Denver is beautiful at night. I never get the chance to see the lights from the traffic to the signs mixing and coming together like a miniature cosmos; it's nice to see.
We park in an alleyway when Angel pulls out her phone and goes to YouTube.
"Delilah uploaded a new song," she says, tapping into her channel. The video's name is 'Other Side'. She plays it and it opens with Delilah strumming on her guitar. It sounds like something you'd listen to while walking in the rain after something traumatic happened to you. Then it cuts to another Delilah playing guitar, but this one is picking her chords. Then when she starts to sing, she does the bass with her hands on the guitar. And her voice, it's so powerful and sad, and unique, and deep. And I can't get it out of my head:
"And you... make my knees hit the ground... again
All these times... that I begged you in vain, forbade
All the times I felt self-conscious... about you
And I leave my sins at the threshold..."
Then she starts playing the chorus. And it rocks. Both guitars layer over each other like melted cheese. Her voice expresses where she is.
"But I'm on the other side, I'm peering in
I can see into you, see your true nature
Inside you're dark, you're dark like me
I can see into you, see to the real you...
Then it transitions into the second verse, her somber, haunting playing progressing the song.
"All times that I felt our fights wouldn't end... it's for you
And I grasp at what I could never have... it came from you
All the times that I've wept
My intentions came from pride
But I am the creator of my own demise...
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But I'm on the other side, I'm peering in
I can see into you, see your true nature
Inside you're dark, you're dark like me
I can see into you, see to the real you..."
While one Delilah is strumming, it cuts back and forth to show the other rocking out with an eclectic guitar I've never seen her use before. Then she starts to belt, her voice filled with ire and agony:
"All the times that I've wept
All this darkness that dwells inside
And I feel this agony
Shove it down, but it comes back
And I sit on my throne
All alone, I can't restore
But I hope tomorrow I'll be alright..."
It then quiets down back to just the one guitar strumming, and Delilah ends the song with:
"But I'm on the other side, I'm peering in
I can see into you, see your true nature
Inside you're dark, you're dark like me
I can see into you, see to the real you..."
It fades to black and I think about the song being sung from God's perspective to the Devil.
Angel puts the phone back in her pocket and says, "Sung it like a true Devil."
This shocks me, "What do you mean by that?" I ask.
"Well, that was sung from the Devil's point of view to God. At least that's what I thought."
Then it hit me. Why am I holding to such black-and-white views of the world around me on good and evil? Has it ever been that simple? Thinking about that song from the Devil's perspective gives the song a completely different meaning. And it doesn't stop there. The song could be about several things depending on who listens to it.
If I showed a Buddhist Delilah's music what would they think? If a Buddhist was somehow watching my life right now what would they say? What would an atheist say in this situation? Would an atheist even be this invested in my journey? Would they be this far?
What do believers think of me? Do they think I deserve to have Jesus by my side? What would they do in my shoes? Would they save Angel? Or would they call her Lucy? Would they even believe that Lucy could be saved? Or that she actually is what she says she is?
Can I redeem the Devil? Is that blasphemy? If so am I no longer a Christian for wanting to save one of God's children?
Even if I am no longer Christian, I have to try. I must save Angel.
"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Angel asks.
"Nothing. Don't worry about it."
"You sure? You were making some real intense faces. Like you were in an anime or some shit."
"Yeah, I tend to think out loud with my face."
She laughs, "That's some main character shit."
"If anyone's the main character it's you."
"Aw. I don't know though. Delilah would be a good main character too."
"Honestly I wouldn't mind watching a show or reading a book about her."
"What about you though?"
"What about me?"
"What if you were the main character?"
I think about it a little, "I'd probably be a boring main character."
"You think?"
"Yeah. I'm not that interesting. I got Jesus but most people just assume I'm this perfect, self-righteous asshole because of that. And while I acted like that most of my life, now I'm really just a normal guy. My life was, well, friendless and bland until I met Delilah. Before Willow Creek, I'd go to other Churches and I just remember being surrounded by people that say they believe the same things that I do but when you try to share your opinions on what's going on... they distance themselves. Or they think you're crazy. Or evil. It was like that for as long as I can remember. But not Delilah. And not Squid. And not you. And not Daniel now which is surprising. Some of us are new to the Christian thing. Some of us not. Some of us are not Christian at all. Yet I feel there's something there, rooting for us. At least I hope. It doesn't care about what we believe at the end of the day. It just wants us to do what's right. That something is guiding us. Writing the story if you will."
She looks out her window, her reflection bouncing off of it.
"What if this force is planning something bad?" she asks.
"I don't think it would do that."
"Maybe not with you. But with others. This world isn't what he expected, right?"
She's referencing the fall in the garden. How God didn't intend for Adam and Eve to eat from the Forbidden Fruit.
"Face it," Angel breathes, "When someone dreams of the lightbulb, another person's gonna dream of the atomic bomb."
I don't respond after that. I just sit in silence waiting for Clyde to show up.
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Clyde knocks on my side of the window and scares me awake. Angel gets out of the car and I follow. Clyde is a short, skinny man with frizzy hair and four teeth visible in his smile. When he speaks his voice is soft and mellow like a child.
"What's up, girl?" He asks Angel. Angel walks around the front of the car then grabs Clyde's right arm and pulls him in in one fluid motion. They pull away.
"You ready to get your end of the bargain?" Angel asks.
"Hell yeah!" Clyde says, "Follow me. We need one more person."
We begin to walk out of the alleyway and into the empty streets of Denver. It's probably ten or twelve p.m., so there aren't many cars out in this area. It's just us, some parked cars on the side of the road, houses, street lights, and the stars above us.
When we take a right, a silhouette of a woman about the height of Delilah stands about two hundred feet away from us under a street light.
"Is that them?" I ask.
"Yep," Clyde says, "Also the boss and the one that came up with this plan."
We inch closer and closer and I swear it starts to look more and more like Delilah. But when we're about two blocks away from her, I can see the color of her brown hair and I recognize it's Jaclynne.
"That's—" I start, flabbergasted.
"Delilah's mom," Angel finishes my sentence, "Didn't think she'd be a part of this heist."
"Did you just say heist?" I ask.
We converge with each other around the middle of a crossroads. Angel extends her hand to Jaclynne.
"Lucy," she says. I guess she's back to Lucy. Jaclynne stares at her hand.
"I don't shake hands with red-eyed strangers at crossroads," Jaclynne tells Lucy, shifting her attention to me, "Who's this?"
She's pretending not to know me? Maybe Lucy doesn't know Jaclynne knows me.
"That's Judas," Lucy starts, "I call him Judy. He's my boyfriend."
"Really now?" Jaclynne asks.
"It's a fairly new development," I say.
There's a moment of awkward silence. Clyde then claps his hands together and asks, "So what's the job boss?"
"There's a butchery on Tenth Street," Jaclynne starts, "A few hours ago they got their delivery of pigs. We're gonna steal some and feed my people."
"How are we gonna move them from the butchery to your people?" I ask.
"They have carts there. We only need two pigs. Four would be amazing."
"Whose gonna push all that meat?"
Everyone looks at me. I guess I'm the muscle of this heist.
"Lucy," Jaclyne continues, "Clyde tells me you're a good fighter?"
"I wouldn't say I'm good," Lucy says, twirling her hair, "I just don't lose fights."
"We'll need you to stand guard. Make sure no one gets the drop on us."
"Aye, aye, captain!" Lucy says with an accent and a wink. Jaclynne lifts a brow and then moves on to Clyde.
"Clyde. You have the tools to break in?" Jaclynne asks.
"Yes, ma'am I do," Clyde says, pulling a small blow torch out of seemingly nowhere. I didn't know homeless people came this prepared.
"What?" Clyde asks, "You'd be surprised what they throw away at art schools."
"Alright guys, let's get some swine," Jaclynne says, turning her back and walking behind her. We all follow her.
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Later in the walk, Jaclynne makes her way back to me while Lucy begins to talk with Clyde.
Jaclynne is right beside me when she says, "I know what's going on by the way."
"I figured you knew something by the way you were acting back there," I try to say quietly.
"Yeah, D told me everything after what happened that day. When she told me my son-in-law was being held hostage I knew it was Clyde. And I knew why too. He's just tryna feed his wife. She's eight months pregnant. Still wish he would've come to me before going to her."
Lucy laughs, her hair flowing under the street light.
"Still wouldn't have gotten this job without her though," Jaclynne continues, "I don't know how the kid does it."
"She's done a favor for you too, hasn't she?"
"Yeah. I'd lend her whatever she'd want and in return, she'd feed us."
"How'd you guys meet?"
"It was a few winters ago. I was scrunched up near an ATM and she came up to it. She then kicked it and BAM, a stack of hundreds came shooting out. She then took the money out and handed it to me. I told her it was stealing and she told me 'No one's gonna miss this money.' I couldn't argue with her logic. So I bought all food I could afford for me and my buddies I was with at the time. I offered her to hang with us and she did. She ate with us. Told us stories. Made us laugh. She was great company. She then offered me a favor, and I expected. And so far, she's been keeping her end of the bargain."
I think back on Delilah and I going to the soup kitchen and feeding Jaclynne and her people. Was that part of Lucy's plan?
"What favor did she promise to grant you?" Jaclynne asks.
"It's—stupid."
"Can't be stupider than mine. I coulda asked for all the money in the world. Instead, I I asked for food. C'mon—Tell me."
"I... made a deal—I wanted Delilah to be with me forever. Until the end of time, plus more."
"That isn't stupid, Judas. That's beautiful."
"We're almost there!" Clyde yells back to us.
I look over his shoulder and see a blue-painted brick building with a ramp leading to a back door. Lucy begins to climb the ramp as Clyde follows her. I stay behind Jaclynne as we all gather around the door. Clyde pulls the blow torch out of his pants but Lucy raises her hand.
"No need to be animals here," Lucy says, dry heaving a little bit and spitting out a paper clip in between her lips.
"Aw, man am I gonna be useless on this heist?" Clyde asks. Lucy kneels down to the door handle and begins to pick the lock. I think about what Clyde just asked.
"You're not gonna be useless," I tell him, "You can help me get the pigs on the cart."
He nods his head. I can't believe I'm stealing. I'm pretty sure Jesus is against that.
"Done!" Lucy says, opening the back door.
"What about an alarm?" I ask.
"I know the code," Jacylnne says. I look at her for clarification, "This is Delilah's dad's family's company. I spent a lot of time here growing up."
Lucy holds the door open and Clyde enters. Jaclynne soon follows and I make my way towards Lucy.
"I guess Angel didn't stay for long?" I say to her.
"Angel grew wings and flew away," she tells me, "I'm Lucy, Judy. You know this."
I linger in the doorway and then enter the building.
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The code to the silent alarm is one-two-three-four because of course it is. It doesn't take Clyde long to find the lights and a large enough cart with two shelves. Each shelf could hold at least two pigs. But it's stealing. God is clear about stealing.
"What's wrong?" Lucy asks, appearing by my left.
"We're stealing," I say.
"No one's gonna miss these pigs. And we're not wasting them either. We're going to feed a lot of people tonight. A lot of people that deserve to be fed."
"I wish we could at least pay for them or something. Or leave a note—I don't know."
Lucy reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her wallet. It's black, leather, and has little stickers of demons and skulls on it. She pulls out all of her money in it and starts to count it out.
"I've got... three-hundred and twenty-eight dollars. You?" She asks.
I check my wallet.
"Five dollars," I tell her.
"I'm not gonna ask the others for obvious reasons so... we have three-hundred and thirty-three dollars. How much does a pig cost? Hey Jaclynne?"
"Yeah?" Jaclynne shouts back.
"How much does one hole pig cost?" Lucy asks.
"About three-fifty—four-hundred dollars. Why?"
"Thanks, gorgeous! So we probably want to play it safe so we'll owe this place... about..."
"Eight-hundred-sixty-seven dollars," we both say in unison.
"That's a lot of money, Judy. You sure you wanna pay that all back? Like I said, no one's gonna miss these pigs."
I think about Jesus casting Legion into the pigs. He didn't do that for no reason. The demons he cast out of that man showed everyone in that region who he really was.
"Let's find some paper," I tell her.
Lucy finds some notebook paper and a pen in a drawer for me to leave a message. I write down on it that we're gonna borrow some pigs and we're going to pay them back, letting them know we don't have all the money to pay them back.
I set the notebook paper on the front counter and put Lucy's money on it. I then make my way back to Clyde to help him with the freezer.
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"There you are!" Clyde says, "We have no idea where Lucy went. Get your tall ass over here and unlock the freezer."
I walk over to the large metallic door and unlatch the top.
"Has anyone seen Lucy?" I ask.
"Nope," Jaclynne says, "And I honestly don't care where she is. We don't need her anymore."
"Why was she here in the first place?" I ask. Jaclynne glares at Clyde.
"Alright, alright," Clyde says, caving into the pressure, "I was pretty sure there was gonna be a bodyguard here."
"And you wanted Lucy here because of the bodyguard?" I ask.
"You heard what the girl said: 'I don't lose fights'. You know, come to think of it, I think I saw her go upstairs."
"Okay. Let's get these pigs on the cart," I say.
Jaclynne opens the door and we're greeted by at least a dozen pink, gutted, hole pigs hanging by their hind hooves from hooks. I flip on a light switch and pull out a folded step ladder I see in the corner of the freezer and hand it to Clyde.
"Unhook the hooves. Jac and I will guide the pig down. We probably want to put the first two on the bottom, it'll be easier that way. Ready?"
Clyde nods and unfolds the ladder. What follows for the first two pigs is a grueling amount of heavy lifting. I had no idea pigs were so heavy. I'm glad I have Jaclynne helping me lift them into the cart. The last two are much easier to guide down on top of the cart. Jaclynne then pulls some bungee cords out of her jacket and begins to wrap them around the top of the pigs and attaches the cart. I walk past them and into the front to get Lucy.
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"Hey, Lucy!" I call out upstairs. Something upstairs falls over, something heavy, and someone's footsteps become erratic then all of a sudden—nothing.
"Lucy?"
I start to make my way to the bottom stairs.
"Lucy—you okay?"
I take my first few steps. There's a door at the top of the stairs. I'm about to call out her name again but the door opens and Lucy comes out of it, closing the door and putting her hands behind her back.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
"Everything's fine." She says. Her mouth a thin straight line.
"Okay... We got the pigs. We're gonna head out."
"Alright."
I look her over once then turn around and head back to the group.
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Clyde decided to help me push the pigs through the streets of Denver. Without asking, which is something I admire. We've been pushing for a good hour until Clyde asks, "How much further?"
"Another hour or so," Jacylnne says.
Clyde deflates like a balloon at the sound of that sentence.
"Lucy, you gotta take over I'm about to pass out," he says. Lucy comes up from behind him and Clyde moves away as Lucy grabs the edge of the cart and begins to push.
"You need a break, Judas?" Jacylnne asks.
"Nah. I'm fine," I say.
"Of course he's fine, he's a God amongst men," Lucy teases.
"Whatever you say, Red," and as I say 'Red' I notice a splotch of crimson on her right sleeve.
"What's that?" I ask, gesturing my head to the blood on her sleeve. She looks down at her sleeve and shrugs.
"Must be from the pigs," she says. I check my sleeves. No blood. I look around at my hands to see if maybe we've left a drip trail of blood. But there's nothing. No blood.
I don't question her on it. I just keep pushing with her.
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About thirty minutes in Jaclynne switches with Lucy and helps push the pigs the rest of the way there. When we arrive, dozens of people gather around us, all Jaclynne's people.
"We'll take it from here," Jaclynne says, "You guys go rest."
Clyde disappears into the crowd and I end up following Lucy to two lawn chairs next to each other. I take a seat on the one to the right and she sits next to me on the one on the left.
"Good job, Judy," Lucy says, leaning back in her chair.
"How long will those take to cook?" I ask.
"About eight hours. It's midnight right now. So we'll have a very porky breakfast in a few hours."
"Man—I'm tired."
"Yeah? You pushed all of those pigs without a break."
"I just wanted to get it over with."
"Well thanks to you, everyone here will be fed at a reasonable time."
I lean my head back and close my eyes, letting the cool Denver air rest on my sweaty body.
"Hey," I start, "I wanted to thank you for leaving the money and note behind. You didn't have to do that."
"It's just money. It doesn't mean anything."
"Still. You showed real character back there. That doesn't go unnoticed."
"Yeah. Sure. Tell that Jaclynne."
"Not everyone's gonna see the good you do in the world."
"But they sure are going to see all the bad."
I feel a foreboding sense of tiredness drench me. I look over to Lucy and she can tell.
"You tired big guy?" she asks.
"I'm gonna get some sleep. Wake me up if you need anything," I yawn.
"Alright."
I settle into the lawn chair and close my eyes, drifting off to sleep.
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Lucy wakes me up to what I could assume is a few hours later.
"Wanna help entertain some people?" she asks.
"How?" I ask, rubbing my eyes and leaning forward in my chair.
"When was the last time you preached to a crowd?"
"Oh—no—that's behind me, Lucy I—"
"I was thinking that we do Jesus in the wilderness. You play Jesus while I play Lucifer. Whatdya say?"
"Like a play?"
"Exactly? I assume you remember what you said that day?"
"I mean—"
"Great! We set up a stage over there. Come meet me there when you're ready!"
She walks off toward a piece of elevated wood on the floor in the center of the gathering area. It's big enough for the both of us to move around on, but no more than that. The pigs are being cooked in a separate area, but while everyone's waiting I guess Lucy and I will be entertaining them with the story of Jesus being tempted by the Devil.
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I find Lucy standing behind the stage when I tap her on the shoulder.
"You know your lines?" I ask.
"Of course I do," she says, seeming somewhat offended, "This story is the whole reason I'm me."
"Alright... I guess I'm going up."
"Actually, can I start? I have an idea of how to start this whole thing."
"Sure, be my guest."
Lucy lights up like a light bulb and then takes to the stage. People begin to gather around us and my heart starts to pound. I used to be able to talk in front of large crowds of people with ease, but now I'm second-guessing myself. What if I don't speak loud enough? Or if I stumble over my words?
"Thank you everyone for making it here this morning!" Lucy starts, "Today we'd like to tell you a story. A story of faith. Love. And hope. Let's begin."
Lucy takes a deep, long, drawn-out breath and begins to speak. Immediately, her voice captivates everyone.
"Since his conception," she exclaims, her voice true and proud, "I've watched this child with my own two eyes. And yet, more questions arise. Is he really who I think he is? It is time to find out. It is time to decide. Come forth, child, come!"
Ah, shit. I'm on.
"I am ready now," Lucy implores, "Approach, my child. Come!"
Fuck. This is no problem. I just need to walk up to Lucy and say my lines.
I walk onto the stage and Lucy's grin is Devilish.
"My child, are you shy? Approach!" Lucy implores.
I stand next to Lucy, my shoulders slouching.
"What are you doing all the way out here in the wilderness by yourself?" she asks.
"I'm just walking," I respond.
"Wait. Aren't you the man who was baptized? Well, you're clearly hungry. I can hear you're stomach grumbling from here! And I heard from someone that you may be The Son Of God. Why don't you turn these stones before us into bread? Then we'll both be satiated."
I know the next line, but for some reason, I don't want to say it. My heart yearns for something different. Something more.
"I fear that won't be enough," I say, "Hell is empty. The Devils are here. I am tired of pursuing them. Of trying to help them."
"Come now, friend," Lucy starts, "You aren't done! If you're tired, you need rest!"
"I can't rest when the world is this divided. Let's remember what was promised."
"What are you calling for, child?"
"For us to be one!"
"To be one? No. This will be a wish I cannot grant."
We are going way off script now. What's going on?
"But... the prophecy... I am to become king... am I not?" I ask.
"I never said how dearly I cherish you;" Lucy begins, "How your existence keeps my soul draped in grace. My loyal king, companion, and lover... is being by my side not fill you with amusement, excitement, and delight?"
"Of course it does. But something isn't right about this. Excitement isn't happiness. When the winds blow and the storms come, I prefer it if you cared about my well-being."
Lucy stomps her foot on the ground and says, "I have you in my grasp. I will not bend. I will not see you go it alone. I couldn't bear the envy."
"Then I'll escape! I'll run away so no one will ever have to worry about me ever again."
Lucy kneels down on her right knee and takes both of my hands in hers.
"Just hold on a little longer," she pleads, "Continue in service to my schemes. And when they are complete, I swear to you, we shall fly beyond the stars, the corners of this world a mere reflection to us. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. What do you say to my best wishes?"
A woman in the audience screams, "Say yes!" followed by a couple of other people agreeing with her.
"Yes," I say.
"I am most pleased," Lucy says. Lucy gets up and stands facing the audience, "We burn at our stakes. We die by our swords. We choke in our trenches. We drown in our wars. We're locked in our chains though we long to be free. We keep building walls till it's so hard to see. We are one with everything. We are one. But it's so hard to see."
She bows deeply, and the crowd erupts in applause.
But as they're clapping, I look up to the dark morning sky and I wonder what Delilah's doing right now. I wonder where she is.
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