Our next session arrived sooner than I anticipated.
I was still a little embarrassed from our last encounter where I was over emotional and anxious. My mom always told me expressing emotions and being vulnerable was normal didn't make me less of a man but I just hated feeling weak around anyone. Now that she's gone my one regret is not being more open to her.
I showed up in the office and sat in the waiting room for Summer to call me in. Identical to last week, a lady crying walked out into the waiting room followed by Summer who was looking at her with the same amount of worry as the last time. Once she left she called me in and we sat across from each other as usual. "How're you feeling today Thomas?"
"I'm okay."
"I know that last we spoke you were feeling anxious. Have you felt that way since our last conversation?" I shook my head. "That's great! I know I mentioned it before but I'm so proud of you. I know it took a lot to communicate your feelings. What made you decide to text me that night?"
"I don't know. I knew you wouldn't judge me." She flashed a warm smile.
"I will never judge you for your emotions. I want you to know this is a safe space. Do you have any other other concerns you wanted to bring up or do you want to continue talking about your mom?" I thought about it for a second. I wasn't really in the mood to talk about anything sad so I switched the conversation over to her.
"Why does that lady always leave crying?" She tilted her head and stopped writing. "I can't disclose information about other patients."
"You can't disclose any information about yourself either?" She pushed her thick rimmed glasses up from the bottom of her nose and shifted in her seat. "Well, yes but nothing that can compromise my safety or trigger patients."
"Like?"
"My address, personal number, or any personal information that might put me in danger or distract from the session."
"Can I ask your age or is that not allowed?"
"I'm 24." 24? That's awfully young to be a psychologist.
"You must've graduated early to be a therapist that young."
"Yes I did." She laughed at my shock. "Speaking of school, how has that been for you?"
"It's boring."
"How have things been with," she looked down at her notes, "Frankie and West? Have you talked to them since Thursday?" I shook my head. I didn't really want to talk about that night, I was still sort of embarrassed about it so I changed the subject once again.
"Why were you up that late?" I question hoping she didn't avoid it again.
"I was already up looking over some papers for work." She finally spoke after hesitating for a second.
"Do you always stay up that late?" I leaned in, interested in what her answer would be.
"Thomas, we aren't here for me." She sternly answered. I could tell she was trying to stay on topic but I couldn't help pushing her buttons a little.
"It's just, you know so much about me but I know nothing about you. Opening up would be easier if I knew who I was opening up to." I observed her internal debate, sensing some hesitation. "What would you like to know?" She eventually gave in. I held in a smile knowing I accomplished switching the focus off of me. However I didn't expect her to allow me to ask any questions so I had none prepared. I scratched my head thinking deeply about what I could ask.
"Why are you a psychologist?" I decided on an easy one first. She closed her journal and laid it on the floor under the chair. "I became a psychologist to help people who struggled with mental and physical abuse or dealing with grief. It's very rewarding but it's hard work." Satisfied with her answer she smiled towards the end of her sentence.
"How do you handle dealing with so many depressed people without getting depressed?" This time, her answer didn't come as quickly as the last question. A flash of an unidentifiable emotion appeared and she switched positions in her chair. I wasn't the best at deciphering people's emotions but she seemed uncomfortable with the question. After searching for an answer she finally spoke.
"It takes a lot of discipline and boundaries. We are only allowed to care for a specific number of patients for that exact reason." Her smile wavered. "I'll give you one more question then we're going to wrap up our session today."
"Why is the name on your door Meyers?" I looked at the ring on her finger and she covered it. I looked back up at her to see she was looking passed me outside the window.
"I was married." Her voice dipped lower than it's usual cheerfulness as she cleared her throat. Shit I should've pieced that together.
"I'm sorry." I expressed my regret through an apology.
"No worries. I'm glad we got a bit more acquainted and I hope that helped you get to know me a bit more so it'll be a bit easier for you to share more of yourself." She switched over to her therapist voice but I could tell that last question hit a nerve. "It was nice speaking with you Thomas I look forward to Thursday." With that she got up and headed towards the exit. I followed behind watching her play with her ring before slipping it off discreetly. She shoved her hands in her dress pants and we said our last goodbye.
I sat in my car in front of the building because I didn't want to go home to my dad asking me hundreds of questions about therapy. I listened to music scrolling through the apps on my phone. I was so bored I downloaded candy crush and started playing it. The sun was starting to set earlier in the day and it was getting dark. 5:01 I should get home. I've been in the parking lot for almost two hours. I started my car about to reverse out of the parking lot but then I saw Summer walking out of the building along with two other ladies. They were all carrying files and speaking amongst each other. I saw her wave goodbye to the two women and go off in the opposite direction to her car.
I watched her attentively as she placed her bag and a folder of files in the back seat. After starting her car she gripped the steering wheel in position to drive off but she closed her eyes instead. Moments later she buried her face into her palms. The subtle movements of her body suggested she was crying. This is wrong, I should leave and not pry into her life.
I couldn't bring myself to drive away and ignore what was in front of me. I didn't go up to her car or anything but I just sat in my car until she raised her head from her hands. Which wasn't until an entire hour later. She lifted her head up and even with the distance between our cars I could still tell she was in tears. She gripped her hair, holding the right side of her head and looked at her phone before driving away. I ducked my head under my dash so she wouldn't see I was in the car watching her entire breakdown.
She was so good at concealing her reactions during our sessions so it was so unexpected to see her this way. Although I wanted to check up on her and call or text, I knew it wouldn't be smart considering the circumstance. I just went home and tried to forget about it.
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