Staring down at the bloodied water in the toilet bowl, I grimaced to Vinnie who turned his head to try and decipher it from under the flashlight of his phone.
"Is it...?"
"I'm not sure" he bent closer "I'm mean, it's chunky."
I gagged at the word, shuddering.
"Don't say it like that."
"Right" he realized "sorry."
I had no clue what I was looking at. It looked like period blood staining the water and rim, but there were floating bits within it. There were large clots. The middles were black. Gradually they peeled out to red that floated about.
I had panicked and shouted for Vinnie to come in. But now that he was here, I wasn't sure if I was just overreacting.
Was that it?
"Do I...?"
I rested my hand on the button. Vinnie glanced to me, grimacing again.
"Maybe...." he hesitated, groaning "take a photo? As proof?"
Tawn could see heat signatures. I'm sure he would realize something was up in the next few days when his eyes usually lingered.
I was still bleeding. I could feel the slime dribbling into the cheap pad I wore under the sleeping pants.
I hate being this wet and gross. Even after Ezra, the stickiness and pain never went away.
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I had nowhere to wash, so I did my best with multiple makeup wipes I stole from the dressers at work and flushed away.
Vinnie drove me to the shops and we loaded up with groceries while I gritted through the stabbing.
Using the Icecream as a ice pack, I added the thickest pads to the pile of things meant to take my mind from it all.
We set up the couch with blankets and a fort of food, waiting for our comedy movie to download.
Then, the bleeding got worse.
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I didn't know if it was anything significant or an actual period. The timing was too coincidental. But it was also too fast.
It felt like clots. The cramps and fire were usual pain. Nothing seemed different, or what I had thought it would be like.
Those could be them. We could also just be staring at a bunch of period blood, trying to scrutinise it.
It was nothing. It had to be.
Did I still snap a shot? As proof, in case Tawn started asking?
I could say I miscarried and move on. It'd be convenient.
Or I could make him believe they were still in there. He'd marvel over Ezra's babies, thinking they were the ones I was possibly about to flush away.
Could he tell? Would he be able to smell the difference or see it?
It'd be too risky. I'd have to tell him about the miscarriage.
Pulling out my phone, I steadied it for the shot as Vinnie lit it up. Grimacing through it, I made sure the clots were visible through the blood tainting the water and the shadow being cast over them from us.
Then, I flushed it all away.
That photo was all I had. My gut churned even looking back on it.
"Send it later" Vinnie put down his phone to spill light into the small room and rubbed his hand over my back as I started to shake again "we've got to take care of you now."
I nodded, trying not to let it get to me.
"Come on" he tilted his head out the door "come and relax. You can't be straining yourself."
I felt more blood pooling between my legs. It mushed against my body, making me aware of how full the pad was already.
"I'm going to have another hot shower" I decided "then we can get started on the movie."
I smiled hopefully. Vinnie sympathized, leaving me be with the little light.
With the door closed, I turned on my own to place down and cast more shadows on the walls. I peeled off my pants to see my inner thighs soaked with smeared, chunky blood. The inside of my pants had been stained too, glaring back when I pulled up the crotch to see how far it spread.
Peeling off my underwear, I let the toilet catch the rest of the blood as I snatched up my phone, hunching over it.
I pulled up Tawn's contact. His photo was the one of us he kept saved as his background. I had the original that I cropped myself out of so it was just his smiling face staring at me from the little circle. He was so young there. He looked almost like Levi rather than the stranger he was now.
Below the innocent face, all of our last conversations were still here.
Tawn was playfully begging me to save him from Loreen and her favourite alcohol she was feeding him. There was a laughing face and prayer hands. Under that was a repeating gif of a snake vomiting an endless wave of rainbow.
It made me giggle back then. It made me smile and snort now through prickling tears.
That had been nearly five days ago. It felt like a lifetime with the way things were between us.
My fingers hovered. They pressed the bubble, leaving when I realized I didn't know how to start the conversation.
He wouldn't be able to see it anyway. He was going to be blind tonight.
Did I make use of that and send a message? Deal with the reply when he could focus on his phone again?
I opened the message bubble again, feeling my gut clench as more blood dribbled down.
Hey.
I sent it, cringing at how simple it all was after everything.
We need to talk.
Staring at it, it wasn't right either. It was too serious, too quick.
How did you break the news about something like this?
Backspacing, I was met with a blank screen again.
I had a miscarriage.
Was that too forward? It wasn't sugar-coating anything, that's for sure.
No. I couldn't send that.
Backspacing again, I was aware of the dots jumping along the lines, signalling my horrible approach at this conversation.
Did I....?
I lost the babies? I don't know what this is; will you take a look when you can?
It was all wrong. There was no way I could cushion the blow of something like this.
It could be nothing. I'd make him worry for nothing.
But I wouldn't bleed like this over nothing. My gut was fucking slaughtering me after having it minced by Ezra.
If I knew.... fuck.
He absolutely shredded me up. No wonder I was turning the water red.
Tawn didn't have to know about that. I was being silly.
But still....
I clutched the phone tightly, grimacing through another stab and twist.
It would be nice to have his support. He always put me first.
Would....?
I sniffled, trying to hold back the tears by tilting my head upwards to catch them.
Would Ezra be like him?
"Hey, El?"
There was a little knock at the door.
Did Vinnie hear me?
Wiping my eyes frantically, I tried to stop my voice choking.
"Y-yeah?"
It was obvious I had been crying. The betrayal only made my lip quiver more.
"Flower messaged me. Nice girl. I gave her your number. She says she has something to send you."
Flower? Which one was that?
"Who?"
"The African dog?" Vinnie sighed back "no-one knows... anyway, she's very sweet. I told her not to ring. She'll text you."
Looking down at my phone washing light over my feet, I flicked back to my wall of messages.
Sure enough, a strange number introducing itself to me had been messaging while I was preoccupied with Tawn.
Hey, it's Flower, one of the sound techs from work.
Frowning at the first message, I moved to the next.
Save my number. Bruce wants to pull you from chandelier. With Lumi gone, he needs a new girl who can fill her place.
"WHAT?!"
"What?" Vinnie panicked now, knocking again frantically "can I come in?"
"I'm on the toilet..."
The door opened and I was suddenly in the spotlight, cringed at sitting there with my arse exposed and pants snuggled against my knees. I bent forward, trying to hide myself.
"I've seen it all before; older sisters" he dismissed my embarrassment as he darted to my side "what did she say?"
Looking back at the phone, Flower had sent a picture of a piece of paper containing lyrics. It was so old that it had yellowed. There were marks along the sides and pen notes on where breaks should be in the song.
"I can't do this!" I gasped to Vinnie who promptly snatched my phone to read the texts for himself, scoffing at the demands "I can't sing! I'm a horrible singer!"
I hadn't tried since I had been in school. I was always mocked for my shaky tunes we played off for laughs. The closest I had to any sort of practice was a song or two I would follow along to if it was played on the plug-in radio. It had broken last year.
"She's sent a sound file" Vinnie eyed me.
"A what?!"
Grabbing my phone back, I saw the voice waves of whatever was packaged inside. The play button was right at the front, demanding to be pressed.
"What if it's her?" I grimaced.
"It'll be fine" Vinnie sighed at my creeping anxiety "turn it up, play it."
Holding down the volume button on my phone, I stabbed the file.
There was a moment of silence. I glanced to Vinnie who shrugged before Lumi's voice froze us.
It was the song she sang every night; the one we timed our routine to. Her voice had been recorded perfectly; cleaned up so that it sounded like she was right here in the bathroom with us, echoing off the dancing tiles.
"Are you lip-syching?" Vinnie whispered through the voice I turned down in shock "the lyrics, the voice..."
I was frozen. Nothing else mattered now. I bled freely as my brimming eyes widened at Vinnie.
I couldn't do that. I wasn't a singer like her. I couldn't sing at that level!
"How hard is it to learn that?"
"That?" Vinnie pointed a finger to the phone still warbling "fucking impossible before tomorrow."
"Vinnie!" I groaned, leaning back and sobbing.
How on earth was I supposed to do all of this?!
"What?" he grew defensive "it's true! You can't do that."
Lumi started to sing again, taunting me. I could hear the smile in her voice as she sang with everything she had. She had put it all into her last show, not knowing she would live on through someone else.
I didn't want to be the one up there stealing her voice. I didn't want her hateful eyes turned up at me from the crowd as she watched her dedication and dignity being fed through me.
I'd be Nisha's new partner. He'd have eyes for me, like he did with her; like they all did with whoever sang for them.
"Fuck no" I shook my head, shivering "no, no, no!"
Waving my arms, I paused the file and placed my phone down on the tiles beside me, nudging it and the light away with my foot.
"I can't" I stared at the beacon "not that."
"El" Vinnie bent down to scoop it up and check the messages "look, she's fully supportive. She gets it. Oh! She wants to ring you!"
"No!" I cried out and rolled at the toilet paper, shaking my head frantically as tears snaked down my cheeks "mmm nnnn. I'm having a hot shower. Turn around so I can wipe."
Vinnie placed my phone on the sink to help aid me and faced the door when I flicked a finger at him. Wiping, the paper smeared with blood and sticky white webbing.
I carefully rolled off more.
"I'm not doing it. He can get one of the other girls to sing. Viva! She'd look good up there with her colourful hair and shave patch!"
"Bruce put her in the bar" Vinnie told the door in defeat "she's really getting good at Cumshots."
Bitterness swelled and I bit my trembling lip.
"I don't care if she's an expert at bloody Cum Showers!" I hissed as my raising voice warbled and I viciously tore off more paper to swipe my legs with uselessly "I can't do it! I won't! He's going to have to fuck himself!"
Vinnie stood there, remaining quiet for a while, his head bent.
"Flower agrees" he held up his phone, about to turn around.
"Face the door" I snarled as I stood to rip off more paper and swipe it through the mess with a groan "I'm fucking dying. How am I supposed to sing like that while my insides are falling out?"
Whimpering and sniffling, I pulled my pants back up. Reaching over to turn on the shower, I saw my fingers were stained and the back of my hand had a long, stringy clot on it. The taps had shadowed smears that glowed bright red when light washed over them.
I turned to see Vinnie facing me. His glistening eyes dropped to my hands I scrubbed under the water. He closed the toilet lid and flushed, placing his lit phone on top so that he could pull me into a hug when a pained sob escaped at seeing the mess wash away.
"I'll get blood on you" I tried to push him away.
"I've got more clothes" he replied.
"You'll get wet" I squinted at the shower pouring down. The water mist was being sprayed out to where we were standing.
"I've had drinks thrown at me" Vinnie dismissed my concern "I've been spat on. This is nothing."
He held me in a tight hug. Pressing his hand on the back of my head, I resisted momentarily until I found his warm chest.
My body shook. Whining, I tried to breathe through my already blocked nose and dribbling mouth.
"I don't know what's happening" I clutched onto his shirt.
"I don't either, but we can get through it together, right?" he rested his chin on top of mine, stroking a comforting path along my back "friends don't let friends bleed to death in shitty, dark bathrooms."
I snorted at his joke, choking.
"You ok?" his head bent down towards mine.
I shook mine, trembling and quivering. Everything about me was a wreck.
"I should use the shower" I tried to smile back "before they cut off the hot water."
Vinnie let out a breath and agreed, slowly peeling off me.
A smudge of blood smeared down his own legs. He looked to it and reached around me to turn up the temperature of the water.
"I'll get you and me some clothes" he smiled "and then we are going to forget about the Lumi thing for tonight."
"But..."
"Uh uh, no 'buts'" he tutted "we can sort that all out tomorrow. That is work stuff and this is you stuff. We are going to watch a funny movie and eat all the shit food we normally wouldn't be able to."
I smiled back, sniffling and wiping snot on the back of my hand.
"Like the musk sticks we got today?"
Vinnie grinned, rolling his eyes.
"Like those foul perfumed pieces of shit" he smirked and pointed to me when I started to protest playfully "have a shower. I've got everything sorted. I bought a proper torch, for one."
"Look at you, Mr Medieval."
Vinnie shook his head at my quip as he checked I had enough light from the phones. He felt his way out the door he closed and slid his hand along the wall towards the lounge room.
I heard it go past me and gave it a little knock. He replied with his own down the wall, causing me to smile at the cheekiness.
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Showering in the illuminated dark was comforting.
I couldn't see the mess running down my legs, for one. Each pass of soap between my legs only bought with it more blood and stringy lumps that crawled down the plughole.
I couldn't see my towel as it steadily matched the darkness surrounding me. I tried not to linger on it, scrunching up the wetness and dropping it down so I could focus on getting changed before my shameful rush to the laundry.
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I washed my hands before picking up the nightgown Vinnie had left me. It was one of my many cheap, comedic ones; usually bought when stock wasn't moving quick enough.
This one was pink tie dye and stamped with a scraggly cat on it that held a cup of coffee underneath the bubbled words 'i woke up like this.'
He also chose out one of the first pairs of underwear out of my drawer, along with one of my new pads.
The undies were light; far too valuable to bleed into. The darker ones would have been more suitable, but he was trying.
Dropping the nighty over my body, I stuck the pad to the undies I wedged up as high as I could to try and prevent leakage. Already, I could feel it soaking up whatever was running out of me.
Snatching up my phone and the towel I held away from my fresh clothes, I dipped and darted for the old ones still crumpled on the ground.
The laundry was right opposite my room. It was a tiny room that could barely be called that. It was more like a closet that had a single clunky machine in it I had snagged for one hundred bucks about three years ago.
Hanging overhead was a slanting shelf I stored my cheap powder on. If I was lucky, I even got the scented fabric softener to go with it. But, I had prioritized food over comfort. The softener would have to wait longer. I couldn't remember the last time I had it.
"You good?" Vinnie called out when I dumped in the clothes and towel, draping the noisy chains over the shelf.
"Yeah!" I called out as I slid open the drawer to stuff as much powder into it that I could "just getting things sorted! Shower is free!"
I heard him moving. The couch creaked as he left it.
I should have washed the blood first in hot water, but that would mean if have to hand scrub them in the shower blindly, then trail the dripping fabric through to the laundry. With someone else here, that normal behavior suddenly felt shameful.
I knew Vinnie wouldn't judge, but I was still paranoid he'd tell someone about how poorly I was living already.
The bathroom door closed. I was safe again for now.
Closing the door behind me, the washer bashed and beat in place. The door muffled some of the noise that had Vinnie checking immediately.
"Just the clothes" I smiled when I saw his illuminated head poking outwards in concern "it does that sometimes."
It was all the time, but he didn't need to know that.
He just gave me a look of worry then disappeared again.
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With him occupied, I shot into my bedroom.
Frantically riffling through my drawer beside my mattress, I pulled out my preferred period undies and transfered the pad.
Torn and fraying, I didn't worry about staining these ones. Rescuing the undies I had on, I thought i had been lucky. There was a semicircle of blood around the leg hole.
Grumbling at the inconvenience, I dropped them on the floor.
The washer locked once it was on. I wouldn't be able to just add these in. I'd have to wait the two hour cycle before I could try and wedge it in with more dirty clothing.
Hand washing with soap it would have to be. I could already tell they would stain by the time I'd be free to do it without Vinnie nearby.
Dropping down onto my mattress, I cradled my phone that cast shadows over the walls.
Vinnie said now was for me, but I was still worried about what was going to be expected of me tomorrow at work.
Would I have to strip out of the dress like Lumi did during her act? I'd be bleeding everywhere. The whole town would see my coated legs and tears of humiliation.
Tawn wouldn't be there to support me either. It was already terrifying me what he would do once he found out had happened to his babies. He threatened me just through disagreement; he'd kill me when he knew.
Flicking back through my contacts, I saw Tawn still hadn't read my last message.
He was going to be out of it all night. Still, some comfort would be nice.
Maybe if I rang him?
My finger hovered, fretting.
Fuck it. If he picked up, I'd figure that all out when it came to it.
I stabbed it and bit my lip as I heard the faint whirring before pressing it to my ear.
I could hear the splattering of the water as Vinnie showered. The washer still tried to bash it's way from the closet. My bedsprings groaned at my shifting weight over them.
"Hey, it's Tawn!" a cheerfully younger voice laughed down my ear.
"And it's Elgress!" my innocent self giggled.
I could hear the chatter of performers in the background that had left years ago. A chorus of conversations and sound testing was happening. Somewhere, guitar strings were being plucked and the feedback from a mic briefly squealed. This recording was seven years old. Tawn had pulled me backstage to make this before we were due to rehearse.
"And we are performing at the moment so I can't take the call" Tawn smiled through his rushed message "so leave a message after the beep."
"Beep!" we both laughed out before the actual tone drilled through me, shaking me back to the dark room I sat alone in.
"Hey, it's Elgress" I smiled at the silence, trying to think of what I was going to say "it's been a while since you haven't picked up. You've still got that old tone. Hey..." I paused, smiling at the memory of how sneaky we thought we were being in that moment "...I'd like to talk to you. I, uh..." my voice squeezed on itself to choke me "I really need someone to tell me about this and make sure I'm not overreacting. Just..." I paused to push my head back and blink away the forming tears, gasping out the constriction in my voice "....I hope you get better soon. I'm fine. Ok, bye."
Pressing the red button, the call ended. Cradling the phone again, I didn't want to stand up too quickly and send a new flood into my pants, so I just sat.
I wanted him to ring me back, frantic about me. He'd ask about what was wrong and comfort me through what I thought I had seen and felt. He'd remind me of better times to distract me and we would make up like nothing had happened between us. We'd go back to how we were in that old voice recording. Tawn didn't scare me back then and I was still oblivious to what I'd get myself into with him just a few years later. We'd make bread and butter pudding together, like we were supposed to. I bought all the ingredients.
I wouldn't be here, bleeding in the dark. Ezra wouldn't have....
Choking back a sob, I felt the burn of how badly he had torn me up inside.
Tawn wouldn't understand the pain. He'd only see how I had betrayed him. He'd hate me even more.
Maybe I shouldn't have called? Maybe the voice message was a bad idea?
The phone remained silent. I heard the taps in the shower squeaking to signal that Vinnie was about to get out. He'd be upset if he caught me in here, crying alone in my room.
Setting my phone up on the bedside table, I plugged the charger in and found the courage to face the instant wetness spilling down.
When it stopped, I left the room and blindly guided my way to the light illuminating from around the door of the bathroom.
Pausing there, I could hear Vinnie getting changed. With him still occupied, I shuffled on to the lounge room.
My blanket was here to hang over the lounge. A nest of junk food and soft drinks was circling the gap where we would sit. My musk sticks took priority in the middle of the gap so I would see them.
Smiling at the gesture, I stood there to take it in.
He really was a good guy. He cared so much about someone like me.
The door opened and I was met with the phone light before it quickly lowered.
Vinnie had picked out a nighty for himself too. It was an old yellow one with a faded chick on the front below the words 'beauty sleep ain't cheap!'
It had been on special since no-one wanted to buy it. It brushed above his knees from how tall he was. Still, the oversized fabric fit him.
Snorting, I giggled at him. He did a twirl, popping out his leg and pulling out the nighty elaborately.
"You like it?" he grinned "I'm working it! They should let us wear these at Paragon!"
"No!" I laughed and covered my face "imagine! No...."
"Imagine" he slid up next to me as laughter tainted his voice "everyone on nighties, balls out. Nisha, Tawn, Avery..."
Letting out a laugh, I felt Vinnie pat my shoulder.
"Does Avery even have balls?" I tried to steady myself.
Vinnie shrugged, flopping into the couch and patting the gap beside him.
"Only one way to find out" he grinned.
"Nighties?" I knew where he was going immediately.
"Nighties" he nodded back.
What an idiot. I shook my head, smiling at him.
"I chose a comedy" he commented as he turned off the torch and set down the phone, moving over so I could huddle against him and leech the warmth radiating out "I think we could do with a good laugh. It's got that chick in it; Merinda Connels."
I groaned, knowing exactly the exaggerated and sometimes exhausting roles she usually played.
"It'll be good" Vinnie reassured me "it'll be a surprise for us both. I haven't seen it yet either."
Like that made it any better. I just looked to Vinnie who accepted my judgement with a smile and prompt reach for the chip bag he popped open.
The familiar sound of drums and trumpets started to beat, signalling the start of the movie. The logo panned into view, as it had done for decades.
Staying close, I felt myself relaxing. There was nothing to do in this moment but eat food and watch a stupid movie in the dark.
For now, the pain wasn't my concern. The heat was helping soothe the sharp edges twisting my gut. I could eat without worrying about how much I had left for tomorrow. In the fridge, the ingredients for my next filling meal sat hopefully; trying to preserve what coldness they had left in the confinement. Soon, I'd have the money to turn my power back on and afford real food that wasn't just snacks.
Maybe Vinnie was onto something with his videos? Perhaps living like his idol was easier than huddling together in the dark? I had already proven that I could get by without most basic essentials anyway.
For now, the only thing expected of me was to laugh at this comedy and share the good food being passed to me. If I could hold on to this wonderful feeling forever, I'd be one very happy woman.
ns 15.158.61.48da2
