The answer came from the strange boy I met a year before. Jonas told me that he worked in England at a hospital where handicapped lived. He had set up an interview for me. I did not think so much about this and took the ferry once again to England. I was interviewed by an Irish woman and an Italian man. Jonas told me what to say but I decided to be honest with my answers. I got the job.
I now lived in a room in a staff house. The fourth night that I lived there, I felt so lonely. Jonas was doing a shift and I was alone in my little room. Then I was told there was a phone call for me. It was from Scott. He heard I was back in England and he really needed a cute boyish man to please a customer.
I said yes.
The job was to take care of handicapped adults in what was considered their home. I found out that Jonas was not very popular. In fact, no one liked him there, so when it was lucky that I was employed. I got on well with the staff, particularly because I did what I was told and when there was a problem, I told them what I thought. The work consisted of helping them with meals, and washing their clothes and making sure their room was tidy. Besides that, we reminded them of daily things, like taking showers and going to their daily activity. We also took them to doctors and dentists. I loved doing this, as it meant I could come away from the building.
There were a few things that I disagreed with. One was that they each did not get their own room. These were adults! The worse I was seen was when we gave them tea. We would pour milk and sugar into the teapot and in this way, they did not have a choice of how they wanted their tea. It was 1989, so the nurses there thought that structure and routine was the right thing to do. Looking back at it, we were supposed to prepare the handicapped for life in a small house in society. This dream was crushed when we did not give them any choice.
Outside of work, I had to invest in things that I needed, such as kitchen things, a TV and a bike to get around. I had no driving license, as my Dad would never give us the money to get one. I figured it would take me ages, to save the money for this, so I decided I would use the hidden side of me. It was summer, so I found some denim shorts and a tank top and went to a parking lot. I think I must have walked around for an hour and then a man came and asked me how much. I went home with him and he got what he paid for. After, He wanted me to spend the night, so he paid me extra. He thought I was very cute, and did not understand why I wanted to be a whore. He thought it would be better if I had a boyfriend. I tried telling him that I did not consider myself gay.
I bought a white bike the next day.
There were about 20 people in the same staff building I was in. I was friends with 4 of them. One was a biker girl. She had so many tattoos and was interested in things I was not. She was a bit dangerous. I suppose this is why I liked her.
Another was a man that was a small bit older than me. He was very sloppy and played on the computer all the time. His room was messy like a bomb hit it and he did not care. Besides that his room always smelled funny, as if he was always playing with himself.
Jonas lived in the same building. So I spent a lot of time in his room
Otherwise, there was a Danish girl. She was so beautiful. I am sure she could have been a model. I was always so shy when I was with her. I think this made her smile. At any case, she came to my door and told me that I had to meet a new Danish girl that just moved in. I was told she was a religious fanatic. I was interested and agreed to meet her. She was a very thin girl, with no make-up and short hair. She was wearing jeans and a knitted jumper that was in many colours. My first thought was that she was a tomboy. The girls sat down and talked in Danish, I had no idea what they were speaking about, so I just looked around her room. There were religious posters. They were cute with small Bible quotes. Maybe the girl was a fanatic; she had posters, a Bible beside her bed and a cross. Her name was Mia. I left soon after, as I felt ignored because they spoke in Danish, which was not a language I understood.
A few days later, Mia came to my door and asked if I had a pot she could loan. I already cooked but was too lazy to wash up. I wished she came and asked for sugar. I gave her my pot but told her she had to wash it first. She smiled and took the pan. A few hours later, she came back with the pot. It was clean. She asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. So I went to her room and drank tea. We spoke and spoke and spoke. We both had to get up the next day but did not care. We just spoke and spoke. She was not a fanatic girl. She was quite normal.
This continued for the next week. Mia was also busy, because it was soon Christmas, and she was going to visit her parents in Denmark. We still had tea every night and spoke about everything under the sun. It was not love at first sight, as I thought she was a tomboy and medium looking. However, she had a great personality and I loved being with her.
The only annoying thing was when she was together with other Danes. They would start speaking Danish and that meant that I could not understand a word. I would ask that they speak English. This would last a few minutes and they would go back to Danish. Once Jonas and I tried speaking in Irish, but that plan flopped because we could not remember it.
It was best when Mia and I were alone. We never considered we were in love. However, we did consider ourselves to be best friends. Looking back on it, we were in love but could not see it. I hated the idea that she was going to visit her parents at Christmas. I was going to miss her.
The night before she went to visit her parents, I suggested we go for a walk. We walked in the cold night and talked. At one stage she said her hand was cold and I said we should have worn gloves. Still, she kept complaining that her hands were cold, and I finally understood her hint. I experienced sex and a lot touching, but when we held hands, it was like I was in a new world, where I could hear angels sing and I was walking on clouds. I forgot everyone that ever used me and everyone that hurt me. It was then that I knew I was in love! I knew then that Mia was a gift from God.
The only thing was if Mia felt the same?
I took a train with her to the airport and helped her on the plane back to Denmark the next day. I was alone once again and it was Christmas, so I took all the shifts I could. Every evening I rang to Mia on the telephone and we spoke until my money was used upon the payphone. I think we both knew we were in love at this stage. Her parents knew as they smiled at how Mia used to run to the telephone when I rang her.
When Mia was in Denmark, I visited the friends I had at the home. It helped pass the times. Jonas was still there, and he invited me down to his room for a drink. He kept on offering me one drink after another drink and I ended totally drunk. Everything was like a blur to me, but he said that he told me he wanted me before I gave my heart to Mia. He ended up having sex with me on his small bed as well as taking pictures of me. The next day I knew what happened and wondered when will I ever be free of my past? I asked him to destroy the pictures. He promised he did, although I doubt it very much. After that, I was very negative about Jonas, he soon moved from the hospital and studied to be a nurse.
I did miss him. It was as reality struck me when we had sex and I was still cursed knowing I had sex with him. I had to think of Mia. She was innocent and never tried love and she was protected from the evils that I experienced. The thing was could I make her happy? Was my past be a curse that would destroy what we could have? Was the love we felt just puppy love. I felt so soiled and so used, so the question was did she deserve me?
Could I live in a dream world with Mia?
The day came when she was on her way back from Denmark. I went and met her at the airport. It was a surprise, as she did not expect me to. I told her that I was working. She was delighted when I was there. Later, she told me it was because I met her at the airport, she knew it was love.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsUn49NlkA
We were back to normal and we ate together and were together when we were not working. We were becoming closer and closer every day.
One day, we were walking with two patients. They were in wheelchairs as we explored Epsom, which was the town we lived in. It was cold, as there was a bit of snow. We walked past a few shops that sold wedding dresses. I knew by the second wedding dress and the way Mia was hinting because she stood outside the window and said how pretty they were. I pretended to be dumb as my brain was now in turmoil again. I still had a dream to be a priest and if I got married to Mia, I would have to give this dream up. As we walked, I thought I would never be happy as a priest, as I would just be hiding from society.
But was the feelings I had... was it puppy love?
We ate at Pizza Hut with the two patients. We were still talking about marriage and married life. I finished by taking a deep breath and asked her if she would marry me. It wasn’t the most romantic proposal and my heart must have jumped when she said yes. It was then official. I was engaged. I felt like I went through a new door and a new start to my life.
You would think Pizza hut would give the pizza free. They did not
When we came home, we rang our parents. Mia’ parents were totally excited about it. When I spoke to Mia’s mother, I could hear how excited she was except that she spoke in Danish, so I did not understand much. When I spoke with my parents, my mom asked about the priesthood. My dad asked if Mia was pregnant. They were not as excited as Mia’s parents were. That was ok. Despite I was upset with my parent's reaction, I knew I wanted to get married. As I knew I was engaged, and it was time for me to be myself, a new leaf of the family.
I wanted to open a new door in my life. I wanted Mia to be the centre of it. Gone would be the days where I would be someone's toy, and gone would be the days where my body would be a public asset. Mia offered me a life where I could be normal and forget everything in my past.
We needed an engagement ring and I considered going out to places and selling myself one last time so we had the money for the rings. However, I decided a new start meant a new start. I was now engaged and this means I would have to earn money in ways that normal people do. It ended up that Mia paid for the rings. This was not humiliating as I thought. It meant we were not old fashioned and we would be doing things together.
This new start meant I wanted a new image. For some time, I have been telling people to use the short version of my name. I also wanted to change the way I looked. One thing that men always told me how nice was my eyes and hair. So I changed it by buying hair dye. I have done this before, but this time I had a goal. I dyed it a black colour. I made a mess of it. My hair did become very black, but so did my face and neck. Mia thought it was very funny and helped scrub the black off my skin.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEnixo8mitO
The funny thing is her parents came a few days later, to see their daughter and to see who she was getting married to. Her dad was a teacher and was a quiet man as well as a very intelligent man. Mia was obviously his daughter and there is not a thing he would not do for her. This was my first impression of him. I never really became close to him, maybe it was because the relationship I had with my dad or maybe it was just that we were so different.
Mia's mum was a nurse and a lively woman as well as an open woman. She was plain and was not like my mother who was very glamorous. She was very easy to talk with although she spoke in Danish and English. I could see that Mia had very much the personality of her mother.
The visit went fine. I had to laugh at that they had a travel plan, of what they would see and when they would see it. This was the opposite of what my family would do. We would just visit a place and ask what now? Still, we visited many interesting things such as Stonehenge and some places in London. We ate at pubs and otherwise had a good time. It was strange calling them mother and dad in law. In fact, it was strange that I was engaged, and this meant a whole new family besides mine.
When their parents went, it was sort of empty, and it was Mia and I that were left together. We started having a daily life as if we were married. We even moved into the same room. My room was used as a sitting room and hers was where we slept. So we did something my parents would have killed me about. We slept in the same bed before marriage. We did not have sex; in fact, it took us months even to see each other naked. We decided that we would not have sex before marriage and this respecting the fact that I was her first boyfriend, and also because I wanted to be in love with her, and this meant not just sexually. I was the luckiest man on earth, and I wanted time to stay there. I even threw a clock out the window, as a sign that I wanted time to stop.
We were, in fact, a strange couple. People must have thought that it was puppy love. In fact, some people said to me that I was too young to get married. Mia and I were once buying wine when the shopkeeper asked me for an identification that I was over 18. I was 20! Then the shopkeeper saw Mia and said it’s good I had my older sister with me, as she could buy the wine. She was one year younger than me!
I told Mia we should have an engagement party, and she was sceptical about having a British style party, as she knew that I once arranged a surprise party for Jonas. That party had lots of booze and even a stripper. Which was funny as Jonas was gay. It was the hot party of the month. If they expected the engagement party to be the same, then they would be disappointed. It was like an old-fashioned tea party, where we all sat and conversed in corners. There was no dancing. Some from my workplace asked when will the party living up. I told them I was having fun, as I was in a corner with Mia.
Mia and I kissed a lot when we were engaged. We would kiss anywhere and everywhere….In elevators, in the middle of a shop, our room. Every time she kissed me, I knew she was the true love of my life.
One night we were walking, she told me that she was careful about even falling in love with me. She had rumours that I went from one girlfriend than the other. I knew I would have to tell her about my past. She had to know what she was getting. I told her that I had a few girlfriends, but my childhood was not the best. I had good parents, even though I did not speak so much with my dad. I told her I never was as romantic with girls as I was with her. Mia listened while I told her that I was abused in some ways, and I was afraid that my boundaries were destroyed. She stopped and told me I was a good person. I tried telling her I was afraid I would like forbidden things in the wrong way. She hugged me hard and said we will go through this together.
The day after, we seemed to forget all about the serious talk. Basically, I was telling her I was damaged goods and damaged goods were capable of hurting others. I had this great fear that I was a paedophile. When I looked at children, I looked at them in a near-sexual way. I knew deep down I would never hurt them. The fact that I was in doubt felt like I was hanging on a cross. Mia must have wondered or thought about it, or maybe she really believed a fairytale had a bad start but always ended well.
The funny thing was my past was being buried and buried in that back of my head as time went on. I tried telling Mia, and we really did not discuss it at that. There were times I was suicidal and depressed like I woke up with tears going down my cheeks, but I was forgetting more and more the reason for it.
Mia was all that I cared about. When we were not working, we did everything together. She bought a very old bike from a lady she worked with. We spent days repairing it so it would work, and then painting it a very strong blue colour, I do not know what was bluer, as we had a paint fight with the paint on our hands. We were soon wrestling next to the bike as people walking by most likely thinking we were childish.
I have applied to be a qualified nurse and was accepted in Westminster hospital, which was a great opportunity as it was a hard hospital to get in. This, of course, annoyed Jonas, that was never accepted there. He was accepted in a less know hospital, so he left where we worked. This was a bit hard for me, besides despite all his faults, what he did to me and the fact that no one liked him, he did bring me to this job and in many ways, and I admired him for not fitting in.
I should have been delighted for being accepted as a nurse. The problem was so was Mia and this was in Denmark. Reality has hit us and we had to decide what to do. Mia told me she wanted to be close to her family. She did not want to live in England. My fear was I didn’t know anything about Denmark, except it, was densely populated and had a lot of highways. Plus the fact that they spoke another language. If I was to be in Denmark, I would have a huge handicap. How would I even get a job? It made more sense for both of us. Living in England would be a similar sacrifice for both of us.
Of course, we decided to move to Denmark. The deal was that she would study to be a nurse, and we would come back afterwards. I could live with that.
We had to save money as we would be starting a new life together. So we took extra shifts to earn extra money. The problem with this was that we hardly saw each other. So I came up with a plan to once again use my body. So one night I took my bike and cycled out to the pickup place. I quickly found a man and he was willing to pay twice as much as I used to get. We put my bike in his van and drove to his place. So there I was, sitting on a sofa. I tried to forget my past and I tried telling myself I was doing this for Mia. As he was about to open my shirt, I jumped up and ran out.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡreTpV7BExv
If I sold myself once again, I would be going against the promise I made. It would be cheating. My body now belongs to Mia. Unlike others, she is the one that respected not only my body but my mind and personality.
I met Jonas once at burger king. He was very jealous that I wanted to marry Mia. He thought we could live together. I tried explaining that a lot happened since he got me drunk. I don’t think he was listening. He ate half a burger and went up complaining it was cold. Then he ate half another burger and done the same. I was so shocked when we parted, but I bet he was full!
We now were ready to move to Denmark. We spent the week before saying goodbye to everyone. There was a middle-aged woman that lived there. She thought we were too young to get married. Mia would be 20 and myself 21 when we did get married. We were optimistic that it would not fail. Of course, statistics were against us, and deep down we knew there was a chance. She gave us an ugly green cigarette holder and said that’s the remains of her broken marriage, now we can have it.
We knew we were in love. Why did everyone warn us?
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