I got out of the hospital after three days. They send me home with a wrapped-up ankle and a crutch that has an armrest because I can't put weight through my right arm.
When I get home I immediately hobble up to my room and close the door behind me. I collapse in my bed and stare at the ceiling beams.
She's dead. My girlfriend, Delilah Lor is dead.
I wouldn't dare watch the TV. The last thing I wanted was to be on the news, and Lucy got that too. She succeeded in her goal. I watched Delilah die in my arms. Everyone in Colorado, Hell, maybe America is probably talking about this shooting now, and no doubt me.
Where was Delilah now? Was she watching over me? Was she with Jesus now? It's only been four days but I miss her so much because I know I won't see her for a really long fucking time. And I can't contact her. I can't call her. She can't call me. We're separated now. We bring nothing when we come into this world and we're allowed to take nothing with us when we leave it. Why is that?
I needed her here with me. By my side. To tell me it was going to be okay. I needed to hear her voice.
I pulled out my phone and brought up Delilah's YouTube channel. I pressed shuffle on all of her songs and closed my eyes, ready to listen to the first song.
"Hi I'm Delilah and this is my song, '... and yet I persist'."
I never realized how crisp her voice sounded. Now that she's gone I'm noticing a lot of things I was never even aware of.
The song starts with an eclectic guitar, picking the chords eight times in total and then repeating them twice, while a tambourine sounds in the background.
When she starts singing, it's like the guitar is mimicking the emotion she's putting into her words:
"Let any man who meets my gaze
Know the true feeling of despair
For I am evil incarnate
The scourge of everything divine
My blade is righteous and resolute
As I run through the Heavenly Zenith
A woman, scarred by this soulless world
Find solace in the sky..."
She then begins to annihilate her guitar, drums beating in the background as she sings:
"My only friend, the Devil upon my shoulder
Whispering, singing, unable to understand
The entire point of existing on this barren Earth
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I am solus
I am vacant
And yet, I persist..."
At the I persist part the music goes back to the intro sound of the song. Then the song ends. I had no idea Delilah had a rocker side to her. Even in death, she's still surprising me.
I listen to the rest of her music on YouTube, all of them I've listened to before. The lyrics all stand out to me.
From 'I Won't Leave'. That song is haunting to listen to again. 'Plague', makes me cry and I have to listen to it at least five times over. 'Otherside' has an amazing last quarter of the song that I listen to a ridiculous amount of times; just hearing Delilah push her guitar to its limit while hearing her voice encapsulate all that pain. I can't believe she won't be here anymore to bless the world with it.
Then there's 'She Picked Us'. The live performance at Hawkin's High School the day before the shooting. God, she was radiant that day. And when she sang—what a show stopper.
I hope Jaclynne is okay, wherever she is right now. She must be devastated by the news.
The playlist starts playing Delilah's other music. 'Skin & Bones' by Lund comes on. A guitar, a soft male voice, and a snare beat with some haunting ghosts in its words. It even mentions a similar eye color that Delilah has. Or—had. I forget she's a had now. She's past tense. Her story is over.
Next, 'Black Betty' comes on by Larkin Poe. It's an upbeat, bluesy song, with a singer that has a voice of whisky if whisky had a female form and started singing. Delilah has a wide taste in music. These are all the songs and bands she listens to. I actually see the blues influence in Delilah's music now that I realize she likes that kind of stuff.
'Sorry', by Nothing But Thieves comes on and it's a mellow song with a slow satisfying buildup. I can relate to what the singer is saying, with his feminine voice.
"Maybe I'm defective or maybe I'm dumb
I'm sorry, so sorry for what I've done
Maybe I'm bad natured or maybe I'm young
I'm sorry, so sorry for what I've done..."
The bridge—God the bridge. It fills me with dread and hope. She's not in pain anymore. She's in a perfect place where she is loved and appreciated for who she is. She's free.
I wish I could speak to him. But I don't want to call out to him. Am I prideful? I don't know. Maybe I don't feel worthy. If I hadn't gone that way; or if I had finished the job with Lucy in the band room. Then none of this would have happened. I'd still have Delilah.
Lucy and Delilah are both dead and nothing feels resolved. Yet, I can't help but deny my actions led to that outcome. I'm trying, I really am. But I can't see how beauty will come of this. I really can't.
"Jesus," I say aloud, "I need you. Please."
I wait. And wait. And wait some more. But he doesn't show. I go back to school in five days. Maybe he'll show up before then.
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She sings to me. A song I never heard before.
I can't see her though. It's just darkness. And a city of fire in the distance.
But then, the sky opens up. Her dress is beautiful. Radiant; like staring into the infinite cosmos. She's holding her guitar as she continues to sing; descending to me:
"I'll be wherever you are..."
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I wake up, my phone still blaring music. I realize Delilah's playlist has thousands of songs; about two hundred hours worth of music. I look to see my phone has been plugged in and is resting beside me in bed, singing to me. The song currently is 'Comatose' by Skillet.
Someone knocks on my door. Then my mom enters.
"Ready for school?" She asks.
"I thought that wasn't for another four days," I say, rubbing my eyes.
"Sweetie, it's the fourth. You've been in your room for the past four days now."
I'm shocked by this, but I see evidence of this too. There are empty bowls and silverware stacked on top of my desk.
I—I remember being here, but it's like I wasn't in my own body. It was like my body was on autopilot while I was thinking about Delilah. I can't believe I lost four days because of that.
"I'll be down in a minute," I say.
"You sure you don't want me to drive you to school? I don't mind driving you before work."
Must have been a conversation I had with her on autopilot.
"It's okay," I say, "I can drive to school."
"Okay... You can call me anytime, okay?"
"Alright, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too. Now come down and eat breakfast."
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I try to park as close as possible to the west entrance as possible. When I find parking, I start for the entrance looking for the counseling office. I have a mandatory visit with my counselor there. Though I don't know what they're gonna do if I just don't show up.
A crowd of students are in line, waiting their turn to be scanned by the new Hawkins High metal detector set up at every entrance. The mining cave has been completely closed off and demolished. No more cracks to fill.
People start turning their heads, staring at me. Some whisper amongst themselves, and few just turn their heads and avoid my gaze.
I honestly don't care what they're saying about me now. They can call me whatever they want. I have nothing left to lose.
"Judas!" Squid says from behind me. I turn and Squid embraces me then pulls away, "How's your ankle?"
"It's fine. I don't need the crutch anymore. It was a waste of money."
"Are you sure? You were limping on that thing pretty badly at the end there."
"I'm fine, Squid."
"It's okay not to be though. No one here's expecting you to be anything you don't want to be."
"Her funeral is gonna be at the same place I went to the summer camp retreat. Out of all the spots her parents could've picked, they picked there. I—don't know why but—I don't think I can go."
"Yeah, I get it. I was the same way with my brother. By the way, there's—well—a story going around about what you did the day of the shooting. Everyone—and I mean all of America and more is talking about you."
"Ah, Christ."
"No—really you shouldn't be worried—"
"I was trying to save my girlfriend. But I ended up saving others in the process. And I failed in my original goal. That's it. That's all people should be talking about."
"Judas. I don't think you realize what you did. Have you seen what people are calling you?"
"Please. I don't care about nicknames anymore—"
"They're calling you The Savior, Judas!"
I turn toward Squid. If people were pretending not to look in our direction, they were now.
"Judas The Savior to be more precise," Squid says, "And it's all because of something Delilah said the night before the shooting."
What Delilah said about me flashes in my memory. That night during the talent show: He's my Savior.
I feel my insides burning with ire. We reach the metal detectors and I hand the officer my backpack for inspection.
"Judas," Squid starts, handing their bag over, "You saved us all."
The officer motions me to walk through and I obey. He then wands me down with a handheld metal detector. Squid then enters shortly after me.
"But I didn't save enough," I say to Squid, taking my backpack from the officer and heading to the counseling office.
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After my meeting with my counselor, a student who works in the office asks me if I want to do the honors of cleaning out Delilah's locker. I say "Sure," Not knowing what I was getting myself into.
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When I got to her locker, an entire memorial has been made for her in her honor in front of her locker. From written letters to flowers to pictures of her with photoshopped angel wings behind her back. I have to push some of it away to get to her locker and put in the combination.
I hear someone come up from behind me but I don't turn around. I get the locker open and start clearing out books.
"Hey—can we talk, Judas?"
I recognize the voice. It's Daniel. I feel the fire begin to course through my veins.
Daniel the bitch. Daniel the coward.
"I just wanted to thank you," Daniel starts, "Because of you Stacy is gonna make a full recovery."
Something takes over me and I lose control. I make a fist with my left hand, spin around, and strike Daniel square in the teeth. Everyone around us stops and averts their attention to us. Daniel stumbles back, holding his mouth with his right hand.
"If you helped me—" My voice is cruel, "Then maybe Delilah would still be alive. Maybe we would have found her. But you were a coward."
His eyes start to gleam over before he storms off. Everyone is staring at me. Like I'm some circus animal.
"Don't you all have somewhere else to be?" I scream at them. And they all avert their gaze, going back to their new shitty high school lives.
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The typical day goes like this:
I show up to class, I pretend not to notice the people looking at me. Then there's the people who refuse to look at you. They avoid you like you're the visual plague.
We start class, I put my earbuds in and listen to Delilah's playlist. I finish my work before most people so I often wander the halls after I'm done. Just thinking and listening to what Delilah would be listening to.
Then I'm in the next class and I'm crying for some reason. The teacher asks me if I'm okay but I just storm out into the halls and put my earbuds in to listen to Delilah's voice again.
Next thing I know I'm in bed. Ready for it to repeat the process.
Somedays you see the counselor again. They try their best, but they were never equipped for a catastrophe like this to happen to the children they care for.
I wonder if he's ever going to show up. He always does. But it always feels like this time he just might not, you know? And it scares me. I wonder why I feel so vacant. I wonder why I feel like he's abandoned me.
Again and again. I wonder and wonder. When will this end?
I hope that maybe I'll see her in my dreams, and I do, but I don't even remember what was said or sung to me when I wake up. Or anything else at all.
Then I remember the thing. That one thing. I'm lying in bed and I remember that thing that still might be at Lucy's house.
So I sneak out of my house in the dead of night and drive over to Lucy's house, walking into her broken door and going upstairs to find the baggie of pills still lying on the floor. I snag them off the floor, stuff them under my pants, and take them back to my house.
Then I go to my room with a glass of water and take one. At first, nothing happens, and my nerves start getting to me. Then it kicks in. Like a wave of dizzy euphoria. I lay in bed and blast my dead girlfriend's playlist while riding the dragon.
And when I dream now? It's clearer. I can see and hear her. But it's still hard to understand.
I do this every day at bedtime. I know I'll run out soon but I don't really think about it.
But it's not enough. So I double the dose one night and I have the worst night of my fucking life. It feels like my heart is going to explode while my body seizes and refuses to move. I can't move. I can't breathe correctly. The only thing I can do is wait for it to pass. And it's going to be a shitty next few hours.
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After I feel like I'm sane enough to form a thought, I've decided it is time. The world had won. I've had enough. It's time to leave. To fulfill my namesake. My destiny.153Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYc4h2PnrD8
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