My head hurt the morning after. Too many intense emotions trying to be brought in all in one moment.
I showered and got dressed. My dad's car wasn't in the driveway but he left a note on the kitchen counter.
Register for classes today.
Oh, right. I kind of hoped he'd forgotten about that.
I grabbed my keys and headed towards campus. I decided it'd be better to go to the administration office myself rather than be on hold for hours.
I found the closest parking I could find and walked over to the admin building. There weren't many cars out front because it was summer time and most staff were away on vacation. I walked up to the front office and the lady gave me a slip and told me to sit down and wait. Once my ID number was called I went to the back and sat with my advisor who was some nerdy looking kid who looked only a few years older than me.
"Okay, it says here you're already registered for online only for this term. Is that correct?"
"Yeah."
"Well can I ask what made you decide to change to in person classes?"117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ240scL4S0
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I shrugged. The man was visibly irritated as he typed away on his keyboard and clicked his mouse a few times.
"Okay so most of the classes you need are full. There are two classes you can take that can go towards your degree but you can only choose one because these courses run into each other time wise."
"Okay."
"Okay we have, Anatomy and Physio II or Physics."
He grabbed his keyboard and pulled it closer in prepared for my answer. I'd have to come to campus more frequently if I take anatomy but Physics isn't my strong suit. I guess it just came down to which sacrifice I was willing to make. I guess coming to class more often wouldn't be as bad if I already know the material.
"I'll do Anatomy."
His fingers clicked the keyboard swiftly and with two clicks of his mouse he was finished.
"Is there anything else you want to do?"
I shook my head and he closed his desktop and lead me back to the main exit. I started walking back through campus to my car and heard yelling in the distance.
"Tommy!" Someone shouted my name. I turned to see a girl and two guys walking in my direction. Frankie and my two old friends from last semester.
"Hey Tommy! It's been forever since I've seen you how've you been?" Gio patted my back and looked at West. West was standing there like he'd seen a ghost. I guess I was almost like a ghost to them. I kind of went off the grid, after hanging out with them every single day I disappeared.
"You look different Tom."
"Yeah I guess I lost a couple pounds." I scratched my neck looking around for a way out of this conversation.
"What're you doing on campus?" Frankie asked me. She seemed surprised to see me herself because I haven't been on campus for months. I don't think she expected to see me again.
"Registering for class." I spoke.
Her eyebrows raised to her forehead and she narrowed her eyes. "You take all online classes I thought?"
"I decided to switch one of my classes to in person. Thought it'd be good to get out the house more."
"The gangs back together?" Gio nudged me while smirking.
"We better get going." Frankie cut out interaction short. She appeared nervous about something but I wasn't sure of what. I knew it wasn't my place to ask so I dismissed it and left them.
I went home, did homework, then slept.
The next couple weeks before classes started, the only thing keeping me from staying in my room the entire day was therapy. It wasn't enjoyable but I knew my dad was happy that I was going and my mom probably would've wanted me too. I was doing it for them and for Frankie. I know our chances of getting back together were nonexistent but the least I could do was try not to depress everyone else around me with my presence. She made me realize that she might not have been the only person that felt burdened by me.
Gio and West stopped talking to me two weeks after I switched to online. It wasn't entirely their fault, I was a pain in the ass and hard to be around. She was the only one that kept up with me after everything so I still had lingering feelings for her, but I knew not to act on them. I thought maybe if I got better, she'd change her feelings about me and want us to start over.
Kind of stupid of me to think but it was just a thought.
I started school a few weeks after our encounter and it was my first day back on campus. It wasn't the worst thing in the world but it wasn't an enjoyable experience. I had walked into my lecture and saw a familiar brunette laughing with West. It was Frankie.
Finally, people I know.
I walked over to the empty seat beside Frankie. "Mind if I sit here?" She shot up and looked at me with a blank stare. "Why don't you sit next to me T?" West offered. I took another look at Frankie but she was looking back at her notebook scribbling something inside of it. "Sure." I opted for sitting next to West. 117Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNJx6Tmypv
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Frankie seemed to be acting weird and but I brushed it off because it really wasn't my business anymore. I had to respect her choice.
The profesor came in and sat at the large desk in front of the class. He was an old man with white hair that stood up. Profesor Burg. He was apparently really boring and did random pop quizzes. He wasn't my first choice but I registered late so I kind of got stuck in here. He spoke highly about himself for the first half hour of class then the rest of the time he read over the syllabus.
As soon as class ended I left without a word. I tried to make it to my car before anyone else spotted me but Gio was standing next to my car waiting for me.
"Tommy! Long time no see." He yelled across the lawn and waved me over. I wanted to walk the other way but he was standing directly in front of where I needed to be. "Hey Gio."
"Dude where've you been? We've missed you over here."
"Yeah just been keeping busy since everything happened." I slipped my hands into my jacket pocket warming them up. "Bro you have to catch up with us, you missed a lot of shit." He patted my shoulder. I backed away slightly so his hand would fall off my shoulder but he tightened his grip.
"You've got to come to the welcome party."
"When is it?"
"Tonight."
"Ohh damn, I can't tonight. I've got this thing with my dad. It's for my mom." I lied.
"Oh shit, I get it. I'll send you the address anyway incase you can, you should swing by."
I nodded and smiled until he finally moved away from the driver seat door. I sat in my car releasing my breath and rested my head back on the seat. I have therapy in 20 minutes. I contemplated skipping today's session but I sucked it up and drove across town.
Once I reached her office I checked in and waited for her to come out. I looked up at the door to see a lady crying and holding a box of tissues. Mrs. Evans stood behind her rubbing her back looking concerned but also upset herself. Once the lady calmed down a bit more she hugged her and sent her over to the exit before whispering something in her ear. The lady nodded her head and left the building with dried tears.
"Thomas Keen?"
I got up and walked back to the hallway following behind her all the way to her office. We sat down in our usual unassigned seating and she poured water in her pink mug.
"Would you like some water?" I shook my head.
"So tell me, how have things been for you this week?" I shrugged as my usual response to her series of how are you today or how have you been questions. It's always the same answer so I didn't bother wasting any time speaking about it.
I don't think we've made much progress. Therapy is useless. I didn't feel the need to talk about feelings that weren't there. I hate to make her job harder but this was a big waste of time. I was only here to make my dad happy but he was so busy he probably wouldn't notice if I stopped going. I contemplated faking showing up and lying to him but they'd probably notify him I didn't show since his card is under the account.
"Thomas? Where'd you go just then?"
"Hm?"
"Just now. Where are your thoughts drifting to?"
"Nowhere. I'm here." I confirmed. She tried to hide the confusion on her face but it was prevalent. She was probably ready to give in and refer me to a different therapist.
"I want to try something." She closed her notebook and placed it on the table. I watched as she got up and opened the drawer under her desk. She brought out some notecards and a marker and placed them in front of me. I looked at them stupidly not sure what she wanted me to do with them.
"I've noticed you're not comfortable with talking. Maybe it'll feel better for you to write how you feel." I stared at the cards still sitting on the table. She grabbed one of the cards and wrote three words down and turned it over for me to view.
I feel alright today.
She flashed a faint smile before putting the card on her lap and pushing her glasses up. "Your turn. You can write whatever you want."
I grabbed the marker and held it over the blank notecard. I didn't know what to write. I couldn't write how I felt because it wasn't really a describable feeling. Happy? Sad? Angry? Numb? I couldn't tell. The marker stood frozen between my fingertips as I carefully rummaged through my mind for what to write. After a few minutes I glided the ink to the white surface and traced words onto the paper. Satisfied with the answer I'd written down I flipped it around so that she could read it.
"I can't feel anything." She read quietly. Her eyebrows scrunched for a second before returning to their regular position. "How long have you felt this way?"
"I don't know. Since my mom died I think." I shrugged.
"When is the last time you felt that you were able to express a genuine emotion?" She grabbed her notebook again and jotted information down.
"I don't know. I don't remember." I shrugged again.
"Emotional numbness or detachment is normal for people who experience losing a loved one. It's a common occurence to feel disconnected from the world around you or even your own personal feelings." She scratched something out on her paper and closed her notebook once more. "Okay well, I think we've made a bit of progress today and I have an assignment for you. I want you to write down how you feel when you feel it. It can be to me or in a private journal or these notecards. If you feel a strong sense of confusion, guilt, anger, or anything else, I want you to write it down, wherever you are."
I gave her a final nod and we left her office.
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