It didn’t stop for me. The boy in the white dress was me. My big question was how? Then something weird happened, I was standing beside my body looking at me just staring at the picture wondering how and when the picture was taken.
I had to go on a course in Sweden. Basically, to observe how they taught their pre-school children, I was not looking forward to going as it meant sleeping away from home and besides this, I would have to understand people speaking Swedish. The tour did not go well. Visiting the preschools was the only thing that did go well and I admit that I did learn some things.
However, I have learned that even people who have a job taking care of others can be evil. I shared a room with another man. I warned him that he should sleep before I fell asleep, as I snored a lot and it sounded like a train was going through the bedroom. He was nice about it and said that he was used to people snoring. I didn’t try to sleep. Whenever I was away from home, I always tried not to fall asleep. I would fall half ways asleep and always try to wake myself up. The next morning, I found my roommate up and getting dressed. He told me that he slept in the bathtub!
All that day, the others that were on the trip snickered and whispered every time they saw me. The man spoke with me at lunchtime and said he traded a room with someone else, so I can get their room. It was a single room, so I would not bother anyone. I took my suitcase and found the room. The woman handed me the key and said that she was unsure if she wanted to sleep in the same room as him, as he recorded me snoring and then played it to everyone. I was in disbelief! Were we adults or what? I did not say a word to the man, and he knew it and he knew why, because every time he looked at me, he had some guilt.
When I came back to Denmark, it did not become easier. We had a staff meeting shortly after I came back. Usually, these staff meetings were marathon meetings. They started at 5 pm where we used 30 minutes eating pizza followed by the meeting which ended about 6 hours later! Our boss decided it would be good if we would do an exercise in communication. So if someone in the staff group did things that annoyed us, we could be honest and admit it. So the first started and she had a problem with me that I always forgot to empty the dustbins. Then it was the second person had a problem the way I forgot to sweep under furniture. In fact, all the staff had problems with me. It was not problems with my work with the children, it was small things. Despite this, it hurt my ego that everyone had a problem with me.
I did not want to go to work the next day. I still went.
At home, I was also not as happy as I used to be. Since I got that picture of me wearing a white dress and holding a teddy bear, I had so many questions. When was it taken and why was it on the net? Were there other pictures of it?
I started searching on the net, and within no time I was searching child porn pictures. There were many things going through my head. I would sit and look at the picture wondering how much pain the child was in and did they try to say no. My emotions were strange when I was seeing these pictures. I would get an anxiety attack and started sweating. Sometimes I would be in tears and confused about what I was doing. Sometimes it was like I stood beside my body and looked at myself looking at the pictures. During all this, I was trying to find pictures of me, and this confused me as well. Why did I expect to find pictures of me? What was my brain hiding from me?
The fact that I looked at a child porno convinced me that I was a paedophile. Still, I was certain that I would never hurt a child.
I really cared about the group of children I had at my work. I wanted each of them to have the foundation for a great future. I wanted to defend them against things such as mobbing and being hurt. I told them never to keep a secret from their parents if someone did something bad to them. The only thing they should keep a secret was the Christmas gifts. This was something I told children a lot. Looking back at it, I understand. It was something I wished someone told me!
However, in my mind, I was thinking that I was a paedophile. This could be seen when children wanted to give me a hug. I pushed them away. Deep in my head, I knew I was looking at nude pictures of children and some child porn. I did not want to enjoy a hug from a child. I did not want others to see me enjoying given a hug. This burden was heavy on my shoulders. It made me feel like such a bad person.
There was one young girl called Anneke that gave me a hug every time I came to work. She always wanted me to sit on my lap so we can read a story or chat. I started pushing her away and ask her to sit beside me while we read a story or something. One day her mom said she wanted to speak with me. My boss suddenly joined the conversation. The mother said that her daughter was happy when I was at work as she felt secure when I was there. She also followed the debate in the media that some men that worked with children were paedophiles. She finished by saying that she trusted me and hoped that I would give her daughter some hugs!
The problem was not who trusted me; it was the turmoil in my head.
At home, I began to isolate myself in my office. It was not just finding pictures and feeling both anxiety and depression. I also was involved in a computer game. It was a geopolitical sim where a player controlled a country. It was very primitive and done on a forum. I only played a country for two weeks, and then was asked if I would control and moderate Europe. This means that every day, I got requests for actions and players budgets. It took me a few hours to go through them and generate the news.
Soon I was asked to be a head administrator. Many of the players liked this, as I was as far as I could be. The veteran players did not like it as they were previously treated different and better than newbies. Still, this game took a lot of my time and was killing my marriage. Slowly I stopped doing my chores in the house and got mad at Mia would be begging for my help.
Looking back at it, she was not only begging her husband for help but also her husband back!
In public, I was a success and people thought I was happy. I would always be known as the Irish guy that was once in a while hard to understand. I was still in the scouts but was not in the same group as Mia. It was hard to be in the same group as we had two children to be babysat. We began at the local group where we moved and quickly became prominent. Some must have noticed my leadership skills as I became the head leader, in charge of the local group. I did this job with all my heart and soul and my aim was that we would be a major part of the town. The number of scouts was slowly going up and I judged this if it was a success or not.
Things were going worse and worse between Mia and myself. We were quickly becoming more like good friends than a married couple. Our life was becoming a list of duties and who should do what. We tried going on weekends together, and these were a success in the fact we remembered that we loved each other. However, when daily life started again, we quickly became “best friends” again.
Christopher was also drifting away from me. I was very worried about him because he had very few friends. This meant that we had a lot of conflicts where I never listened to him. He tried telling me that he had a few good friends and was happy with this. It still worried me when we heard stories that he was tied to a flag post or was teased. Christopher would always try to come to my office but was often kicked out again. Things were not totally lost. Christopher and I would sometimes play a computer game, or go out and buy one. I would tell him not to tell his mom we spent money, and of course, he told her. We also went to eat a burger at times. Despite he was slowly drifting from me, I loved him so much and was so proud of him. I just never always showed it.
Mia must have known the illegal activities I had, as one day she called me into her office. She had one of my floppy discs that had some pictures of children on them. She wanted to know what I was up to. I told her I did not know. Then I was asked if I wanted to destroy my life, her life and children's life. I didn’t know what to answer her and said it most likely means I have paedophile tendencies. Mia was mad and said that I should stop doing it. It could end up destroying the family!
I knew why I did it. I wanted to understand myself better. However, why did these pictures make me think I will understand myself better? If only I remembered what my brain hid.
There was some happiness at this stage of my life. I finally got my driving license. I think I must have been the oldest person ever to get it. Despite having influenza, I passed the theory exam and it took two times for me to pass the driven part. I loved driving the car. I would turn on the music very loudly and just drive. It felt like I was at most peace here.
I was also happy that Sebastian went to the same kindergarten. Sebastian and I were close as a Dad and son. I think this was because I could see so much of him in me. He was really the only one allowed to come in and visit me when I hid in my office. He loved it when we played football games. When he was younger, people always thought he was a girl, because he had Shirley Temple curls. I understood how he felt. He lost these curls as he got older. He was not an easy child. It took us months to get him out of diapers.
I often had to open the kindergarten, as I lived so close to it. Mia would already be on her way to work as I woke up at 5:30 am. One morning I was running late. I told Sebastian to hurry and get his clothes on. As I was shaving I asked him was he dressed. He said yes and then was told to put his snowsuit on. When I came out, I was so proud of him that he got dressed. When we came to work, he told me he was big enough to take his snowsuit off. Maybe there was hope for him. I smiled at how good a Dad I was that my 4-year-old son was now more independent. However, when the next staff member came, she found him and asked me why he was still in pyjamas!
There was a girl called Sandra from the scouts, I knew her from the kindergarten. She was 7 years old when all this happened. She was what we called a problem child as she could be violent with other children as well as do anything to seek attention. This mostly was against males. She was in my group at scouts and did her utmost to get my attention. She would always be at my side and got mad if another child got my attention. As a scout leader, I was quite firm with her. I disliked her attitude and the way she treated others.
Still, she shocked me once in a while. She always tried to touch my stomach by putting her hand up my scout uniform shirt. I panicked every time she did it and had to remove her hand, telling her I did not want it and it was against a boundary I had. She would sulk and always try again later. Another time she sprang to my knees and gave me a kiss on the mouth while she said that she loved me. This shocked me and my first thought was how does she know what love was. I told her that I loved Mia and was sure that Sandra would get a boyfriend when she was old enough. Then she lifted her skirt and took my hand and pulled it down to her panties. I was in shock and just sat there as she sat there smiling. After so many thoughts were going through my head, I removed my hand and in a mad voice said I could go to jail for that.
It didn’t stop there. On a weekend, I slept alone in the scout leader room with Sebastian that was 5 at the time. When I woke up one morning at camp, I found Sandra standing there. She just looked at me while I was trying to wake up and figure where I was. I only wore underwear to bed and the sheet was kicked off me. She suddenly held my penis and just asked if she could play with it. I was trying to understand what was happening as she held it and wanted to play with it. I never heard of a 7-year old that asked that! I quickly took her hand away and told her to get out of the room.
When her mother came to pick Sandra up, I told her everything. This, of course, worried her mother and wanted to know why she would even do this. I told her that the scouts can help her, but she had to respect the adult's boundaries. If she continued trying to play with and seduce the adults, we would have to kick her out of the scouts.
After that weekend, I started to think about why Sandra did those things. I suspected her Dad had some part in it, but that is a huge allegation. I still believe a 7-year-old would not do those things by herself. She must have learned it somewhere. I knew the family since I took care of the children in kindergarten, and I was not the only one that did not suspect something was going on. However, I could not just go out and say what I suspected. I would need proof and I did not have that.
I also had to look inside me. Did she get signals from me that she could do the things she did? Did I wait too long until I told her to stop? Did I wait because I was in shock or did I like it? The question that haunted me for years was now very relevant. Was I a paedophile?
I cannot answer the questions above. Looking back at it I think I could have reacted sooner, which means a part of me liked it.
At home, I tried to escape reality even more by locking myself in my room and going on the computer. I had now a reputation as an admin in the geopolitical game. It was a world inside the computer where people thought I was good and appreciated what I did for them. I quit the game to start another game. This was a huge risk and everyone thought I would fail. The new game was a political sim based on the British parliament. It quickly became a success.
I noticed that Mia and I were drifting apart. So I told her about the British game and said it could be something we could do together. She did not want to help administrate it but agreed that she and Christopher could be a MP (Member of Parliament) in the game. Christopher was about 8, so he could boast that he was the youngest player in a political game, and I would guess he still has this record. Mia is no politician and does not speak often about politics. This could be seen in the game where she was a humanitarian. One of Mia’s and Christopher’s first moves was to give all homeless people sleeping bags. One just has to ask what it would be like if we had politicians like them. The world would be in a better place.
At work, I tried my best working with the other women. It was easier when Kirsten (The pedagogue I never got on with) got a job as a teacher in the school. I became a student counsellor. In other words, we had students that studied to be a pedagogue that had practical experience with us. My job was to help and advise them and at the end decide if they passed or not. The fact I got this job showed how far I came from being the pedagogue that annoyed everyone.
One student, I had tested my skills to the limit. She was very insecure and this could be seen in her work, where she was afraid to be seen with children. I told her we needed to have a meeting which would help her. She must have been afraid of this meeting, as the next day there was chaos in the kindergarten when I came to work. The student locked herself in the bathroom. I quickly took charge and asked a pedagogue to take the children someplace else, as they did not need to see this. Then somehow we opened the door and seen her lying on the ground. We moved her into the office and tried to wake her up. When she did, she told us she really wanted to be a pedagogue. Her mother was one and it was her life ambition. I took one of the most serious decisions in my life. I told her she could not work here. I advised that she took a break and worked with her self-confidence.
Most students were good. It was not only a learning experience for them, but also for me. There was one student who could not understand why there was so much noise when we ate lunch. So I suggested we get the video and tape it. When we looked at the recording, we were shocked. She sat on one table with a group of children and I sat on the other side of the room. Despite this, we had a conversation. Of course, we had to speak loud so we could be heard. The reason why children were so loud was that of us.
Children do what they see, not what we do!
Sandra met me in the shop one day. Scouts just have started and I made sure I was in another group that she was in. She was wearing an overall with no shirt under, so everyone could see her chest. The doubts I ever had about being a paedophile came back once again, as I realized I was the first thing I noticed about her. She asked me why I was not her scout leader. I told her that I was needed more in another group. She was quite smart, as she asked if I was avoiding her. I smiled and said the world does not go around her.
Sandra quit the scouts.
It was also time for Sebastian to start school. The kindergarten thought he should go to a special class. Their reason was that he was not mature enough, did not want to work in groups and still wanted to play. They said he had a huge imagination. They also gave an example that when he read a book, he sat on his head. This was also a hard time for me as on one side the pedagogues was the people I worked with and on the other hand, this was my child. Mia and I discussed it a lot. I told her nothing was said about his intelligence, as I thought he was intelligent. Christopher was very social and it would be hard for him if he started at a school without his friend and this could really cause problems. His play was very structured. He would empty a box and place one car beside another car. In the end, it would be one long line. It was very important where each car went. Mia agreed so for a few months we had a big discussion with the staff and had to hear things like it was no shame to have a child in a special class.
Sebastian started in a normal class and did very well at school!
We had another scout weekend. After the troubles I had with Sandra, I never slept in the camps anymore. Mia wondered why this was such a problem, but it was hard to tell her the full reason.219Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SaQyj6Oda
We did go on one of our Romantic weekends to a hotel in Germany. It was just Mia and me. We used these weekends to rekindle the love we had for each other. We discussed it would be nice to have a third child. This caused me trauma as I was still afraid I was a paedophile. I knew that I never touched my boys in any way, but what would happen if we got a girl? This fear destroyed any sex life we had and at the end, I could not even perform! The German hotel was nice and it was great I was with Mia and it was only us.
My world fell apart when we came home. I opened the post-box and there was a letter from the police. They wanted me to come in the next day for questioning!
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