This story is based on a real-life story. It has happened. The sad fact is that millions of people can tell the same story or something similar. Child abuse happens in every village and so many children now are being hurt.
In some ways, the man of this story was lucky. He survived the abuse he had as a child. He met someone that loved him and someone who would give him a chance at a happy life as an adult. There was so much love that this man received from his family. His wife loved him, his children loved him and he had a great job. Yet he destroyed this by being a bad dad and worse husband.
This man had no empathy or boundaries. He was a monster and one can only wonder what would have happened if he was not caught. Statistics show he would most likely have abused a child. His children would have no relationship with him. His wife would have had a marriage where she was unhappy and had a life of misery.
The man was arrested, and he lost everything. He lost his wife and nearly his children. He did realize how bad he was as a person and devoted his life to being a better person. This will take a lifetime to do. He will have the success that his children still love him. He would live in guilt that he was such a bad husband. He will always consider himself a monster. Still, he will fight for being a better person.
The reaction of the reader will be interesting. We would cry and feel uncomfortable reading about what happened to the boy. When Kevin was grooming him, we all wanted to shout to the boy to say no. We felt pain every time that the boy was molested, drugged or being photographed. We were mad at the parents and other adults. Why did the boy not get any help?
When the man became a man and had doubts if he was a paedophile or not, we were hoping that he would get help. We were proud when he stopped children when they were curious and yet wondered why where the children curious. We started becoming mad at the man and even dislike him when we have seen the way that he treated his wife and children. We were afraid that the man would abuse someone!
For many that read this story, this man was a monster and deserves no sympathy or compassion. I doubt many that read this story would want him as a neighbour.
Approximately 1 in 4 women in North America were molested in childhood. Approximately 1 in 7 males have been sexually molested before the age of 18. The statistics of how many children are being abused by families is unbelievable. The statistics of how many that have been trafficked and worse is disturbing. The experiences that children have to go through is heartbreaking.
The story of this man is not as bad as some children must endure. Yet, he is a statistic. His life was destroyed. No one helped when he was being abused. There is a child somewhere like him now being abused. Maybe if we can see these statistics as faces, more people would act.
For the abuser, it is all about control. They have very successful ways of grooming a child and in the end taking control. Many abusers would say it was about love and not control. How can this be true? A child does not have the same knowledge about true love and sex to be an equal participant. At least Kevin did not consider the abuse as love. He was a pimp and took illegal photos of the boy. How could the boy trust anyone after any of this?
The boy lived in two worlds. The normal boy when he was with his parents. The problem was that he did not get any love and attention here. It was just expectations and discipline. He did not trust his family or friends to ask them for help. This led him to agree to the dark world of prostitution, drugs and photos. The boy lived in a world of secrets and extremes. It is not surprising that he has no trust in anyone now and avoids human contact. It is not surprising that he has mental problems, although he will not accept how bad they are.
Each child needs attention. They need love. They need to be accepted for who they are. They need to know that they are wanted. They need to know that they are protected. The boy in this story did not get any of this. He got the wrong attention. At one stage he accepted the role that Kevin gave him as a prostitute and porn model because he thought that was what he was good at. It was what pleased people. The boy had nothing he could compare Kevin's attention to. How many children that are abused can say the same?
The fact was that the boy's boundaries and morality were damaged when he was being abused. He accepted the abuse in a way and at times his body deceived him by liking it. He got the wrong type of attention with Kevin and this all combined moved his norms and values. He could not see how bad it was. This continued as an adult. On the surface, the man knew what was right and wrong, but deep down he was very confused.
They say that the abused often becomes the abusers. This is most likely because they have no boundaries and they want to be in control. You would notice that this man in the story had doubts about if he was a paedophile from a very early age. This was the last thing he wanted in the world, as he must have been afraid that he would end up to be the type of person that had ruined his life. It is a shame that he never reached out for help. He tried telling his wife that refused to talk about it. He tried to tell people that he was abused, but they never helped after hearing that.
The one bit of salvation was that he never did hurt a child. One could ask if he let the girl that touched him come too close. Did he delay in telling her to stop? This must have been a sign that he should have got professional help.
The man forgot about his abuse for years. He simply hid it in some corner of his mind. This is quite common. Humans are very quick to forget things that are trauma and live as it never happened. Imagine what it was for the man when all these experiences he had as a child suddenly came back again. It would be like reliving them once again.
We often hear that abusers use the fact that they were abused as an excuse as to why they hurt a child. The man knows what he did wrong. He accepts that he was to be punished. It took him a long time to open up and admit that he did not have the best of childhoods. When he was arrested, he had more than the charges against him to deal with. The memories came back which was very hard for him to deal with. On top of this, he had to deal with that he was such a bad dad and husband.
I think the worse punishment that he got was the break up of his marriage. Mia was and is the love of his life, and now they do not even talk with each other. The salvation of the man was that his boys love him, and they still are in contact with each other.
When observing this mans life, one must think that he made all the wrong decisions. One of them was the countless times that he tried to commit suicide. Did he want to die or was this a cry for help? If he did succeed, then he would miss out on so many joys like seeing his children grow and even meeting his grandchild!
The man is not a paedophile in the sense that he is an abuser. The arrest made him question many things and that included his morals and his bad sides. He used this to help him become a better person, and this meant a better father. He also has professional staff where he now lives that he can trust. They do not condone what he did or condone the way he was a dad or husband, but they do not dwell in the past. They work as best as they can to repair what they can by speaking with him and giving him people that he can trust.
The man has paedophile anxieties and tendencies. However, these are in his mind. When he is with a child, he never has such thoughts. He wants the best for the child and the would never harm the child. The anxieties and thoughts are there when he considers children in general. It is the fear that he could be an abuser. It is also a question about trusting himself. Why does he have this fear? He had countless chances to abuse a child and never did. The staff where he lives also helps here by reminding him of his good sides and that he is not a monster.
Still, this is something that he will have to live with for the rest of his life and in a way, he has come a long way. He is a better dad, although he would never get a dad of the year award. He is not as selfish and ego-centred as he used to be. He hardly ever has a temper now. He is even happy that Mia has found her true love.
The bad thing is that he has isolated himself from society. He is in his flat all the time and hates coming out. He can even get anxiety attacks when he goes out. This is not his way of imprisoning himself. The tendencies to be alone could be seen as a teen when he hid in his bedroom.
The anxiety he had of being a paedophile and afraid that he would hurt a child does not exist anymore. He accepts that he was abused as a child and will even be open and talk about it. This also means that he will not inflict this pain and terror on anyone else. The abuse is also in the past. The man has forgiven Kevin and his wish is to move on.
This also means that he wants to break any social inheritance that could occur. This is where this story has a good ending. His two boys are now men that any parent would be proud of. His older son is now a father and he deserves the father of the year award. The children can see their parents and learn from their parent's mistakes. Of course, they will make their own. The difference is that the children have grown up to be happy men, that have empathy, morality and compassion. They will make the world a better place!
So is this man in the story a monster or a victim. Can we consider him a survivor? Will he ever have a place in society where he can be liked and respected?
Who knows?
There are so many like him.
The end
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