got my first job after being qualified as a pedagogue. It was at a little pre-school in the middle of the countryside. It was in the middle of nowhere. There was a pre-school, a school and an after school care, so it was quite special. There were about 20 children in the preschool and we were 3 adults, which was quite good. The job interview was done before my final exams, and it was the only one I was at. Being a man helped me as it was the general consensus that more men should be employed at preschools.
The first day I went to work was special and surreal. I no longer had to win peoples approval. I was now qualified and could be at a pre-school. This was no longer a short-term job or a job that would judge me. I came in full of hope and expectations.
As I said the pre-school was situated in the middle of the countryside, and the children all came from very liberal parents, some were artists and others were farmers. This was an advantage, as we had no children that were in danger or any social problems. Overall it was a small but happy community. Plus as I said we were 3 pedagogues with 20 children, which was far better than other places!
The worse thing about starting at a new place was that I was green. I had no experience. I needed to find my place and find where I can influence things. I worked with two women; one was the same age as me and had quite a dominant personality that wanted everything to be done her way. She also had a temper and often her voice could be heard all over the place. The other one was older and was a bit quiet. She was also the deputy boss so she spent some time in the office.
The first day started with a meeting. I was in a good mood, yet some part of me was afraid as everything was so new. The younger pedagogue whose name was Gretchen welcomed me. She said she knew I was just finished getting my degree, so I was still green and inexperienced. She told me I should just do what they did and follow their example. The smile was wiped off my face and I wanted to explode. I sat there and said nothing, basically because I did not want to cause drama on my first day.
I had a little scooter, which was my transport to work. It struggled away at 25 km per hour, but it gave me lots of time to think. A lot of my thoughts were that I had to prove myself at work. I may have been new on the job, but I had plenty of experience with children. The message I got to just do what they said was an insult. I did not want to be submissive or a helper. I got paid the same for them and had the same contract. I decided I would be myself and hoped no drama would happen.
One of the first problems I got myself in was about cotton wool. I was sitting with children that were cutting animals and colouring them from paper. One girl was doing a sheep, so I asked her did she want to do something I did when I was a child. She was excited so I got cotton wool and told her she could paste some and make the sheep look soft. She smiled as she did this. Gretchen got mad, and this surprised me that someone could even get mad at cotton wool. She explained she did not like cotton wool, it gave her the creeps. She did not want children working with cotton wool . I told her I would remember this, but we have now started, so she could go into the next room.
It took me 30 mins to drive on my scooter to work, and it was one of the first scooters ever made. We had a car, but Mia used that to go to work, as I had no driving licence. One day I remember it snowed so much, that it took me 2 hours to get back. I pushed the scooter through snow and could hardly see what was in front of me and I was cold and wet. I was so tired and shaking because I was cold when I came back, which made Mia smile and help me warm up. I learned that day that we had some extra money so I could take a bus.
I made a rule that when I came home from work that I did not want to be spoken to. I needed a break from the children and Mia’s need to plan and play family. I sat down at my desk and just listened to music or read something. This isolation annoyed Mia that most likely also wanted a rest. In a way, I never forgave her for not returning to the UK. When I started working, I did less and less at home leaving Mia to do the work. Was I Lazy or did I think it was Mia would do the chores anyhow?
It is not like I did not have enough to do at work. Every day I tried to get more respect from the two others. I used the latest theories, so I was a breath of fresh air. I had good relationships with the children, and I was known to be hyper! Despite this, I still overdid it at times. Once a mother was telling me she had a problem potty training her child. She was worried about this for months. This problem was very important to me, as I experienced it when I was younger that I wet the bed. I told her it was important to have patience and gave her information about a hospital that specialised with children that had incontinence problems. When one of the pedagogues that I worked with heard this, she was fuming as the boy was her contact child. In a way she was right, we each had a group of children that we were responsible for, but the mother did come to me, and I tried my best in letting her know how normal it was and where she can get help.
One problem with my work is that I took it home with me. The problems children and their families were not serious, despite this, I wanted the children to have the best start in their lives, so I often sat at home thinking how I could do better at work. I also spoke with Mia’s mother that had knowledge of child psychology. We would discuss some problems children had when we stayed up for dinner. I must admit that we took over the conversation. Looking back, I did it because there was something I felt good about, and in a family where everyone was so intelligent, this was something I was good at. Mia did not like it and said I was like a little child getting my entire mother in-laws attention, so others could not even speak with her.
Needless to say, I started to visit her parents less, which also annoyed Mia.
I can admit that I saved a child's life once. We were eating one day and a child was choking on some food that he was eating. The sound he was making was scary as if he just wanted a bit of air. His face was going blue and you could see the fear in his eyes. The two women I was working with were discussing how to save his life. One was saying we should hang him up by his feet and shake and the other one was saying we should press his stomach. In the meantime, the poor child was gasping for air! I got up and pressed his stomach and luckily he spat out the food he was choking on. The two women were quiet for a few minutes after while I sat with the little boy, calming him down after such a dramatic experience. Then they unified in telling me that what I was done was dangerous, as I could have broken his ribs. I was speechless, we saved this boy’s life and all they could say that I endangered his life! When did they plan on saving his life?
Christopher recognised something about pedagogues very early in his life. He thought we were very good at talking about children but at times we could not be with them.
We had a pedagogue weekend. This is where we stayed at some house for a weekend and talked about our work. I hated it a lot, as it meant I would be away from my secure home. It meant that I had to be social. I hated especially that we had to sleep there. I do not think there is anyone in the world that snores louder than me. I always thought it would give Mia tinnitus.
In the evening, we played two strange games. First, someone acted like one of the parents, and as others had to guess. It was not flattering and reflected the strange side of parents and their families. Another strange game was to guess what job each child would have when they were older. The conclusion I got from this was that we didn’t expect much from them. This shocked Mia when I later told her, and we both wonder what was said by our children's pedagogues and teachers,
As for sleep, I did not sleep on this weekend. When the others slept, I sat outside and waited to the sun rose.
I was somehow very aware that I was the only man in the kindergarten, and there was a lot of coverage in the press about men that abused children. I told everyone at a staff meeting that being abused is something that lasts a lifetime. I did not know where this came from as if someone asked me if I was abused, I would say no. I told them the best way to ensure no abuse at our institution was to have open doors. No matter where I was, people can come in at any time. I also said we had to accept if a child did not want a certain adult to change their diaper. This could be both a man or a woman. This policy was applauded.
There was a lesbian couple that had a child that went there. The girl always was at my side and it was clear I was her favourite adult. I never thought children benefited from parents with the same sex. This couple challenged my conservative beliefs. Their daughter was a happy child and had friends. There was one weird side about her, she always put her hands under my t-shirt or top. I must have told her many times not to do it as it was not right. This did not stop her. One day while I was sitting on a sofa, she started her game again, but her hands went up to where she started feeling my nipples. I was thinking about why she was doing this. To be honest, I was also thinking if this was sexual or not? Her two mothers suddenly came in and I blushed so much. Then one of the mothers said it was good she had a male role model in her life, and she was probably amazed that I did not have boobs like her mother.
Mia and I were now earning wages. So we decided it was time to get our own house. We were very naïve and not very wise, as we picked the first house that we visited. It was a typical parcel house from the 1970s. It had no front door, just a side door. Everything inside it was 70 styles, and many would not like it if they saw it. However, we could see our small family living there. One of the great things about the house was that it had a huge garden and a huge kitchen garden. It also had many different types of trees and bushes. The main thing is that we now owned a house and this was another step in our lives.
We moved to Sønderholm. Christopher was going to school there, and Sebastian went to kindergarten there.
I was only 27, but I felt like an old man. Christopher was officially starting at school. He was no longer a toddler and he was starting on an important milestone in his life. I had tears coming down my face when we walked him to class on the first day. It was embarrassing that I was so emotional, and I managed to hide it well. I was so proud of Christopher, yet our relationship was not as close as it was before. Looking back at it, I expected a lot of him. I expected he was intelligent, popular and an overall nice boy. I even wanted to decide how his hair looked, which often annoyed him. Christian did feel like he did not have me, as he once said that I was excellent with children, except my own. It really hurt me when he said this, but it had an element of truth.
I had another strange experience at work which totally freaked me out. I was sitting with a 5-year-old girl and just after reading her a story. Suddenly I went blank. It was not like I was thinking or even looking at something. Suddenly the girl said stop. My finger was just under the hem of her skirt. Although it was still high on her leg and nowhere close to her privates. I went to the office and had an anxiety attack. What was I doing and did I have any hidden attentions? The fear that I was a paedophile came back again, and it meant a very low self-esteem. I told no one about this, as I was afraid that they would have the same fear and questions and fear as I had.
Work has taken up a lot of my time, and I was trying to balance my work life and my job, as well as being in the scouts and International Friends. Compared to before, Mia and I were together less and we spoke less with each other. The magic was gone and we did not know it. Of course, we were in love with each other; we just never took the time to show it. It must be the same in every relationship. A relationship has to be natured and taken care of. A job or free time activities should not come before marriage. A person changes and I think that married couples sometimes never notices this change or who they are married to.
Time was something I no longer had. So I suggested to the committee of International friends that we close it. The asylum centre where we did the most of our work was long ago closed and besides a few speeches and evenings we had, the organisation was dead. We had lots of ideas and who knows if they would have made a difference. The thing is that no one in the committee had time or energy. Whatever the case was, I could see it was a waste of time, and obviously, the committee could, as International Friends closed its doors.
It was also at this stage that I changed jobs. I applied for a position at the kindergarten where Sebastian attended. This was in the same town we lived in. I applied because there was a job available but really did not mind if I got it or not. If I did get it, it would have been a wish to work in and be an important part of the town I lived in. I did get the job, which pleased me, also because I would no longer be seen as “green”
The Kindergarten worked with a special method called Reggio Emelia. This in short meant we taught children how to learn using the interests that they have. We documented a lot what they did and said and used this to see what they were interested in and used this so they can learn. Quite a lot of time was used documenting and talking about the documentation.
I was delighted that I was at the same institution as Sebastian. I never did see much of him as he was playing with his friends. But it was special that each day we walked to work and when I was done we walked home. He was in a different group than mine, so I did not have to worry about him in a professional way.
Once in a while, we gave speeches to inspire and teach other pedagogues and teachers in Reggio Emelia. A woman worked at our kindergarten, which was very smart and quite known for these speeches. Her name was Kirsten. When I started working at the kindergarten, I was asked if I would help her do an educational evening for other pedagogues. I agreed and promised I would do my best. So I changed the way she usually did it. I talked about a project I did with children and how hard it was to document it. I simply asked would my work have been better if I did not document so much, and would it not be better using that time with the children? Needless to say, everyone agreed. Being a total fanatic about a teaching method has limits.
The problem was Kirsten's speech was far too positive and boasting how great her projects were. I heard that her speech was somewhat self-promoting while mine was more provocative and honest. Kirsten was mad at me for the speech I gave and this was to be our relationship.
She was intelligent, and she was good with children and had great ideas. This made me somewhat jealous and a bit afraid of her, as anytime she spoke to me, she never said what I was doing was good; she always found the bad things about the work or came with advice in what she would do. I tried talking to her but to no avail. She knew all there was to know. I found myself trying to please her or make her happy. When I realized this I tried to avoid her. It ended where the leader called us to a meeting where we tried to sort out our differences… to no avail.
Internet was now part of our lives, and I spoke with people all over the world, usually, political conversations on MSN (was a chat service like Skype). One day, someone I hardly knew asked if the display picture I had on MSN was really me. I thought this was a strange question and admitted it was me. He told me he would recognise my eyes anywhere and sent me a picture. When I opened it, he asked if it was me. It was a picture of a boy sitting in a white dress holding a teddy bear. I told him he cannot see we have the same eyes and the discussion stopped there.
It didn’t stop for me. The boy in the white dress was me. My big question was how? Then something weird happened, I was standing beside my body looking at me just staring at the picture wondering how and when the picture was taken.
What I did not know is this picture would destroy me!
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