I sat in the cold chair I always sat in, waiting on Summer to call me in her office. On schedule, I heard her soft voice call out "Thomas Keen?" at exactly 3:00.
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We sat down and she mindlessly poured herself some water. "Would you like some?"
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"Sure."
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She grabbed a glass from the desk, filled it to the top then pushed the glass over to me. I examined her carefully trying to figure her out. She seemed fine today. Well, she seemed fine everyday but I couldn't read her very well. "How are you feeling today?" She gave me a questioning look. I realized I'd been staring at her probably making things uncomfortable so I focused on my water.
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"I feel okay."
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"How were your classes yesterday? Did you get a chance to talk to your friends?"
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"Not exactly. My ex came over."
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"So you guys talked then?"
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"She just came over because she was worried about me. I think she thinks I'm going to end up like my mom and feels responsible for me or something."
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She nodded at me and her eyes fell to her notebook as she continued writing before responding. "Do you still have romantic feelings for her?"
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I thought for a second. I wasn't sure. "There's something there but it's not as strong as it used to be. Especially after she told me she didn't want to keep checking on me, and what West said to her. It feels like she's become someone I don't recognize anymore but It's my fault."
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"Why do you think her being different is your fault?"
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"Because none of this would've happened if I didn't break up with her or if my mom didn't die or if I was able to understand my own feelings and be able to still be there for her the way I was." I said in a single breath.
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"Life changes people. I don't think it's your fault that she became an unrecognizable person to you. I think she adjusted to the world around her shifting the best she knew how just like you did and it's no one's fault. Everyone deals with their emotions differently."
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"How do you deal with sadness?" I turned the conversation to her once again thinking back to Tuesday. Her eyes lowered to her hands and she wiggled her ringless finger between her thighs. "I accept it when it comes, and allow myself to feel it. It comes in waves but it's always better to feel it then to suppress it and have it eat at you." She held her gaze down before looking up at me watching her. I thought back to her in the car and thought to bring it up somehow.
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"Miss Summer, after our last session I saw you in your car. I didn't mean to watch you but I was sitting in my car because I wasn't ready to go home yet but I saw you and you seemed upset about something." I paused. She had her face scrunched up and pushed her glasses up listening to me carefully. "Am I allowed to ask if you're okay?"
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"I'm sorry you saw that, I'm fine." She stated uncomfortably and shifted again in her seat. She checked her watch and closed her notebook. This was the first time I've seen her lose composure during our session. It seemed like she was racking her brain for what to say next. I made things awkward by my confrontation and sort of felt bad. Our eyes met once again.
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"Sorry I didn't mean to be nosey. I was just kind of worried about you." I admitted.
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"It's not your job to worry about me Thomas. I'm perfectly fine. We're here for you, not me."
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"Who's there for you?" I asked challenging her last statement. It came out of a place of genuine care but I knew I was pushing a boundary by continuing to ask about her personal life. She had a far away look on her face as we held eye contact for a second longer. I could tell her eyes were glossing over with them shining more than they usually do. Oh shit, what did I just do? After a couple seconds she regained composure back to her usual therapist mode. She sat up and sipped some water from her mug. "If you're done asking questions about me, I'd like to move on to our next exercise."
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My head hurt trying to figure her out. A second ago she looked like she was on the verge of tears and now she's fine, like nothing ever happened. I scratched my head and let her continue. Despite our session continuing on as usual, my thoughts were wrapped around the fleeting moment we had where she seemed to almost allow herself to be vulnerable in front of me. It was almost unnoticeable because of how quickly she got back into character but I couldn't miss it. Once she walked me out I was tempted to sit in my car again to wait until she got off but I didn't want to feel like a creep.
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I got home and my dad's car was in the driveway which was weird because he usually stayed at work longer. I called around the house for him but the echo of my voice was the only sound I heard back. I went up to my room to work on my english homework and just forgot about it until I heard a feminine giggle down the hallway.
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I opened my door slowly looking around to see what direction it was coming from and figured out it was towards my dad's office. What I saw next I could never prepare myself for. My father's coworker Glenda, straddling him half naked in his office. After looking in through the cracked door I swung it open in anger.
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"What the fuck?"
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After hearing my voice they both looked horrified. Glenda jumped off of him within seconds and grabbed pieces of clothing from the desk and covered her exposed chest. My dad was fully clothed, but his shirt was half buttoned and his tie twisted.
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"Thomas!" He shouted. I gave him one last look of disgust before turning over and grabbing my keys. I heard him call out for me while simultaneously trying to comfort Glenda.
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I sped to the car and pulled out of the driveway. I didn't know where I was going but I couldn't be home.
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I ended up at my mom's grave again. I usually tried to limit my visits to once a month but it seemed like the right thing to do was come see her. I didn't talk this time, instead I just sat and stared down at the flowers I'd placed there last time.
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Once I had some time to think about it, I don't know why I was so upset. He was a 46 year old single man, he was bound to be with someone new. It was inevitable. I just didn't expect it to be so soon.
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It hasn't even been a year yet. It felt like he was betraying my mom by finding another woman to replace her so soon. It was almost like he didn't care about her anymore. I was the only one being forced into "getting better" while he lived life like nothing happened. I didn't even see him cry at her funeral.
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It was starting to get dark so I walked back to my car. A familiar face caught my eye while walking back. A girl with short black hair that fell right above her shoulders and thick rimmed glasses stood in front of a tombstone crouching down. It was Summer.
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I walked over to her just as she was turning around to walk away. "Miss Summer?" She whipped her head around startled at my voice then calmed herself a bit when she figured out it was me.
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"Hi Thomas, you frightened me a little."
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"Sorry."
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"It's okay." She slid her bag up on her shoulder after it slipped down her arm. She wasn't dressed in her usual formal attire, instead of slacks and dress shirt she had on sweatpants and a tight jacket. It was different seeing her dressed casually, it almost made me feel like I was talking to a friend rather than my therapist.
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"Are you here visiting your mom?" She asked.
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"Yeah. What about you?" I hesitated to ask hoping it wasn't too personal of a question.
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"Visiting my ex husband." She said quietly. She seemed more relaxed and open to talking about her personal life outside of the office.
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"I'm sorry." I shot her a troubled look.
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"It's okay." She smiled. Our conversation was closing and she started turning to walk back to where she was going before we started talking. "Have you eaten yet? I mean, did you want to get something to eat with me?" I stumbled through my sentence.
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Amused, she slightly tipped her head to the left with a grin forming on her face. She shook her head allowing a small laugh to come out and finally after a moment she agreed.
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