I was living with Signe, and I did not love her. Everything she did was not good enough. I compared her to Mia. We would sleep on a small sofa and wake up and watch TV all day. If I asked her to help with shopping, she did not want to or would ask her mom to shop for us. If I asked her to help tidy the flat, she would say she was not in the mood.
The fact is that she was very sick. She had epilepsy, which I could deal with. But she also heard voices in her head and was traumatized when she was 12 because she was raped. This meant that every evening at around 7 pm (When Simpsons were on), she would start crying or talk about the voices. She was very suicidal and depressed. This was not a good situation for me that was still dealing with my past and waiting for my verdict. I also had these children voices in my head and still was suicidal. Living with Signe did not help things. It is like we helped each other sink more and more into a hole. There were few good experiences with her, so why did I want her to live with me? She did not even help financially. She sometimes made me laugh, like when she asked how you boil an egg.
This was the last time I spoke with Mia. She rang me and asked why was I living with Signe? I was rude and harsh and told Mia we were getting a divorce, so it was up to me. Mia said it can’t be love and the problem was that I could not live alone. I would not admit it then, but I showed it when I asked Mia is there any chance for us. She got mad at this and said there was no chance. She was sorry she got married to me, as she did not know I was a monster! I was in tears, as Mia was the one that knew me the best, and she could see no good in me. This was our last discussion. We met at family court meetings but the tone was hard. She thought I was a sick man, a paedophile and a monster.
So I wanted to prove to myself that Signe could work. This was despite she invited me to her friends for dinner. Dinner went fine, but afterwards, we used drugs and got very drunk. The worse thing is I drove home that night. I do not know how I did it. I remember thinking of how mad Mia would have been, and this showed how much of a monster I was. I could have killed someone that night!
Signe was religious, where I was losing my faith due to the divorce. This meant she often went to her church… or so I thought. Signe told me that she was meeting someone else... in other words, she was cheating on me. I was surprised at my reaction. I forgave her and said we would not mention it again. The fact is we were living together for a few months and she was already cheating on me. Looking back, I knew I didn’t want sex with anyone and as I didn’t love her, I didn’t care.
My solution was to get a puppy. This puppy would be someone that Signe and I could take care of. The problem is how could we do this? We couldn’t even take care of ourselves. She was too lazy to walk with the dog and I had pains every time I walked with him. The dog was not house trained. The only thing I can boast was that he was well fed!
I had enough problems. I ate 150 tablets and forgot that Christopher was visiting me. He visited me with Mia’s older brother (that still visited me every day). Christopher was sent to walk with the dog while I was asked what I did. I suppose that the leftover tablets splattered across the table told what I have done. I was hospitalized for a week and then moved back to the psychiatric ward. I felt safe at the hospital and psychiatric ward. I didn’t speak with the staff, as I did not trust them. One problem I had was that I started wetting the bed again. I was released back home shortly after I was admitted.
Things went worse with Signe. She went to her Church service one night and came home saying she wanted a child. I quietly told her I wanted no other children, as things were not even well with the ones I had. I also mentioned that we could not even take care of a dog… in fact, we could not take care of ourselves. Signe went crazy and started hitting my injured legs with a coke bottle. Then she went to the kitchen and got a knife. I do not know how I did it, but I managed to get to the toilet and lock myself in.
When she calmed down, I took all her clothes and threw them out the front door.
I was now alone.
The visits with my children were supervised. Usually, it was Mia’s mother or her older brother. I was told by Mia and Family court that I was a bad dad. Christopher and Sebastian was the only thing I had left. I realized how bad a dad I was when I would ask them to shop for me or when they heard me speak about suicide. Once Christopher even found a condom on the table. I realized I could be a saint to my children, and Mia would only find the negative things. However, I made a decision. I would not have my two boys embarrassed by their dad, or have no relationship with me. I would not have them think I was a monster. I would fight for the right to see them and I would work on myself becoming a better dad… hopefully, it would not be too late.
I visited Signe at her parent's house. It was hard being alone. I proposed to her and said we could raise a family together. She was cold and bitter and said that she did not want to get married to me. I was in tears begging her to marry me. The answer was no.
So I failed with Mia and now I failed with a woman I did not even love. The answer was 300 tablets and chocolate ice cream. Next day I was rushed to the hospital and asked if I wanted them to save my life. I was then driven to the capital, which is 5 hours away on a small stretcher in an ambulance. I needed to be in a special hospital. I was told when I was there, that I went into a coma. I do not remember that. I do remember a nurse giving me cigarettes because I had none. I also remember my mother ringing and asking did I want to be buried in Denmark or Ireland. Once again I was moved to the psychiatric ward where I had talks with a shrink. She diagnosed me with a personality disorder and dissociative amnesty.
It is strange when I tried to commit suicide. I would be told how many people it hurts and I should stop doing it. I do know when I jumped that it was there that Mia decided she wanted a divorce. However, no one could see it was a cry for help. Getting a diagnosis that I did not understand did not help. I was in trauma because of my past and the crime I did. I had no self-esteem because everyone considered me a bad dad, a paedophile and a monster.
The one thing that did work was when I promised the children once again that I would not commit suicide. Christopher's response shocked me and broke my heart when he said I promised this so many times. It was like all the promises I made, they did not count as they could not believe my promises. I told them that this time had to be different. I had to back up my promise with action!
When I was released from the psychiatric ward, Mia’s older brother still visited me. However, I got an email from him that he could not see him again. Mia did not like the fact that he was seeing me. I understood the email that she told him to choose between her and me. I could understand his choice and even if he did not have to choose, I usually just rambled on feeling sorry for myself while he was there. He did teach me something important. He taught me to concentrate on my boys and turn something bad to good.
It was time to go to court. Actually, the lawyer told me there would be no trial. I just had to sign papers. When I came, I found out there was a trial. I knew the judge as his daughter was a girl I had in the scouts years before. He did not dismiss himself. The trial took about 20 minutes. I pleaded guilty and the lawyer said I was punished a lot already, especially by Mia. The verdict was a fine as well as 30-day probation plus I was not to work with children in the future. I was mad at the lawyer because he lied not telling me it was a trial. I also was thinking why did they not offer me any help. I would have accepted prison if it meant I would get some help. This was not the case. I was now judged and had to live with it.
The big question is could I change my life around and find happiness in life.
It did not start well.
I met this man that offered me the job as a model. I lost a lot of weight during the last year but was still overweight. He said there was a market for me. I would be doing porno films as well as visiting some men that liked me. So I was back where I started. A porn star and a prostitute! I did 2 films with this man and visited a few men. My self-esteem was at the lowest. If people thought I was a monster, I could sell my body. At least someone wanted to see this. The problem was my children. We once had a discussion on crossdressers because they found out a friend of mine had a boyfriend that was a crossdresser. My children did not understand why someone would want to crossdress. They could not understand why someone would want to be gay. It was a difficult discussion as I was prostituting myself with men. What would the boys say if they knew this? If I was to be a good father, I had to be good when they visited me and when they did not visit me. I had to be someone they could be proud of. I quit that activity. It was actually a relief. I finally said no to someone profiting from my body. It showed I could change and take charge of my life.
Mia was by now a bitter woman, and it seemed she only wanted revenge. She did this by limiting my contact with the children. She wanted it to be supervised until they were 18. At one stage, she was considering that I should not see them at all, but she changed her mind about that. It was hard being at the end of all this and it meant when we did meet about children that we fought and said a lot of things. In a way, I always understood her, as she was convinced I was a monster and she could see no good in me. I think many people asked when I did download child porn, why I even was allowed to see my children?
Mia showed a side of her that I never saw. She wrote a letter to some of my family and some friends I had telling them of my crime. It was something that she denied, but it is funny that they have never contacted me since. The fact that Mia has written these letters to tell people how much of a monster I was told to me by my mother. My mother never had anything bad to say about Mia, so why would she lie? Mia said she never did this, but at another time said she did not remember. So the image I had of Mia was someone that was bitter and hated me a lot. This was hard to deal with.
I was now trying my best to be a good dad. My main aim was to make the visits of the children as fun as possible. We did what they wanted. I did my best to make sure I listened to them and asked them how they were doing. I also wanted them to see I was getting better and they did not need to worry about me. It was about time that I stopped thinking about myself and think more about my children. It is true that I wasted many years hiding in my office and work and taking care of other children. I was worried that it was now too late. No matter what I did, Mia could not see any change. As time went by, I did not care what she thought as she could only see the negative. I care what the boys thought as well as what the supervisor thought. After we fought so much at the family court, they sent a professional to observe us. It was a bit strange that this strange woman sat on a sofa and wrote everything we did. After the children went, she would give me advice on how to be better with them.
I needed something to do during the day. I went on courses and tried to get my body working again. I would have to find a new job, but it was like I could not work with the depression, anxiety attacks and voices meant that I hid in my flat. I did not want to meet people. I now believed that I was a monster and who would want to be my friend. I had even hallucinations at night. I would see Kevin (the man that abused me) come in or some other men come to me. Once I saw Zombies. I knew it was not real, but it looked so real. I must admit sometimes it was good. My children often came to visit me in these hallucinations.
I also went back to the geopolitical sim that died on the net. It was said there was no way I would redeem it. However, it was a success and it meant that I had someone to talk with every day. Once again I was playing God in this fantasy world that I set up.
About a year after Signe was kicked out and I begged her to marry me, she showed up at my door again. By now I was used to being alone and I was working hard on being a better person. She wanted to get back together as a pair. I did not want to screw back time. I reminded her how sad we were, that she hit me and chased me with a knife. I also reminded her that she cheated on me. I was not going to have that drama in my life again. I went as far as to admit to her that I compared her too much to Mia, and I did not really love her. I offered that we could be friends. She said quietly and agreed. It must have been hard for her to listen to. I never saw her since.
Despite I was doing my best to be a better person, I was sometimes still my old self. When Mia’s older brother or her mom came, I would be negative about the divorce and supervised visits. I would try to make them see that supervised visits were unnecessary. I knew that some of what I said would be told to Mia, so I said things I knew Mia would hear. I am sure that Mia’s mother could see how I was manipulating her, as she got mad once and told me her job was to come with the children because her daughter asked her to. She did not want to be in the middle of our disagreements. Then it hit me how I used her and manipulated her. I felt so sorry about this, but it became a new project I had. I did not want to manipulate people.
I have no contact with Mia’s parents or her family now. It is a bit strange that they write Christmas letters to my parents. I know Mia’s mother made a promise that she would always consider me as a son, but a lot of things have happened that changed this. The most important is she could see how I hurt her daughter. She could also see how I tried to manipulate her. I have spoken to her on a few occasions since. However, now I try to keep it positive and polite. I know she asks the children how I am and I am sure I am in her prayers, but she moved on with life.
I was at last given permission to see the children unsupervised. I spent all day cleaning my flat and I bought the food that they love. It was especially food Christopher liked. I remember how much it cost, but it was something to celebrate. They did not come. Mia refused to bring them. When I rang her, she told me she would not allow them to be alone with me. I was devastated as she said this and I looked at the table of food ready for them. We were once again in family court and I agreed to supervised visits, so I could see my children.
My parents came to visit me. My dad was shocked and worried when he saw me, as I was so pale. They spent much of their visit tidying my flat, which was not up to their standard. I also told them about the abuse I experienced as a child. My dad asked was it someone in the family and I said no. That was it! When I tried to discuss it later, my dad got mad and said he did not want to talk about it. My mom explained that people that were convicted like me usually said these things as an excuse. I was mad and explained it was not even said in court and I take full responsibility for what I did and have no excuses. It really hurt me that my parents did not believe me. I do not know what I expected…. Maybe a hug or something. But the fact that my own parents did not believe me cut like a knife. We have never discussed it since, except when my mother sometimes reminds me of the crime I did.
It was shortly after this that I met Sven. We soon agreed that we would be boyfriends despite that he was 20 years older than me. It was the second time that I had a boyfriend after the divorce. I never considered myself gay but think of it that I had one leg on the other side of the fence. Sven and I had very little sex, but this was made up of the feelings we had for each other. He could see the good sides of me as well as the bad side but accepted them both. I did not compare him with Mia, and maybe that was because he was a man. Sven and I became very close and at times I felt like I was using him, as he would help me so much. There was very little that he needed help with. The fact is that he became more than a boyfriend, he was like a soulmate. It was, of course, secret and this was hard not being able to tell others how much he meant to me.
A psychologist told me I should write about my experiences down. So I started writing stories that had some elements of some abuse I experienced. I found out two things. First, when I wrote an experience down, it was out of my system. I also found out that I was a good storyteller. I was criticized for my grammar and simple ways of writing things. Despite this, I started getting fans and this was hard to understand. Sometimes 5,000 people read a story and other times over 150,000 reads stories. When I get feedback, it is great to see if a story helped people or what they got out of it. Writing stories became a new hobby that gave me a new power to write and most important decide how the story ends.
I had this man that visited me once a week as a helper. We would just talk and he would give me suggestions on how I should live and be happier. He came once when I was in a very bad way and told me that I should go to the psychiatric ward. We spoke with a psychiatrist and my helper told her I should be admitted to the psychiatric hospital until my brain calmed down. I was looking at the psychiatrist and she was skin and bones. It looked like she needed help more than me. It was not often that I admitted it, but I needed help. She told me I should wake up and take care of myself. If I could do that, I would not be there. Sitting there telling them I need help was a big deal for me. Then she told me she will increase my medicine and go home, I was afraid and somewhat shocked. I promised from that day never to go to the psychiatric hospital again.
The person that supervised the visits with me asked for a family meeting. She said it was time that the children had unsupervised visits. Mia wanted a meeting at family court. The woman became sterner with Mia and told her that this was the final decision and the consequences of not allowing the children to visit me were not good. If she didn’t bring the children... the police would. I sat quietly as well as the children. Mia was in tears and looked like the world was falling on her. I understood why she had a problem and to be honest felt sorry for her. But I wanted my children in my life
Despite the fact I wanted a new job, as it would give a purpose in life, I didn’t get one. I was sent on courses and a resource place to see what I could. In the end, I was told it was best if I go on disability. This was bad news, but I could always get a job if I felt better. The problem I had was depression, voices, hallucinations and constant anxiety. Officially it was called borderline personality disorder. Going on disability did improve my economy. This was helped by the fact that Christopher was finally 18, and I did not have to pay child money to Mia.
It was about time to move to a place I could get help
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