Mia was at work the next day when I woke up. I rang her and apologised for the fight. I said that we needed to change things so we became close again. I suggested we quit the scouts and maybe we could do some activity together. Mia was busy at work and a bit annoyed that I rang her. She promised we would speak about it that evening,
I was in a good mood at work. I planned that my group would do a circus. Then I was told there was a phone call. It was a man that told me to come home straight away. I thought it was a joke and laughed, but I soon realized that it was no joke.
When I went home, I found two policemen waiting for me!
One of the men said they had a search warrant that allowed them to take my computer. They said I was under arrest for child porn. I had an anxiety attack and showed them my computer. When they were done, they put me in a car. I was not handcuffed, but I felt like my life was over. They were talking about some party they were at as we drove to the police station. I was in the middle of an anxiety attack as I wondered what would happen to me.
When we came to the police station, I was searched and put into a cell. There was nothing in it except a bench and a window. I looked out the window and was mad at myself and felt like I was a monster. They could throw me in jail for life and throw away the key. I paced back and forth as I tried to calm down and accept the position I was in.
I was called into an office, where the police detective asked if I admitted to downloading child porn or not. I wondered why no lawyer was present. The police detective then said we can do this the hard way or the easy way. I admitted that I did download child porn. This did not make the police detective any happier. He asked should I not be ashamed of myself. I worked with children and had two sons. I didn’t answer.
I was released until the case would be brought to court. I had no wallet or no money, so I walked to the hospital where Mia was working. I told her I was arrested and the whole story. I wanted the car keys, but she said she could not be at work now. As we drove home, I broke into tears. Mia did not know what to say but asked was I telling the truth when I said I did not molest Sandra. I told her I may have waited too long to stop her. Mia said she would support me.
The first thing I did was to visit my workplace. We went into the boss’s office and I told her what happened and I resigned straight away. She gave me a hug and said that she did not think I was a paedophile as she has seen me day after day working with children. She thought it was like gambling. It was the thrill of doing something dangerous, and downloading child porn was definitely dangerous in my job. My boss advised me not to resign but take sick leave. I agreed but told her to put a notice up so parents would know. I was being selfish here, as I figured it would be the best way to tell everyone.
Christopher and Sebastian came home. Christopher was 12 and Sebastian was 9 at this stage. I told them to come in the backyard and we sat on the lawn. It was extremely hard telling them I was arrested for downloading child porn, and it was just as hard explaining what it was. I am sure they did not have a clue what it was. I told them that it will not only change my life but also their lives as they would be teased by their friends that their dad was a convict and paedophile. Christopher was silent and Sebastian read from a comic, showing he was confused.
I knew I had some blackouts and sometimes stood beside my body, so I asked them if I ever touched them in an inappropriate way. They both said no. I was delighted as this was the only good news I had that day. I was also happy as Mia must have had this thought. At least we now knew that our children were not molested by me.
I went into my room and hid under the covers in my bed. I figured that if I slept, this would be a bad dream and I could wake up smiling. It didn’t happen. I was woken up by my mother in law that stood at the door and told me what I did was wrong, but I would always be like a son for her and she would always love me as a son. I gave her a weak smile but did not say anything. I knew I had the talent to push people away from me when I wanted to be left alone. It's hard to say if she kept this promise. But I will write about that later.
While Mia was being consoled by her mother, I said I needed to go for a drive. I drove and bought a drink of coke and rat poison. In the middle of the parking lot, I drank the coke mixed with the rat poison. I have tried to commit suicide a few times each year since I was a teen, but this was the most serious attempt and I was certain it would work. It tasted vile, but I considered that punishment for what I did. When I came home, I went to bed again. I said a short prayer and told God I hope paedophiles can go to heaven.
I didn’t sleep that well. That was not what I expected. I expected to go into a deep sleep and never wake up. It ended up that I vomited it all up. By this time I was not myself. My mind was fogged and if I tried to think, I would think a hundred thoughts at the same time. The voices I often heard (one was a boy and one was a girl) were telling me to get life over with. So in the morning, I went to the bathroom and cut my wrist. I was digging the knife in trying to reach the vein. I actually felt no pain! I kept digging the knife and cutting as it was meat. I went out to Mia and asked how deep I have to cut. Her first reaction was to say you need to cut extremely deep to get a vein. Then she realized what I did.
Mia bandaged my hand and we went to a doctor. He gave me some stitches and said we had to go to the hospital.
After I spent a few days at the hospital, a nurse came and said I was being moved to the psychiatric ward that was closed. When I saw it, I started crying and begging to let me go home. The nurse said I had to be observed as I was in shock. I may have been in shock, but all I could think of was to punish myself and get this over with.
I was in the locked up part of the psychiatric ward. When no one was looking, I tried to open the doors and they were locked. I went out to a small garden they had but someone followed me all the time. I wondered did they see me as a monster or some pervert. I refused to eat. The only thing that I ate is when Mia came with McDonald's. When I was alone, I felt so guilty and felt like the worse person on earth. I hated myself. The nurses only came to offer me food and left when I said no. I had no on to speak with, except when Mia left.
I was afraid of losing Mia. This was my greatest fear. They could take away my job. They could throw me in prison and throw away the keys, but I did not want to lose Mia or my children. We have not been close for years and I manipulated her and treated her like shit. It was in the closed room, that I found out that I was a horrible husband and wondered did I even deserve Mia? I wrote a long letter with my thoughts and confusion about why I downloaded the pictures. I stressed that even though I was a bad husband, I loved her a lot.
When Mia read the letter, she started crying. She could see my declaration of love was sincere but did not see it much in action. We started cuddling and kissing on the bed as we did so many years earlier when we met each other. For a few minutes, we forgot the situation we were in and were kissing and hugging. I went to bed smiling when Mia left. I did something very wrong, but I would accept my guilt and pay for it. What was most important was to use this opportunity to rekindle the love that we had.
I still refused to eat, and my mood swung a lot. I did decide I would kill myself… other times I would be the best husband and Dad I could. A doctor called me into his office and said I was most likely in a crisis, and downloading child porn is not the worst thing that could happen. He told me that if I promised not to commit suicide, he would allow me in the open psychiatric department. I thought this was a strange question, but of course, I said yes while crossing two fingers. I was moved to the open department. This made Mia so mad, as she asked how I could be trusted in such a state of mind. It was like the doctor was washing his hands. I didn’t think, I wanted to be moved over to the open area.
I could not hide in a room there, so I had to be with others. I sat in a corner thinking they have problems like depression and voices that were not their fault. I caused my problems. I was scared at the psychiatric hospital. I felt it was the wrong place to be. I deserved prison or something like that.
A young man who was only 19 years old didn’t want to be there either. He was sitting nice and calm, and then suddenly stood up and threw a chair across the room and looked for other things to throw. He was screaming and yelling. Two men who were as strong as Rambo came to pacify him. He was taken away screaming and kicking. I never saw him after that, but it made a big impression on me. I was twice his age and knew happiness. I imagined that his life would be turmoil. He obviously had problems and at 19, his life has not really started.
I wondered if I was too hard on myself or did I feel sorry for myself? I knew what was done, and I knew it was illegal. I most likely had the Victorian morale, that it was illegal only if I was caught. Looking back, I think that I did feel sorry for myself AND I was being hard on myself. One thing I know is that I was afraid. It was at this time, that I started pushing people away from me.
Anneke, the girl that had a father that died of cancer, sent me a drawing and hoped I would feel better. Mia also told me that she wanted to visit me. Despite me asking the leader of my work that she should tell people, she did not. No one knew why I was in a psychiatric hospital. I told Mia that she should tell Anneke’s mom about why I was here. I was sure that she did not want her daughter to visit someone that was caught with child pornography.
She didn’t. Anneke never visited me.
My mother-in-law came unexpectedly shortly after I was moved to the open department. She told me she had something serious to say to me. I listened expecting her to give me a lecture on what I did wrong. She said that she thinks me collecting child porn has something to do with the abuse that I experienced as a child. I was in shock. What did she mean by saying that I was abused? I had a happy childhood.
She explained that sometimes when children are abused, they hide it in the back of their heads and forget it ever happened. She told me that I told her I was abused a decade ago. I looked at her and said I was not abused. Why would she say something like that?
After her, a couple we knew came from Church. They have not heard why I was here, so it was a bit awkward. They were so nice. I felt myself get more annoyed as they continued. When they asked should we pray, I had enough. I told them how I was arrested and why I was arrested. They were shocked as I told them I downloaded illegal pictures of children. They politely prayed and left. I never saw them again.
The day after, I was in the newspaper….the pedagogue and the scout leader that was a paedophile and downloaded child porn. There was a mom from the scouts that gave her views about me. You can guess what they were. There was also criticism of the kindergarten, that they did not inform parents. In a way, I felt relieved, as now everyone knew.
The kindergarten had a meeting. From what I hear it was a strange meeting. Most of the discussion was about why my boss just wrote that I was sick, and why did they have to read it in the newspaper first? There was, of course, some talk about me. The parents that did not have a child in my group were very critical and worried that I molested their children. The strange thing was that I had a few supporters that told how much I helped their children. This was, of course, told to me, as I was not there. It must have been a strange meeting!
A day after my mother-in-law told me I was abused, I was laying in my bed in the morning. Now I had so much time, so I just laid on my bed. I was half asleep where I saw images of Kevin, and him taking pictures of me. More imaged came where I was having sex with men. It was like a bad film that should never be allowed. I tried my best to stop the images, but I could not move. I was frozen on my bed.
It did not stop there.
When the images stopped, I was standing beside the bed looking down at me. My body was shaking and tears were rolling down my eyes.
No matter what I did that day, memories came and so did previous pain and shame. When Mia came, I burst into tears. She held me and said that we should go for a walk. Mia was in a strange mood when we went for a walk. There was a huge chimney at the hospital, where she joked and said that I was very bad at committing suicide. If I jumped from that chimney, I would surely die.
My life was turned upside down, but so were Mia’s and my children. Imagine two young boys that were around when we talked about child porn and suicide. Sebastian had a healthy point of view; he told me I was crazy. I said all the wrong things and told him that psychiatric sickness often runs in the family. It was said as a joke, but he would be afraid that it could be true for a few years. Christopher was 12 and he was very silent. He must have been so afraid and confused. While I had the opportunity for help, Mia and the boys got no help what so ever.
I was in the open part for a few weeks, where Mia came and we went for a walk. I told her we had to be smart and think about what was best for the future and our children. I asked her was it best we got a divorce, and save her and the children a lot of trouble. I suggested we could be married, but live separate. Once again we were in tears and Mia reminded me that we gave each other vows to be together in good times and bad times. This was a happy moment during this crisis. I may have lost a job and respect from society, but I was getting Mia back.
After the walk, we went in to have a talk with a female priest. There was something about her that I did not like, so I was quiet. I soon found out when she told Mia that she should consider a divorce. Mia was confused and thought divorce was against the teachings of the Bible. I forget what the priest answered, but in short in situations where the family was hurt, then divorce could be the only answer. I told the priest that we discussed divorce and was against it. Mia thanked the priest for something to think about.
Later the same day, Mia came with the boys. We sat on my bed where I told her the priest did not like me. Then I burst out crying asking Mia was there any light at the end of the tunnel? Mia stood up and said she was going home. I followed her all the way to the elevator asking her to stay for a bit. Mia simply said that she needed a break. She looked down while the elevator doors closed and our children were confused.
Mia did not come the next day.
The day after, I woke up early. It was nearly 2 weeks after I was arrested. I looked around to see where the staff was. They were where they usually were…. In the office. I put on my shoes and snuck out of the psychiatric hospital. I had this feeling I was free and the world could think what they wanted. I walked downtown to a newly built mall. At the back was a 2 story car park. I sat at the edge of the wall and looked down. I took my son's cell telephone that I had borrowed. I rang to Mia…
“Do you love me?” I asked219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7c0Ggi8z8V
“I told you I need a break!”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDv9C7XBtBo
“When will this break finish?”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWjhznvmq3
“I don’t know. Just concentrate on getting better. It’s very early”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMYL2dTmBg
“I am sitting on the edge of a wall. I just want you to know that I love you. Tell the boys that I love them”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLXhUJb3ng
“What are you up to? Do not jump!”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wGCOgYI0T
“I just need to know you love me!”219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlxtP1GFRF0
Mia hung up.
I looked down at the 10-meter drop. I said a prayer and fell to my death
ns 15.158.61.7da2
