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ONE MINUTE, I’D BEEN HAPPY, enjoying the company of my online friendship group and sharing the new content that dropped today. The next moment, I’d heard keys in the front door and immediately tore myself away from that happiness.
Why was I so concerned about Vincent returning home?
My heart was wrecked from the guilt I felt from keeping the outcome of the interview from him. I didn’t want to give him the news over text message, I felt it’d be better if we had the conversation in person.
The computer was still warm when he walked through the door, but I’d positioned myself in the armchair with a book in hand, pretending not to notice he’d walked in. A strong stench of alcohol wafted in behind him. He must’ve got for drinks after work, and then the ‘don’t wait up comment,’ from this morning finally clicked into place.
‘Did you have a good evening?’ I asked, glancing up from my book.
Vincent walked past me like he hadn’t heard me and headed straight for the kitchen, where he found a stray bottle of beer in the fridge and wasted no time putting it to his lips.
I set down my book and walked over to him, ‘I put aside some leftovers from dinner, would you like me to warm them up or I could pack them for your lunch tomorrow.’ I added.
But still he continued to ignore me and focused only on draining his bottle.
Why was he refusing to talk to me? Did he know about me failing at the job interview? No, that was impossible, only Harley, Nahla’li and myself knew about that, and none of them would’ve spilled, at least not to someone they didn’t even know.
Vincent discarded his empty bottle on the kitchen side, before slamming his hands down on the counter. ‘I’ve had a long day, so unless you’ve got anything important to talk to me about, back off.’ His tone was unlike anything I’d heard before, borderline aggressive.
I didn’t recognise the man who stood before me. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pestered you the moment you walked in. I hope you had a good evening, help yourself to the leftovers.’ I said, turning away from him, biting my lip to hold back tears but he grabbed my wrist and yanked me back.
‘Did I say we were finished talking?’ He demanded.
I shook my head, but all he could’ve seen was a deer caught in headlights. A burning sensation heated up where he was grabbing me.
‘You didn’t get the job, did you?’ Vincent asked, but without me giving any indication he added, ‘Course you didn’t. Silly little Bonnie would rather live in fantasyland than in the real world like the rest of us.’ He shoved me away.
I looked down at my wrist and noticed a red mark brandishing my wrist. ‘But I really did try,’ I said, just as the first of my tears began to fall.
Vincent snarled, ‘I’m sure you tried harder at that game though. You were playing it before I came home, weren't you?’
I didn’t dare meet his glare, we both knew the answer. He wasn’t stupid.
‘Thought as much,’ he spat.
A silence fell between us, with him calculating his next vicious move and me wondering what was about to happen. For the first time, I felt scared of my boyfriend, scared of what he might do to me. He’d never grabbed me like that, never once marked me before. Everything had always been verbal, and in time I found I could get over it. But there was a hesitation in the back of my mind that told me something wasn’t right with this situation.
Vincent sighed, shattering the silence like glass. ‘I’ve had enough, Bonnie. I’m tired of always being the one to defend you, when you can’t even help yourself. It’s pathetic,’ he said, his tone shifting back to something I recognised. ‘Yeah, tonight was good. One of the best nights I’ve had in a long time, but that’s probably because you weren't there to spoil my fun.’
I opened my mouth to interject his admission, but even I couldn’t find fault in his words. He was right, since my diagnosis I’d ruined his life, never allowing him to have fun because he was too busy taking care of his ‘sick’ girlfriend.
‘There’s something else you should know,’ Vincent added. ‘Every time I’ve been late home, every work trip away I’ve claimed to be on. I was with someone else.’
I shook my head, unable to believe him.
This had to be a lie. It was saying this just to hurt me, he had to be.
‘Bonnie, you and I, we’re finished,’ he said. The blow was softer the second time round. ‘I can’t do this anymore. You need serious help and I can’t sit around and wait for the girl you were when we first met when I’ve got the chance at happiness.’
I watched as Vincent moved to the bedroom and began packing his bags. I stayed in the kitchen, still struggling to process everything that’d just happened. And just as I’d come to terms with it, he was already gone, leaving his front door key on the counter and slamming the door behind him as he went.
My body crumbled beneath my weight, landing on the tiles with a thud and allowed myself to just lie there and cry. I truly loved that man, despite all the negative things he might’ve said to me.
‘It was tough love,’ he’d claimed to be teaching me, but this was going too far.
How could he have done this to me? Was I really that terrible to live with?
I pulled my knees into my chest and clung to myself as I sobbed. I stayed on the floor for hours in this position until I finally had no more tears left to cry. I picked my sorry self off the ground, and took myself to bed, but sleep refused to find me. Insomnia was the demon who kept me from my slumber, yet my lack of motivation prevented me from moving, or doing anything productive with myself that might’ve aided my sleep. Instead I just sat up in bed reliving the worst breakup I’d experienced in my life, until I eventually fell asleep.
The next morning, I didn’t feel any better. I couldn’t recall when I’d fallen asleep or how long I’d been asleep for. I picked up my phone, noticing Harley had got in touch, but I swiped away the message. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened last night. I just wanted to forget everything, and I wanted the world to forget about me.
Hours turned into days, and soon I couldn’t recall what the date was. Not that mattered, it wasn’t like anyone was asking after me. I’d received no new messages from Vincent after the incident, or my online friends after I’d abandoned them that night. I was rude and selfish to them all, why would they want to keep a friend like that around?
Those days I found it difficult to find my appetite, even a single bite of toast made me feel sick to my stomach. Water seemed to be the only thing I could keep down. My sleep wasn’t improving either. I fell asleep in the early hours of the morning and slept well into the afternoon. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d a decent meal, or even a shower.
I never touched my sketchbook. Something I’d brought the day of my failed interview that brought me joy, now only brought me sadness. I didn’t even touch my computer. I couldn’t bear the thought of facing my friends after how I’d left things and not once did I touch Eden’s Gate Online.
Everything changed the day I heard a knock at my door. I panicked, thinking Vincent was coming back to shout some more, until I heard Harley’s voice on the other side. The one friend who never seemed to have given up on me, no matter how pathetic I was.
‘Bon, it’s me.’ I heard him call.
My chest tightened and for some reason I hesitated, pulling my blanket over my head like a scared child. But part of me needed him and knew I couldn’t stay like this forever. I shuffled to the door, fumbling with the multitude of locks and opened the door for the first time in a week.
‘Harley?’
‘It’s me,’ he said softly, ‘Would it be alright if I came in?’
The studio was a mess, I hadn’t cleaned in a week, but I agreed and allowed him inside. Harley stepped in and closed the door quietly for us both, he bolted only a single lock before enveloping me into a cuddle.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he added. ‘The entire group has actually. They all send their love and hugs, so don’t think that was just from me. They were a little concerned that you left so suddenly, but we all decided it was best to give you some space.’
‘They have?’ I felt myself well up, overwhelmed by the thought that my friends did care and that they weren’t put out by my behaviour that night. ‘They aren’t mad that I left?’
Harley shook his head, ‘Not in the slightest. They were more concerned about your well being more than anything.’ He looked me up and down, ‘You look pale, have you been eating?’
I bit my lip, I couldn’t lie to this man, we’d been best friends since secondary school. He saw through me without even trying. I shook my head sheepishly, but he only smiled in return.
Harley took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, ‘Now you know I’m not the best chef in the world, but could I make you something to eat?’ he asked. ‘I don’t want to pry, but I would feel better if you did.’
I considered his offer but anxiety chewed at the pit of my stomach. I’d not kept food down in days, how would I keep a whole meal down in front of him. ‘Only if you eat with me?’
A smile appeared on his lips, ‘I’d love to,’ he said. ‘How about while I fix us some food, you go take a relaxing bath? It might help you feel a little more human?’
‘That actually sounds nice,’ I admitted aloud, ‘Are you sure you’ll be okay?’
Harley was looking perplexed as he began rummaging in the kitchen and I winced realising I’d not been shopping in a week. No doubt most of the groceries were out of date by now. He furrowed his brow, noticing the state the contents my fridge were in and turned back to me.
‘Bon, I’ve got it under control, you go enjoy your dip,’ he said, shooing me from the kitchen. A second later he chased after me, ‘Actually, do you have an extra key? Just in case I need to nip to the shop for a couple of bits.’
I glanced at the counter, Vincent’s key hadn’t moved the night he’d left. I hesitated but in the end pushed it towards Harley. ‘I guess I’ll go take that bath,’ I said with a smile, discarding my blanket on the back of the sofa in a heap. Inside the bathroom I immediately threw on the hot baths and rummaged through my cabinets for some nice smellies. I couldn’t believe how terrible I smelt, Harley was far too polite to comment on my stench, but still I felt my cheeks aflame.
The bath didn’t take too long to run, and after I’d dumped half a tub of citrus salts into the water, it was ready. I slipped in, dunking myself straight under the water and allowing the heat to consume me. I was overcome with a calm sensation, that treating myself to something as simple as a bath actually made me feel slightly better about myself. The tightness in my chest soon melted away, and I felt comfortable in my own skin once more.
I hadn’t realised how long I’d spent in the bath until I heard a knock on the bathroom door, then I remembered that Harley had come to visit.
‘Everything okay in there?’ he asked. ‘I’m about to dish up food, if that works for you?’
‘That would be perfect, just give me a minute to dry off,’ I replied. Then the realisation hit me, I hadn’t brought a spare change of clothes with me inside the bathroom. ‘Could I trouble you grab me something to wear, anything will do.’
I heard the panic in his voice before he finally agreed, ‘Sure. I’ll just leave it outside the bathroom, okay?’
‘Perfect, thank you.’
I unplugged the bath and slipped out of the tub feeling like a new woman. Harley gave a gentle tap on the door to confirm he’d completed the task then I heard him hurry off to finish dishing up our meal. I didn’t have a clue of what he might’ve cooked, but it smelt amazing. I quickly dried off my body, and pulled on the new outfit he’d brought me. An oversize shirt and leggings. Then tied my damp hair into a messy bun before emerging from the bathroom.
Harley had laid the table, a piece of furniture I’d neglected to use in recent months, especially eating my meals alone, and had even brought us a couple of glasses of fruit juice.
‘This looks incredible,’ I said, my mouth was already salivating from the sight.
‘I made your favourite,’ he replied, beaming with pride. ‘That is, if your favourite is still-’
‘You’ve done amazing,’ I took a seat at the table, not knowing where to start. ‘Yes, teriyaki chicken noodle bowls are still my favourite. They have been since college, when you first introduced me to that little Japanese place on the high street, do you remember?’
Harley took the seat next to me and laughed, ‘How could I forget, you ate so much ice cream mochi, I thought you were going to burst.’
‘Speaking of Mochi, how is the little guy?’
He was already tucking into his noodles, and I waited for him to finish a mouthful before he replied, ‘He’s well, mostly. He’s still refusing that diet though, absolutely hates me for it.’
‘To his own credit, I would probably hate you too if you put me on a diet like that.’
‘I would never.’
‘Good, keep feeding me like this and I’ll happily be your best friend forever.’
Together we laughed, and finished our noodle bowls until neither one of us could manage the last bites. We drank the fizzy fruit mocktails he made and reminisced about the old times.
‘Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you,’ Harley said, shortly after we washed up from dinner.
‘What’s up?’ I asked, drying off the cutlery and returning them to the drawer.
‘How would you like to come on a trip of a lifetime?’
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