It was a lot of work getting married, and I had really very little influence on it. It was basically Mia's parents that were planning the whole thing. It would be a Danish wedding, which had traditions I didn’t know of. I was not bitter at the fact I had little say nor did I complain. I wanted the wedding to be the most special day in Mia’s life.
Before we moved to Denmark, we visited my parents in Ireland. I was a new man. I felt like Mia was the one in the world that could make me happy and give me a normal life. The experiences as a child porn star and prostitute were slowly being stored in the back of my head. I found out when I was with Mia, that I smiled and felt like life was normal.
Despite Mia was a Protestant, my parents got on well with her. Mia was presented to everyone and anyone with pride. I could see in people’s eyes that they thought It was a shame that she was a Protestant, and wasn’t I the one that wanted to be a priest? There was one family that my mum wanted to meet her. This family had a nice status in the town, and while many invited to see Mia, they did not invite us. So, mum had an idea…. She would walk back and forth on the road until we were invited in. We must have looked like idiots walking back and forth. However, we were invited in at last and drank a cup of tea while Mia was presented.
We did have time for ourselves. There were mountains close to me, and this fascinated Mia, as Denmark is quite flat. So one day we hiked up the mountains, which was an all-day event. We left early because the walk would take hours. The trip was tiring and very warm. There were also lots of flies. Yet, we did not complain, as Mia was so interested in nature and the views. I smiled as she would pick up the smallest flower just to smell it, or she would be in awe of the scenery we had. It made me realize that I was searching for God and it was so close to me all the time.
I had one job while I was in Ireland. When I worked at the old people's home, I was very close to a girl. Before I met Mia, we rang to each other and at one stage even planned when she would come to the UK. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, but never put a name on it. This trip would be hard as when I met Mia, I suddenly stopped writing to this girl. I remember we sat in her sitting room while I told her I was going to marry Mia. It was so awkward. Mia did not say anything and the girl was confused and said very little. On my way out, she whispered in my ear that Mia would never make me happy, but causes me grief.
Mia never realized it, but one of my sons was named after this girl.
It was time to go to Denmark. When we came, we had to attend Mia's grandparents golden anniversary. It would show me how Danes partied. There were a few people there and the food was great. Waiters came and offered us more food and wine. The problem is that I thought when the waiter offered me wine; it would be impolite to say no. So this was the first time I was meeting Mia’s extended family and I was getting more and drunk. The good thing is I did not embarrass myself. I know that at one stage, I started to sing “Sailing” which was a good sign that I was well on my way being drunk. Luckily Mia started singing with me. She also helped me go to the toilet. She was not mad at me after for being drunk, once I explained the reason why.
Our wedding came. My parents, my youngest brother, an aunt and Cory came to represent my side of the family. I bought a tuxedo which was quite fashionable and had my hair cut. Looking at old wedding pictures, I looked like a boy dressed up. I was not at all afraid or nervous. I think my parents were as my dad came to me and offered me some pill. I was not going to take it as I wanted to be myself. Images went through my head of when Kevin used to give me pills.
Before we went to the Church, I said I should use the bathroom. I fell on my knees in the bathroom. I told God that I was sorry that I did not join the priesthood. I asked him to protect our marriage, as it was an angel getting married to damaged goods. I asked God to protect any children I would have and give them a better life.
The wedding was in a Protestant Church and I thought it was great that I could even drag my parents into the church and they would accept that we were being married in a protestant church (Although a few days later we were dragged to a Catholic church where we were blessed). I could not understand what was being said or happening. I knew when to say yes and I knew when to give her a kiss. All through the wedding, there was a tear in my eye. Mia was so beautiful and we were now suddenly promising to be with each other all our life!
When the Church service was done, we stood outside and everyone had to shake our hands. I didn’t have a clue what they were saying, so I was so happy when my mom came and told me how proud she was. At least I could understand what she was saying.
The party was the same as any Danish party. It had good food where we all ate and talked with each other. This was not the way it is done in Ireland, but the Irish delegation was polite, even when they were interrupted in eating by someone that wanted to hold a speech or sing a song they made for the party. This was so funny especially when I heard my Dad sigh when he was about to eat ice cream when a speech started. By the time the speech was done. His ice cream was melted
My parents were also shocked by a strange Danish tradition. While Mia and I were dancing the compulsory dance, I was dragged down and someone cut my socks. My parents must have been totally shocked.
My parents were here for a week, yet they were not totally in awe of the Danish culture. They were given flower tea once, in which my dad said it was rusty water. (Since then, they always brought Irish tea to Denmark). Another thing they did not like was Danish lunches, in which Rye Bread and herring is very popular. After lunch every day, my parents said they were going for a walk. It took us a few days to realize that they went to McDonald's all the time.
Soon my parents left, and we were on our way to Tunisia for our honeymoon. We lived at a large hotel. Mia was not the type to lie at a beach all day, so we explored the town and even spent 3 days on a guided trip of the Sahara, where we tried everything from riding camels to seeing an old Coliseum. It was great fun and we decided to have fun as we knew it would be hard starting a new life when the honeymoon was over.
We had a bad experience the last day we were at the hotel. We went for a swim where we lost our keys. This was a bad end to our honeymoon. The travel agency did not help and said we had to pay for the key. The problem is we had no money left. Mia was in tears and angry at the same time. In the end, some nice couple paid for us.
We lived in a small flat that I thought was very modern. It had a very small garden. The first few weeks of our marriage were bliss. We had all the free time in the world that we could be together. We would start by baking some bread, going shopping and taking care of the house. At night was of course project Baby. We also read a chapter of the Bible every day. This was the happiest days in my life, as I was feeling something I never felt before… I was in love with a person and wanted to spend all my time with her! Sex was not the centre of our lives, and I was not always in the mood, but the difference was that sex was now special.
Every day that went by, I forgot the bad things in my past.
Moving to Denmark was very hard for me. The language was one thing. I could not understand a word. The traditions and culture was another thing I did not understand. In a way, everything was planned, and at times very formal. Mia did her best to help me adjust to the new culture. The problem was that I depended more and more on Mia. I had to have her by my side all the time. If she left my side, I would beg her to stay, as I would start to get an anxiety attack. I never knew it was anxiety. This often annoyed Mia.
I did start to go to school and learn Danish. This was together with other foreigners and refugees. I thought it was interesting being together with many others from all over the world. At times, we felt like small children, like we would start every class by playing Bingo. Despite this, I slowly started to learn Danish, although I would never get rid of my accent. This added to my problems in Denmark, as I always felt like a guest like it was not a place I could call my own. I had no connection to Denmark, except I got married to a Dane.
We used to eat at Mia’s parents every weekend. She has a strange family. Her older brother was intelligent and socially awkward. He had quite a temper as well. Her younger brother was a typical momma’s boy. He was very interested in Disney and anything to do with films. His body language was a bit gay, so I always thought he was gay. He also clung a lot to his mom and that made me raise an eyebrow. (Despite I thought they were weird, they both now are married and live good lives, so they get the last laugh)
When we ate at her parent's house, it would be great food and lots of wine. The discussions would be very deep, and if they were too deep and people did not agree, a book would be taken out to see who was right. I sat and participated in these discussions and at times tried my best to provoke. I did not need wine to do this; however, it did make me do things I was not proud of. One time, when I was half-drunk coming home, Mia and I had an argument about coming to Denmark. In the end, I said if she really loved me, she would go to the store and buy me a porno magazine. At first, she tried asking me why, was she not good enough for me? Was our sex life not good enough? Did I come to my senses? No! She went up and got the porno magazine.
Mia loved me! I loved her! Why was I so evil?
After the porn magazine crises, I decided that I had to be grown up and stand on my own two feet. I looked at the newspapers to see if I could get a job. I could simply not find a job, as in Denmark, you need higher education. At last, I found a job at Tivoli, where I worked in one of their restaurants. People paid a high price for food that was warmed up in microwaves. Of course, that restaurant made a loss, so I was moved to a stall selling ice cream. This was harder as you can imagine, as making a soft ice cone takes practice, as you have to twist the cone all the time. He opened his stalls and restaurants too early, so it ended up that he had to let me go, as he went bankrupt.
I went back to learn Danish. Mia suggested I get a higher education. She suggested a job as a “paedagog”, which is a special needs teacher. I told her that I did not know enough Danish. I applied anyhow as it could take several attempts to be accepted.
We were still trying to get a child. So every month, Mia would tell me that she was now having her period. I would try and use my humour to cheer her up that we should continue to try, as that was the fun bit!
However one month, she told me that her period was late. I could not believe it! To make sure, we bought a pregnancy test and this proved positive. I could not believe it, I was going to be a Dad, and my child would have the best mom in the world. Like all other parents that are expecting, we were discussing how we would raise the child and names and whatnot. We were so happy!
A few days after the pregnancy test was positive, Mia told me, she had her period. We were sad and we were mad. Mia wrote to the company that made the test. The answer was not so compassionate. They wrote that Mia most likely had a miscarriage!
I was now in a depressed move. Denmark was so difficult for me and I missed having my old friends and family. In reality, I was on my way to a depression, but neither Mia nor I could see this. On a day when Mia was at nursing school, I decided I enough. I couldn’t tell myself why. I decided to commit suicide. I did this since I was a teenager. It's like some people get drunk and even some cut themselves to feel better. I tried putting a plastic bag over my head while she was at school. That did not work so I ate some tablets. When Mia came home, I was tired and worn out, but did not say anything about what I have done.
Mia was a scout all her life, so she was a leader after we got married for 8-9 olds. She told me that I should join her as a leader. This was my social life and friends for the next few years. I became very popular as a leader and found out that children could understand my Danish more than adults could. Mia and got more and more responsibilities, and at the end, we were in charge of PR, besides that, I found out that I enjoyed working with children. I had plenty of ideas on what to do with them, and I did enjoy being liked and wanted. I remember once, a mother told me that her son looked up to me and I was a role model for him. Mia was also a great leader and we worked well together. This was in the early 90s. Years later, I was impossible to work with, but I will get to that later.
A few months after the possible miscarriage, Mia told me that her period was late again. This time we did not buy a pregnancy test, we went to the doctors. Mia was pregnant! This time we were sure that we would-be parents. So the next few months we're getting ready for the new baby. We moved to a larger flat, so we would have more room. We slowly got things that we would be needed for the baby. We had several boy names and several girl names for the child. We invited Mia's family to a pizza evening where each pizza was named after one of these possible names.
I was in doubt through all the pregnancy. I knew that Mia would be a great mom, but I was in doubt I would be a good dad. In some ways Mia strengthened this doubt as if she needed any practical help, she would always run to her dad and get his help. She never thought of how this would hurt my pride. She just knew her dad would help and he was capable of doing it. Despite the fact that I begged her to ask me for help, she would always ask her dad. This caused a lot of strain in our marriage as Mia could not see it was a problem. If we lived in Ireland, I would have mostly done the same thing. I would have asked my dad.
We often went to her grandparents. As you can see Mia had a very close family. I grew to hate these trips for several reasons. First, the house was so old and for some reason, I always had allergies when I went there! Second, it was basically eating all the time which I considered so boring. These trips also made me miss my family more and remind me of my grandmother that I lost years later. Mia could see I did not like these trips, and she could not understand why. At that time I could not understand either and could not tell her what the problem was. Mia tried to make these trips romantic, as we took lots of walks through the forest and at times we would cook food. This made me think that it was always me that was being impossible and selfish.
If you asked me at this stage if I was ever abused as a child, I would have said no… as it was now locked in some part of my mind. It showed itself at times, usually at night when I would wake up after some flashback dream of something that happened. The problem is that I thought it was only a dream and that it never really happened. (Years later, I was told by my mother in law that I told her I was abused as a child. I do not remember telling her this)
Once down at the beach, I told Mia that I would not be a good dad. She tried telling me that she would. This was often Mia’s response to problems. She wanted to discuss them but often thought the answer was that being positive was the answer. As we were walking through the sand, I told her that I thought that I could be a paedophile and how would I be a good dad? I opened up and was totally honest when I told her that even at scouts; I thought some of the children were attractive. I knew that I could never hurt a child. This was enough for Mia and I think we changed the subject very quickly.
Looking back on it, I knew at this stage that I had some paedophile tendencies. I did think that children were attractive and even sexual. A child that has been abused often has its boundaries moved, and many that are abused make the same mistake and abuse children. However, when I was with the scout children, I was down at their level. I never thought about these tendencies when I was with them. My wish was to make scouts fun for them and give them more social skills. So Mia was right in a way… this was in my head, and not being practised, I was ok. In a way, she could never have been so wrong. It's easier to be wiser as we grow older, as I know how it should have been then we discussed it in detail and I got some help, as it was starting to destroy my mind and me as a person.
Maybe we did not have time to discuss it. Maybe we did not want to even think and realize that in many ways, I was broken. I thought marriage would heal all my wounds. It just made me forget the reason why I was becoming more and more impossible to live with.
We also had a child on the way. I realized this when we were sleeping outside in a tent at the summerhouse when Mia put my hand on her swollen belly. It was our child kicking!
The pregnancy was not a hard one for Mia, and she seldom complained. I was excited and wanted to help all I could. I put earphones from my Walkman against the tummy so my child could hear Madonna, I painted a silhouette picture of Mia with a big tummy and I tried my best being practical.
The child should have been born Christmas eve, but it had no attention of coming. Each day that went after Christmas Eve was a long day, expecting the child to come at any stage.
I was a big fan of the Simpsons, and it was at the start of the Simpsons show that Mia told me it was time! I rang to her mom, who was at our flat in no time. She told Mia it was too early to go to the hospital. So I joked to Mia, that we could see the Simpsons and then go to the hospital.
So after The Simpsons, we went to the hospital. My mind was all confused. I could not believe that we would be coming home with a baby.
Mia was in the hospital bed. I was by her side. Never did she look so beautiful. Even when she clenched my hand with the pains she had, she looked like an angel. The nurse told me to look at our baby was now on the way out. As it slowly came out, my heart was beating at the miracle of life.
Mia was tired and asked what sex was the child.
I told her we had a boy!
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