August 12, 2005
Isi, one of the village mothers, invited me to help weave baskets with her, and I've gotten pretty good at it. In fact, I'm almost up to the island women's standards. They don't shake their heads and laugh at my attempts anymore. That's reassuring.
I think I've basically got the language down, there are a few complicated words that I can't quite get, but they seem really proud of me! It's great to feel included a little, like they're a family.
I still don't know what 'Nizhoni' means. No one will tell me, and now I'm pretty sure they are just making fun of me behind my back. Why else wouldn't they explain what it meant?
I've been really bad at writing in my journal lately. Sometimes I'll spend all day exploring the island by myself and then forget to write about anything I saw. This place is really beautiful. There's lots of waterfalls and high cliffs and animals of all kinds. It's kind of amazing that it's been left basically untouched. I can't imagine what it would look like with buildings and roads and all that city stuff. I'd be pretty disappointed if everything was modernized.
Which reminds me. The place is great and all, but using just water to wash my hair isn't doing anything for me. Shower by waterfall feels awesome, but frizzy and brittle hair afterwards doesn't.
Oh yeah. That tourist couple is still here. They decided they loved the island too and they are camping a mile or so down the hill from the village. We don't see much of them, but they come up and trade fruits with the mothers sometimes.
Shikoba is waving me over, so I'll write later.
Who knew that you could use snake skin to make weapon grips? Well, now I know how to do it. It's not as easy as it looks, and the hunters made it look like a piece of cake. They could skin a snake with one swipe of their knives. They kept trying to teach me, but I really sucked at first. I almost cut my finger off once. Luckily the blade missed my hand.
Shikoba's been acting kind of strange today. In fact, he's started being all weird the past few days or so. Sometimes he won't look at me, or he'll look away really fast. He's even been avoiding me for a whole day at a time. Once I saw him sneak into the forest way early in the morning. I thought about going after him but I was still tired from sleep.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm thinking about asking the next time something weird happens.
I was watching the ocean from a really tall mountain today and I could have sworn I saw a ship. It was really far out there, but I swear it was there. I'm not crazy! It was hard to make out, but it might have a been a marine ship. They have that green pattern on the bottom of all their ships. Maybe I was just imagining it, but I'm still gonna keep my guard up.
Shikoba insisted we spend the whole day together after skinning those snakes. We used to hang out all the time, and I really started to miss that. He took me to see the shoreline at the bottom of the mountain. Along the way we saw so many different types of animals. He would always chase them away when I got scared.
We went to the water and played around for awhile. The water was freezing! He kept splashing me so I did it back and we ended up getting soaked. It was starting to get dark so he made us a fire and sat by it to dry and warm it.
Right now, he's in the forest getting up dinner. I decided to write about everything that was happening because I've been forgetting and I don't want Madeline's notebook to go to waste. I still miss her a lot, but the pain isn't so bad anymore. Sometimes I even forget to think about her at all. I'm not sure if that's a good thing actually, but I should be able to move on, right? Is it bad for me to feel happy sometimes?
I haven't told anyone about what's happened to me. They are really great people and all, but everything that's in the past…I don't think I'll ever be able to actually explain it. How would I even bring up that conversation? 'Yeah, hi, so…I've basically been a walking lab rat for the past year or so and I'm insane. But, we're friends, right?' I'm pretty sure they would just kill me or something.
Ha, I just looked up at the sky and noticed the moon is full. That means the crazies are out, according to that stupid saying everyone talks about. Is that even true? Maybe I was born on a full moon since my life is so upside down. Yeah, that's it. I'm cursed. Or haunted. One of the two.
Maybe I should just change my name and get plastic surgery to fix my face up to where no one would recognize me. Oh, but I don't have any money. That would be kind of hard. I could steal it, but I hate to do that to innocent people if I really don't have to.
Oh, I can hear Shikoba coming back. Good, because I'm starving!
I…don't know what to feel right now.
When he came back, he had a couple rabbits he had caught. We cooked them and ate them. After that we just sat there and watched the sky. Then…he told me he loved me…
He said he wanted me to stay forever. I finally know what Nizhoni means…He's been calling me beautiful this whole time. I guess calling a girl that in this village means a guy is trying to…court her. Nobody told me anything, and so I had no idea.
He held my hands and made me look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do! He doesn't even know anything about me and is asking me to stay with him forever. What if Viper or the Marines catch up with me and they hurt or kill the villagers? I don't want to put anyone in any danger, and he's asking me to be risking all of their lives.
I just ran away from him…I didn't even give him an answer. I was crying…I'm still crying, and I didn't want to feel whatever it was that he was making me feel. I guess I should probably know what it's called.
Guilt. That's a good word. It hurts a lot, though.
A few times I heard him calling Nizhoni out into the forest. He was looking for me, but I was too afraid to see him again. I don't even know if I know how to love someone. What if I just hurt him anyway?
…I can't stay here. I have to leave tonight. The log pose has been set for months now and my boat is still docked on the island. At least, I hope so.
I just don't think I can face any of them ever again. It would hurt too much.
I snuck into the village to get the rest of my stuff. Shikoba was waiting on the side of the village he thought I would come back from. He probably wanted to talk to me, but I went around and snuck in the other side. When I came back outside from the tent, he wasn't anywhere I could see. I started back out towards where the shore was, but there was a little girl standing there. She saw me, but just stared. I kept looking back at her. What if she screamed and alerted the village I was there? They were probably looking for me. Who knew if they would welcome me back so eagerly like before. I put a finger to my mouth to tell the girl to be silent, and she nodded back. I was surprised, but I left before anything could go wrong.
When I got down to the shore, my boat was gone. It looked like the rope I had it tied to had been cut. It wasn't ragged like a snap. It was a clean edge. Maybe Shikoba cut it so I wouldn't be able to leave.
Then I remembered the tourist couple that came awhile ago. They still had their boat docked a mile or two down the shore. I felt really bad about taking it, but I just couldn't feel like I had betrayed the village, and Shikoba, any longer. They could deal with it themselves when the time came.
The boat was a lot different than mine, a little more complicated. I was still able to cast off and get to sea, but I still have to get used to the controls. After I cast off, I explored the inside. It had a closed deck with a small bed and a pantry. There was still food inside, so I know I have rations for at least a week. I hope the next island comes pretty quick, because I don't want to die at sea.
…I'm gonna miss Shikoba. He was a good friend.
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