My mum and dad were driving me to a boarding school in a town about 2 hours from us. I was in the back seat of Dads truck with a big smile on my face. This was freedom away from my strict parents, and from the hidden world, I had as a child whore and porn star. Now was my chance to have a normal life. It would be a new life where I was the same as everyone else. The only difference was that this was the first step to me being a pope. On the road to Waterford, as we passed one town after another town, I had tears going down my eyes, as I remembered many of the men that had sex with me. I remembered every step of their molestation and abuse. Kevin was disappointed about me starting at a boarding school but said I was to meet him during the weekend when I was home.
This was a new start. I could let Kevin be part of my past
We finally came to the school at Waterford. It was huge. It was about 4 or 5 stories high. As we were driving up to it, we passed tennis courts and football fields, and lots of bushes. We went into the building carrying my suitcases. The entranceway was huge. It had a special smell of wax and wood. A religious brother was there and told us he would lead us to the dorms. He had to tell me to hurry on as I was looking at the pictures and statues and pictures of former pupils. We walked upstairs and stairs until we came to the dorms. They looked like a horse stall. The cubicle has three wooden sides with a curtain that closed for privacy. I suddenly started to sweat and shake as I saw the bed. I was starting to think this was not a good idea. The problem was that I snored, in fact, I snored so loud, that I sounded like a train choking on coal.
Before I knew it I was alone. I sat on my bed thinking that I was alone by myself. To be honest, I was very afraid. This was a chance for a new life, but what would this new life mean? The fact was I knew what my old life was. I knew it meant living at home with very strict parents and when they were not looking… being a whore for men. Now I was in a huge school with 1500 borders and daycare boys and alone. What will my life be like now?
I saw a boy looking over the wooden wall. He said I must be new. Then he told me to come to him so we could meet each other. I found his bed and sat down while he unpacked. The first thing he said to me was that I had long eyelashes and long hair. I sat on his bed looking him at unpacking. He said my voice was high pitched and did I ever enter puberty? Of course, he asked how rich my dad was and he laughed that I came from a small town. I thought this boy would not a friend because, to be honest, he was a jerk. I was also in shock when he started shaving his legs. This was totally a new thing. Why would a boy shave their legs?
The first night did not do well, as no one else got a lot of sleep with my snoring. The next day everyone told me how can a boy that did not talk that loud make such a noise when I was asleep? Some boys were nice and gave me suggestions after suggestions on how I should stay quiet at night time.
Another problem I had at boarding school was the toilets. I never did like public toilets as I had so many bad experiences with them. I didn’t want to sit on a toilet and know there were people close by. I never felt safe like this. So the first few days was trying to find out a solution for this. At last, I found the Religious brothers never used the toilet on their floor, so this became my throne for my time in the boarding school
To celebrate school was restarting, we saw a film that night. It was about a girl that dressed as a boy to investigate something only a boy could do. The film was funny and it did take some time fly by. When it was done, I was walking alone through the hallway, and I could hear boys behind me asking was I really a girl disguised as a boy? To make things worse, they shouted “princess” and I don’t know why I did it, I turned around. From that day I was called princess and if I argued too much about it, they would say if I was not a princess, I was Quasimodo…two names that I hated. I remembered I looked in the mirror and wondered why people always thought I looked like a girl. This was not the fresh start I was planned
It was very lonely at the school, as no one wanted to be friends, so I spent the first few days exploring the huge building and outside. I knew every corner of it after a few days. We were allowed to smoke in the smoking shed, so I tried to make friends out there. I smoked a bit since I was 10, by finding old cigarette butts left by my dad or snitching one from a pack. It was very dark when I found the boys that smoked. An older boy offered me a cigarette and I thought I was now making friends - However; I lit the cigarette from the wrong end so the filter went up in flames. They started laughing and saying I must be a little girl. I never went out there again.
I found a corner and cried.
That night, and every night while I was in Waterford, I waited to the others slept and then tried to sleep. I do not think people heard me snore but when I woke up, the whole bed was wet. I could not believe it. I was 16 and I wet the bed! This was probably the most embarrassing thing I had to do, was tell a brother my bed was wet. He was nice about it and said that it must be the stress at sleeping in another bed. The problem was my mattress was changed with a rubber mattress. These mattresses make lots of noise!
I continued to wet the bed every night.
I still thought that I could make a friend. I did not understand what it took to be popular. How can someone who shaves their legs be popular? I was not mean and never teased anyone. Why did they not like me? It didn’t help when people found out that I had a rubber sheet. It sort of gave the image that I was either a girl or a momma’s boy. There was one boy called Larry that I thought looked very normal. So I followed him. I refused to believe he did not want to speak with me. He never said a word and I did all the talking. I followed him like a little kitten and did not understand the fact he did not want to be associated with me. It was when he walked so quick, that I nearly had to run that I got the message. He did not want to speak with me. Years later, when I walked with my mother in law, she would also walk fast, and it took me a while to understand that she was not trying to escape me.
Of all the experiences I had so far, I classed Larry’s as the evilest. He could just have told me.
Once again I found a corner and cried. I could not see any hope. My plan to start a fresh new life was destroyed. I picked up the telephone and rang my mum that I wanted to be picked up and I would be ready for two hours. I honestly expected that my mum would tell dad to drive me to Waterford and pick me up. She did not do this and told me to wait a few days. My aunt was coming to Waterford and we could deal with it then.
The next few days I felt like I was a failure. I entered puberty late at 16, I was still going through it. I wondered if this was the reason why no one liked me. Was it because I looked small, and in some cases acted small. Was it because my voice was still a small boy’s voice? Did they know that I wet the bed? My worse thoughts were that they knew I was once a whore for men. What about if their dads had the pictures?
My aunt came and said I would not be coming home. I cried and begged and pleaded with her to let me go home. I don’t know what she said, but she said that I had to survive. She said I was known for my bravery, charm and humour, so use these to survive. I was crying and didn’t listen to her. I felt alone and that my family now deserted me.
It didn’t help that Brother Frank called me into his room at night. He said that from now on I would come to his room before bed. My heart was pumping quick as I thought this meant that he wanted sex. He pointed to his bed and said that I would have to wear a diaper as it would be hell for me if people knew I wet the bed. Once again I started crying and told him that they would tease if they knew I wore the diaper. I didn’t even know there were diapers for my age, but there was a depends diaper on the bed. The brother helped me put it on, and he was not sexual about it. In fact, he knew what problems I was going through and told me that God has a plan for me!
I visited him every night to get the diaper on. I loved doing this, as it meant a human would speak with me. We talked about everything and he often gave me advice. No one ever mentioned the diapers, and I often wondered could they see them and could they hear them?
The first month of school went and it was about to go home for the first time. On the day that I should have gone home, this small boy came up to me. He started speaking to me, saying that it was a lonely place to be. I was very cautious about him and wondered what sort of a setup this was. He told me he was afraid to speak to me as he heard I was weird and could very well be a girl. He said his only friend was a boy called Danny. They came from the same town. Danny told this boy not to be friends with me, as they would never get friends. Fortunately, he did not always listen to Danny. We became friends that day. His name was Cory.
I went home with a smile on my face, as I finally made a friend. I suppose we would see if he was still my friend on Monday. I had to take a bus to a place called Limerick Junction and then a train home. Luckily my mum bought me a Walkman. The journey was long but I enjoyed every minute of it. I was alone and no one could ever bother me. When I came home the first time, my mother was worried if I wanted to stay home. I think my dad was embarrassed that I cried home. I told them I met a friend and I was ok. Even if I wanted to come home, I wouldn’t, as I felt like they did help me when I needed it. I hid in my room all weekend.
On Saturday, I went to meet Kevin where he agreed we would meet. I waited and waited and he did not come. Then it stroke me, maybe I was too old. Maybe he could not use me anymore. Most likely he found a new boy that he was grooming. Whatever the case was, when I walked back home, I felt like a different person. I would no longer be abused and molested by old men. Mom noticed I was in such a good mood.
Saturday night, I was watching something on the TV. It was an interview with Madonna and some music clips. I was smiling because the woman had guts. She didn’t care what other people thought of her, and she believed she should do what she wanted. Of course, I was a Madonna fan at this stage. My brother sent a bootleg tape of her from a club and I was hooked on her since. It was during this time when she had several songs in the top 10 and 2 albums in the top 10. The world was experiencing Madonna Mania. I decided I would survive boarding school, friends or no friends. I found an old denim coat and I went to my mum’s jewellery box and took a leather string pack and some silver chains. I went to the bathroom and spent an hour redoing my hair. I made it split down the centre. On the way back to Waterford, I covered the coat with the chains and used the leather string as a bracelet.
Cory met me at the school, and he was shocked by the changes, saying it was very different. I was smiling because he was still speaking to me and I felt like a different person. It didn’t stop the teasing, but I told Cory I no longer cared if they teased me. I would be who I wanted to be. I told them my new philosophy was to strike back twice as hard at the people that hurt me.
The first person that this happened to was Danny. He was not happy that Cory and I were becoming good friends. To be honest, I tried being friends with him, but he wanted to fit in with the popular group. He was also a snob. He thought he was better than me. At one stage he was teasing me while Cory was there, saying that I had rubber sheets. I was so humiliated and thought that he knew about the diapers. I wrote a message in one of the toilets that he was gay, and he hoped someone would visit his cubical at night time. I thought I was very smart, as I wrote with my left hand. He told us the next day that an older boy came into his cubical. I was laughing so hard. Later he got in trouble for writing on the wall, as no brother would believe him as to why someone else would do it.
I had no diapers when I was home, as I did not want my parents to know. In fact, I hardly wet at home, which was a bit strange. I made my own cloth diapers by putting some towels in my underwear. When I was at school, things became bad again.
I had more courage now, and the new look did raise a few eyebrows, and it even lessened the teasing. Even Larry, the fast walker told me I was growing up. I turned back on him as a sign that I did not want to speak with him. He was the one boy that I could not forgive. He needed my help several times during my time at Waterford, but I always gave him the cold shoulder.
This did not mean I was part of the popular group. I was still down in the social hierarchy. I did not care and promised myself no more tears. The principal called me into the office and said he considered himself as a guide in my quest to be a priest. He said to remember my gentle side, as he observed I was getting too tough. He told me bitterness is what the word itself says… bitter.
I now went home every second weekend. Cory went home every weekend. The weekends when he went home was very tough and lonely. The hours went by so slow and I walked around a lot. The only bit of human contact I got was when the brother helped me with the diaper. It was mainly because of this that I did not mind wearing one. There were two boys that were about 12 years old that always teased me. I felt like hurting them badly, but I never did, as in a way they were just snobs that did not know better. Plus it was a form of human contact!
Another boy who was from England joined our little group. His name was Jake. He was also a loner and hard to get to know. He had strange thoughts. He was very anti-social and I wondered if he liked life at all. Despite this, he qualified to be in our group as he was not liked by the popular boys. So now we had a group of 3, and when Danny felt alone, he tried his best to fit in. He was only accepted because he was Cory’s friend.
I was great friends with Jake. It is like he had no social norms or values. Like one day we were playing chess, and I never had the patience for this. Luckily I was positioned where I was taking all his important pieces off the board. One after another, I was wiping his most important pieces out. Suddenly Jake started throwing the pieces and board across the room. I ducked as they were aimed at me. When I saw him lifting the chair, I decided to run out of the room. Needless to say, I was in shock as I thought it was so violent and totally unfair. Jake didn’t speak to me after. Cory told me he expected me to say sorry. Things were going from bad to worse as I was definitely not going to apologise for winning a game. This meant Jake sat by himself and I hung around Cory. It was hell on earth as I was waiting when he would take the first step. The problem is that he was waiting for me to take the first step.
There is a town park across from the school. It was a good escape from the school grounds. I was there one day after school and sat on a bench. It was a good place to escape from constantly being with people. I was in deep thought when Jake sat down beside me. He said no one can see who is taking the first step. I sort of ignored him. He then apologised for losing his temper and says it’s something that happens once in a while. He also felt hurt that I ignored him after. I told him that I was afraid of him. He gave me a hug and I suggested we just forget about it. We were friends again as if nothing ever happened. We talked about other things
I was happy again, not knowing that someone saw us sitting on the bench
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