It's now been seven months since my mother died.
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Life's been the same. Same routine. Same schedule. Same numbness.
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It feels like just yesterday that my dad had his cocktail party and that lady approached me with that card. It's been almost a month since that day but somehow the time has blended over and it feels like it was last night. I had it pinned on my wall with a note next to it written in all caps reading CALL THERAPIST.
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I haven't gotten around to it and ended up deciding I didn't need to talk to a random stranger.
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Frankie texted me today asking me how I was and if I was willing to get lunch with her. I just stared at the text not sure what to say.
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Frankie is my ex girlfriend. We dated for a year and some months before everything with my mom happened. I broke it off with her the day of the funeral and she was understanding but it didn't make her cry less. I just stood there and watched her cry because as sorry as I felt I couldn't pretend to be there for her anymore. I was a shell of the person I once was and I knew that it wouldn't be enough for her to stay happy with me. Since then, I'd completely transferred back to online school and haven't spoke to my friends from university. She's the only one that's checked on me periodically.
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I should go to lunch with her.
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She's been there when everyone else left. I owe her that at least.
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I blow a breath out before hovering my finger on the call button. Just as I was going to press it her caller ID came up in big letters with a heart next to it. I never got around to changing it.
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"Hello? Tommy?"
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"Hey, I was just about to call you?"
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"Somehow I find that hard to believe." Her laughter traveled through the phone. It was refreshing to hear someone laugh.
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"So are you going to take me up on lunch? It's been forever since we've eaten together and I miss you."
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"Sure. I'll pick you up in an hour."
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"Really?!" Shock mixed with excitement was connected to her tone.
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"Sure, why not."
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"Okay. See you then!"
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I closed my phone and laid back on my pillow staring at the ceiling. Did I make the right call? What if she notices I'm different? Maybe I should cancel.
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No, I'll go. I haven't had a decent human interaction in a while and it'll be nice to see her.
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I turned the knob of the shower and climbed in. I closed my eyes and let the warm droplets hit my body. I thought back to my mom and my last memory of her. She came into my room the night before she killed herself and she said, "Goodnight Tommy, I love you." I told her goodnight but I didn't say I love you back which is probably the biggest regret I'll ever have in my entire life. I didn't know that was my last time every speaking to her, to me it was like every other night. "Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow." Then tomorrow came and went and I never saw her.
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I shook my head rubbing my face with the water that was running down. I got out of the shower and put on jeans and a green sweater. I hope that she isn't dressing up because this is the best I'll do.
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I drove over to her place which was only fifteen minutes out from my house.
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I texted her when I arrived and got out to wait for her in front of my car. She opened her front door and turned to look at me. It was like looking at a stranger. She looked almost completely different. Her once short hair had grown past her shoulders down her back and was dyed from blonde to almost a dark brown. She had a short black skirt and low cut sweater on that hugged her body. It was going to be fall soon but wasn't quite warm yet so she held her jacket on her arm. She looked different from what I remembered but still just as beautiful.
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"Hi stranger." She spoke as she approached me. I stood there awkwardly not knowing what to say and she gave me a hug.
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"Frankie, you look very pretty."
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"Thank you! Do you like my new hair? I can't remember if you saw it dyed or not."
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"It looks great. It suits you."
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She tucked her hair behind her ear and gave a shy smile. I opened the door for her to get in and we drove off on the main road. I noticed her glancing at me frequently but couldn't tell if it was a worried look or if she was just happy to see me.
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We got to a small cafe just outside of the downtown area and sat outside under a green umbrella. It was a nice day out. A little windy but sunny and the trees were colorful.
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"You look nice." She smiled.
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"Thank you, as do you." I tried to match her vibrancy but failed.
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"How have you been?" She said trying to carry the conversation.
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"I've been...okay." She nodded and sipped on her drink. "How about you? you look well."
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"Yeah. I've been holding up."
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"Missed you." I attempted to sound sincere but it came out dry and monotone.
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"You did? I couldn't tell, you never call."
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I sat and drank my water and our food came out. I felt weird not knowing what to say to her since it's been so long. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean no to it's just..."
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"I know, I'm sorry. That came out rude." She put her hand on mine. "I actually wanted to have lunch with you so I could talk to you about something."
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My eyebrows pinched together in confusion and I grew curious. "Okay, what is it?"
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She struggled with herself to allow the words to come out. She moved her eyes from me to the table. "I've been seeing someone Thomas."
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Oh.
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I really couldn't be mad at her for moving on so quickly. It's been a good amount of time for her to get over me. Seven months. Almost a year. I understood, now where this was going.
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"You didn't need to tell me that. I'm okay with whatever you decide to do. We aren't together anymore."
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She huffed, her hand still on mine. "I know but...I can't keep checking on you Tommy. I can't watch you waste away and still hope that we'll come back to each other. It doesn't even feel like you want to get better. Not for me. Not for your dad. Not for anyone. It hurts."
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"I am getting better."
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"Getting better? Tom you lost a ton of weight, your pale and you never go out. You don't talk to anyone anymore, not even me. It took you six months to even come to lunch with me and even now it doesn't even feel like you want to be here." Her voice pierced my ears, even though she didn't scream. It was loud and clear. I was holding her back all this time. I never intended on it but that's what was happening.
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I released a deep breath and removed my hand from hers. We both silently got in the car and it was quiet the whole ride home. I thought about what she said. She was right I just was afraid to admit it. I wasn't getting any better.
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Once I dropped her off I got out to talk to her before she could go back inside. "Frankie." She turned around with irritation on her face. "You're right. I'm not getting better. You deserve someone that's able to be there for you in the ways that I'm not able to right now. I'm sorry if you ever felt that I was holding you back and I hope you know from here on out, you won't have to worry about me. I want you to be happy because you deserve it, even if it means we don't talk again. I'll be okay. I promise." I smiled weakly at her hoping my shitty apology would make up for the last seven months.
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She hesitated before hugging me. We both stood there holding each other for a couple minutes and she pulled away.
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"Goodbye, Thomas."
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"Goodbye, Frankie."
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