It was also at this time that I moved. I was advised to move to a protected housing. In other words, I lived in a flat, but there was staff nearly all the time. 8 others with mental problems had flats in the same building. We had a common kitchen and sitting room. The reason for moving there was that I could get some help when I needed it. Christopher liked the idea as he said he would not have to worry about me.
We all have different problems, and I considered myself one of the “better off”.
Despite what I thought of myself, my contact person wanted a special nurse to visit me and help me. This was refused as it was said I was not bad enough. This caused a few jaws to drop but came as no surprise to me, as I was told earlier by a doctor that I did not need help. I could just get medicine and let that solve my problems. At times I wished the doctors could try one day in my shoes. It was easy to see I had problems. I had social phobia. I was afraid to come out of my flat. My self-esteem was at its lowest. I had a lot of anxiety and I worried a lot. Sometimes I could not sleep with the voices and hallucinations.
It was at this time that Mia got married again. This was something I dreaded. However, it did not affect me as I always dreaded. Besides the fact the husband had a similar name to me, I knew our time was over. At this stage, she refused to speak with me and it was very clear she wanted me out of her life! So she met someone who can give her the dream of a fairy-tale.
It was also at this time, I got a girlfriend. It was one of the women that lived here. I don’t think it was love. It was most likely to forget about Mia getting married. Sven did not like that I had a girlfriend, but I explained I felt as if he and I had more than a normal relationship. The relationship with this woman lasted a few weeks. Another man that lived here became interested in her, and before I knew it they were a pair. So she sent me a letter breaking up. We remain friends and the man and she is still together, so it was for the best.
I stopped with that geopolitical sim, as I started logging on to Second Life. It is a virtual world where people live a life outside real life. I was a child in Second Life. It was like having a second childhood. I had a mother and Dad and some sisters. The problem with second life is that I actually became that person as he was very real for me. He even had/has his own Facebook! I was happy when I was there. The negative thing was it was my life.
I did have a job where I lived. I offered to take care of the money that paid for the common expenses. This means I had to make a budget. When I started this job, we had to pay 1100 kr or a month! I asked myself where this money went. So people were surprised when I presented the new budget and suggested we only pay 450kr. I questioned nearly everything that was spent, and this caused some frustration and debate. I became to be known as a miser. People did not understand that it was a principle thing for me. I do not mind paying for common expenses, but when people use it privately then I had a problem. I still have problems with it, but I try now to compromise
On second life, I started a business where I made clothes. I found that I had a talent for designing children clothes and quickly became a success. Sebastian often wondered why I could have such a success in a virtual world, but not in real life. However, the business of Second life meant I never really felt lonely. The profits I made from it went to real-life charities, such as Save the Children and The fight against Cancer. So I figured at least some good was coming from it all.
It was also at this time that I got cancer in the testicles. I had one removed. I used my humour to deal with it, as I said I was now “Einstein”. I had to get chemo which meant I lost all my hair. I also lost a lot of weight. This meant for 3 months, I was constantly weak and sick. I was never worried that I would die. I met this woman in the hospital that knew she would die and she had two small children. This set things in perspective. The hardest was I had to go to a hospital that was 200 km from where I lived a few times a week.
This was the first time I saw my mother mad at Mia. Mia never visited or contacted me. I am sure if I was dying she would not have come. My mother thought this was too much as we were married for 14 years! I shrugged my shoulders. Mia must have found out as she did send me an email with one line that she hopes I get better.
After cancer, I stayed in my flat more and more. I was afraid to come out. I had all I needed in my second life. I did not have a past there, I had many friends and I did not feel like a monster.
I still had my boys, but they visited me separately. This was the best as they had two different personalities. Christopher was extremely intelligent and somewhat more serious while Sebastian was the opposite. They wished themselves to come separately, and I found out how good that could be. I could give each my attention. They both accept at times if I am not well enough to get visits. We usually cook and then take our time eating. It is the perfect opportunity for me to get an update on what is happening in my lives.
We went on a trip to Ireland for a few weeks. We rented a car and visited different places. Of course, I was in an accident when I tried to go past a parked car and hit the side of it. No one was hurt but we had a damaged car for the whole trip! It was great to see family and it was great spending so much time with my boys. I doubt we would ever get this chance to do this again. Despite I was often tired and my body could not do as much as they could. The trip with them was some of the happiest moments in my life!
My parents annoyed me as usual. As soon as I see my Dad, he didn’t greet me; he questioned the way I looked. I know I gained weight. I know I was tired after driving 4 hours from the airport. Indeed I probably looked like hell. So during the visit, I heard how bad I looked, and I should take more care of myself. I know they were most likely worried about me, but I did not want to be treated like a child. I did not want my parents deciding how I should look. Nothing was right. My hair was too long, I was overweight and my clothes were too casual.
Another problem was when I found out my youngest brother was in prison. He was there because he groomed a 14-year-old girl. He wanted to have sex with her. In his defence, he said that he was abused as a child. I quickly thought of the man that abused me, but then thought that I would have known. It later was shown that he molested his own daughter. This was not good. The whole family was in shame, especially my parents. They could not even go to their local church. He is still in prison, and I am the only one besides my parents that promised will keep in contact with him.
Back in Denmark, I was less on Second Life (the virtual world.) I stopped designing clothes but worked at a Catholic school. The Catholic school made me new online friends and in a way, it was bringing me back to God.
Christopher got married. I felt so old and yet was so proud of him. I have very little contact with his wife. I always had the fear that Mia told them that I was a monster. However, she does come with Christopher once a year or so. The wedding showed that life goes on and love does exist. After the wedding, I tried to congratulate Mia. Her new husband had to poke her to notice me. I could see that he loved her and treated her right. At last, she found true love.
As for me, it has been years since I had a new girlfriend or boyfriend. I must simply admit to myself that I am no good at relationships and besides that… I got to use to living alone.
One night I hallucinated that Mia visited me. She often does that. However this time she asked me could we not get together again. She would divorce the new man as she realized I was the true love of her life. I told her we can be friends, but we could not be romantically together. Too much has happened and we were now different people. When I stopped hallucinating, I was so happy. It was like we were finally divorced, and I had no need for Mia.
I feel that I am on the right path now.
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