Here's the plan:
Go to the hardware store, purchase about one hundred feet of rope, leave a note for everyone, and then I'll finally be with Delilah. And I'll finally have fulfilled my namesake.
I had a warm feeling inside me while driving to the hardware store. 'Lemon Tree' by Post Malone was playing on Delilah's playlist blasting through my speakers.
Buying the rope is easy. When I get home I realize I can't just leave a note for my mom without saying anything to her.
I set the rope on the couch and walk down the hall toward her room. I enter her room and she's lying in bed with her back facing me crying.
"Mom?" I say.
She sniffles and turns around wiping her face. I realize she was looking at a picture of me and my dad together on her nightstand.
"Hey, honey," she says, "You okay?"
"Yeah—I'm—I'm gonna be. I just want to let you know that I love you."
"I love you too. I bet you're wondering what me and Delilah had to say in the car on your first date with her."
That night flashes in my memory.
"I told her about the diagnosis from ECT," she says, "And that girl pricked up and said 'Really? Me too!'"
My heart flutters.
"We're both schizoaffective?" I ask. My mom nods. "Why did she never tell me?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe she didn't want you to view her differently than the way you already did. You know firsthand how people treat you because of the way you are."
All of this news doesn't make me view Delilah negatively in any way. It makes me want to be with her now more than ever.
"Hey, mom?" I say.
"Yes?"
"I love you. So much."
"I love you too. Are you okay, Judas?"
"Yeah, ma. I'm fine. I gotta go."
Before she can say anything I'm closing the door behind me and taking the rope upstairs. This is it. I'm really doing this. I'm going to step from this world into the next.
I open the door and see Squid holding the baggie of pills I've been using. Our eyes meet and we both freeze.
Shit. I guess I'm not doing this after all.
I through the rope onto my bed and close my door.
"How long have you been using?" Squid asks.
"A few weeks," I reluctantly answer.
"Christ, Judes—What the fuck?"
"Don't start. You of all people can't lecture me on something like this."
"Wow. That's a low blow."
"Well, I don't give a shit, okay? There's no guidebook for this shit. There are no right answers to what I'm supposed to do. She's fucking dead, Squid. And I just—I can't fucking take it anymore. So, please—go home."
"I can't do that."
"Please just go home, Squid."
"I can't do that, Judes."
"Please—please—please just go home, Squid!"
"I can't go home, Judes! I can't go home! If I do I'll just watch my dad slowly drink himself to death! And if I go home you'll just drug yourself to death too! So no! I'm not going home!"
Red consumes my vision and I kick my bed, my shin hitting the bed frame. Pain shatters through my shin and I curse, falling down to the ground. Squid rushes to me and sits next to me, the both of us leaning against a dresser.
"Hey, Judes?" Squid asks.
"Yeah?"
"How come you have so much rope?"
"I don't know," I look away. It's a shitty lie.
"What do you mean you don't know? That's a lot of rope to just be hauling around for no particular reason. Is it a sexual thing?"
"What? No!"
"Okay thank God. I never took you for a rope bunny."
"You know I really don't want to talk about this with you, Squid."
"Okay, okay. I respect it."
"Thanks."
A few seconds pass by.
"Are you sure it's not a sexual thing?" Squid prys.
"I'm sure."
"Good. Because that would be strange if you had fantasies about being tied up and being forced to orgasm—not that there's anything wrong with that... Please tell me why you have the rope."
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
"But I'd like to know. Just—tell me. Come on."
"No."
"Come on, please?"
I sigh. I can't keep it in anymore.
"I was gonna use the rope to hang myself, okay?" I admit.
"Wow. Oh. Oh my God. You're serious. But why Judas?"
"You wouldn't understand. This is how it always ends."
"Well—I could try."
"In Judas' original story, he hangs himself after Jesus is crucified. And sometimes it's all too much."
"What is?"
"Life. All of it. Having the rope—knowing there's a way out. It soothes me."
"Yes but—hanging yourself. That's so messy and painful."
"It's how he went out. So it's how I'm going to go out. One final dream to end all dreams."
"I don't like when you talk like this."
"You know—I've felt like I've never belonged here on this Earth. But she made me feel like I did."
"And the pills?"
"I was gonna take them all before I hang myself. A high to end all highs."
"Woah. Heavy."
"And I'm not talking about like belonging like you have a click and some friends in high school. I'm talking about feeling deeply loved and not alone. Is there ever a time when we're truly loved and not alone in the present moment and not looking in the past or the future for that? I mean—right there—in the moment?"
"It seems like we're always trying to chase it. It's hard to have it in the now. So is that why you have the rope?"
"Yeah. I was gonna do it but you ended up being here. You're the only person I've ever told this to... aren't you gonna say something?"
"Well, I—don't know what to say. Wanting to kill yourself—I think that's pretty selfish of you."
"How is that selfish?"
"What would I do if you weren't here? Hm? You're the only one left here that makes my life bearable."
"You got Daniel don't ya?"
"Me and Daniel have never really gotten along. We've made up but we're hardly drinking buddies. But the truth is—you're my only friend Judas. If I didn't have you I'd be alone."
"Ah—you'd be okay."
"No—I wouldn't! I don't really care for anyone else. Just you. You're the only person I really like."
"Well—thanks."
"I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you. I would even try to go a little further perhaps. I—I care a great deal about you. A very great deal. Maybe even—deeper than that. I—I—I love you. I mean— not in like a hey let's rip our clothes off and put that rope to use kind of way—but I mean—I love you as one loves another person who one simply cannot do without."
"Well, I—I love you too, Squid."
"You give my life purpose. And maybe—maybe that's enough. Because that's about the greatest thing one friend could give another."
"Thanks."
"Hey."
"Yeah."
"We should flush those pills down the toilet and tell your mom about your plan."
I sigh and then agree. First following Squid to the bathroom and watching as they pour the pills into the bowl and having me flush them down the toilet. Once that's done I go to my mom's room and tell her about what I was about to do. She erupts in tears first but composes herself and takes me to the nearest emergency room. Squid is with us the entire time until they find a psychiatric hospital that can take me. Since I'm eighteen, this will be the first time I'm with the adults. My mom is nervous but I tell her it's going to be okay.
When the EMTs come to take me, I say my goodbyes and prepare myself for another stay at the mental hospital.
154Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JM7sAFtYu
154Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNAehysRy8
