Once we got to my car, I took us to my favorite burger place off of the highway. It was small and rundown but I think that's what made the burgers taste so good.
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We sat in the diner and they gave us a small pamphlet of the menu even though there were only 7 things on there in total. I caught Summer looking at the interior of the restaurant analyzing every corner. "You like it?" I finally said.
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"I do, it's not what I expected but I'm pleasantly surprised." She smiled. We ordered our food and sat silently eating for some minutes before she spoke again. "How often do you visit your mom?"
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"Usually once a month, but today was different."
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"Did something happen?" She asked interested.
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"I caught my dad with his coworker." She looked apologetic.
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"I'm sorry." I returned a smile and told her it was okay. We finished our food and I drove her back to the cemetery where her car was parked. I drove as slow as I could not wanting the night to end just yet. It was actually enjoyable to talk to someone who didn't look at me like I was about to break into pieces.
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"How did your husband pass?" I asked while we sat in the parked car.
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She uttered the word, "Cancer."
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"Is he the reason you became a psychologist?"
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"No, I was already in school to be one when we got married." I nodded slowly trying to piece things together. "Why'd you become a therapist then?" Her delayed answer revealed that it was a touchy subject.
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"I didn't have the best childhood." She stated looking far off into the distance. In contrast to our sessions, she shied away from eye contact with me but I kept my eyes on her. Curiosity led me to desire a deeper understanding of her. I acknowledged that she was my therapist, but the temptation lingered. I reached my hand over to her and placed it over the one sitting on her lap.
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She finally turned over to me stunned by the interaction. For a second, a short lived moment, she seemed to let her guard down. Her eyes softened into mine and I brushed my thumb on top of her skin. My eyes scanned her entire face searching for something. I screwed up when I unintentionally swiped my finger on her cheek wiping away a tear that escaped her eyes.
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Once my palm cupped her cheek she grew self aware and moved away wiping the remainder of tears that trickled down. "I should get going. This isn't right." She shook her head looking at her surroundings almost like she just realized we'd been sitting in my car. She hurriedly pushed the door open.
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"Summer wait-"
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I called out but she already slammed the door shut and was halfway to her car. I rushed over to her car trying to reach her before she could drive away. She turned her car on and I reached her window in time before she could pull out. She rolled the window down but wouldn't look directly at me.
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"Summer, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong but you can tell me and I promise I won't do it again." I almost pleaded.
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"You need to stop worrying about me Thomas. Stop trying to figure me out just let it go." She tried to say with composure but another tear fell.
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"Why won't you let me care about you?"
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"Goodbye Thomas." She drove off leaving me standing stupidly in an open parking lot. I ran my hands through my hair trying to calm myself down. I eventually walked back to my car and sat in silence. I closed my eyes while taking a deep breath and drove home.
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When I got home my dad was waiting in the kitchen for me with a glass of whiskey. It looked like it wasn't his first glass by the way he was swaying in his seat. "Tommy..." He slurred out. I planned on ignoring him and heading straight to my room but he called me again. "Thomas."
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"What?"
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"I know what you're thinking. I know you're angry with me but I need you to give me a chance to explain."
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"Explain what? That it took you less than a year to get over mom?" I retorted.
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"I will never be completely over your mom. She is always going to be an important part of me but I can't live in fear of hurting you because you're not over her death yet. I deserve happiness as much as anyone else."He put his hand over his heart to seem sincere but it sounded like bullshit to me.
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"Fuck your happiness." I walked up to my room and shut the door. My mind was racing with every single emotion at once and I was overwhelmed with the feeling again. The pressure in my chest and the feeling of overheating even though the AC was blasting.
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I paced my room again but it didn't help. I couldn't calm myself down. I sat upright on the bed and grabbed a notebook and pencil from my backpack. I wrote down how I felt which any other day I'd feel stupid doing but it didn't matter right now.
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After calming down a little, I still couldn't shake the pressure in my chest. I tossed the notebook away and sat silently staring at my grey walls. Somehow Summer being mad at me hurt more than finding out my dad was sleeping with his employee. Her approval meant a lot to me and I ruined it. It felt like I ruined everything.
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With my head filled with panic my chest grew heavy again. I tried to do the breathing exercises Summer taught me and inhaled and exhaled slowly. Closing my eyes, I laid my face on my palms. When I lifted my head, wetness attached to my fingers. That's when I realized they were tears, and I had been crying,
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For the first time since my mom died, I cried.
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