My world fell apart when we came home from the Romantic weekend. I opened the post-box and there was a letter from the police. They wanted me to come in two day’s time for questioning!
The letter did not say why to go to the police. Waiting to go to the police station was so slow and I kept on thinking about what I did. I suspected it was something to do with Sandra, but why would it take them so long to respond, as I told their mom everything! I saw Sandra at school when I collected my children and at the shop the week before, so why was I being arrested all of a sudden.
I have smoked a small bit since I was a teen and since I came to Denmark, it grew and grown until I became a chain smoker. Mia did not smoke and despised smoking. A month before I got that letter from the police, I tried to get off cigarettes. I tried using expensive plasters. I was proud of doing this as it meant I would live a few years more, and stop Mia's concerns and worries and of course her ever-increasing nagging.
Mia escorted me to the police, where I was told I was not being arrested, but questioned. The policeman said I was accused of molesting Sandra. I sat in shock as this was being said. Technically she touched me and I touched her, but it was her that done all the actions. As the policeman went on about how serious this was, I was considering if I did molest her. A part of me would have been happy doing it but I knew it was lust speaking and not common sense. Just admitting to this, I deserved to sit in the police station! My thoughts were disturbed when he read up her statement. It was actually her mother's statement as Sandra refused to talk with the police.
The statement described how Sandra was quiet and distant at home, and one night she told her mom that I molested her. I felt her privates and forced her to feel mine. Besides that, it was said that I forced her to masturbate me as well as suck me. I was in shock as even the bits that Sandra did were not this bad. The police asked me if I had any comments. I told him my first thought was that mom was putting words in her mouth, but some things did strike me. At no stage did she talk about sperm, which would confuse a 7-year-old if she saw it. I said it’s also strange she kept coming on weekends and wanted me as a leader. Finally, I said it is strange that I should have done this with Sebastian in the room. The policeman thought the statement was not enough and said there is no case as she would not speak with them.
I was let go.
On the way home, I bought cigarettes and kept asking Mia did I allow Sandra to go too far. Mia assured me that she knew I did nothing wrong. Her support meant a lot to me.
The next day, I was called into the boss’s office at work. She knew that I was questioned by the police as the police were also at the kindergarten and investigated how I was with children. I must admit, the police did everything they could to see if I molested children or not. My boss told me that Sandra was always a problem child and I had her full support. There would be rumours and it would be hard for me, but I would have her support.
I hid in the office for a few days and hardly was with any children. I was afraid of what their parents thought or even the staff if a child gave me a hug or sat on my lap. It took me some time to realize that I had the full support of parents and staff. It, of course, helped that Sandra’s family was not respected in the town. What would have happened if they were?
The big shock came when Kirsten visited. She was the woman that I did not get on with when I first came to work at the kindergarten. She came into the staff room where I was hiding. Then she gave me a hug. Nothing was said except that we were both in tears. She told me that she believed in me and this must teach me to take better care of myself and protect myself more. She told me at times I had low self-esteem and was too nice. I still thought she was annoying, despite she knew me so well. At least when she said I had low self-esteem.
I was accused and questioned by the police as being a paedophile. This was tearing me apart day by day. Every time we got mail, I had an anxiety attack. I no longer wanted to leave home because what would be waiting for me when I came home. I hid all the time in the office now. I did not want to speak with anyone and when Mia wanted to plan the next day, I would get mad at her.200Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKprCPlPxMR
Sebastian was the only one allowed to come in. I even hid when we had guests and refused to visit Mia’s parents. It's not like I was happy. At times it was noisy as I could hear so many voices in my head and my thoughts were like spaghetti and I could not think straight. At times I was worried I would get dement or my brain was being pressured too much. I did things to stop me from thinking, like playing the geopolitical sims and listening to music.
I was still in charge of the local scout group. Sandra was no longer a scout and that was good. I buried myself in this work and my aim was to be known as one of the best in the country. The group I was in charge of had a good reputation so people looked at us to see how we were now doing things. I was proud of this work, but it meant I hardly had any contact with any adults. One of my friends at the time said that I was forgetting how to have an adult conversation. My work and free time were full of children except when I was not hiding in my office.
I still looked at pictures but never did find anymore with me. This did not stop me from looking and collecting more. For some reason, I wanted to understand what the children were going through. I wanted to understand paedophiles a lot more. If only I did not block out my own experiences…. And then again…. Maybe I was trying to understand what happened to me. The possibilities were many and it is easy to try and guess why I hunted for child porn pictures. I think it is a mix of understanding myself and exploring the paedophile tendencies I had.
I started going on chats and pretending I was an 11-year-old boy or girl. I was shocked at how many adults asked me about my sex life and if I wanted to meet them. Others would try to convince me that I should seduce my Dad or brother. This talk shocked me as these were adult people that had no respect for 11-year-olds and just considered them as sex objects. I was not that bad! I figured I was on a mission to take up these peoples time, so they would not actually talk to an actual 11-year-old. This seemed ok at the time, but it meant I spoke less to my own children. Despite this people took child porn pictures so others can see. If no one looked at them, there would be no demand. I did not understand that I supported the “industry”
Sandra’s little brother was still in kindergarten, so it was drama every time his mom came to collect him. I usually stood in the kitchen and let her storm in and get her son and then storm out again. Sometimes she shouted at the top of her voice that a paedophile worked at the kindergarten. I tried to be as professional as I could and not reply or show that I heard her.
One day, we were up at the school doing some PR for the scouts. We were putting Tattoos on the children's hands. It was going great until Sandra wanted a tattoo. I was in total shock. This was the girl who supposedly told her mom I molested her, and now she acted as if nothing happened and wanted me to give her a tattoo. I refused to give her one and this upset her. She asked me did I not like her anymore. I was very confused. I let one of the other adults put the tattoo on her and she still wanted me to do it! I told Sandra that her mom and the police would not like me doing it. I will never forget the look on her face; she looked as confused as I was.
Sandra and her family left town shortly after that
I wanted the church to be a place for families, and this was something Mia and I had in common. The priest we had was an old arrogant man, who seemed very much to dislike children. I had to coordinate activities with him on behalf of the scouts and this was no easy task. One event we really wanted was a family-style service in nature and he deeply disagreed with this and thought it should be in a Church. I was stubborn with him and quite honestly did not respect him that much. We managed to set up a service in nature; we just had to find another priest. We had to work a lot with the priest, and this was extremely hard, as there was a lack of respect on both sides.
Each Church has a small committee that is elected in every 4 years. Usually, there are no elections as it is hard enough to fill up the positions that there are. At a scout meeting, I came up with an idea that we should find candidates that would represent the young families. At first, the idea seemed crazy and not part of the scout's work. I talked with Mia and said it would be good for the town even if we got no one elected. It was always good to talk about how the local Church worked and our candidates wanted to ask if families are being forgotten. Mia and 3 others decided they would run. I did not want to run as I figured that I had enough work to do. In the end, Mia and one of her friends were elected in. Mia would in time prove to be a valuable asset.
Around this time, a janitor I knew from the pedagogue training college was arrested. He raped a 10-year-old and killed her after. I didn’t know him, but it affected me a lot. He reminded me of the perverts I spoke on chats. I started to wonder why he would force a 10-year-old to have sex and then after kill her. I knew I had paedophile tendencies, but I could never dream of hurting a child. Would I end up like the janitor?
People, of course, talked about the janitor and the girl. I told my boss a few times that many children are molested and there are many pedos that think with their dicks and does not care about the child. I told her no matter how much you accept it or try to forget it; it could end up screwing up someone's life. She asked me was I molested as a child, but I did not answer that.
This discussion happened with others. I do not remember these discussions but was told about them years later.
I continued looking for pictures and was an 11 year old on chat. My mind was becoming worse as I would go blank when I sat beside my computer. When I snapped back to myself, I would see that I just had a discussion with some paedophile. Sometimes I would stand beside my body and see an 11-year-old chatting on the computer. This was scary as I really believed I was a young boy chatting.
Looking back, I can ask myself how Mia and I never really discussed it. She found the pictures on the disk once and had a suspicion why I have done it. A few times she warned me to stop doing it as I would be caught and this would have fatal consequences. I would be in jail, lose my job and would be hated. The discussion always ended there. Why did I not tell her what I was doing? Why did I not tell her about the tricks my mind was playing on me? Did we grow so far apart that I thought she would leave me if I told her these things?
My parents came to visit us. This was good and bad. I had to listen to them telling me how much weight I gained as well as other things. The trip did go well as it could. We bought new wooden doors for the house and my Dad changed the cheap ones we had with the new fancy doors. Besides that, I do not remember much about the visit.
At work, there was a girl that was one of my favourites. She was the type of daughter that I would love to have. One day, we were sitting in the playground waiting for her mom to come and collect her. She was talking about boys and let me know I was also a boy. This made me smile as it was one of those funny things 5-year-olds could say. However, she must have wanted to prove I was a boy as her hand went down to my privates. I was quick and removed her hand and gave her a speech that she should not touch men in their private areas or men should not touch her. She started crying at how alarmed I was, so I had to tell her it was a mistake she made and I was not mad. I felt bad thinking was there another way that I could tell her it was wrong? However, I felt some peace. After a long time thinking I let Sandra go too far, I now knew that I did not want sexual contact with children. It was all in my head,
You would have thought that this was a good thing. I was slowly becoming worse and worse. Not only did my mind play tricks on me, where I would hear voices, have blackouts and stand beside myself… a problem I had as a teen came back. I had problems with my “plumbing” as I would wet the bed and in the daytime, I would leak. I purchased some pads that would help. I didn’t discuss it with Mia. This was the worst thing about the problems I was having. I had no one to talk with.
I told you about a girl called Anneke before. She was the girl that liked hugs and her mom said it was ok to hug her. Her life was turned upside down when she was 7. Her Dad died of cancer. I went to the funeral and it was one of the saddest things I experienced. I did not know her Dad so well, but I knew Anneke. After the funeral, we were standing outside the church while people were giving their condolences. Anneke came to me and gave me a huge hug. We sat on a bench and did not say much. She just cried and I was doing the best to hold back my tears. She told me that she no longer had a dad. What could I say to that? Then she asked me could she visit me at times. Her mom heard this and everyone started crying. I promised her that she could visit me at any time.
This funeral affected me. I had two children that I was hard with. I was not the best Dad they could have. This was especially for Christopher that was growing further and further apart from me. I tried being the Dad that he needed. Once I took him shopping and rewarded him with a huge wish he had, to get a cell phone. Mia thought he was too young and we argued on why we did not discuss the cell phone first. Mia did not understand. It was a shopping trip to Christopher where we could try and connect again!
Things were now very bad between Mia and me. We tried working together in the scouts again, but this was a catastrophe. We did not work together. I told her what to do and if she had suggestions, I did not want to listen. I treated her harshly and without respect. I wanted to do things my way! I could not see that I was becoming a dictator, and while I treated others with respect, I treated her like dirt.
At home, I was hiding in my office, so in reality, I did not see much of my family.
One day when I was supposed to open the kindergarten, I was taking a shower and when I was about to go out, the handle of the new fancy doors fell off. I had no clothes in the bathroom and was home alone. I sat on the toilet and figured could my life get any worse? I crawled out the small bathroom window and bruised my hip in a bad way. When I went to work I told everyone how I was locked in the toilet. My boss played along but told me later that she did not believe me.
Mia and the boys went on a family weekend. I did not want to go so Mia and I argued why I never saw her family anymore. I just stayed home and hid in my office all weekend.
When they came home, Mia tried to surprise me with a pizza. I took a few slices and went to my office. This upset Mia that told me she really believed we needed counselling. I got mad at this and told her we were happily married. However, I thought about it. We were not happily married. We were like two friends that lived together. We had not even a sex life. Not only was our marriage in trouble, but I was also a bad father that spent no time with my children. To add to all this I felt like I was going insane and my plumbing problems were becoming worse.
Mia was at work the next day when I woke up. I rang to her and apologised for the fight. I said that we needed to change things so we became close again. I suggested we quit the scouts and maybe we could do some activity together. Mia was busy at work and a bit annoyed that I rang to her. She promised we would speak about it that evening,
I was in a good mood at work. I planned that my group would do a circus. Then I was told there was a phone call. It was a man that told me to come home straight away. I thought it was a joke and laughed, but I soon realized that it was no joke.
When I went home, I found two policemen waiting for me!
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