God, I don't know when this is gonna end. And I sure hope it does soon because I'm done with this. I'm just... done.
I don't know what's been going on with David, but he's acting like he's been through so much shit lately. It just worries me sick, the fact that he said that he was fine with Luca leaving and now he looks a like a fucked-up drunk. Five days did that to him while three days made me stain my pants and two more watching out for peeps. Yes, I'll admit I have dipped my toes in masturbating, though I have to also say who's not done it?
Probably some virgins. Attempt at humor.
And if you think that's worse, yesterday he choked Luca nearly half to death. She was gagging the time I got there, that's how worse it was. That was a day ago. If you're asking, I didn't do it then. If you didn't, who cares? I speak my mind.
Anyways, I'm starting to get very worried about him. I can't read David's mind, but he seems so aggressive and withdrawn lately. He's been taking his room back, now I'm sleeping on the couch. It's a bit unnatural, but anything for him. Anything for him, if he wants to lash out his anger at me. I'm fine with it, I just want to be there for him.
I love him, not in the boyfriend kind of way. Although, I don't think I'll be bad at that either. I just don't want him to turn around and floor it, I don't want him to destroy himself. I just want him to be happy, that's not much to ask right?
Well, bullshit.
I had enough of it, I wanted to talk to him. I walk up to his bedroom, knocked on the door hard about three times.
No answer.
I knock three times again, harder.
No answer.
I knock repeatedly. Five times, five times, five times, fi-
And then he loudly groans, not like the loud kind. Like the fucking jet engine I heard from Sing Street. Like a fucking motorcycle. You ever rode a motorcycle? It's rough and it's wild, like your boyfriend or whatever. Hope you like it.
And then he opens the door, like, really hard. And I get a good look at that face, that angry. Just for a second.
I remember that face and I remember it well, it was the face I kissed back before college. Young man, who I loved as well but I couldn't. Just couldn't. God, even still now, I could probably get a hard on looking at him. I could probably kiss him again and tell him I love him. Tell him how much he means to me.
But of course, as you expected, I didn't.
He booms loud in my ears. It doesn't hurt but it gets my mind off the fantasia I was in. "WHAT IS IT YOU FUCKING WANT??!!"
"I just want to talk to you." I say, as I would've always said it. Soft-spoken and to-the-point.
"I'd rather SUCK OFF A TRAP...... then hang around with you. Go fuck yourself."
"Listen, I want to talk to you."
"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?!"
"I'm worried about you. You're not yourself?"
And without even the slightest bit of remorse, he just went ahead and threw his can of Coke at Kaylon. Right at his head. And it hurt, it was a ding. But a really hard one, the metal on those cans are so painful.
"Fuck you." Just those two words, loud and clear. He just walked back to his room, closing the door.
But then, I got angry. And you know what, I regretted every single thing I said. But I remember it loud and clear.
"Hey, Matthew!" I shouted at him.
And oh, was he pissed. "Don't.... call me that."
"Why not... Matthew?"
And he went back to the door and opened it. "Don't you dare!"
"What are you gonna do, Matthew? Huh?"
"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF!!!!"
"Then, why don't you do it huh? WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?!!? Or better yet, why don't you suck this big, fat cock?"
"Don't you START WITH THAT!!!"
"Remember that night back at your house? HUH?!? Remember that?!? How you pinned me down on the floor? REMEMBER WHEN I KISSED YOU, RIGHT ON THE LIPS?!!"
"Don't you..."
"Remember how you were so FRIGHTENED to get that itch out of your jeans?!?! Remember how much of a pussy you were?! How 'bout when I gave you head that day, huh?!!?! REMEMBER?!?! MATTHEW!!??!"
Then, Luca came out. I remember her face distinctively when I looked over. She looked at me, scared, but I couldn't tell. I only saw her eyes and tits. Just stop it with that.
When I looked back, he punched me back right in the face. I don't even have the words to begin the pain I felt, the blood that spewed out my nostrils and mouth when he struck again a few times. I was down on the floor and he started choking me, hard. It didn't help, the fact that I was also getting turned on at the same time. What a nightmare it was.
And Luca, no Luca!
Slapped her. The son of a bitch slapped her, backhanded across the face. And she fell back as well, onto the floor. Let out a yelp for help and I heard her thud against the floor, hard. I opened my eyes with ferocious anger and revenge, contorting my face a different way.
"I OUGHT TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!!" He shouted at her. And God, I think he wanted to rape her. He looked down at her, zipping down his pants and just... being a fucking schizophrenic loophole.
I don't exactly remember how I did it, but I saw the opportunity to kick his balls and I did it. I didn't care, I never cared. I just wanted him off, I just wanted him down. I kicked him over and over until I was free from his grasp. And then I kept going, going, going.... Kept yelling with everything I could throw at him... He was howling, yelling, shrieking at what I was doing to him. Every kick, every inch of anger and revenge I wanted out was placed on him. Just as I wanted. Just as he deserved. Just what the... yeah, I'm gonna go on now.
And I stopped after what seemed to be hours, but really minutes. Actually, wasn't more than two minutes. I could see him panting, just panting and gasping for air. Maybe vomiting again, but I didn't care. Oh, I never cared about everything I did to him. I just wanted him down, I just wanted to talk to him.
It's both our faults, you know? Just is. No other way. If you think it's fault, then I'm sorry. You were raised wrong.
And I got my bags here. Just you and me. Anyway, you're maybe wondering why I got my bags here. Why I'm leaving that apartment, going back to Colorado again. Headin' home. Truth be told, it's been about two days since it happened, almost three....
Fuck it, I already said it. I'm done with him. I tried everything, yet I'm not getting to him. He's only gonna hurt me, I'm gonna hurt him. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my free time, I just need a release that I'm not getting. I just can't do anything. Yes, I know I'm taking the coward's way out, but at least it's better than trying to stay with someone that gives you punches.
Am I doing something wrong? I honestly don't know anymore. Would I like to care about it? To be honest, I can't stop getting him out of my mind. He's like a splinter I can't get out. It's dug in too deep. I just want him to be happy, I'm failing at it. I don't think he even takes his medicine anymore, it just seems to stop his heart and not his head. I should get away when I still have the chance.
Sky understands, she's been down the same road as me. I think she's right. There's nothing else you can do. Yes, she's right. I gave it my all, did the best I could possibly do. There's nothing wrong with trying and there's nothing wrong with stopping. I'm just done with it.
*airport terminal dings*
*a sigh of remorse, followed with a heavy heart and chest*
Goodbye, Matthew.
—
KAYLON: Hey. You there?
*some time rolls over*
KAYLON: How are you doing?
KAYLON: Please.
ns 15.158.61.21da2
