seems very attached despite everything. I’m mad at him, disappointed in him but yet I still yearn and love him.
We dress quickly, although his clothes are baggy on me and ill fitting but it’s better than showing up in a rag and a smile. I follow him close to his heel, leaving his room when we make our way down another two flights of sweeping staircase and two other levels before we end up back where I caused such a scene hours ago. That sweeping final stair to the main entrance which is now immaculately calm.
It’s a lot cleaner and tidier now the debris is gone, and the front door seems closed with the addition of several new heavy-duty locking mechanisms on them. The boarded glass panels are screwed on with braces over them for now.
Colton takes my hand in his unexpectedly, sliding fingers into mine and leads the way across the vast marble floor into a small corridor that runs away from the bathroom he put me in earlier. I don’t reject his touch, needing it now I am on a comedown of what happened upstairs. Once again feeling vulnerable and out of my depth and clinging to him to take charge while in his domain. We walk down the dark almost claustrophobic space; voices, noises , lots of movement cascading our way and follow two Santo’s we catch up with inside the most crowded room I have ever seen.
It’s hard to tell how big it would be empty, for its packed solid with adult Santo wolves from all over, even the ones who don’t reside in the pack house. Easily over a hundred or so and they are all squeezed in, fighting for breathing space as we join right at the back, unseen.
There are elders and the shaman right down at the front, standing on a sort of low podium, facing back at us all. Men I have never seen before in my life standing behind them and I guess these are the older generation of retired elders, coming out in a time of need. Mostly men in here or femmes who have no children as all of those are home minding their little ones. Juan Santo is right in the centre and he seems to be waiting for everyone to quiet before he starts. The seriousness of this cascades around the room, thickening the atmosphere with a heady tension.
Colton pulls me in front of him, placing me right at his chest so he is up against my back, lacing his fingers into both of my hands from behind as they hang by my sides in the darkest of our shadows. He rests his chin on the back of my head bringing his body to fit snugly against mine, so we are completely joined. He’s a good head taller than me so it’s a natural position and I glance around to see if anyone is staring, but they are all too focused on their alpha king.
“Quiet now” A voice from the front rows hushes the uneasy mumbling and scraping in the room and everyone falls silent.
Juan steps forward although I can barely see him over the people in front of me and have to stand on my tip toes to get a proper view. There is a moment of pause as he looks around us all, his eyes catching his son across the crowds and I can’t miss the fleeting surge of anger as he realises I am right in front of him. I look away, land back down on flat feet, wounded by the penetrating glare and scan the room instead to see if Carmen is anywhere close by. I can’t see her thankfully, which means she probably can’t see us and try to sink down a little to better conceal myself behind the Santo in front of me. Colton squeezes my hands and holds me closer.
Be still. You’re safe with me.
For now, maybe. While they are all distracted but my gut says it’s temporary. I can feel the hatred lingering in the air from Juan’s glance and it unsettles me in every kind of way.
“You all know why we are here…” Juan begins and it’s the final push needed to bring a hush to the room as all completely still and fall silent. It tugs my attention back to him and I peek around the side of the male in front of me to catch sight of him.
“We were attacked by a long-forgotten enemy and quite frankly we didn’t see it coming and were not prepared. Despite the rumbling of recent months, we did not honestly expect them to rise and attack in this way and we failed our people. We lost fifty-three of our kind on the dark side of the mountain. Forty-seven lost in the battle and six bonded who perished when their mates heart took it’s last beat. ”
My heart aches as he says it, visualising so many of the faces I know went down in that attack. Unlike anyone else in this room , I am probably the only one who not only knew their names but what every single one of them looked like and their age. I have memories with most of them. To these wolves they just numbers to measure their failures against.
I close my eyes as the tears begin to fall, the pain returning once more, and I can’t stop myself. I nestle back into Colton as an arm comes up around my shoulders and across my neck as he cuddles me. His comfort is what I need more than anything and stay here in the darkness of my own doing just listening and silently weeping.
“We think it was a test for a device we found in the orphanage.” My eyes rip open at that and I squirm to see what everyone is suddenly craning necks to look at. He holds up a black box, that looks completely harmless. Small and compact, no more than a tissue box in size, with an antenna coming from the top. It doesn’t look real, more like something a child could make with card and glue and some black paint.
“They chose our weakest and our most secluded and they walked right in, depositing this in the centre of the first floor. We think they wanted to test its effectiveness and still have a fighting chance should it fail. It didn’t….we have only one survivor from the home and only because of the fast actions of our pack. We managed to take down many of their kind but a few escaped.”
There’s a murmur and uneasiness as people look around, and I catch the whisper of my name on the hushes wave of sound. The mix of both relief that my survival ensured their own Santa alphas, but also the bitter ones calling me a reject and querying how I was the one who managed to live.
I catch the low internal growl from Colton as his protective instinct kicks in at hearing my name and a couple of nearby Santo’s glance this way, eyes widen in surprise and they instantly look down at their feet, turning submissive in a flash. Realising he is right in here among them and not down there with his immediate family. I caught sight of his mother in the shadows with his grandmother when we settled down , two women who barely show face and he barely seems to interact with. Those around us turn silent and Juan breaks through the thick atmosphere.
“Testing weapons can only mean we are heading for a war with an enemy we thought we long ago vanquished. They are working on a strategy and this is just the beginning. There have been stories, rumours but nothing concrete for many months and this is now our proof. Civilization as we know it is about to change drastically. We must protect the packs and join with those from other lands, prepare for what is coming. We MUST unite and finally be ruled by one leader, one voice and work as one.”
I shiver as his words begin to hit home my brain scrambling to fathom something as huge an undertaking as that. We are a dozen packs in one state but worldwide there are thousands , hundreds of thousands and most still do not live in peace with the other of their kinds. Rivalries exist, and some are still at war with one another. A common enemy may change that but there is a lot to do before that can happen. Packs are destined to want to rule over one another and our mountain is not the normal when it comes to living in close proximity. It was a necessity as we recovered from the war of before.
Santo’s idea that he would become our leader and unite us all seems ridiculous now, given the vast amount of us in this world who would need to unite. I am sure there are other pack leaders out there who believe themselves far superior than him.
I shiver again, my body trembling with all that is dawning on me, how terrifying our future now looks and Colton’s firms his hold on me, reassuring me as best he can. Trying to keep me calm.
“We need to put measures in place to protect our mountain from another attack, effective immediately. Allocations of groups with leaders will be assigned to those who haven’t already had so. We are the reigning pack in Radstone and they will be looking to us now, to lead and protect. Training will begin at first light for all who is old enough to stand and fight, so all of you eat. Sleep. We have already sent small groups to walk the perimeter and each village has been told to do the same. We will have guards outside at every hour, keeping watch and we will revise a system to improve this and set up drills with how to react should an alarm be raised. This week, we will be moving all surrounding packs into the south side of the mountain, here among our people. We have much to do and there will be upheaval and chaos, but we must keep our heads. This was a first offensive and we do not know when they intend to return.”
The silence becomes unbearable when his last words fall in the air around us and the gravity of our situation sits heavy on all of us. Some of these men and women are survivors from the first war against the vampires and already paid their dues, but most of us we were just children or young enough to stay behind. We lost many and although or numbers have recouped over the years, we were not living in readiness for a fight. We have had relative peace for years and I have no idea how the hell we are going to get through this.
Bringing us all to one place to live in each other’s pockets, here in the Santo land is going to me madness. We are spread far around and high in number. There are not enough homes to accommodate bringing us all together in only a few days. Not to mention the children, their schools. This is insanity.
I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that everything I knew before, my idea of empty living was in fact the best years of my sad existence. Now we are dawning on a new age and I am going to wish with all my heart that I could back to being that unworthy reject in a house full of unwanted in the shadow side of the mountain.
If I could back I would. I would never complain again , never crave a different life because what we have coming, couldn’t be any worse.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
