幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAvu9NUm4hI4
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
281Please respect copyright.PENANA3cLyIsxBM5
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAvrpjtTMXXW
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
281Please respect copyright.PENANASpv5oQtzj8
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAe1OClyi2xH
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAZTOVD7HBbQ
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAC7V77JQa8v
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。281Please respect copyright.PENANAV1V61tObco
281Please respect copyright.PENANAB0PIWEHVPF
281Please respect copyright.PENANAcaTQeUTNBD
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世界觀:281Please respect copyright.PENANAd9vX4N5qLB
281Please respect copyright.PENANAM6WvALlA7T
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
281Please respect copyright.PENANA3gJt5pHjRx
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAN8KDqHYpNh
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAT0vRc5CWZT
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劇情細節的提醒:281Please respect copyright.PENANAH9N4k1FmAs
281Please respect copyright.PENANAW57EkG205x
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:281Please respect copyright.PENANA5xvt8KB8Ky
281Please respect copyright.PENANAsv5UUaRmsI
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。281Please respect copyright.PENANAJYsmhv3r7e
281Please respect copyright.PENANAdO5FujsPK0
參考網站:281Please respect copyright.PENANAFhMLrZhoiK
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html281Please respect copyright.PENANAnP6NHedoeq
281Please respect copyright.PENANAYmzldZiSZz
281Please respect copyright.PENANA5fAYNccteB
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。281Please respect copyright.PENANAe9mGzzPW4d
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例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。281Please respect copyright.PENANA4cePFbadIw
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281Please respect copyright.PENANAicijwTFqMa
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。281Please respect copyright.PENANAbJbJ45MaEC
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角色:281Please respect copyright.PENANAXxYtzdJWmS
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以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:281Please respect copyright.PENANASzuIc3Ub04
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主角:俊明
281Please respect copyright.PENANA21TUjLYZVw
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)281Please respect copyright.PENANAMt21uRrLze
281Please respect copyright.PENANA3o4uSkoeSQ
主角現狀:遭人排擠
281Please respect copyright.PENANAiNdbylVoQi
奉翊:281Please respect copyright.PENANAcqWTNzFTwR
不擅長飛行。281Please respect copyright.PENANAv6Y0ca5qRw
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。281Please respect copyright.PENANAWkI5IfYDVu
281Please respect copyright.PENANAU4JsxgEXNc
281Please respect copyright.PENANAzcFtpt4hDh
281Please respect copyright.PENANAX3jzDo6eFB
對於角色整體的感想:281Please respect copyright.PENANA20MoAKeu6o
281Please respect copyright.PENANA4ymuyewFCL
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。281Please respect copyright.PENANAgCvrzIHhXV
281Please respect copyright.PENANA29k7K2oswa
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。281Please respect copyright.PENANACHNJibzdeg
281Please respect copyright.PENANAnuIuvdrykz
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:281Please respect copyright.PENANAeaaO0oK0q0
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原作:281Please respect copyright.PENANAoFbnuuE2G6
281Please respect copyright.PENANAf1wKTspRsn
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388281Please respect copyright.PENANABF5663eFVG
281Please respect copyright.PENANAbJjN9zoCut
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)281Please respect copyright.PENANApARopNDYSi
281Please respect copyright.PENANArGEpd7DlJc
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):281Please respect copyright.PENANAfLIYkB0a0B
281Please respect copyright.PENANAfrKALHR5Zc
調整後:281Please respect copyright.PENANAv4xLeLPkhN
281Please respect copyright.PENANAg8mArfdOuN
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。281Please respect copyright.PENANAPZtbNwBr8t
281Please respect copyright.PENANALF2Nwxm25A
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。281Please respect copyright.PENANAc2paNlro4d
281Please respect copyright.PENANAuVoigz8LOY
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。281Please respect copyright.PENANAk8HAsJ2ZwS
281Please respect copyright.PENANAxmpQOPxuZL
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」281Please respect copyright.PENANAgvgGRailm0
281Please respect copyright.PENANA2rIxAqivTw
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。281Please respect copyright.PENANApEohCcL71I
281Please respect copyright.PENANAXBnPkEG0YS
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:281Please respect copyright.PENANAwhE5t3VcMh
281Please respect copyright.PENANAn5VyfYLfQG
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」281Please respect copyright.PENANA8jJL1sHbdJ
281Please respect copyright.PENANAim3IgGi4UH
查喀比茲?那是什麼?281Please respect copyright.PENANArgrc2UlYJW
281Please respect copyright.PENANARjO8J9OlvM
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:281Please respect copyright.PENANA7FRcRQNBBa
281Please respect copyright.PENANAhTHSS5tSNK
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」281Please respect copyright.PENANAx65QipjU9h
281Please respect copyright.PENANAXxE6SAxwDA
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。281Please respect copyright.PENANAb9KTUuKgKU
281Please respect copyright.PENANARQq7ERICfS
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」281Please respect copyright.PENANA9GnR42l7es
281Please respect copyright.PENANATUfXbAFcKE
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。281Please respect copyright.PENANAb0JIFVqHjc
281Please respect copyright.PENANAFc1gBbqgj8
他進一步解釋道:281Please respect copyright.PENANAtNOoBPSwU2
281Please respect copyright.PENANAbZSXFeiL3s
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」281Please respect copyright.PENANAnKLoo0Hcb7
281Please respect copyright.PENANAhNj0G1qtF6
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:281Please respect copyright.PENANAp6WTl8OWT5
281Please respect copyright.PENANANscY981m3D
「查詢,查喀比茲。」281Please respect copyright.PENANASNrh2LSjWS
281Please respect copyright.PENANANIEDhzg7WR
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。281Please respect copyright.PENANAFd9rRHHb7N
281Please respect copyright.PENANAwnTFX0z6Pt
「──查無此項結果。」281Please respect copyright.PENANAMAwNBQrFwi
281Please respect copyright.PENANAToy0Gayjmx
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。281Please respect copyright.PENANAIz1aq1PrVV
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「啊啊!」281Please respect copyright.PENANARRKdwUPAdD
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吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。281Please respect copyright.PENANAb6tFlr8GyD
281Please respect copyright.PENANAF8D1AiIgKS
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」281Please respect copyright.PENANAFBNq3iqwcr
281Please respect copyright.PENANAaizkhIeoeI
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:281Please respect copyright.PENANAJZcBlXwUIU
281Please respect copyright.PENANAaGCTgFqEAA
查喀比茲。281Please respect copyright.PENANA9zuG6JryXJ
281Please respect copyright.PENANAbtldlpsXdm
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。281Please respect copyright.PENANAmOoBGzoPQp
281Please respect copyright.PENANA7Pi7IEQpXk
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。281Please respect copyright.PENANAFnNXTUxMaI
281Please respect copyright.PENANAZydK79ec1G
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:281Please respect copyright.PENANATxJWnBqp4O
281Please respect copyright.PENANA5191m8dbhD
「你、你、你……該不會──」281Please respect copyright.PENANAKtXGVhhdgY
281Please respect copyright.PENANAxcJTTHyUqF
「沒錯,我就是──」281Please respect copyright.PENANAb0r805YkR1
281Please respect copyright.PENANAXDxdtFtxp0
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:281Please respect copyright.PENANAEtLrqbTHpS
281Please respect copyright.PENANAWT424kkfGT
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」281Please respect copyright.PENANATXta7rAz0L
281Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZG2e2Cg2h
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:281Please respect copyright.PENANA1GdWvhYffT
281Please respect copyright.PENANAjCwi1j1xmf
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」281Please respect copyright.PENANANZLZyEwZyP
281Please respect copyright.PENANAiauB8Kky5r
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。281Please respect copyright.PENANAzvOKJnh6RH
281Please respect copyright.PENANAjhX3sK9QVt
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:281Please respect copyright.PENANA2fyR8eaNTJ
281Please respect copyright.PENANAhadfxa2UQb
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」281Please respect copyright.PENANAnKjt40K832
281Please respect copyright.PENANAtyfhGeT1lu
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。281Please respect copyright.PENANAUcShljbAOI
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像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。281Please respect copyright.PENANAJvLJTAzG6U
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主線劇情:281Please respect copyright.PENANAqWFsKaJ7fZ
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主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。281Please respect copyright.PENANA1Y4aA0z1FC
281Please respect copyright.PENANANNpoFW7i3M
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。281Please respect copyright.PENANAifcd77CaVy
281Please respect copyright.PENANAC8MLz53awS
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。281Please respect copyright.PENANA5aeNsVFDPv
281Please respect copyright.PENANAfmRwH4mzV4
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:281Please respect copyright.PENANAkj7OdB1xBQ
281Please respect copyright.PENANAiz0J7ui5zs
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)281Please respect copyright.PENANAQCB54DkffL
281Please respect copyright.PENANARVZskTsy3U
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)281Please respect copyright.PENANANxSIqqOy9k
281Please respect copyright.PENANA8O4foNiEL6
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)281Please respect copyright.PENANAsa35MZty87
281Please respect copyright.PENANA7t8LlsApYJ
281Please respect copyright.PENANA1IBnEjG35M
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。281Please respect copyright.PENANA7rF3kUjYRO
281Please respect copyright.PENANAirJFp40Y4n
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:281Please respect copyright.PENANA3q1kdQUGpS
281Please respect copyright.PENANAoikLTWLuhi
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。281Please respect copyright.PENANAskvwnEAKEB
281Please respect copyright.PENANArxIWiwfMEm
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。281Please respect copyright.PENANARUKWXGWqNI
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那麼差不多是這樣。281Please respect copyright.PENANApAho1tE6sC
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281Please respect copyright.PENANAgMdVfmk5Dd
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關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。281Please respect copyright.PENANA6KZJJadBW6
281Please respect copyright.PENANAUazd9p7DcL
總之加油吧。
281Please respect copyright.PENANA32Hps7AqWg
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAn4ETHSppNj
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAKWqiAYEMJA
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
281Please respect copyright.PENANAY9WXdR5rXQ
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
281Please respect copyright.PENANA56Z4Lr09rK
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。281Please respect copyright.PENANAx9JVOx8S0E
281Please respect copyright.PENANALsne8gYKnR
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」281Please respect copyright.PENANATj6x419pcJ
281Please respect copyright.PENANAu53WV2dcea
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。281Please respect copyright.PENANAJsXoEM0jNv
281Please respect copyright.PENANA1Vjp2wjhx6
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:281Please respect copyright.PENANA8VKmn8PmxR
281Please respect copyright.PENANAMSPNdLA5WP
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」281Please respect copyright.PENANAZPHYLIdAL4
281Please respect copyright.PENANA8usFerkkoa
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
281Please respect copyright.PENANALoHhmcEHET
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
281Please respect copyright.PENANATiXN7zDDin
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
281Please respect copyright.PENANAezt7cg0h1w
主角:俊明281Please respect copyright.PENANAAJe9okQjWu
281Please respect copyright.PENANAysWhP270QE
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)281Please respect copyright.PENANAuV9c0IBX65
281Please respect copyright.PENANAHWHTs8Qxcd
281Please respect copyright.PENANANue41QdOp2
主角現狀:遭人排擠281Please respect copyright.PENANAgbC3SloDC7
281Please respect copyright.PENANAUSLAMPsRBi
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
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有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。281Please respect copyright.PENANA4Vp7wwbqjE
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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