Three days. It had been three days of acting normal, three days of hoping my scent didn’t suddenly change. The morning sickness started this morning, I had spent fifteen minutes over the toilet, heaving up the dinner from the night before. Wiping tears from my eyes and stumbling into my room. I groaned, fighting the nausea again and shutting the door. I began to pull clothes out of my dresser, throwing on some leggings and a gray long sleeved shirt.
Everything was on autopilot recently. I didn’t dare interact with the pack, hiding in my room more than usual. I hadn’t been to Lex’s house since we found out, I was terrified her mother would scent a change too. I didn’t feel safe in the pack, everywhere I went I felt eyes on me. It truly felt like I was going insane.
Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I headed out, snagging a piece of toast on my way out the door. I didn’t know if I could even stomach that, but the lavish breakfast my mother had made was making me sick. Too many smells mixing together, too much all at once.
I stumbled out the front door, nearly running in to Lex. She caught me, a half smile on her face as she helped me stay on my feet. “You okay there Chey?” She’d ask, obviously amused at me almost falling on my face.
“Morning sickness.” I gasped out, taking her hand and leading her away from the packhouse. The breakfast smells were coming out from the windows.
“Rough.” She’d say, walking next to me now. “Can I get you anything?” She’d ask, that amusement leaving her voice as she noticed my pale face.
“No…I’ll be fine.” I said, smiling through a wave of nausea. It appeared as more of a grimace, earning me an eye roll.
“Don’t push yourself.” Lex told me, and I flashed her a small smile.
“I won’t have a choice soon to do anything but push myself.” I reminded her. I’d have to get used to this, learn how to control the sickness and fatigue.
The brick building of the school came into view far too soon. I still held the piece of toast in my hand, not able to get the courage to take a bite in fear I’d be sick again. I caught the worried look Lex gave me before she switched it to her playful smile in a blink. It hurt to see her so worried.
School, surprisingly, went by in a flash. I managed to eat some bread at lunch, but we had to go outside because the lunch room made me sick again. That was the only incident, thankfully. As we walked out of the school, Lex took my hand and pulled me off down the sidewalk, away from our usual route home.
“Where are we going?” I asked, following along without much resistance. I trusted Lex, she just confused me sometimes.
“The long way home.”
That meant we’d be heading for the river, a private place to talk with the rushing water drowning out our voices. I assumed it would be about my pregnancy, so I fell silent and let her lead the way. At most we’d run into a patrol, but they wouldn’t bother us. We would be well inside pack territory, and thus safe.
The sun filtered through the trees as we trudged our way through the forest, branches snapping under our feet. The river rushed ahead, the roar already drowning out my thoughts. Anxiety began to creep into my chest as we got to our rock. We abandoned our bags on the bank, climbing up the rock and sitting down. Sunlight landed on us, the rock already warm. We were silent for a few minutes, listening to the land around us.
Casting our minds out down the pack line, we determined there was no one around us. I looked over at Lex, waiting for her to start talking. She seemed deep in thought, those forest green eyes of hers staring listlessly at the rushing water below. A gentle breeze rustled her short ginger hair. It was getting longer, I noted. Almost to her chin. She’d cut it soon, she hated long hair. The sun reflected off her freckles, turning them a gentle brown. She was beautiful, and if it wasn’t for her rebellious nature, boys would be lining up to get with her. Her mate would have their hands full, when she found them. I was certain her wolf would be breathtaking. A pang of sorrow ran through my chest. I’d never see her shift. Our dreams of racing through the forest, a trail of males behind us, would never be. All because I decided to listen to my wolf and participate in Lupercalia.
My nails dug into the palm of my hand and I found myself fighting back my tears. I didn’t want to leave my life behind, leave my friends and family behind. I made a stupid mistake, why couldn’t my father understand that? I knew he wouldn’t, but I wish he would. I wanted to grow up here, among those I loved. Why was that so bad?
A soft hand covered mine, and I glanced up quickly. I met Lex’s green eyes, sparkling with her own tears.
“I love you, Chey.”
My lip wobbled, and I felt the hot tears start to slide down my face.
“I love you too, Lex. More than you could ever know..”
“No…No Chey I really….I really love you.”
I gave a small smile, trying to push past the tears. “I really love you. You’ve always been there for me, you’ve always been by my side. I wouldn’t be here without you…” I trailed off.
My chest hurt, every breath hard to catch. There was this massive pressure on me, the world starting to close in on me. I was terrified…
“Chey…” Lex started, hesitating.
I watched the tears roll down her face, and then she pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight. Her breath tickled my ear, the shudder in her breath easy to catch. It only broke my heart more.
“Yeah Lex?” my own breath was hitching, my voice wobbling.
“It changed..” It was such a soft whisper, I would have missed it had she not been speaking right into my ear.
It took me a moment to process. I almost asked her what she was talking about, but it registered a moment later. *It* changed. My scent. I wouldn’t be able to hide it when I got home.
“Oh…”
I didn’t know what else to say. What else was there to say? We both knew what that meant, and it explained why she had brought me out here, to our spot. One last time, one more memory, before life went to shit.
“When?” I asked, almost afraid to ask.
I needed to know though, it was a burning curiosity. Who else knew, if it had changed. Who had been whispering behind my back that I was a whore? They were inevitable, but how long had they gone on without me knowing?
“Last period.” She answered me, her embrace only growing tighter.
I realized she was shaking, or was that me? I couldn’t tell. It was over, our little secret was out. My secret, that I had made Lex carry too. The trouble she would be in if they knew she had known before it was noticeable. My father’s rage would barely be constrained by her father. She was damn lucky she was the Beta’s heir, else nothing would stop my father from punishing her as well, potentially banishing her too.
“It’s over…” I muttered.
“What if…what if we ran away?” She’d ask, suddenly pulling away from me.
She held onto my shoulders, her fingers digging into my arms. I didn’t wince, even though I knew she’d leave bruises.
“We went over this Lex…” I’d start again, about to remind her that she had a life here, a future she couldn’t abandon.
“No…No I know all that…but…what if?” She was desperately trying to find a way out of this, for both of us to stay together.
“We have nowhere to go.” I’d counter, playing along to her what if for the time being.
“We could go to the rogue pack together. Or…or to the father.” She flinched at the way my eyes flickered with anger.
“Absolutely not. He doesn’t get to know.” I stated, my stubbornness showing as I met her gaze. I could see the desperation within them. My own gaze softened with my sigh.
“What if he wants a pup? What if he can look past the fact you’re a bastard to another pack’s alpha? What if he’d be overjoyed to have a little one with you? What if he was your Mate?” She continued on her train of thought, her voice gaining the desperation in her eyes.
I shook my head, my arms reaching up to hold hers.
“What if he realized I was a mistake? What if we aren’t Mates?” The silence rang between us. She knew what I had left unsaid. What if he was like my father? Resenting the pup and me?
Her gaze finally broke away from mine, looking down at the stone between us.
“I don’t want to lose you Chey…” She finally mumbled.
I dragged her into another hug.
“I know…”
I regretted everything, every choice that had been made up to this point. I wish I had never left the house on Lupercalia. I wish I hadn’t socialized with the other packs. I wish I had never slept with Fleur. If I had known any of this would have happened…I would have holed myself in my room and drowned out the night with music blaring. Or a movie night with Lex, volume on full blast. Anything other than what had happened. The confidence I had before, the determination I had to weather whatever storm would come my way, was suddenly evaporating. I was terrified, now that I couldn’t hide it any longer.
There was no use in regretting my life choices now. I couldn’t do anything to change them. Silence descended upon us, our tears falling quietly as we embraced one another. At some point, we had fallen back onto the rock. Lex held me, my head on her shoulder as she ran her hand through my hair. It was a motion that usually relaxed me, but it only hurt my heart more. I wouldn’t get these moments with her ever again. This was going to be the last time…
“I’m sorry Lex..” I finally managed to mutter.
I stared up at the leaves, sunlight filtering through. It was beautiful, peaceful. If I could stay here, in this moment with Lex, forever…I would.
“I know…I’m sorry too…I wish I could have helped you…” She muttered back.
“It’s not your fault Lex..”
“I’m your best friend…I should have been able to help you more.”
I could feel the guilt radiating off of her, so similar to my own. This wasn’t her fault though, not at all. I had told her not to search for Tonic, not to tell anyone, not to find someone who’d lie about being the father, not to come with me. Every solution, every offer to do something, I had stopped. This was far from her fault, she had no faults in this.
“I didn’t let you. You tried and I wouldn’t let you do anything. You’ve been…more proactive than I have been. I just accepted it…you actually tried to think of ways to help me. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”
I felt her body shake as she cried, and I rolled to wrap an arm around her. I knew the embrace wasn’t much, but It was all I had to offer. Holding her as she held me, we were a tangle of limbs, crying silently together, scents and sounds drowned out by the river. We stayed like that for hours.
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