I got home and buried myself inside of my sheets.
I didn't plan on leaving the house again for the rest of the day but my phone buzzed a few hours into my sleep. It was Gio calling me. I groaned before clicking the green icon.
"Yo! Where you at? It's packed in here." Gio's slurred through his words. "I told you, I've got that thing with my dad." I answered slightly irritated that he called me drunk. "Dude, you can't skip out for a couple hours? Frankie's here and she's super drunk." He knew saying that would make me react because it was evident I still had some sort of feelings left for her. After all, it was my fault we broke up. "Alright, alright. I'll be there." I hung up and showered as fast as I could to get there quickly. I had to park on the road because the driveway was full.
Walking in was a nightmare. I was being pushed and pulled everywhere. The place was hot, humid and reaked of Coors and Bud lite. I wonder what interest I found in partying before, because right now it felt pointless. I couldn't even hear myself talk and every few steps I was tripping over a broken glass or someone's foot. I called Gio back and yelled into the phone looking for any sign of him. I managed to hear him say garage before the call disconnected. I walked to the back of the house through what I hoped was the garage. The first two doors were unsuccessful attempts with people eating each others faces. Behind the third door I found a calmer atmosphere with a beer pong table in the center. I spotted Gio playing against some old acquaintances I'd made my freshman year.
"Hey T I'm glad you could make it. This is Rose a foreign exchange student from Switzerland. She's in our year but she's smarter than us cause school over there is way different."She laughed at his comment and they exchanged a lustful look. Must be his new fling of the month. If I remember correctly he always had a girl on his arm. I guess some things don't change. "Play a game with us?"
"Nah, I'm okay." I declined his offer wanting to just watch them play but he persisted.
"One game." He put his hands up as a plead and I released a breath before agreeing to one game.
Well one game turned into four and I lost every single round. Loser chugs the jungle juice which was a concoction of different liquors and juices. I was drunk to say the least.
"I think you got one more game in you." Gio teased.
"Gio, I'm fucked up." I barely managed to get out. It's been a while since I got wasted so my tolerance was low. "One more." He grinned devilishly. He knew I was wasted and wanted to push limits but I ignored him. "I'm going to see if I can find Frankie."
I walked back into the main house ignoring him calling me lame for tapping out so soon. I was drunk but I wasn't drunk enough to listen to his stupidity. I wandered around the house looking for a brunette with a butterfly tattoo on her neck. That was the one distinguishing feature she had besides her long brown hair that reached down her back. I knew if I saw it, that it was her. I searched the entire building for her and considered that she may have never came or left early. I went to the bathroom but it was occupied. I heard the voice of a boy and a girl on the other side
"We have to go c'mon." The girl sounded distressed. I knew that voice all too well. Before I got a chance to butt in, the male voice began speaking.
"Frankie, c'mon. We'll be quick."The guy begged. "It just doesn't feel right yet. I'm not ready."
"Don't tell me you're still not over Thomas. I was there for you when he wasn't" He spoke again but sounded exasperated. I heard shuffling behind the door and pressed my ear in further to hear more clearly. "It's complicated. His mom died he's been through a lot."
"So what? He's not even the same person anymore, look at him. He's a fucking zombie. He's better off staying in his room for the rest of his life so no one has to pretend to feel sorry for him anymore."
I backed away from the door as their conversation became muffled due to the loud atmosphere. I should've known but for some reason I still felt a little hurt. I stumbled back through the crowd and headed back to the garage where Rose and Gio were. She was sitting on his lap drinking from a solo cup and looked up. "Hi Thomas, back for another game?"
"No, I'm back for another drink." I stole the cup she was sipping from and finished it in one swallow. "Did you find Frankie?" Gio slurred out. I nodded and went to refill the cup and handed it to Rose. The garage door creaked open and drew our attention. Frankie walked in with West and two other people I couldn't recognise. She had an uneasy look on her face when our eyes connected but forced a smile. "Hey guys, Thomas I didn't know you were coming."
"I was just leaving."
"You just got here, stay a while." She commented.
"I've actually been here a while. Where've you been?" I looked back behind her to West standing millimeters away from her leaving her no room to move.
"I had a wardrobe issue and had to change shirts." She spoke nervously. I could tell she was lying because she always tapped her finger on leg when she used to lie. I looked over at West who'd been standing there silently since he'd walked in. "What about you West?"
"I was helping her with her wardrobe issue." He said those last two words sarcastically and his lips turned into a smirk. I narrowed my eyes at him suppressing the anger I felt when he smiled.
"I'm leaving." I dropped the plastic cup on the nearest table and exited the garage. An intense wave of anger swept over me. A gentle hand made contact with my skin, prompting me to discover Frankie holding my arm, visibly concerned. I dismissively pulled myself free from her grip and continued until I reached my car.
I thought the drive home would make calm down but it just left me with an overwhelming and inexpressible sense of pain. I got home and paced my room. I wasn't sure what emotion I was feeling. I paced my room hoping I'd feel a little better but the feeling stayed and a pressure in my chest grew. My room felt like a furnace and despite turning my fan on I still felt like I was overheating. I need to get a grip.
I circled my mind for solutions and thought about Mrs. Evans exercise from earlier. It felt stupid to just write how I felt down like I was a child, but I had no choice. I was out of ideas and grabbed the card from my wall with her number on it. I created a new contact and started a new message. My fingers hovered over the keyboard. I didn't know what to type because I wasn't exactly sure how I was feeling. I was never good at deciphering my emotions because I never really needed to. I have to write something.
"I feel overwhelmed."
I sent the text. It felt kind of awkward sharing my feelings so openly. It made me feel weak and vulnerable being so transparent. It wasn't something I was used to but I decided to give it a try. I thought to myself if it backfires, I'll get another therapist. They're all the same anyway. Same questions, same criteria, same disdained and resentful look. I knew it all too well seeing as my mother was one. She was one of the good ones though.
My phone vibrated and I glanced up to find Mrs. Evans had replied.
"I'm sorry to hear that. If you're comfortable talking about it, I'm here."
I wondered if she knew it was me texting her. "It's Thomas." I clarified.
"I know. I have your number on file. It's quite late though, is everything okay?"
"Not really." I answered honestly. Her responses were quick leaving only a few seconds in between our texts. "Can you tell me what's going on?" she replied. I took another minute before responding. "I don't know. I can't sit still, I'm hot and my chest is hurting." Her swift replies ceased and my message was read minutes ago. I was starting to regret contacting her but my phone rang and her caller ID flashed the screen.
"Hello Thomas." A soothing voice came from the other side of the phone. I managed a dry "Hey."
"Where are you right now? Are you in a comfortable space to speak freely?" I was about to nod before I realized she couldn't see me. "Yes. I'm in my room."
"If you aren't sitting down, I'd like you to find a comfortable spot."
I stopped pacing and chose to settle on the floor. "Are you sitting?"
"Yes."
"Let's breathe together slowly. Inhale then exhale. Together." She softly took a breath in and I followed doing the same shortly after. After a minute of doing this I felt slightly relieved of the tension in my chest but still not completely better. "What color are your walls in your room?" She asked randomly which threw me off completely. "Grey?" I answered questioning. "Is that your favorite color?"
"No. My favorite color is green."
"What do you like about green?" Her soft, calm voice filled my ears with a sense of warmth as she spoke. It was hard to determine through the phone but there was a subtle sense that she was smiling on the other side.
"I like nature. Trees and grass. It reminds me of those things."
She continued to ask about nature and it felt like the purpose of the call was side tracked by our conversation of my personal interests. After a half hour it grew quiet. "What happened right before you texted me that you felt overwhelmed." Her tone was more serious this time contrasting our light conversation minutes ago.
"I was coming home from a party."
"Did something happen at the party that might've triggered this response?" She continued. I heard scratching from a pencil assuming she was probably writing this all down in her journal. "I saw my ex girlfriend and my old friend." She didn't respond immediately so I continued. "I heard them in the bathroom talking and he told her I'd be better off in my room and not around anyone because they're tired of feeling sorry for me."
"I'm sorry, Thomas." Sincerity echoed in her voice. "May I ask, how you felt the moment you heard him say that?"
"Alone. I feel alone." I muttered, my eyes fixed on the ground with my mind back on the memory.
"You aren't alone. I'm always here. Might I add I'm very proud of you for expressing your feelings clearly. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and you did."
"Thanks." I small smile crept up on my face from the praise I got for my improvement.
"I think you were experiencing anxiety. It can happen in social settings after prolonged instances of isolation and with what you heard it probably didn't make it any better. It's hard to overcome but taking time to breathe and talk to yourself might help you in the future." I nodded even though I knew she couldn't hear me.
"Thank you Mrs. Evans."
"You can call me just Summer."
"Okay, thank you just Summer." She responded with a small laugh which was refreshing to hear after our intense conversation. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"
"I don't think so." I racked my brain to find another topic we could discuss because I wasn't ready to end our conversation just yet. I came up empty and accepted it. "Okay well it's late Thomas, you should get some rest." I checked my phone to see the time was 2:04a.m.
"I didn't realize it was this late, sorry if I woke you up." I realized it's a Thursday night and she probably had work in the morning and we'd been on the phone for a couple hours. "No worries, I was already up." I wonder what she was doing up so late on a weekday?
"Why are you up so late?" I was curious.
"Get some sleep Thomas, we'll talk on Tuesday. If you start feeling this way again, don't hesitate to call me." She dismissed the question. It probably wasn't allowed for her to talk about personal affairs but I was curious. I left it alone and said goodbye.
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