I looked down at the 10-meter drop. I said a prayer and jumped to my death
They say your life flies beside your eyes before you die. I have to admit this did not happen to me. The fall happened quite fast. However, I felt so free. It was the first time since I got arrested that I felt in control. I could see windows passing and I could feel that I was dropping quite quickly. The funny thing is that I was at peace. Maybe this was because I was sure that I will die. The whole ordeal would be over.
However, I landed on my legs and collapsed to the ground, which was stones. I could not move anything and slowly the pain was becoming worse and worse. I was never one that could accept pain easy and would whine at the slightest pain. So it was beyond anything when I felt pains in my legs and back. I quickly found the cell phone and rang to Mia asking her the number to 112 (emergency services). She told me she did not want to speak with me and hung up. Then a man walked by me. I begged him for help but he just walked on! I could not believe that a well-dressed man just walked by me! I managed to ring the emergency services, but I could not tell them where I was. This meant I had to listen for sirens and tell them if they were becoming louder or not. This was not much fun with all the pain I was in. At the end they found me. They asked for my name. I could not remember it, but I could remember my personal ID number.
The next thing I knew was that I was in the hospital's operation room. The pain was insane and I just wanted it to stop. The doctors were waiting as I was being prepped so they just talked about private things. I noticed that one of the nurses cut my shoes with scissors. This made me a bit mad as they were new shoes. I didn’t have time to complain as I was put to sleep. They say the operation took 9 hours as I broke both legs, smashed my ankles and broke my back. My head was not damaged. That must be the reason I survived.
I woke up in my own room at the hospital. I didn’t stay awake long. The painkiller drugs I got made me sleep. A nurse was there. I found out I was on suicide watch. I found this funny as I could not move. It was like I was paralyzed. Even at that, I was so doped up that it was like I was sitting on a cloud. I had this morphine machine which I clicked a button every time pain was too much. When I got the morphine, it was amazing. I could see the ceiling change colours and swirl around. The doctors came and told me that the operation was difficult but they considered it a success. Despite being a success they did not know if I would walk again. I was not all that disappointed, as I expected to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. Luckily, the nurse left after a few days. They could see I needed help with everything as I could not move. I could not even go to the toilet. This was so embarrassing that a nurse had to help me.
Mia’s older brother Liam visited me. This was very strange as we never said a lot to each other and I always thought he was too serious. He worked at the hospital so he visited me. In fact, he visited me every day. Looking back at it, he must have had a lot of patience with me, as I felt sorry for myself, complained about Mia’s break and was always negative. Liam told me what I did was wrong, but deep down he thought I was a good person. He was a good listener and told me to use this experience to be a better person. Despite we never really got in before, he showed me that someone did care about me. I thanked him once for this, but he would never know how he has helped me during this crises and become a better person.
A priest also came to visit me. I lost what faith I had when Mia turned her back on me. The priest never did say anything that helped, but he was a good listener. He was very interested in hearing of the abuse when I was a child. Otherwise, I wanted to ask him did God think I was a monster and would he ever forgive me? Is this why I felt so alone? Was God on holiday? I also talked a lot about Mia and her break from me. When I look back at it, the priest had an impossible job. He had to help a broken man that was confused and had no future.
My boys visited me. It was not easy seeing their dad confined to a bed and unable to sit up. Mia came but said nothing. The children used to push me on the bed down to a smoking room where I would be allowed to smoke. Mia totally hated that I took them to a smoking room, and I explained that they thought it was funny when they pushed the bed. The children never showed anger with me and reminded me all the time they loved me. Sebastian said once that he missed me giving him hugs. So once, I let him crawl on the bed and crawl on me and give me a huge hug. I bit my lips as the pain was severe and the hug made Mia mad, but I felt that I gave Sebastian something he missed.
After two months, I was moved to a new hospital to get training. It was a small country hospital. I slept with another person, but soon after I came, they asked could I sleep in the depot room, because the man could not sleep with my snoring. In any case, I was slowly recovering and by now could sit in a wheelchair. So my day would be sitting in a wheelchair in the TV room. I did not eat a lot, which worried the nurses as I lost 30 kg since I fell. I had to drink a lot of protein drinks.
I became friends with some old women there. They did not know my crime, so it was like being a normal person. If I was not watching TV, I would be chatting with them. I was beginning to smile a lot more and thought it would be great if time stopped and I stayed here for the rest of my life. The old women did not like Mia. They thought she never smiled, was always mad and found fault with everything that I did. I tried defending Mia, saying she has gone through a lot and got no help what so ever.
One day, I was told my old boss from kindergarten wanted to visit me. I started shaking and had a huge anxiety attack. I needed to take some sedatives before I saw her. She told me how it was at the kindergarten and some parents remembered the good things I have done. She told me I once hinted that I was abused as a child. She also asked was it the truth when I said I was locked in the toilet and said I had to crawl out the window. She was a person that did not believe lots of things. I said I do not care who did not believe what happened to me as a child, as it was no excuse for the crime I did. I also said that she should trust her staff more, and not question what we said was the truth or not. When she left, she said she doubted we would ever meet again. Then I understood that she did not come as a friend, but as a duty of her work. Somehow this hurt a lot!
Another day. Mia and the children came. I told them I had a surprise. The doctors were unsure if I would walk again. So I smiled and slowly stood up. I took one small step. Of course, I was in a lot of pain, but I wanted to give them some good news and some hope. Mia got mad and said I was told not to stand as it could damage my ankles. The old women were right in a way. No matter what I did, Mia would get mad. I think her anger was a sign of deeper things and not what I did. She was mad at the position I put our family in. She was also mad that I kept on begging her to stop with her break and be my wife again.
Once, the children were pushing me around in the wheelchair. We found a hallway that was empty. So we had a wheelchair race. The children ran as they pushed me in the wheelchair. I was sure that I would fall, as the chair was shaking a lot. This was fun, despite the fact that it was something that made Mia mad. So she left early with the children.
The time came when Mia said we needed to have a serious talk. We sat in a waiting room that was empty. She told me that she decided that she wanted a divorce. I started crying and begging her, as she was the love of my life. Without thinking I told Christopher that we would be divorced, so he started crying. Christopher was always afraid of a divorce, so I was using this to try and change Mia’s view. She sighed and asked how could I use him like that? As Mia sat there, telling me the pros and cons of a divorce, I was looking at her. So this was it…. We would be divorced. She promised that we would remain friends.
I was once again moved back to the open psychiatric hospital. My life was now in tatters. I lost my job. My home and Mia. I wrote several letters to Mia asking her to reconsider. I never got an answer from her and her brother told me that she hated these letters. I felt like we belonged together and there must be hope. However, all this begging just pushed her further and further away
Mia no longer came. Her mom came with the children and it was less and less I was seeing them.
Mia did come, but that was without children. Once she wanted me to sign divorce papers. I did not want to sign these, but under the law, it made no difference if I wanted to sign or not. If Mia wanted a divorce, then we would be divorced at some stage. When we signed the papers, we said at least we could remain friends. This gave me some hope. While I hoped we would fall in love again, if this did not happen then friendship would be a good alternative.
The next time Mia came, she said that she wanted full custody of the children. Now she was going too far! I refused to sign these papers. This annoyed Mia that told me I only ever thought of myself, and not what was good for the family. She said I was a bad father, so I did not deserve custody. She listed my faults and the list was quite long. In the end, she reminded me of my crime and asked me what court would allow a paedophile custody?
This was a side of Mia I never saw. She had become a bitter woman… a bitch! She seemed to want to punish me as to give me some of the pain that she felt. It was hard hearing her call me selfish and a bad dad. It was also the first time that she called me a paedophile. This discussion made me think and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that Mia was right. I was a manipulating and selfish husband and a bad dad. Looking at our marriage, I could see I played the victim card and forgot it was my job to make Mia feel like a princess. Saying you love someone is not enough. You also have to prove it.
Mia meant business. I got a notice from the court that there would be a custodial hearing. I was still afraid that signing the papers would make the children think I didn’t care. I did not understand how the court would even consider custody when I was in a psychiatric hospital. I told Mia that I would sign the papers. After I signed them I said I am not as selfish as she thinks I am and I was not sure I wanted her as a friend for taking my children away from me. I did not mean this. Of course, I wanted Mia as a friend. I did not know how to tell her how much this hurt me. At any rate, even if I did, Mia was at a stage where she didn’t care how I felt. She was trying to get a new life.
There was an old woman at the hospital that was quite insane. She talked a lot and reminded me of a grown-up child. I had my own room. One night, she appeared at my door totally naked. She told me now that I was separated, I could have sex with her. Flashbacks from my childhood abuse came back. I shouted at her to get out. I was shaken and found some staff. I didn’t sleep that night, I just cried and cried.
Mia’s brother came one day with a letter from Mia. There was also a copy of a letter I got years ago from the Danish pedo organization. I recognized the letter. I wrote to them saying I thought I was a pedo, and how could I get some help. The letter back was crude. It was a man that thought it was great that I loved boys, and we should go out one day and find some boys. Mia could not see the letter I wrote, and it was easy for her to think I was writing letters to pedophiles and trying to organize meetings. I read her letter, in which she told me she knew I was a paedophile and considered me a monster and sick in the head. She told me that since she read this letter and the problems I had with Sandra and now pictures, she could not remain my friend. She did not want me in her life anymore.
I was invited to her family for Christmas. I thought maybe she had time to think. It was the strangest Christmas I ever had. I felt like an outsider and they were no longer my family. Mia said nothing to me, and it was obvious that she really did not want me there.
Back at the psychiatric hospital, I began speaking with this chubby woman 10 years younger than me. I was not attracted to her or even thought she was pretty. She helped me take my mind off of Mia, and this was what I needed the most. After a week or so, people considered her and me as a boyfriend as a girlfriend. Her name was Signe. I didn't really know her. I did not even know what sickness she had. I was not in love. She was just good company.
My mom rang me a few times a week. She told me once to remember I was still a dad. I still had time to change and become a good dad. It would be hard and I would have to fight for my children.
This was right! Mia and I had a meeting at the family Council to discuss how much I would see the children. Mia demanded that they would not sleep at my house, and any visit would be supervised visits. She reminded everyone I was charged with downloading Child porn. We started arguing, but it was clear to see that I did not have much of a defense and I should be happy even to see the boys. So it was agreed that I could see them for 2 hours a month and it was to be supervised.
I moved into my new flat. It was a nice flat with a small garden. Signe moved in with me. My life was at rock bottom. I lost my job. I lost my wife. I lost my home. I could only see children when someone else was there. I was considered a paedophile. I was considered a bad husband. I was considered a bad father.
Now what?
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