Delilah, Squid, and Daniel made sure to clear my name at school once we started going back. It's almost impossible not to scroll through social media or watch the news without them discussing Lucy and what she did. When I walk through the halls people stare which I'm used to. But I can't shake the feeling these people think I had a hand in Lucy's actions. With the way they're all staring at me; it's not like before when I was a freak. Now it's like they're afraid of me.
They're all looking at me like I'm the Devil.
But not her. Not Delilah. When she looks at me I don't feel like a Devil.
"I'm really sorry about calling the betrayer on Friday. We just wanted to ham it up so Lucy didn't suspect anything," she tells me.
I already know and I don't care. I'm just glad to be back.
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The talent show is in a month and Delilah still hasn't decided on a song to perform for her act. She wants the song to be absolutely perfect. We go through all of the songs she has uploaded. From her debut song, 'I Won't Leave' to 'Other Side', yet she's not satisfied with performing them in front of the school.
"There's something missing from these songs," she says, sitting next to me at our lockers. Daniel is also working on his material, writing down jokes in a black composition notebook. Squid is scrolling through their phone, seemingly lost in their own little world.
"What do you mean?" I ask her.
"I don't think the song I'm gonna sing for the talent show has been written yet," she says, pulling out her black leather notebook from her backpack and opening it. She flips to a page and a title on top of a page catches my eye.
"What about that song?" I ask. Taking her notebook away from her.
"Oh—no—don't read that—it's just a concept. I don't think it's talent show worthy."
I start reading the lyrics and I wasn't prepared for the contents of the song:
Bible
I don't wanna talk with you
I just wanna read this bible
I'll stay in this Hell and burn
So I don't have to see you leave
I read Matthew 27 just to remember God suffered
Maybe I should stop singing
Watching you smoke cigarettes and laugh with her it makes no sense
What's the point of living?
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Everyone I love has either died or left me
That's what happens when you choose to love
I wish I could go back in time, tell that little girl with green eyes that:
"You're gonna take a lot of hits."
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I wish I knew where you were right now
Are you listening to me sing?
I'll try not to kill myself
Cause I know you'll wait for me
And I'm still in denial with the things she's done, reviled
She took you all away from me
The world has gone crazy watching pastors preaching fear and hatred
While I'm wondering why I was saved
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Now everyone I love has either died or left me
That's what happens when you choose to love
I wish I could go back in time, tell that little girl with green eyes that:
"You're gonna take a lot of hits."
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And I wish I could save everyone
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But I could be, I could be, I could be the issue
I could be, I could be, I could be the issue
I could be, I could be, I could be the issue
I could be, I could be, I could be the issue
I could be, I could be, I could be the issue...
A tear escapes my eye and I try to wipe it away before Delilah notices but I'm not fast enough. I hand her the notebook back.
"It's a good song," is all I can manage. I then stand up and begin to walk away.
"Judas—" she cries out to me.
"I just need a moment," I say, storming off.
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I'm leaning over a balcony that overhangs a staircase that leads downstairs to the cafeteria on the other side of the school. It's just hitting me how much Delilah's been going through with everything that's been happening lately. How could she think she's the problem in all of this? She's done nothing wrong. She's done nothing to hurt anyone. She's an angel compared to all of us and yet she's blaming herself.
A hand presses on my left shoulder. I turn my head to expect Delilah but see Squid instead.
"You okay?" they ask.
"I'm a shitty boyfriend. I should've fought to stay by Delilah's side."
"Judes—you had no choice. She was blackmailing both of you. None of this is your fault."
"I just—I should've known. I should've known I couldn't save Lucy. I should've known it was a lost cause."
"But that's the thing Judas. That's not who you are. You don't give up on people. You really wanted to believe Lucy could be saved. But you can't save those who don't want to be saved. There's nothing you could have done."
Maybe Squid's right. I did everything I could to try to save Lucy and she still chose darkness. There's nothing I could've done. I need to let it go and move on.
"Delilah really cares about you, ya know," Squid starts, "She sent Daniel to the opposite side of the school looking for you. I'm actually supposed to text her when I find you."
"She sent you after me?"
"Yeah. She's worried. You still haven't really told us what happened those three days you were gone. And we don't want to force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. We're all worried, man."
I think about it, "Okay. I'll tell you, guys."
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When we reunite back at the lockers I tell them everything. From the moment I stepped into her car to the point she aimed her father's gun at me. When I'm done, they're all watching me, speechless.
"Jesus..." is all that Daniel can manage.
"I knew she was off—but wow," Squid says.
Delilah reaches for my hand and takes it, "I'm really sorry you went through that," she says.
"I just—can't help but feel like I could've done something differently," I start, "I mean—I did betray her."
"Well you kinda had to," Daniel counters, "She's a God damn psychopath with some serious mental issues."
"But she's just a kid like us," I retort, "With a fucked up past like any other kid. I mean—I can't help but think that this could've been me if the circumstances were different."
Silence surrounds us. Delilah squeezes my hand tighter.
"But I know that wouldn't change anything," she says, "Circumstances don't change who you are. If you were in Lucy's shoes you wouldn't do what she would do. You would do what Judas would do."
"Yeah man—you just need to ask yourself, 'What would Judas do?'" Daniel says.
I giggle at that, "I hope you're right," I say to Delilah.
"Trust me," she starts, "If it ever comes down to it, you'll make the right decision. And even if you don't, you're human. Humans are basically fleshy bags of walking decisions. Some of our decisions are good, and some are bad. But we decide if the bad ones define us. And besides, the bad decisions we make now just help us make the right decisions in the future."
Delilah is so filled with knowledge. I absorb all their words and take them like scripture. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to love myself like they are loving me.
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A news update has shown that Lucy has admitted to calling the bomb threat, murdering Matthew, and the security guard, officially clearing my name. However, it seems she hasn't mentioned why she's done it, which in a way I'm glad about.
I try not to think about it too much. I just take a drive home with Delilah and spend time with her at her house. I don't feel safe at my house anymore after what Lucy did.
Delilah's sitting on her bed with her guitar in hand playing around with a handful of chords while I sit at her desk watching. She's still trying to figure out what song she's going to play at the talent show. And I haven't been much of a help with aiding in her discovery of what song to play.
She suddenly stops playing and flips to a page in her notebook. She then starts to play a melody I've never heard before. Soon she starts to hum a melody, some of it can be interpreted as words but it's still unintelligible. She stops playing and her ocean eyes look up to mine.
"What if I sang a song about something that couldn't be interpreted by the listener in their own way?" Delilah asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Like—if the song had a specific meaning. Most of my songs can be interpreted in multiple ways. But I'm thinking I need something specific for this act. Something personal."
"What do you have in mind?"
She pauses, looking at her notebook.
"I was thinking about singing about my mom," she admits. "About how she picked my brother and me instead of aborting us. But maybe I don't have to make it too personal. Like—I could still talk about my experience, but make it universal enough. So people that have delt with abortion can relate to it."
"Well, you already got a title. 'She Picked Us,'"
She writes it down in her notebook with a blue pen.
"When you stepped out," she starts, "My mom called herself hard-headed. I think I get that from her too. She was a hard-headed punk like me."
She starts to write down more in her notebook.
"She fell for the wrong man," I start, "And one thing led to another."
"And he took advantage of her..." She taps the pen on her lips.
"She couldn't have known it at the time but you and your brother were conceived."
"That's one crazy decision to make," she sings, her voice angelic.
She takes her guitar and starts picking at some strings. It sounds more country-inspired than anything I've heard from her before. I never knew she had this side of her. Then she starts singing:
"She was a hard-headed punk like me
With a fiery passion burning within
But the fire got too hot to handle
And she started yearning for the wrong man
Some things led to another
And he took advantage of her kindness
She didn't know it at the time
But two souls were conceived that night...
That's one crazy decision to make..."
She stops and our eyes meet again. An ear-to-ear grin crosses her face.
"If she chose the other option nobody would have blamed her," I state.
"It would have saved her a lot of gossip. She was a high school student like me," Delilah says.
"She could've made one decision to get her out of all that chaos."
She starts to write down lyrics in her notebook.
"She could've tied a pretty little bow to the finale of the story..." she sings it in a hushed voice but it still sounds amazing.
"She could've kept it secret. Before it changed her life," I say.
"But she picked us."
She forms a chord on her guitar and starts to strum with passion and pride. A perfect amalgamation of sounds for a chorus. After she's satisfied with how it sounds, she starts to add words to it:
"If she chose the other option nobody would've blamed her
Think of all the gossip it would've saved her
She could've picked one quick choice
To get her out of all this noise
She could've tied a pretty little bow to the finale of this story
Could have kept it secret, kept it from getting out before it changed her life
She could've changed her mind and changed all of it
But she picked us..."
She leans over for a high five and I accept, smacking her hand.
"We make a good team," she says.
"You think so?"
"I know so."
The room grows silent. I break eye contact and look out her window to see my house across the street. I really don't want to go back there tonight. I wanna stay here with Delilah until she kicks me out.
"I'm not gonna leave, you know?" she says.
"I know."
"No—I mean—Judas look at me."
I turn to her and her expression is serious.
"I don't want to kill myself anymore," she starts, "I don't want to leave anymore. I'm not going to leave you, Judas. I'm here for the long hall. I'm here for you."
"I'm here for you too. I just can't help but feel like I've been a shitty boyfriend lately."
"What Lucy did wasn't your fault. The only thing you can control is yourself. You need to stop blaming yourself for what she did."
"But she did those things because of me, D. I just can't help but think if I wasn't the way I was things would be different."
"And even then that's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for her actions. She chose to murder those people. She chose to call that bomb threat. You didn't make her do any of that."
I look back through the window. I imagine Lucy's car pulling up to the curb; seeing her get out of the car and walking up to my front door.
"C'mere handsome," Delilah says, leaning her guitar against the wall and setting her notebook down on the floor. I turn to her and she's on the far end of her bed. I get up from her chair and lay down on her bed, my back to her. Her arms envelop me and her head leans against my upper back. Something radiates from her. I'm not sure what it is but it calms me; soothing my soul.
"I know you care about her," she starts, "But you can't save every Devil."
"Did anyone ever tell you why everyone calls me 'Jesus Freak'?"
She doesn't answer.
"When I was a freshman," I start, "There was a girl, her name was Hannah. She was a senior known to sleep around a lot and party. At this time I was a self-righteous asshole, so I would preach to people about the sins they were committing and how they were all going to burn in Hell and yada, yada, yada. Well, Hannah ended up getting drunk at a party and tried driving home under the influence. She crashed her car and—she—she didn't make it. I then proclaimed to everyone she died because of her sinful ways."
I press my face into my palms and sigh. To this day I'll never live that down. To this day, I'll always regret what I said about Hannah.
"I wish I could take it back," I say, "I wish I wasn't such a fucking asshole back then. But I deserve it. I deserve to be called 'Jesus Freak'. I deserve all of what's happening to me."
"Hey, hey, hey," Delilah grabs my shoulder and turns me around to face her. When I'm facing her, her face is barely touching mine when she says, "No one deserves to go through what you're going through. You made a mistake. And you realize that. You know what you did was wrong and now you know better. You're not that person anymore. You need to stop beating yourself up so much."
"But—what—what if I'm still that person? Deep down. What if I'm just still that self-righteous Christian that everyone despises? What if I haven't changed?"
She places a hand on my cheek, "Then I'd still be here laying with you. Showing you that that's not who you really are. Because I know who you really are, Judas. You're the most kind, caring, loving person I've ever met. You aren't a self-righteous Christian. You're a Godly, selfless, Christian just trying to save the unsavable. And that's so admirable, Judas. I don't think you understand how proud God is to have you as his child. You can see and hear him for a reason. That's not just by chance."
I take her hand from my cheek and hold it with tender care, "You deserve much better than me."
"There's no one in this universe better than you," she murmurs, her lips pressing against mine. I kiss her back, just a peck, but then I kiss her again, this time putting my all into it. Her hands find my face and her breathing becomes heavier; primal. I feel her leg cross over my body and before I know it she's on top of me, her hands feeling my chest.
She pulls away, our lips make a sound as they depart from each other.
"Do you want to do this?" she asks.
I admire her as she's mounted on top of me. I could've died those three days I was with Lucy. I honestly don't know what tomorrow could bring.
I nod. Delilah doesn't say anything. She just reaches under her shirt, peeling it off and revealing what's underneath. She's wearing a black bra that holds everything together nicely. I love everything about her body. From her breasts to the folds in her stomach. I don't know why, but I've always been keen on the female stomach. And since Delilah always wears loosely fitting clothes, I've never seen her like this before. But now that I can see the shape of her abs and everything else in front of me—
"Hold on, handsome," she says, lifting my shirt and unzipping my jeans.
I let go of control, letting her take the lead.154Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1E3BSB9w4F
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