Betting's Hard
I sit there practically crying in the mirror. Mere moments away from taking away what felt as a huge piece of my life. The scissors stay in my hand aimed at my throat and I’m choked up about what I’m about to do. I can hear my wife laughing in the other room and even hear her ask if I am done yet. I can’t believe she has the grapes to ask me if I have ended my life yet. I thought she loved me. More tears fill my eyes and I push myself to inch the scissors closer. I hear some louder laughter followed by a comment about how all my friends will love this. I say in an angry weeping voice, “the Joshua you know is about to cease existing.” This hushes her but I can hear some laughter on what I assume is her phone. This is suddenly followed by a laughter so loud and strong it seems like there is some crying involved. She is laughing so hard at my soon to be death that she’s crying. She belts out somewhat roughly that she’s on the phone with her mom and I can’t help but think; screw it I’m doing it now. It splatters the ground and I fall to my knees. I drop the scissors and after they clank on the floor, I hear a snap. Its almost like a camera snap. Oh my god, she is taking pictures of me. She runs out as to not be yelled at and I quickly swipe the scissors. I am bound with an aggression to continue what I’ve started. Hours go by and my wife peaks into the bathroom to see me laying on the floor unmoving. She sees me and quickly takes another picture before coming and holding my head. I can’t believe taking a picture of my pain was more important. I frown and turn my head away and she says, “oh wow, your alive!” I chuckle very little but can’t help but at least smile. She starts gasping and exclaiming how she can finally see my smile. I sit up from her lap and stare at her with a frown. “it was about half a foot long and it was how people know who I was. It was part of my personality. You can’t just expect me to shave off my beard and move on like nothing change. I feel very naked and wrong now.” I say all out of breath and everything. She proceeds to tell me the one thing I don’t want to hear, “then don’t lose a bet.” I can’t help but say with mouth agape, “I am never playing monopoly with you again.” This I decided was true, but it was not the only thing I could lose at. Three weeks later we had decided to play a game of life. She had said how she wanted to make another bet over who would win, and I was somewhat scared of the outcome. Grabbing my small fuzzy chin, I told her about how it would be depending on what the outcome was. She tells me that she wants me to scrub all three toilets. With a big frown I tell her ok if she agrees to rub my feet while I take a bath. She says of course and we both smile although mine is quickly wiped away knowing I would probably lose. Of course, I have the poor luck and lose, and by a landslide. She’s giggling while imagining my pain in this task no less. With about a half hour having passed I stare at my first bowl of water. I have hugged these so many times but never imagined having to do this. But it wasn’t so bad, and I hear the words, “I will help.”. without turning around, I know it is her and tell her thank you. She says some kind words and while handing me a shot of some good whiskey, tells me she will do what she can. I say ok and shoot it back before telling her I need a scrubber now. She says ok and hands it to me. I start going to town and here some running away and laughing so hard that it was practically crying. That is when I realized that this whole time, I have been an idiot. This butthead had pulled a fast one on me when handing a scrubber. I say I am not using that again and throw my toothbrush away. That explains the shot and shaking my head I start drinking straight from the bottle. After about an hour has passed, she finds me with tears in her eyes. She continually begs my forgiveness exclaiming that she couldn’t pass up the opportunity. With as much anger as I have ever felt toward her, I say one simple thing, “I am never betting with you again!” This I would soon discover was a lie. About two months pass. “This is the last time woman. I swear it. I can’t stand you on a normal day let alone when you gloat at my torture.” I proclaim to my boss of a wife as we shake hands on a bet. If I win, she must give me a full body massage while dressed like a cheerleader (I am a man remember!). if she wins, she’s going to command me to do something. She wouldn’t say what but considering what she’s done so far, I figured it couldn’t be worse. She looked so innocent that it was hard to say all that to her. Considering I have just started to kind of get my beard back and I had to buy a new toothbrush, she deserved it. The game was going to be a fierce game of Uno. The vague memory of this game tells me that with her family, I should have my gun and lawyer ready. But I figured with my wife, I should be ok. As long as her parents were not involved, I should be safe, and I had to make the rule that after my moms’ big outcry at how awesome me shaving was. She was not to be informed anymore. We started and as the first half hour goes by, I feel good. I feel confident but unwilling to boast so I don’t jinx myself. I should have boasted, because not hardly and hour goes by and I lose by an amount so huge, its like a hurricane. I fling the cards across the room and storm out. I go to my woodshop hoping to be alone and notice there is a new tool. The exact tool I have desired is sitting all pretty on my bench. I hear “I thought you would like a prize for losing this one.” I turn to see her smiling while leaning against the door. I rush over to her and hug her as tight as I can while planting the sloppiest kiss on her nose. I pull her back, give her another kiss and tell her how thankful I am. She says, “this is all I wanted from that bet”. With all the surprise I have I tell her simply, “if that’s the case, I will lose against you anytime.” I kiss her again and we walk out to relax for the night. What I would soon learn is that I would greatly regret those words, but that is a story for another time.
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