I think about opening the car door and rolling out into traffic as a means of escape, but I don't think it would matter at the end of the day. She would just find me.
A song with the lyrics, "Step inside, see the Devil in I," is playing through Lucy's car speakers as she hums the melody. Jesus is in the back seat and he hasn't said a word. Sometimes he graces me with his presents just to comfort me. And I'm forever thankful.
I'm about to say something when Lucy asks, "Do you think we're meant to be hated?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Think about it. You're named after the guy who betrayed God. I'm the Devil. Even God will always have someone who opposes him. I think there are things—people in this universe that are meant to receive that negative energy. For the sake of everyone else."
"Is that why you pinned all of those crimes on me? To prove I'm meant to be hated?"
"Trust me, Judy, you were hated long before I did that. All those crimes I ever did was to prove a point. The point being that when worse comes to worse, everyone will point the finger at you. Because of who you were. You're the betrayer after all. You're meant to be hated. Like me."
We turn into her neighborhood. We're not too far away from her house now.
"But why are we meant to be hated? Just to suffer?" I ask.
"No. We're meant to be hated so they can fly. So others can excel while we do our due diligence. Why do you think I do favors for people? It's not so I can control them. It's so they can have their innermost desire."
She parks in her driveway and steps out of her car. It takes me a few seconds to gather myself and get out of the car to follow her to the front door.
"My dad's home by the way so be nice," she says, unlocking the door.
I get to meet Lucy's dad. This will be interesting. But when the door opens I see a man's legs splayed in a recliner in the living room. I can't see anything else, but I recognize the shoes and pants from earlier.
"Hey, Daddy!" Lucy says, running up to the person in the chair and hugging the person in it. And when the man leans forward to hug his daughter, I see the bushy mustache and know it's Detective Nick.
Nick is Lucy's adoptive dad.
That's why Lucy came over after Nick found out everything from me. She must have discovered that Nick has more information now and now she's pulling in closer.
Nick makes eye contact with me and his eyes widen.157Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkY5iZN8khL
"Oh, Judas! Wasn't expecting you over," he says.
So he doesn't know that Lucy killed Matthew and it's unlikely he's "My Protector". Unless he's just saying that to try to throw me off.
"Yeah. Me neither," I say.
"Me and Judas are gonna hang out in my room if that's okay," Lucy says.
"Sure, go ahead," Nick says, relaxing back into his chair. Lucy starts to head upstairs and gestures for me to follow her. Reluctantly, I do, and we end in her room with her closing the door behind her.
"You're dad is a detective," I observe.
"All thanks to me!" Lucy says, taking a seat on her black bedding, "I promised a favor for him, for him to become commissioner. He's detective now but it won't be too long till we get there."
How many favors has Lucy done for people?
Lucy taps the side of her bed that's open for me to sit on. I sigh and take a seat next to her. She then takes an ashtray off her nightstand, puts it between us, takes out a carton of cigarettes, pulls out two, lights one with a lighter, and takes a drag off of it.
"That stuff will kill you," I say.
She takes another drag of her cigarette and blows it in my face. I wave it away, coughing, and she giggles.
"Well now you're gonna die too," she sneers, "Wanna try one?"
"Oh—no. I—"
"It's just a cigarette, Judy. It's not gonna bite," she then chomps her teeth down and it makes a sound.
I look her in the eyes and I'm scared of what she's going to do if I refuse. So I take the un-lit cigarette out of her hand and put it between my lips. I'm expecting her to light it with her lighter but instead she has a firm grip on my chin as she inches her face closer to mine. She then puts two fingers on her cigarette's filter to guide it and puts her burning cherry on the unlit top of my cigarette.157Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtTCU2paZb
"Inhale," she orders.
I do, my cigarette becoming lit from her end as I breathe in the smoke that tastes like boiled dirt, tar, and melted plastic. I grab the cigarette out of my lips and blow the smoke out, coughing a little. Lucy blows a cloud of gray mist out of her mouth and smiles.
"Judy's first cigarette!" she exclaims. I continue to smoke it, wishing I had some kind of drink to wash away the taste.
"Listen," she starts, "I don't want you to feel—well—uncomfortable around me. I know you and Delilah were close. And you guys probably fucked a lot. But I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do. So I won't touch you unless you want me to."
"Oh—me and Delilah have never had sex."
Her mouth drops.
"Seriously?" she asks, "Not even mouth stuff?"
"Nope."
"Hand stuff?"
I flick some of the ashes of my cigarette into her ashtray. My head is starting to feel different. Lighter.
"We've only kissed," I tell her.
"That doesn't sound like Delilah at all."
"Yeah, well, we kinda got interrupted this last time before anything more could happen."
"Right. Well. At least you're with the right girl now."
"Lucy—how can you expect for this to work if you're forcing it onto someone?"
She takes a drag of her cigarette and pauses for a long while.
"Because—" she says, putting her hair behind her left ear, the smoke cascading down her mouth and nose, "I'll show why we're meant to be together. But that's going to take time. For now, you're gonna have to trust me."
"How can I trust you when you've been going behind my back and manipulating me and my friends?"
"Because I've only done it for one reason and one reason only. To benefit all of you."
She puts her cigarette out in her ashtray. I do the same and I feel like my head is completely hollow. Like I need to get up and walk around.
"You'll understand soon enough," she says standing up, "But for now I'm hungry. Let's go get dinner."
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I never realized how much of a fast food junkie Lucy is. She drove for forty-five minutes to a burger shack and ordered two double-pattie bacon cheeseburgers with fries for each and two large chocolate shakes. I've gotten through half of my burger while she's halfway through her second one and already down one shake.
I don't understand how she eats so much yet she's so skinny. It's like watching a black hole consume planets.
"You gonna eat that?" she asks, licking her fingers and staring at my burger. I hand her my burger and she begins to stuff it in her face. Then her phone rings. She sets the burger down, wipes her fingers with a brown napkin, and answers her phone.
"Clyde? Yeah. Alright. Toodles!" she hangs up the phone.
I'm then reminded she has my girlfriend's twin brother hostage. And I have to wonder what's going on in that head of Lucy's. What is she planning? She's capable of murder, so what else will she do to get what she wants?
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask.
"I may or may not have an answer," Lucy says, taking a bite of my burger.
"Why did you kill Matthew and pin it on me?"
She stops eating and sets the burger down.
"Because I need you to be perfect," she admits, "And soon you'll be perfect for what I need Judy."
"And what is it that you need?"
She leans across the table and I lean in a little ready for the answer.
"What I need is to pee," she says, moving away from me in an instant and finding the nearest portapotty. I thought about running then. She destroyed my phone so she couldn't track me anymore, right? But with everything going on lately. From my dad's brain aneurysm to the way Lucy is. Would it matter? Because what if she is the actual Devil?
So I stay seated. Waiting for her return.
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When we return to Lucy's home it's late. I follow Lucy up to her bedroom and she takes another cigarette out and lights it.
"Well I'm beat," she says, "Let's go to bed. I've got something for you to wear."
My heart sinks. I hope it's not weird or perverted.
"Oh relax," she says, "It's in the bathroom. Just go put it on."
I walk into the bathroom in her room and close the door behind me. When I flip the light on I see a black onesie pajamas with white crosses on them. Thank God it's not too weird. I put it on, leave my clothes in the bathroom, and step out and—Jesus Christ.
I was only in there for two minutes at most but Lucy has completely changed into a black see-through laced nightgown. I advert my gaze immediately and stare at the ground.
"Alright—well—goodnight!" I say, my eyes trained on the floor. I start for her door but she then clears her throat.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"To sleep on the couches," I say, still not looking.
She laughs, "Don't be such a prude. We're sleeping in my bed. Don't worry. I'm not gonna touch you. Not unless you want me to."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I hear her get under the covers and that's when I feel okay to look. The blanket covers everything up to her chest and she rubs the part of the bed intended for me to get in. I walk over, my head down, and get into bed beside her. Since I'm so big, our shoulders are touching.
"Not so bad, is it?" she asks.
I look in the corner of the room and see Jesus standing there. His presence makes me want to ask her a question.
"Are you actually the Devil?" I ask Lucy. 157Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOHVKhBJJU
"I am," she says, turning over towards me, "Does that bother you?"
"I don't know. Part of me just thinks none of this is really real. It's predetermined, you know? I think you are the Devil. But what the fuck does that make me?"
"What do you think you are, hm? Who is Judas Korver? And what are they?"
"I know I'm alive," I say laughing, feeling my breathing chest, "I know that whenever I go through this moment, I'm living. Again, and again, and again. It doesn't matter where I am. I could be anywhere, and I could be brought back to this moment."
"So many memories. So many words. All of them slowly blurring. Fading. Going back into the abyss."
"That's why it's so important to get this stuff out there. It was like what Squid said. Once you give someone an idea, you can't take it away from them. There are so many people that are trapped. Isolated. Depraved. And all they need to know it that they're loved and they're not alone. We can't treat our outcasts like they're Devils. Because then they'll truly become the namesake and rise against us to destroy us. We need to heal our Devils. We need to redeem them. I understand Lucy, I really do. Lucy?"
I turn my head to her and she's sound asleep. Snoring like a bulldog and drooling like a baby. I train my eyes on Jesus and try to drift into sleep as well. It's been a crazy day.
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I wake up and Lucy's alarm clock says it's three a.m. I check to see if Lucy is in bed with me but she isn't. But her door is cracked open and an orange light dances from outside of it. I get out of bed and exit the door. I follow the light down the stairs and see Lucy's long legs reclined in her dad's chair. In front of her is a lit fireplace, where all the light is coming from. I take a step into the living room and see Lucy's ashtray on her stomach as she's smoking a cigarette.
"Can't sleep?" I ask.
"I don't sleep," she says, taking a puff of her cigarette, "I was surprised I even fell asleep. I guess that's what it's like having a man in your bed."
I take a seat next to her on the couch, trying to hide my blushing.
"Didn't last forever though," she continues, "It was a nice few hours."
"Why can't you sleep?"
"Nightmares. Pretty much after I got adopted from the orphanage I started having them."
"Do you mind if I ask what happened to you during that time?"
She snuffs out her cherry and pulls another cigarette out and lights it. After puffing on it, she says, "I don't want your sympathy or nothin'."
"Okay."
"After I got adopted I was thrown in a van with a bunch of other girls my age. It became pretty clear we weren't going to loving families. A lot of them would come and go, but I was the only one that stayed the longest. Everyone called me 'The Angel of Pleasure',"
I then realize what Lucy was a part of in her childhood and early teen years. And my heart swells with pain.
"But one day I decided I had enough," she continues, "One of the only things that would get me through all of that shit was what you said about God and the Devil. So I decided I wasn't Angel anymore. I was Lucy. My next and last client I had was the first person I killed. When my boss found out about it, he took me outside, ordered me on my knees, and I watched the sun setting waiting for him to blow my brains out. But when the gunshot sounded, I wasn't dead. I thought I was in Heaven. I thought in that moment that when you actually die you don't feel it and you just pass on to the next world. But then he whispered in my ear to play dead. So I did. And later they took my body and dumped it at a crossroad. That's where I met Delilah and the rest is history."
We sit in silence for a while. Still and together.
"I'm sorry you went through that," I say.
"I told you I didn't want your sympathy."
"Well, that's what you signed up for when you kidnapped me," I say, standing up and getting ready to head back upstairs. When my back is turned to her and I'm ready to ascend the stairs Lucy calls my name.
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Am I doomed to be evil? To be depraved. Am I forever The First Sinner? A monster?"
I walk towards her and kneel down next to her in the chair.
"No," I say, "We can be the souls we choose to be. It's never too late."
I stand up and head back to the stairs.
"Goodnight, Lucy," I say.
"Night."157Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDUWZvqTKr
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